I received this email this morning:
"Jennifer,
I understand the spirit and the idea behind the "freedom from self improvement" day/week, and I applaud the focus on self-acceptance. What I find a bit curious is this tag line at the top of your e-mails: "Because if self-improvement worked, we’d all be self-levitating, multi-lingual, size-zero billionaires by now."
Isn’t your purpose self-improvement — isn’t that the whole focus of your books, newsletters, Web site, etc.? Don’t you offer advice, encouragement, resources that are all focused on self-improvement? Don’t you profit to some degree financially from getting others to focus on their own self-improvement? Isn’t there something a bit conflicted, then, about promoting an entire movement that says self-improvement doesn’t work???
Believe me, I completely understand you are not the only person or entity that essentially profits from focusing on self-improvement yet truly benefits when those efforts fail. Weight Watchers, to me, is a great example of that. The amount of money spent even here in my local area, week after week, weigh-in after weigh-in, is astounding. I’m atypical when it comes to Weight Watchers, though — I made my goal weight, I’ve maintained my weight, I no longer go to meetings, so they no longer receive my money. The funny thing is I didn’t learn a damn thing from them about maintaining weight loss or how to be the "new" me — because not one bit of their focus in the year and a half I went to meetings was on self-improvement at all. It was about what to do to lose weight — hey, buy this 10-week plan for only $100! Look at all these ways you can have sweets and still stay within your points range! — not what to do once you accomplish that goal. Because few do, at least in my Illinois location. Here Weight Watchers is, plain and simple, a money-making venture. And I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing. But are you really wanting people to learn and improve themselves — especially while touting that self-improvement doesn’t work? Or do you just want to sell books and retreats?
Maybe I’m just too cynical. Maybe everyone really knows self-improvement doesn’t work and they want someone to tell them that’s okay and find others to simply commiserate with, so you’re actually filling a valuable role. But I did want to share my thoughts."
I totally understand your point of view and I’ll bet other readers share your concerns so thanks for taking the time to write.
I searched my heart before launching Freedom From for just that reason – would it appear cynical? What was /is my true desire?
My ego’s desire was/is, "I hope they think I’m cool and hip for thinking of this idea, and while they’re at it, I hope they read my books and think they are cool and hip too!"
My ego wants attention, of course, and it always will. It’s over here preening right now. "They’re talking about me!"
My heart said/says "I want people to experience how truly okay they are right now. To touch into that peace that passes understanding. To rest. Really rest. To drink in that simple peace."
My mind (with the help of my hands) searched through my books to see how much self-improvement there is in the six buggers. I found very, very little. I found nothing written or implied that says, "Do this and you will finally be better / good enough."
The message of my heart has perhaps have prevailed over my ego, at least in most of my writing. My books are written in the spirit of "You are okay and you can try this or this if it appeals to you but not because you need to or because it’s THE answer or because then you will be good enough but because you are hurting or curious or hungry for connection with yourself or someone else…" My retreats certainly are in the same vein–even more explicitly as I grow into this awareness myself.
What your email calls into question for me is, "What is the distinction between self-development and self-improvement?"
and
"Does self-improvement work?"
For me, the crucial distinction is mood, the mood you undertake change or learning in, the intention you hold. For example:
I can go to Weight Watchers out of a desire to love myself more through healthy food choices or to learn more about healthy food choices or to get support for making them, knowing my brain works better (frontal lobes are stimulated and oxytocin secreted in groups of women who trust each other) doing this work in the company of others
or
I can go to Weight Watchers in an effort to do something that will make me worth loving or to find THE ANSWER that will finally make everything okay
When I do that, I’m screwed.
I might still lose weight (especially if I’m good at will power and self-control) but it won’t stay off because there is no deeper foundation of self-acceptance. Eventually, my iron will power will collapse when life gets crazy and that energy has to go elsewhere to hold something else or someone else together.
