Shiny happy fresh out of the box!
Something so creatively promising about new things
I do suspect I have a little addiction to newness
I also suspect this year is going to be very different
I’m understanding that I’ve reached the end of an era, the end of a way of being
Not in any cut and dry, "oh I’m done with that way of being" – that’s my ego’s fantasy and part of the old way of being
This new way is more broad and softer and, frankly, more mature
It matches the line of silver gray appearing at my hairline and my elephant knees
This way of being was affirmed and articulated yesterday in my conversation with the ever wise and amazing Jennifer Freed who has been a guide to me for ten years and in addition to being a master therapist of 30 years is also a psychological astrologer.
"What would you regret not doing if you died this year?"
I would regret not spending more time in nature, in the way that I did years ago,
when I felt, for moments at a time, what it must have been like before humans
invented shelter and fire and how I do not have to fear being absorbed by all
that is but I do have to fear its loss
I would regret not creating – for the sole sake of creating – not giving voice in my
own imperfect way to Rilke’s poem:
I believe in all that has never been spoken.
I want to free what waits within me
so that what no one has dared to wish for
may for once spring clear
without my contriving.
If this is arrogant, God, forgive me,
but this is what I need to say.
May what I do flow from my like a river,
no forcing and no holding back,
the way it is with children.
Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
these deepening tides moving out, returning,
I will sing you as no one ever has,
streaming through widening channels
into the open sea.
I would regret not accepting my limitations and dents, my selfishness and brittleness, my
spiritual restlesness, my shrillness, my shrinking from intimacy, my love of hurry and resulting carelessness.
~~~~~~~
What is new this year is that I do not care nor do I feel at all interested in or even able to to set professional goals like to scale the bestseller list with my new book or to otherwise distinguish myself. It isn’t that I think these things beneath me or bad!!! It is just that I finally see that what needs my attention is
Being alive
This year is going to be about aliveness, health, romancing my husband, and creating from my heart.
What is your heart going to be about?
4 responses so far ↓
1 berni darnell Jan 3, 2007
ooh so good to have you back Jen. I have been eagerly scanning your blog to see if you’ve been posting then slapping my wrists for my own eagerness for your words….leave her be I silently admonish myself!
The poem and artwork is gorgeous.
This year I am going to surrender myself to self-nurturing and kindness and to be the authentic maskless part of myself that I keep hidden. I intend to stop myself trying to be all things to all people and to look deep within myself to answer the reasons why I do so, and more importantly (as if I don’t already know them)instil enough belief in myself to totally be myself, here, now and enjoy my quiet nature filled life.
So dreams of slaying the world, as a one woman crusader, being a huge commercial sucess, are going to be left aside along with the ego that perpetuates these, puff pastry little filled musings. I intend to be a wholegrain bread, lots of substance, slow baked, long lasting, with some gorgeous flavorings, interesting ingredients and if some people don’t care for it, well that’s ok, we don’t all like carrots!
When my lovely dad was alive, so much of me was driven by his pride in me, his want for me to do well, and yes I miss him everyday, yet in his passing now I can say, it’s time to just be me. Whoever me is, at any particular time, I know my rich parts, I know my shallow parts, I intend to just live with them, after all they’ve been with me all my life, so may as well call a truce!
A blanket of hugs for you ~ go softly where you tread ~ you get to see so much more of the wildlife. xx berni xx
2 Linda Jan 4, 2007
Happy New Year, Jenifer, It is so good to read your forward-looking, accepting, and excited words. This is going to be a good year for us all. Like you I’m reaching inward to find what I really want to be doing and I intend to make room for it. I love your thoughts on what I would regret If I were to Die this year: I would regret not seeing my new Granddaughter who will be born in the spring… I already sense that she will be somebody very special. I would regret not being with my granddaughter and grandson who already grace this earth with challenges and joy. I would regret the writing that wouldn’t get done… as this is intended to be “The year of my words” for me. I would regret leaving my husband behind to cope on his own and not being able to reach out to take his hand when I need to, feeling the steady comfort of an old and enduring love between two people.
I would regret not meeting the new people I know I am going to meet during 2007, and not being able to renew older, long-distance friendships. I would regret not being alive in this very alive world!
Love your poem and your painting! Go girl, you’re on a new and exciting path!
Linda from Pennsylvania
3 Lain Ehmann Jan 5, 2007
Good question…. What would I regret??
I’m going to ponder that one…
xoxox
Lain
4 mysteria Jan 7, 2007
im with lain. i dont know yet. for some reason i dont have the usual clarity or fervor this year. this past week i was in a slump so i found it hard to get excited about a new year with new possibilities. so with lain i will ponder this one. cindy