24 responses so far ↓

• 1 Linda Sep 3, 2005

  Dearest J….

  Just wanted to know I LOVE your anger! Love it! It has comforted me more than anything else has in these days since the hurricane struck.

  You are so beautifully you in this….

  I join you in howling….

  Love, Linda

• 2 Cheryl Thuente Sep 3, 2005

  I admire your desire to write creatively and not just for the pursuit of meaning during this most difficult time in your life. In the midst of all of the suffering you are going through, rather than empowering the negative, you are using it for enlightenment, or living in the present. Being creative requires a balance between no-thought and inner stillness, according to Eckhart Tolle, and I know that your creative spirit will soar, rather than succomb to the fear and anger of all the injustices you are feeling. I think you will write great things that I look forward to reading. God bless you!

• 3 Hawk Sep 3, 2005

  Your post on anger came at a significant time. Thank you. PLEASE don’t be either ashamed or afraid of this. It’s can be an important source of energy to fuel action : action that is essential for change. We,as women, have been conditioned to believe we must “play nice”, to submerge our thoughts/feelings for acceptance….and therefore they/we have been excluded in the shaping of the world. Or rather conditioned to exclude ourselves. Thank you for the honesty, the emotional risk of sharing this.

• 4 Annedreya Sep 3, 2005

  Jennifer, I sympathize with your anger. I understand it and I experience similar feelings.
  But I believe that anger – mine, yours, others – comes from fear. The opposite of love.
  And I believe that by sending out fear and anger, I am only fanning the flames. I cannot make things better by doing this. I can and probably will make things worse. So after I acknowledge that anger, that fear.. in me, in you, in others.. I then send love. To myself, to those on both sides of this appalling situation in New Orleans and the South, to everyone in this country, to your family and to mine.
  This is what I believe. I’m not asking anyone to share that belief and I’m not shaming anyone who doesn’t. I, personally, just don’t want to live in fear and anger anymore.

• 5 Janice R. Farnsworth Sep 3, 2005

  J. Even in anger, we exist, and to stop feeling and expressing the energy of life itself would be to stop living from within. There is anguish in my heart as well but I can’t imagine some of the losses others are experiencing right now at this very moment. But, I feel your pain and I wish to give you comfort – sometimes, it seems as though there is too much anguish and suffering and not enough harmony and peace. How do we go on with heavy hearts? This is when I know that it is okay to be angry and to expell the fear, it is part of life. We live in times of great uncertaintity and times that will change us forever, not only individually but as a nation. In the wake of all of this – Love is the answer – My heart is with you, my prayers are with your daughter and your husband. May you find comfort in your time of need. May all of us that hurt find comfort as well.
  Janice

• 6 Lynne Sep 4, 2005

  Dear Jen,

  You said, in your CQ newsletter, the following: I know these are the healthy responses and shortly, I will do just that. But for now, I also want to connect — not wallow — but connect to my anger. I want to feel what it has to teach me.

  I am right in there with you. I recognise it was a risk for you to share your anger, and I bet you are already getting the benefits of being with those feelings so honestly. Anger teaches me so much – initially it shows me what I want, because there are so many things daily trying out for my want-space. Anger syphons off the big stuff for my immediate persual like an instant message from my senses. Use it, Jennifer.

  love,
  Lynne

• 7 Fran Marie Sep 4, 2005

  Jennifer,

  Why does any person immediately think that anger is an unhealthy response?Even the Bible says to be angry, but don’t let it overtake you.

  Anger becomes unhealthy when we stay stuck and let it become rage and bitterness.

  There is EVERY reason to become angry when some ungodly tragedy happens.

  I think the MOST insincere we can do is act as if nothing can topple us. To act as if we are Pippie Longstocking in Donna Karan.

  The strongest, most sincere thing a person can do is reach out to someone who will listen to us scream, cry, rant and punch without comment or advice. If it’s a real friend then they will simply cry along with us.

  It is a warped and unhealthy concept to face everything evil as if we are Steven Segal. Humans are weak and vunerable even in the most balanced state.

  We need each other and to feel that we are less than the gift we possess because WE view it as hypocritical is the most absurd thing to me!