Or let’s say my goal is to be closer to Source. I can do even this in a mood of "If I do this just right, then I will be lovable" but then whatever changes are wrought in me will remain a veneer on top of my heart. And veneers pop off. I have veneers on my front teeth, which were badly damaged when I was a kid, and one popped off on Christmas day, instantly transforming me into an excellent pirate.
Thoughts? I invite your push back, your comments, "you’re a big fat liar because…" thoughts – This is such an important conversation to be engaged in!
14 responses so far ↓
1 Michellev May 21, 2007
Yes yes! It is all about attitude, all about how you are ‘improving’ yourself. You can read to become informed, and enjoy it, but if you read all the time, perhaps even obsessively, (not me mind you, I’d never do that), all the self help books in order to become better, it becomes an unreachable goal. Rather read as an enjoyable activity that will help you and me understand more about ourselves, the human condition, and why we do what we do. It is about taking the pressure off.
2 Lain Ehmann May 21, 2007
I see (or rather, FEEL) such a distinction between “self-improvement” and “self-love/nurturing.” To me, what you encourage is to love oneself, to comfort oneself, to listen to oneself. What a difference from all the experts who say, “LISTEN TO ME!!!”
It’s the difference between self-hatred and self-flagellation, and self-embracing and self-care.
One is constricted and punishing, the other is free and joyful.
No contradiction to me!
oxooxxo
Lain
3 Beth May 22, 2007
To me it is the difference between self-knowledge and self-improvement. I find self-knowledge is what makes me stronger, more vital and more connected (to others, my God, my purpose).
I admire anyone who maintains weight loss post WW. I think it is a good eating program and, during my 48 years, have reached goal three times at WW. The last time, I remembering thinking, now what? I didn’t need to know what to eat, I needed to understand how to be the new me.
I refuse to count another point or go to another meeting. For me, if I can’t do it for the rest of my life, it isn’t worth the investiment of time, energy and effort. I now focus my energies on better understanding, appreciating and accepting my whole self. Will that lead to a smaller body? I don’t know, but at least the changes that come about are permanent and rewarding – for myself and those I love.
4 Irene May 22, 2007
Dear Jennifer,
I totally sympathize with the sender of the e-mail you’ve received. I have felt many times just like she feels. I have been there and sometimes I slip over that path. I slip when I I feel like defending myself and my choices, when I shut myself and I want to hybernate in my misery.
There are hundreds of books out there waiting to be bought and read, tens of snail mails promoting each other as the panacea for every human shortcoming. They make me sick.
The difference with your voice , as I have discovered over time, is that when I am “with you”, reading your books/e-mails/blog, I feel I am enough. That you are not all that different/perfect than i am. That you do not preach perfect relationships/careers/spiritual enlightnment. What you propose is something I can do with who I am right now, at this moment, and it never promises to make a perfect speciment.
I think that the very fist title you attributed to yourself is still true: you ARE The Comfort Queen. Not the “everything is fine, life rocks, you rock, let’s put our pink glasses on” kind of OK.
Besides, why is it bad to walk along the path of acceptance, kindness and development?
Yes, I feel I am not the person I can be, I am not complete as a personality. I feel I have gifts to give and as many to receive. Your work gently boosts my ability to be my personal best and live life to the full. No paratroopers here.
your work is womanly like open arms and the safety and love of a womb> thank you!
5 cindy May 22, 2007
jennifer-i have not thought the heart of your books were about self improvement, but the “heart” i see is self nurture. and when we do take care of ourselves well, then we have an abundance with which to give back. a giving that is joy-filled not depleted giving. just my 2 cents. cindy
6 YOKO May 22, 2007
Jennifer,
I agree that it is our orientation, intention, or the state of being that we are coming from as we go into any kind of self improvement is the whole key to what kind of results we will get.
It’s such a subtle distinction, but makes all the difference in the world. When we appoach a tecnique, a seminar, a book, coach etc. from an attitude that there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed, we are going to be adding energy to the idea that there is something wrong with me or my situation.
