I wrote this last night and wanted your comments- is this as obvious as the glasses on my nose or is this a deepening of how being present works?
When anything turns into a should- what we eat, how often we exercise, when we meditate, how we pray- we lose touch with the present moment. We’re off into the future. Life, our life, drains out of whatever activity or relationship has become a should, and with it, feeling, choice, and the ability to discern what is best for ourselves. Even the most life giving practices quickly become stale and oppressive, so we abandon them or, even more painfully, we ping pong between eating veggies or walking or having morning sacred time and not doing it, all th while tearing ourselves up for being “lazy” or “bad.”
But what if there is a part of us that refuses to participate in shoulds, refuses to be drained of desire and choice? When our actions become about what we think we should do to please others or be healthy or safe or right versus what we are feeling, intuiting, and discerning, often moment by moment, it’s time to come back to our breath, to our self and to something bigger and then we choose again, choose afresh, from the energy and desire and presence we encounter in the present.
Thoughts????
15 responses so far ↓
1 Mark Silver Mar 7, 2006
I once had the realization that every tension in my body was a self-judgement. I haven’t yet been able to live that moment-to-moment, but it’s helpful.
There is a Sufi teaching (I’m full of them, I know), that tells us: “The only power the self has is the power to stop covering up the truth.” Get that- it’s subtle- the power to stop covering up the truth. Not the power to uncover the truth. Not the power to act on the truth. Not the power to do anything…
Only the power to stop uncovering the truth. To stop. Acting from “shoulds” is just another way of saying that the self is trying to exert power it doesn’t have. So- time to exert the only power you do have-
To stop and Remember. Just as you wrote.
I like to think about humans like lamps: we’ve got the cord, the stem, the bulb, everything but the juice. We only get the juice when we plug in. If we unplug ourselves, and think we should be able to do something about it… we can’t. Remembering is plugging in.
Yah?
But there’s more to it than that… I’m publishing an article tomorrow that touches on it.
2 Helga Mar 7, 2006
I’ve noticed that when I live from my head, I’m more likely to “should on myself”, than when I live from my heart & gut. Those agonizing choices between the veggies and the junk food, the walking and the couch potato, the sacred time and the Shadow Comfort, all happen in the head. So does the “shoulding”. Unfortunately, I listen to my head (my stories)and begin to believe the stuff that makes me feel bad about myself.
When I live from my heart & gut, there are no shoulds. Choices are desires, and following them is fulfillment (Yes, even the occasional ones that are bad for me, because if you’re gonna do it, might as well go for the gusto.). Heart & gut live in the present. Children are masters of this way of living: they not only do not want to delay gratification, they don’t even know how. This way of chosing and living feels real and true.
3 sue walsh Mar 8, 2006
Oriah Mountain Dreamer states: What if the question isn not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am? and What would you do if you knew you were enough just as you are today..if you knew-really knew-that you were in your essential nature a compassionate, gentle being capable of being fully present with yourself and the world? Would you trust yourself more? I think that the “shoulds” of our lives keep us from being our authentic, real selves and attempt to put us in judgement that we’re not good enough just as we are at this very moment.
sue
4 Gwen Delmore Mar 8, 2006
I like what you wrote, it is such a subtle distinction, trying to balance the should with being really present. I like the way you presented the distinction, I will use it to work with my own shoulds.
5 Anne DeMarsay Mar 8, 2006
Jennifer, that was a big “aha” for me! I had never connected the oppressive, life-draining feeling that you SHOULD do something (especially if it’s something that Everybody thinks is good, like eating veggies) with being out of the present moment. I’ve been mulling your recent posts about building a foundation vs. the lottery syndrome. I commented to a friend that it felt like all I’ve been doing these past six years of grad school and a postdoc is building a foundation–enduring living away from home, long hours, low pay, an unpleasant workplace, disrespect, etc., for the sake of a degree and research experience–and when was the edifice going to begin to rise, already? I now realize that many, many of the things I did were “shoulds”: things I either didn’t want to do or didn’t enjoy under the conditions. As a result, I’ve received little satisfaction from my accomplishments and lost much of my pleasure in my profession. I’ve always thought staying in the present moment was easier when you were living a life you loved. You’ve given me a new perspective: it’s staying close to yourself each moment that makes it possible to create that life. I’m going to apply that principle to my work as well as my personal life. Many thanks!