  We learn together. We fall together. We hold each other up! THAT is humanity!! Sometimes it’s my turn and sometimes it’s yours. That’s life.

  The most important thing is to NOT apologize for your feelings but to grow through them, learn from them and not get stuck in them.

  None of this makes sense. It’s not okay and it’s just FINE to see it that way.

  Work it out and walk through it. If you have to yell along the way , DO IT!!

  Never forget that even if it makes you temporarily ugly there are those of us who understand completely and will think no less of you because of it.

  If anything it will encourage us that you are actually human!

  We love you and your wonderful INTACT gift!!

  ~Fran Marie~

• 8 LindaP Sep 4, 2005

  Hi Jennifer ! I met you a few years ago in York Pa at a conference. I, too, had cancer and was finding my way thru it. I had done some writing and gave it to you but I don’t think it was ready yet because of the anger I was still feeling. The anger may have been too obvious, too fresh, maybe offensive. I know now, down the line, that it was justified and necessary to get from point A to point B. I felt embarrassed by it. I had verbal altercations with anybody and anyone. It was so ugly, but necessary. We were taught not to be angy, it wasn’t ‘ladylike’ and there I was raging at the night and in public no less! I too had a blood disease, Hodgkins. I had an 8-month old at the time and was consumed with this rage I couldn’t control. I wrote when I could and yelled the rest of the time till it passed. It did. It will. I wish I had embraced it sooner than felt guilty about it. It would have cleansed me sooner. God Bless you and your family. It’s amazing what medicine can do these days. I’m hoping he gets a port for the chemo. It made it so much easier.
  Much Love, Linda Pelletier

• 9 Helen Oliver Sep 4, 2005

  Jennifer,

  Thank you for articulating what I’ve been feeling…spitting mad and wanting to blame, but knowing better than to stop with simplistic answers.

  There will be good from all of it…there is meaning in everything. Thank you for saying it.

• 10 Mary Ann Sep 4, 2005

  I applaud your anger as I felt the same kind of anger. I also felt an overwhelming sadness. Those first few days all I could do is weep at every newscast. I realized that my weeping wasn’t constructive as it was only satisfying me. Now, while watching news accounts I send blessings, peace and love to the Gulf area and its residents. I’ve made a cash donation, donated non-perishable food and voiced my opinion. Sending peace and love is the most positive thing we can do.

• 11 Yvonne Thomas Sep 4, 2005

  Tell me Jennifer Marie… how can one tiny little person be so packed full of such energy, such honest, gut-wrenching feelings, so blessed to be able to share with all of us those feelings we too are experiencing…for the Katrina victims, for your family (my dear friends by the way)…for the inequalities of this world, for so much pain, for the fact we feel helpless in the thick of all of it. You my dear Jen are most definitely being the leader you were born to be! You go girl!
  Love to you, Chris, Lilly, Doyle, Betty and Michele, Luna and Miss Emma B Clover! My love and prayers are with you all. Those very special men in your life are strong of heart and character and they live with very strong women~ a winning combination I’d say!hugs to very special you.. Yvonne

• 12 Gigi Sep 4, 2005

  Thank you for your honesty in sharing your anger. You are going to go through a lot of emotions facing cancer with a loved one (I know from personal experience). Things only get worse when we shove them aside. I always feel more connected with people who have had to become part of that group that no one asks to be a member of and that is having a loved one deal with cancer. It some how makes a person have more layers, if that makes sense. Anyway, thanks. You have helped me in some incredibly dark times through your books and I feel blessed to somehow be a listener to your heart.

• 13 Karen Sep 4, 2005

  You are real. You have inspired me with your writing. And I’ve used some of your ideas to inspire other women. I believe one of the reasons I work so well with women in transition is because I have been through just about every spirit stomping, life-altering disaster a person can go through. And, here, I find myself going through another wilderness period.

  Honey, those tears are beauty marks. And those beauty marks give us clout among other women. The well worn marks of life are our credentials. It’s hard to believe someone when they tell you there’s light at the end of the tunnel, unless you know they’ve been in the tunnel.