When we approach a tecnique, seminat etc. from an atttude that I want more and more positive things in my life, we are infusing our desire with a positive energy.
The difference is our “come from” place which is often “there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed.” I fell in love with the book “There Is Nothing Wrong With You” by Cheri Huber some time ago. What a liberating idea!! I loved it and it set me free from chronic self improvement.
I had this breakthrough for myself some years ago because I became a huge personal development junkie. I noticed a pattern of going to books, seminars, etc. whenever I felt bad to get a fix and fix myself. I always felt relief immediatly after, but noticed that I felt much worse shortly after that. Then I went off to buy another book.
I’m glad you are talking about this and bringing it out into the open. It is interesting to me that that is how our marketing world works. Those of us who sell products or services are encouraged to speak to people’s pain and offer hope by encouraging them to fix themselves. I have never been able to do this. It always felt like I was deceiving people.
By the way, don’t know why it says that I am signed in as YOKO, but I tried a variety of things and it didn’t change my name!
Warmly,
Daina (Dinah) Puodziunas
http://www.Midlifefairygodmothers.com
7 Callie May 22, 2007
I think this is how we learn. It might start out with a search to be better, and maybe even an anger with yourself to lose weight/make money/do more whatever. Maybe that is part of it. Maybe the goal of improvement for the sake of being “worthy” is the best you can do at a given time. But when you are ready for it, you let some love in, and that heals a part of you. And you begin to have a knowing of how that feels. So when you are ready, you try it again. As you are more able to let that love in, you have less need to work at “improving” because you reach for acceptance instead. And so goes the process. Eventually, you start to give that love to others and they take it in when they are ready for it. Maybe they are not ready though. Maybe they still need the safety that the quest for “improvement” provides. And that has value. It is part of the learning, it is where you stick your toe in until you think the water is warm enough. Judging someone for where they are in their process is trying to improve them, but loving them through their growth into their own self acceptance is pretty wonderful. We should all be in that business!
8 Rebecca May 22, 2007
Perhaps the right word would be SELF ACCEPTANCE DAY – Accepting who, what and where you are right now – and knowing/feeling that who/what/whereever is, for this moment, ok. It is not that there are no questions, they are just gentler. And reading inspirational words or experiences flows more gently on the ears/mind. For a day or a week or a moment to stop the frantic search for that magic bullet, that one answer “out there” that will transform you into who/what/where you “should” be. But to say – Here I Am, in all my beauty and imperfection. There are days that ask questions and days that answer them – but just for today to rest in what is.
I can still remember clearly the ahha impact of the original Comfort Queen when that book came out. No book has spoken to me as loudly. And after all this time I’m still working with it. Life is about change and growth, about becoming aware, being alive—-and every moment is perfect in its own way if you think about it.
A time to take a deep breath and look around before moving on. Thank you Jennifer -
9 Christine May 23, 2007
I wrote the original e-mail to Jennifer, and it’s definitely intriguing to read both her response and the comments listed here. And I would like to reiterate how I started my e-mail: that I understand the spirit behind the “freedom from self-improvement” movement and applaud that focus on self-acceptance. Because THAT — self-acceptance — certainly is the heart of it all. Isn’t it what each of us is about? Accepting myself. Because if I don’t, who else can or will? It’s certainly not easy, as it’s something we’re not necessarily brought up to understand or believe in. So having resources, a community of like-minded individuals, is so helpful to learn and grow and ultimately accept.
But the real point I was trying to make had little to do with that. It was just about the negative-sounding tagline and the idea that promoting the fact self-improvment doesn’t work seemed a little inconsistent — in my own opinion, of course — for someone who sells resources that focus on helping women learn and grow and improve. But that there are certainly entities out there that do just that. And, cynically, there is much money to be made.