6 PJammy Mar 8, 2006
I do think that the way it is written deepens the concept you are expressing. While I find that often my “shoulds” are very much what my body/mind/soul intuits I need, sometimes my shoulds also get in the way of what my body/mind/soul intuits I need.
(In other words, I think and feel in shoulds; it’s translating the shoulds into what I really need and what I feel I need to do that can be problem!)
7 Marisa Mar 8, 2006
I grew up with a mother and father that were all about “shoulds”. Not for them, for me. “You should get off your behind, get moving, you are so fat” or “you should become a pharmicist, not a nurse” was what I would hear instead of praise. As an adult, I would “try to live authentically” (my philosophy) but I found that i would hear myself “shoulding” instead of just living. For example, I like to write and my most creative time is between midnight and 3am. Instead of using that energy and going with it, I tell myself that I should get some sleep because my husband shouldn’t be disturbed, I need to get housework done, the have to work out. And so I lose out. Lately I have been rewriting the shoulds whenever they pop up in my heart and soul. I know that I need to work out, but I will not use the words “should work out”. I try to use that time to shake my soul and have found that I get my most inspiration from getting my blood pumping. I don’t “eat veggies because I have to”. I do it because I can’t expect to expend energy that isn’t there. I am trying to walk that fine line between shadow comfort and self care, and it sure is a hard one.
8 Laura Howard Mar 8, 2006
I am loving this conversation. It’s one that I have been having with myself all day. I’ve just come back from out of the country and am attempting to get back into the “groove”…eating veggies, working out, working on my business, etc…and I’ve found myself just not doing it. I’ve been observing all day the energy in my body…it reminds me of the adolescent rebellion type of energy…”Just because my parents tell me to means I don’t want to!”
I know that forcing a “should” doesn’t work, at least not for long.
What I know, for me, it has to do with connecting and surrendering. Surrendering my “forceful” energy and the “inner repremand”. Surrendering to following the energy and connecting to myself, others and the universe. If I just stay in my home office and feel the self inflicted “aloneness” then the “rebellion & reprimand” struggle takes hold. I know when I let go of the “should” and just connect with myself and what’s really going on, connect with others to realize how alive the world is and feel the power of engagement, and connect to the easy, joyful source of the universe…..well, next thing I know, I’m packing my gym bag…
Also, before I left the country you were writing about the vulnerable place of being a leader and sharing with others when you aren’t feeling so inspiring and creative. I was so thankful for those thoughts you shared. I know they were quite vulnerable and it’s that willingness to bare look at yourself and share your process is what makes your writing so engaging and powerful to me. It’s real. It’s how life works and it’s really nice to know that it’s how life works for others too!! to me it’s like the difference between having a male doctor tell me about pms’g and having a baby (they experienced the effects of it) but a woman doctor who has gone through it – just gets it at another level.
Thanks!!!
