Thank you all for your wide-heart and, as always, insightful comments. They are thrilling and I learn so much.
I had a half an hour or so today in which I wrote from the place that I am writing about. Do you know that quote from Joyce Carol Oates, from her book The Faith of a Writer? "That the writer labors to discover the secret of his work is perhaps the writer’s most baffling predicament, about which he cannot easily speak; for he cannot write fiction without becoming, beforehand, the person who must write that fiction: and he cannot be that person, without first subordinating himself to the process, the labor, of creating that fiction…" I am not writing fiction but it applies none the less.
I have been struggling mightily to write what was supposed to be a very simple, quick book to write… and while part of my struggle is trying to be creative and clear thinking while grieving (the lottery syndrome, watching my dad struggle with the affects of chemo, my daughter separating, my own pesky health issues) the bigger issue is the struggle itself! For, at the heart, this is a book about not struggling, about acceptance, and writing from that place seems the only way to write it!
This is what I wrote today:
"I struggled to write this book and found myself in despair. I knew the ideas were important, I have lived with them and used them and taught them for years, and yet why was I having such a hard time writing the book? Then, journaling one morning, I realized, it was because I was trying to write from the old place, the highly familiar place of striving, convincing, intellectualizing, and I needed to write from the other place – centered, listening, imperfect, and unsanitized. My very striving to capture, sum up, and find every good tool to help us live this way is impossible because the striving is striving to be perfect. I wrote in my journal, ‘It isn’t about the end-all be-all. It is some things that might help now.’
"Here’s my thesis: a whole raft of us have come to an evolutionary place- mentally, psychology, physically, spiritually, economically, politically- that is demanding we learn new ways of organizing and creating our lives. It is a day-to-day process of softening, listening, letting go, living from our bellies first and then our minds. It is the:
balance between doing and being
love affair with our own spirits
feeding our deepest yearnings
process of breathing our decisions into our bellies and deciding from there
moments when we are being who we are instead of wishing or forcing ourselves to be who we wish we were
times we are creators instead of problem solvers or victims
bliss of recognizing that now is where life happens
grace of spiritual and psychological maturity
sometimes heartbreaking clarity of accepting reality
the place where our passion meets one of the world’s great needs
tickle of insatiable curiosity
delightful and hard work of creating change
understanding we need only discern the next step- not the whole big picture
ability to receive- support, energy, breath, life, love
patience to cuddle, accept, or at least tolerate the dented, ugly, sticky, shadow parts
it is making the decision to create a life that is yours, that fits you, delights you, offers your best to the world, and that, day by day and on your last, you are deeply, imperfectly, proud of
To support that, we need tools, community, and help seeing the vast canvas of our lives in a way that reminds us we can respond to life as ourselves, while helping us sort, keep track, and stay connected. Because this new way, nothing about it is airy-fairy or about sitting on our butts and waiting until we can visual what we want just right. This is the kitchen church- a place where we connect, we listen, we pray and we feed the hungry."
What helps you live this way?
How do you organize your life from the inside out?
I’d love more ideas and stories for the book!
4 responses so far ↓
1 Loretta Feb 14, 2006
Reading your words helps me find that place. This weekend, I started a new painting. Or tried to start a new paiting. I decided that this series I am working on is not in the style that I want, only I don’t really know how to do the style that I want. So I stopped working, and began looking at books, then the internet, then emailed, and changed my mind forty times about what I could do. At the end of the day I had done nothing. Why? Because I thought what I knew how to do wasn’t good enough. And so it goes.
2 Miss Nikki Ann Feb 14, 2006
First, I admire your writings. I’ve been reading your journal for sometime. You are an amazing talent.
Now, on to your question: “What helps me live my life this way?”
Some months ago I started seeing a therapist. I’ve never been one against therapists, but I never knew how useful “a good one” could be to my life and my goals. The best part is that I didn’t rush into this therapy thing. I listened for the wind, and waited until my heart told me it was time. Patience. This type of internal work (therapy) is useless if one’s whole being isn’t ready.
The universe sent me a wonderful woman whom I instantly clicked with. We talk about the past, but she reminds me that NOW is all we have. She has given me many tools to deal with my past trauma and current stess alarms.
One of my favorite tools is “doing nothing.” Before therapy, it never occured to me that keeping silent and remaining still were options for dealing with stress and life. I’ve found that LOTS of times (if not most) “doing nothing” has had more profound results.
This tool helps me to conitunue to live in the now. It helps me to contribute to the world by not adding any more negative energy to the destruction that seems to be boiling over these days.
Doing Nothing.
After “doing nothing” and remaining still and quiet, I find that things become clear. And in that quiet moment, I get REAL answers.
Hmmmm… Who would have thought that NOTHING could actually lead to SOMETHING.
That’s MY story!
3 Helga Feb 14, 2006
What you expressed in the italicized section of your post(poetry by any other name!) is what we all strive for, struggle after. But how can you write about not struggling if you don’t know/expose/describe the struggle? Your readers/our community knows when you’re genuine, authentic and loves you for it, including the tough times. We’re all still here, right? Sanitizing – that’s what editors are for.
Re. perfectionism: There is no end-all-be-all because we’re beautifully im-perfect humans. It’s just that with the right attitude and tools the process toward truly ‘Being’ gets easier, faster, deeper, more enjoyable. Your work’s a big help Now, which is excatly where we need to live.
Things that help me get “down”:
- Not organizing (Doing). But Being, by asking myself (often aloud) “What do you want right now?” If there’s no answer – i.e., if I’m not “home” – I let myself be and ask again later.
- Kindness toward others. Even if I don’t feel it, I go through the motions until the in-”kind” response from others lifts me to where I yearned to be in the first place.
- Breathing, or otherwise connecting with my animal body. Gets me out of my head and into my heart & gut.
- Ritual. Anything from a ceremoniously steeped cup of tea, a candle, various ideosynchratic things, to a good primordial scream in the car. Whatever works, as long as it’s done with the conscious, expressed intention of creating a break, a time-out, for what’s distracting me from Being.
Thank you for sharing your process, Jen. Happy Valentine’s Day!
4 Sandi Feb 27, 2006
Hi Jennifer!
It’s been way too long since I was in touch with you since the Newfield Days. You might not recognize my name since I got married this past May! Your writing still inspires – how could it be otherwise?
Now to your question of how to organize my life from the inside out. First and foremost, I would say that I am learning to use my compulsions (primarily to eating when I’m not hungry) as the guidepost to pointing me to what’s missing and what I’m needing at that moment. This process has been so compelling that I started my own blog about finding the connective threads between hunger and my emotional/spiritual journey and longings.
For example, when I want to eat cookie dough, I feel like a child who needs mommy-ing, so I talk to myself gently to see what is scaring me. When I want ice cream, I want to know that I am loved unconditionally. And the grand-daddy of them all, when I am picking myself apart as never being good enough, the call of chocolate is not too far away.
I also know that I have about seven segments in my life that are closest to my heart and feed me from the inside out(solitude, time with my husband, writing, good work, physical wellbeing, spiritual development, friends). I put a little bit of time into each on most days – but by far the most important one is solitude. And within that, I have ritual that soothes and comforts me more than anything: a pot of tea, a lit candle, gratitude journal, and morning prayer on my knees. Without this hour alone while I listen to my beloved snoring on the other side of the wall, I would not be a fit human being. I would not be awake to the tired and frazzled places in me that just need to be seen and heard.
It’s good to “hear” you again! All best wishes!