  It’s OK to be angry. I’m angry about all the things you named, and then some. But all I can do, is all I can do. I bought a paperback at a well known bookstore yesterday. The sales clerk asked me if I wished to make a cash donation to the Katrina relief effort. Yes, I wish I could. It would have been a choice between the book or the donation. I was excused from my job this summer due to depression. That’s what happens when some of us take on too much “stuff.” We can’t fix everything. Yes, I bought the book. I was skimpy with groceries so I could have a moment of selfish peace in the midst of my personal disaster. Comfort, Jennifer. Comfort is doing what you have to, to make yourself feel better. And that includes getting mad.

  Thank you for sharing your special gifts.

  Karen T

• 14 katerina Sep 4, 2005

  Dear Jennifer,

  The words that came to me,
  as I followed your struggle with the intensity , complexity, rawness of your anger, were: “Anger is your guardian.”

  These words, which your words drew from me, help me too; many energies already flow from these words -yours, mine , the words of others here…

  With prayers for you and yours, and for each one of us. In a very real way, we hold the whole world in our hands -and a greater mystery
  holds and encompasses all -

  You know, I’m tired and feel like deleting the second part of this post – sounds , well, it just does sound..but, I won’t. You didn’t and I am glad. Who am I to judge how I sound, anyway?

  Katerina

• 15 Sharon Ann Sep 5, 2005

  Dear Jennifer and all who posted,

  What beautiful sentiments! My prayers, of course, go put to you. Take care of yourself, too, and know that you are helping so many of us by showing us your humanity. We all feel less guilty about our own emotions and expressing them in a world where that is not seen as right. All of you who wrote back, such beautiful writing coming from the heart.

  Peace to all,
  Sharon Ann

• 16 monica englander Sep 5, 2005

  Hi Jennifer,
  I’ve corresponded with you before. I’m a new psychotherapist, formerly from Portland, Oregon. I was drawn to respond to your writing on your anger.
  Jen, anger is primal. It is one of our core emotions, and I’ve been taught that its evolutionary purpose is to alert us to TRESPASS, whether real, or suspected. If something or someone is threatening your space or that which is yours (like your life-mate, father, daughter, friend, country) the immediate response is to defend. It goes back to flight or fight response: do I drive off this attacker, or do I know I must run? Often, we are stuck in the space of not being able to defend or fight back. Perhaps the thing that threatens us is beyond our human reach, like cancer cells. But still, every fiber of our being calls out for us to protect that which we love, for what we love is US, at the deepest level. Your husband is not just a beloved other person — he is an integral, inseparable part of you: your soul, your heart, your life. So what does one do?
  Fight.
  One fights with one’s love, compassion, patience, faith, humor AND anger. And a good way to fight with that anger is to do exactly what you have done: list all the “things” that trespass, all the things that need to be set right, and to be absolutely unwilling to say, “oh well. That’s ok”.
  The only way that things change is when people individually and collectively dig in their heels, and say, “we should not, in our modern world, have so many cancers. It is a sign that something is very, very wrong. We should not, in our modern world, have areas where the poor are underprotected, so that a natural disaster can prove to be a disaster of lack of care and planning, as well. We can do better. We must do better. We must find the answers, because they are there.”
  I for one was encouraged to hear of your anger, because it’s real, it’s appropriate, and you deserve to be able to express it. And you have also expressed it responsibly — you did not take it out on the innocent, and you did not swallow it, and therefore disengage from the world (while harming yourself).
  It’s time for solutions. We all need to be angry, I think, and to fairly and compassionately say to the world “No. I do not accept all these “thises” that can be SOLVED. I will not look the other way.”
  Sending all my support, and lots of love,
  Monica

• 17 Shelley Sep 5, 2005

  Cancer makes you angry – you have every right. Human suffering at the hands of inadequate bureacracy makes us all angry and if enough of us voice that anger to the people in charge, maybe something will be done to properly plan for the next big disaster, and there will be more unfortunately. We can pressure the government to learn the lessons and do it right next time.

• 18 Debbie Sep 5, 2005

  Hearing your anger brought a measure of comfort to my soul. I am good at stuffing my anger, and then becoming ill. I am grateful for your honesty and your ability to write and share your emotions with us. You have every right to be angry. It is wrong for your husband to have his life interrupted in this way. You are very lucky that you have this source to reach out to others and have them reach back to you. Many of us do not have that privilege. The many, many injustices in this life deserve our anger. You have been there for us, comforting us through our hard times. We are now here for you. Please give us your honest feelings. It will help you, and it helps us to be able to cope with ours. As I always say, “let’s hold hands and get through this together.”

