My friend Ann offered me her black dress to wear to the funeral but we aren’t having one.
Dad didn’t want one. At 87, he’s the youngest of his family and was the last one living. Most of his friends have passed on and when my parents moved to Santa Barbara and then to Washington to be with us, they never created new community. Truth be told, Dad had become somewhat of a hermit in the last 15 years. That scares me a bit as I have the same propensity — to pull in and spend all my time alone — which is okay except relationships do atrophy without attention. And what has been the biggest comfort during this time? Friends and family. Hugs. Emails. Calls. My client Suzie even sent me a book on grief and another friend left homemade pesto. To know I am a human animal, snuggled in the midst of far flung pack.
I wish we were having a funeral, a big wake. People would bring tuna casseroles made with cream of mushroom soup (I’m originally from southern Indiana: enough said) and a big ham and someone would make deviled eggs and we’d tell stories and get a headache from crying.
~~~~~
This morning the light is thin and fragile.
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8 responses so far ↓
1 martha Oct 26, 2006
Hi Jen
So sorry for your loss. I would bring a casserole for you. Maybe you can have a faux funeral when things have settled down a bit. I think they are more for the living than the deceased anyway. Everyone has their own way. Hugs and deviled eggs, martha
2 Lain Ehmann Oct 26, 2006
Oh my dear… we will have a wake and celebrate his life just as you said… we will do it in a new way that befits the relationships you have created throughout the world… So many of us are grieving with you now as you go through this life stage.
Hugs, virtual and otherwise.
xoxox
Lain
3 Jennifer Pirtle Oct 27, 2006
I agree. Go with your instincts – celebrate the time he spent on earth in some way with people who are close to you, to him (both!) in some way if that is what feels right to you. Take care of yourself.
4 Linda Oct 27, 2006
Jen,
I’ve been gone and only just found out about your Father’s passing. Take solace in the fact that he will be with you more now than ever before. I feel so close to my father in spirit since he passed. You will too.
Do try to have a memorial to celebrate his life. It is really for you and your family more than it is for him. But he’ll be there and he’ll appreciate it.
God Bless you with the peace of understanding.
Linda Williams
5 Tracy Oct 27, 2006
I agree as well. Celebrate his life and your love for him in a way that gives you some comfort. Take good care and be well Jen.
Thinking of you and sending warm hugs across the strait.
Tracy
6 Beverly Keaton Smith Oct 27, 2006
Hi Jennifer, it suddenly popped into my mind this morning to take a look at your blog. I am so deeply sorry to discover that your dad has passed on. My deepest sympathy to you and your family….Sending loving thoughts and prayers your way. Love, Beverly
7 SusanG Oct 27, 2006
Funerals aren’t for the dead, they’re for those staying behind. They provide you with closure, an opportunity to mark a passing, celebrate a life. Have one of your own. Have a string of them. As you travel, call up family and friends in the areas you’re going to and meet at a restaurant. Bring pictures, tell stories and laugh and cry and eat. I learned a lot about my dad from the people who came to his visitation…stuff he never told me, often about me. Wear his favorite color or something that brings a memory of him. I wore my dad’s bathrobe for a while because it felt like he was hugging me when I put it on…something he never did in life because that just wasn’t “him”. I remember putting a HUGE grave mound on his plot that first Christmas…gaudy and bright…because I wanted to. As I drove the pegs into the ground to anchor it I said to him, “I know you probably don’t like this much but I do and guess what…you don’t get a vote this time!” It made me laugh. Have your memorial service. Susan
8 Bonnie Oct 27, 2006
Dear Jen,
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family now.
I would send you homemade soup and bread, if I could!
I hope you do celebrate your father’s life in some way. Planning our dad’s memorial service, for three weeeks after his passing, began the healing for my sisters and I. We chose the music he loved and made sure there was time for people to share their stories about him. It was so good to be with so many people who loved him.
Planning something just for you, for your own way of honouring and remembering your dad and your love for him, can begin the healing.
love and hugs,
Bonnie