9 serendipity Mar 8, 2006
This was a great reminder to me about the ‘should’ syndrome. It was also an eye opener about “shoulds” keeping us in the future and not the present moment – I had never thought about this in that way and it is so very true! I would add though that so much of “shoulds” is perception. For example, too often I say I should go work out today which does make it outside of my present desires and focuses away from the present moment. On the other hand, often what I am desiring is to lift my mood and have greater energy – I accomplish that by working out. So yes – I ‘should’ go work out, it will help me to acheive my desire, however, that word ‘should’ sure does sap the fun/interest/desire from my motivation. Because of this, I think the shoulds acutually give power to shadow comforts! When I say I ‘should go workout’ all of sudden I feel the tremendous need to sit down on the couch with a box of thin mints and the remote control. So perhaps when the “shoulds” strike we need to ask ourselves what am I really desiring/craving/needing at this moment in my life and what can help me get it. And then re-phrase it and re-think our perception of the ‘should’ moment. For example, ‘I want to feel better today so I’m going to go work out’. For some reason this changes my perception from something I have to do to something I want to do. So, I think that it really takes effort to defeat the shoulds and connect with who you are and not who you think you “should” be. Marisa really hit the nail on the head when she said that it is a very fine line to walk! Thanks Jennifer for such though provoking writing!
10 sandylouwho Mar 9, 2006
I wish I had a “find and replace” function in my self-talk script, like the one in a word processing program. It would buzz or something every time I say/think/feel the word SHOULD and then replace it with WANT TO.
I think that would bring the issue into the present moment — do I or do I not really want to do something, either from present desire or an important foundation for the future or keeping a promise that I WANT to keep? Or is it only a SHOULD?
Sometimes this change of wording would make us change our action in the present moment. Sometimes it would just make us present. Often, we really *do* WANT to do what we feel we *should* be doing, but thinking of it as a “should” makes us rebell inside!
Does that make sense? Find: SHOULD. Replace with: WANT. Assess for truth. Wish it was that easy.
11 Jennifer Louden Mar 12, 2006
I want a search and replace function too! I love the link between should and desire and shadow comforts, that’s got to go in the book.
I had the thought in the shower today that although communities are scattered and often not exactly where or when we need them, aren’t we adapting beautifully by finding community in these creative ways, blogs and retreats and message boards?
It makes me zing with happiness.
12 zena musings Mar 17, 2006
Soothing the Should
I woke up this morning thinking about expectations. Namely, those sneaky, insidious expectations that seethe and lurk just beneath the surface of my awareness, going about their merry hurtful way. Boy do they make me itch. And when I scratch
13 Alexandra Mar 17, 2006
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful and so very true. I;m always amazed how if i just remember to focus on my breath, somehow everything becomes okay, manageable again. I often start out my journaling workshops at my work with a 5 minute guided meditation and EVERY time there is a shift. People arrive worn-out, ansy, frustrated because they couldn’t find parking or they have a mild headache, and after a few conscious minutes of breathing in silence, theres a transformation. I feel like one can almost see these individual icebergs of stress starting to melt. I also am reminded of a quote by Tony Robbins! “We ‘should’ all over ourselves!”
14 Melissa Mar 24, 2006
I used to track my days with all my shoulds….how long did I work? did I exercise? did I meditate? read? workout? eat well? I thought the more that I tracked these things the more freedom I would have. However, my life became one big checkmark or one big piece of evidence of how much I didn’t get done and should’ve gotten done. After all, it was never enough. I recently stopped recording my days and instead of being “less productive” I got more done, more fulfilled and was more present in each moment. I started my day with meditating–what used to be a should became part of having a full, healthy life–kind of like sleeping or eating! Those Saturdays when I used to be anxious about all the stuff we had to do, errands to run, events to go to, laundry to clean have now become restful days of joy. The day unfolds as it is supposed to and without the “Should Monkey” on my back I’m actually feeling lighter. Instead of postponing one more weekend in the snow because we had to do our taxes last weekend, my husband and I decided to hit the slopes anyway. Ironically, we not only had a wonderful weekend in the snow, but also had the opportunity to talk about our finances and do more work on them in the car as we drove home from Tahoe. Another reminder that I’m happiest when I let life pull me, surrendering to the unfolding moments v. pushing hard toward what I think I should be doing. The “Should Monkey” still shows up on my back occasionally, but I’m now much more aware when he’s there and am able to pull him off, hold his hand as we quietly and effortlessly let the moment unfold.
15 Mp3 Search Apr 29, 2006
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