• 19 Amy Sep 5, 2005

  Jennifer,
  I wanted to write something profound and healing for you, but somehow I have been struck dumb in the moment. Still, after reading through many of your other comments it seems that many of us, myself included, stuff anger from fear that we will destroy or spontaneously combust or die or … (fill in the blank). There is tremendous energy behind your anger right now- the same energy that fuels healing action. I am looking forward to hearing about how you follow it wherever it leads you with the same honesty and wisdom that you always use. You are an inspiration and a tremendous comfort to those of us trying to do the same. In the meantime, I send you a comforting blanket, a warm cup of your favorite tea, enough tissues, and the ability to breathe deeply through this. (You always send us comfort images- it’s time you had one of your own sent to you.)

• 20 Sandra Sep 5, 2005

  I am amazed. In 2001 I went through a difficult divorce. In 2002 my eldest was in a catastrophic car accident and I left my job to care for her. In 2003 I had to deal with ovarian cancer, and I can say, never felt anger…..I wonder why? Did I not have time to get to the stage before another disaster struck? Or was I so grateful to still have my life, my daughter, lesser problems than some?
  God Bless us all….especially those in need.
  s

• 21 jennifer freed Sep 5, 2005

  If all women got in touch with their righteous anger now, we could cast out this dictatorship of greed and replace it with a compassionate system of governing. It is our anger which moves us to make seemingly impossible change, especially if we use our frustration to create movements of action and voice which represent the highest good. It is never our anger that causes us problems it is our willingness to express it through compassionate and fierce protest, protest which links us to the oppressed and finds our common voice in ending injustice. LET EVERY WOMAN’S RING OUT NOW IN PROTEST OF LETTING HUMANS DIE BECAUSE HEALTHCARE, ECOLOGY, AND EQUALITY ARE UNIMPORTANT TO A GOVERNMENT WHICH CHERISHES HUGE OIL PROFIT.

• 22 Sue Sep 6, 2005

  Jennifer,
  Thank you for sharing such personal feelings with all of us. I just had to let you know that several years in therapy have taught me that if I close myself down to the anger I am trying to feel, I will also close myself down to all of the wonderful feelings I am capable of feeling. I suppose the same is true of most of us. Please continue to feel and deal with your anger as long as it takes. If you shut down we will all miss your light.
  Sue

• 23 Susan G Sep 6, 2005

  Jennifer, remember that anger is not a “bad” emotion. In fact, anger is a very active emotion. Look at the words you used when describing your anger…pummel, boil, collar…all action words. Anger will move you to action. True, if you “wallow” in it, it can consume you as any fire consumes its fuel. But it also produces energy as it burns and it is that energy that spurs you (or any of us) to action – to write the letters, to make the donations – to ask the questions of ourselves and of others that must be asked. Embrace your anger as you do any other emotion. Feel its fire and use its energy to fuel your action.

• 24 Debbie S. Sep 7, 2005

  Healing Blessing for your and all who are currently suffering! My husband was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia in Sept. ’04. I have spent a lot of time in the last year wanting to scream, cry and throw major temper tantrums on an almost daily basis. The fear and anger have been greatly tempered by the outpouring of love and healing energy we have been surrounded by through this all. He is in full remission now and I am so thankful for that outcome! I hope your husband has the same outcome. Leukemia can be extremely scary and seems to sneak up on you just when you least expect it. One of his wonderful nurses recommended I give myself a few minutes each day to just vent all my frustrations and feel whatever I’m feeling. I have found using her great advice, gives me the time I need to blow off steam and makes it possible for me to be supportive to him. Thank you for your honesty and this amazing forum to share our feelings! We also never had a doubt as to the depth of our love and connection, and that allowed us to focus together on getting him healed and back into life. My deepest wish for everyone who is married is for them to share a love that transcend all the “stuff” life throws at them.

  Peace & Blessings,
  Deb.