One of the sticking points for me in living my creative life is that so many ideas come at once – especially the closer I am to an important breakthrough of ideas or personal understanding. Thus this morning I felt several very important personal revelations coming through at the same time I had to get one of my books off the shelf to give to Vicki Robbins, whom I’m meeting later with Molly Gordon, David Emerald and Donna Zajonc to give her feedback on her new book and then I had the idea to make a cover of my art for the book as I detest the art (and the new title, thanks Source Books for not honoring my feedback one iota!) and then I thought "My new scanner, let’s make art in the scanner" 
MEANWHILE IN THE BACK OF MY MIND
and in the center of my heart
This very key breakthrough is burbling and bubbling.. which is not all burbled yet but here it is so far…
I hold myself back from telling people about my ideas and my work and my offerings (I sort of hide) because if I tell people about myself I’m being greedy and spoiled and needing attention and that is not okay (old childhood messages – "You are so amazing, Jenny" followed by "You are so spoiled." All said with love and also the fear that I would be "too much" and want too much.) I can’t talk about myself and what I believe and do unless I am first asked and get this – if that person already knows what I do!
I took a yoga workshop with past weekend with Desiree Rumbaugh. I watched myself wanting to be seen by "the teacher" and feeling that very old feeling of wanting to belong. I felt both blessed to be able to Witness this feeling and not be swept away by it but also prickled by not understanding it’s appearance, it’s lesson. I want to fit in? I want to be seen? I want to be special? None of those fit – they once did but not anymore. I could feel myself wanting wanting wanting but what?
Today, what emerges out of the creative whirlwind is this wanting is tied to a belief that "people should come to me because then I’m okay." What the heck does that mean? Not sure but feels really important! I noticed last night I started to not want to go to the meeting with Vicki ("I need rest, the next two months are going to be so busy!) and then I got an email from Donna this morning saying Vicki was so happy I was coming because she admired my work for years and suddenly I wanted to go. That connects too!
Do you get flooded with feelings and ideas of all sorts before a breakthrough? What does it look like and how do you ride the wave?
4 responses so far ↓
1 Photopoppy Jul 3, 2006
So many things in my head, so little time to squeeze them through my fingers onto the keyboard before I lose them…..
I don’t experience quite the same breakthrough, but one thing I have noticed today is how easily I get distracted. That’s my sticking point. I am a classic Myers-briggs Introvert – multiple inputs annoy me rather than excite me. Even if I don’t answer the phone (which is only an option at home, I don’t get that choice often at work), simply noticing it ringing throws me off from where I am. And if where I was happened to be in the middle of a really insightful morning page, where I haven’t got the nub of what I’m thinking about down, there it goes. Right out the window. If I don’t jot it down somewhere, if I get sidetracked before I can come back to it, the breakthrough never happens and the insight disappears back into the void until next time. And, admittedly, I spend an awful lot of time staring out that same window, afraid to start because of the likelihood that my mother will call and interrupt.
I think I feel the same sometimes – people need to come to me because then, I’m ok. For me, it’s usually a symptom that I’m out of balance enough to be depressed – I tend to pull away and expect people to “prove” that I’m worthy by coming to me. At least, I think that’s what you’re describing, but I’m having a very scattered day today.
And, for what it’s worth, I absolutely adore the article by Kirsten Johnson in that same edition of Worthwhile. It really says exactly what I’ve been thinking about the corporate world, me and the increasing number of friends who’ve left it, or who have opted to spend their lives outside of work doing something creative.
2 Kimberly Baltunis Jul 4, 2006
I can totally relate to the swirling of ideas. This comes and goes for me, and I’m in a swirl right now, remodel the house, create this program for work, enhance my husbands store, start a project for the kids! I could have written your post today. Interesting to me, I enlarged your scanned artwork above and only got 1/3 of it on screen, I saw two large piercing eyes and the words “want to be seen for themselves”, you mentioned the yoga class, I had a similar experience last week in my practice. I locked eyes briefly with the instructor and I was so happy to be “seen” there! I needed to be noticed for some reason.
So yes I do have the flood of idea, energy and love happening in anticipation of a breakthrough…………………………
3 Sarah Jul 4, 2006
That longing to “be seen” was one of the biggest losses for me a few years ago as I anticipated my father’s death from cancer. He “saw” me my whole life in a way that no one else ever did or could. He read everything I wrote with interest and always wanted to hear about my work, my family, my life. My father never failed to stop and listen or watch… As he grew weaker, and after I attended the Writers’ Spa in 2002 (such a pivotal experience for me, truly and clearly life-changing), I understood that I would need to let go of this particular joy as he grew nearer death, and that I was unlikely to find it in exactly the same way ever again. In my spiritual direction process, I came to understand that, for me, the “person” who will always “see” and “get” me is not a person, but the Creator I call God. I am learning (slowly and little-by-little) that God not only feeds my inspiration and creativity, but receives/holds/delights in my journey as I co-create it with Him/Her/It. For me, the times of “breakthrough” (almost always in hindsight) are bathed in opportunities for prayer and reflection and quiet. I usually miss these opportunities, but am trying to remember when I feel that flurry of feelings etc. to take time to get quiet and listen and then respond from my heart/center to whatever might come up… When I can do this, I am better able to stay connected to the Source in all times, fertile and fallow.
4 Jodie Jul 4, 2006
Jen,
So refreshing to see you having written this today. To think I am ALWAYS THE ONLY ONE going through this does NOT help…EVER! And when I look at my mentors, such as yourself, I have to admit (selfishly) that I feel better in knowing we all are on the same page in some way. All my life I have struggled with this notion of randomness and significance and not “getting it all down” and most of all, HIDING. I am afraid to tell people things not usually because I dont’ think they’ll like or be interested in what I have to say, but rather…WHY should I say it? Waht gives me the right? Did they ASK? Just as you said, you feel almost selfish, like the little kid standing up and saying, “I have the answer! I have the answer! Look at me! Aren’t I smart? Aren’t I cute?” And while a part of me always struggles with still wanting that approval (even from you at your workshops, hence my acting out that day on the stage when I had NO idea what I was doing and said ‘I’m going to get an A on this, right?’)….and I wonder the same thing….why am I so damn afraid? Why does it feel so “spoiled” and wrong to speak up and share your enthusiasm, your ideas, instead of feeling like you are monopolizing conversations or coming across as this overbearing attention-grabber….the LAST thing I want is attention…but yet, I do want approval….and I do want people to UNDERSTAND. I HIDE from instructors…I always feel like I still “don’t belong.” I’ve had this dilemma since childhood, and it must be in the air because I woke up this morning (in my very hot apartment where even the fan in my bedroom still didn’t keep me from sweating) and I was anxious, depressed and even tearful at thinking of how I really am alone. Sure, I know a lot of people. But my phone doesn’t ring as often as I’d like. People aren’t as loyal to friendship as I am, and people dont’ always vibrate on my frequency, much less pat me on teh back or encourage me and nurture me out of hiding.
I find myself today wishing that I had my scanner (soon to be installed) so that I could play….and wishing I had a husband to talk sweet to, too!
It’s funny, I was thinking….over 100 years ago today, undivided states became united, and yet celebrated their independence….I feel like this today…I am proud to have my independence, but I’m not sure if I feel free.
I think I just saw fireworks going off.