Actually, even self-acceptance, I think contentment with myself comes down to personal responsibility. What do I need to do so that I am the best “me” I can be? Only I can decide, and DO, that.
10 Jennifer Louden May 23, 2007
Christine,
I feel like a big poop. Because when I first read your email, I agreed with you (with a little feeling of “oh, didn’t slow down to pay attention to that when I could have”) that our tag line wasn’t quite right. I had never been able to craft it in a way that really captured the spirit of what I wanted to convey yet I didn’t know quite what to do so I let it go.
Yet in reading your emal, I quickly “forgot” your main point and turned into what I wanted to hear, which was a way to be right. I’m a big blushing pile of poop over here. And so human.
I’m delighted to notice I’m not beating myself up over my not stopping to really listen to my inner knowing and I’m also noticing how not beating myself up can, for me, easily slip into shoving things under the rug as in what i did when I responded to your email! Perhaps the next emotional/spiritual step for me to learn is how to slow down and listen without beating myself up. YES!
I really, really thank you for this exchange Christine.
11 Christine May 24, 2007
Jennifer, thank you for your honesty!
12 Tara May 24, 2007
I have to admit I was a bit nervous about jumping on board this freedom train, and even found myself lying awake one night wondering why. To be honest, my first thought was that the self-help business was getting a bad rep due to the saturated market, and that one of the best in the business was rethinking her self (via the Life Planner) and plotting how not to go down with it. After all, one of the first books I read from the self-improvement section of our library was The Comfort Queen. While the book itself was transformational (and still is), helping me finish my novel, I confess that it played a role in attracting me to its neighbors. Why wouldn’t it? This is just simply human nature, as my three year old can demonstrate with hippos. Find something you love and begin collecting! I don’t think it’s such a bad thing that we all want to be better people. And to have more joy, as Oprah said in a recent episode. I think the problem lies in the fact that when we learn a valuable lesson, read that perfect quote, or have an aha moment, we don’t take time to really think about it and use it to grow. Instead, we keep looking for the next aha. The next hippo. But, as I’ve also learned with hippos, the more you collect, the less you truly play. Like The Comfort Queen, and a handful of other books that have spoken to me in my life, Mr. Hippo and Miss Hippo are treasures. The others simply belong on the shelves. Jennifer, thoughts of you inspire me daily. You take my mind off the “poop” and I’m sure I’m not the only woman who thanks God for you daily in her Simple Abundance inspired gratitude journal. Though I’m a little late, I’m happily on this freedom train…even if I am improved because of it.
13 Marisa Jun 19, 2007
I would think that “self improvement” in the sense that the writer is talking about is something that you are doing because you think that it will make you feel or look better so “then you can be happy”. I have never felt that anything you have written has ever suggested you have to become something other than who you are now to lead a happier and better life. Sure, there are little tweaks and pulls here and there that you can make along your path to help with that, but it’s not about “self improvement” like you see on the shelves at Barnes and Noble. Freedom from that trap of thinking that you MUST be more/better/improved is really the only way that you will ever be able to be fully who you are and enjoy your life.
14 Peter Williams Nov 23, 2007
Great post Jennifer,
It inspires the readers who has that great desire to lead a better and happier life. You know..
‘Self-improvement’ is the key to better relations with other people. Self-improvement helps us to take our own decision in any kind of problems that we face in our lives. Self Improvement is all about knowing who we are and making committed decision. Self improvement is about knowing who we truly are. It is a better way to take charge of our own life. The desire for self-improvement is the desire to lead a better and happier life. If self-improvement is what you desire then this should be your highway to reaching your goals. Self Improvement is an excellent investment in improving your life. From this, you come to know that positive attitude is the first step towards your self-improvement. “Failure is the stepping stone to huge success”. Learn how to change your thinking to change your life. No matter what has happened or what WILL happen, you will never ever lose your value. You are special. Don’t ever forget that – “Never let yesterday’s disappointments overshadow tomorrow’s dreams”.