I did not choose these words – calm, confidence and contentment – because they are stellar marketing words but because they are the qualities I have been learning to cultivate in my own life and because they are the qualities I wish you to be able to recreate for yourself no matter what.
Recreate
Because you don’t get calm, confident and content and stay there. You get a taste, and you lose it, and you come back to that mood, that state, whatever you want to call it, and then something shitty happens, and you lose it, and then you find it again.
The whole point is to find it easier, to find it faster, so that you spend more time there and less time not.
But isn’t this basically selfish? Who cares if I’m calm when women are dying in the Sudan?
I’m not going to say that the war in Iraq or Afghanistan or the Gaza or Darfur would not be happening if we were all very calm. We need anger and outrage, too, and we need to take political action.
Plus, our stories of who we are and why what we believe is right take more than the three C’s to unravel.
And I know that when we can learn to find that triple C place, for short hand our centers (very 60′s word but it is the physical and emotional feeling: centered), you get more patient with the guy at work who always interrupts acts like your ideas are pig swill and you get better at not jumping to the conclusion that your teenager is a delinquent who sole reason for existing is to drive you batty and you get more curious about why you, and everybody else, does what they do.
You become softer.
You become less reactive and judgmental.
You have more energy and perspective and creativity — and that can lead to all kinds of good things. Like taking action in ways that feed you and thus are sustainable.
I know, there I go again, stating the obvious.
Duh. Who wouldn’t want the triple C’s?
Well, it’s one thing to want more calm, confidence and contentment and quite another to know how to create it, access it, feel it when it’s right here, waiting for you, just on the other side of that story about how if I was just done with this deadline, then I could be… or if I just had made those marketing calls today then I could.. or if I just had a job, then I could…
It’s one thing to know it’s possible and another to give yourself permission to actually feel this way, no matter what’s happening in your life in this very moment.
It’s about seeing your fear, even if you think you don’t have any.
I’ve come to believe fear (in many guises) is behind a lot of our icky twisted stressy mess.
Okay, enough writing, here’s me talking. Wish I could say it was highly articulate but after 8 tries, it’s the best I could do. And I looked so much better in the first video I shot – try to not look at that piece of my hair sticking up (now that is all you will look at.) Truly though, you can watch me finding calm, confidence and contentment in this video – hope it makes you smile.
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15 responses so far ↓
1 Lynne Jan 12, 2009
I am looking forward to this so much! Thank you for this brainchild come to life — I think it is exactly what I need to learn right now… and I am very much looking forward to self-mastering the three C’s! Cute video too!
2 Cate Jan 12, 2009
Jennifer, I have been reading your blog for about a year, and appreciate your wisdom and authenticity. Your video was great….so real. Thanks.
3 Eveline Jan 12, 2009
Awesome video Jenn and so wonderful to “see” you
!!
4 cathy Jan 12, 2009
LOVED your little video! I feel more calm already! Good work!
5 R. Jan 12, 2009
Jennifer, you made me cry. Watching your video got me all teary. And your blog really hit an issue I’m having — how can I feel calm, isn’t that selfish?
I live in Israel, very close to where Hamas is firing rockets. Ever since the war started, and the rockets started coming more and more, I have been a basket case. I *already* had fear issues, but now, I’m a mess. I can’t think straight, I can’t sleep, I read the news all day, not just out of a need to know what is happening, but also for safety, to know how close the rockets are to my place. Many fell only 30 miles away, and one actually fell just 10 miles away. That is REALLY CLOSE.
But I can’t be AFRAID all day, all night. I need to sleep, I need to feel ok. So I would look outside at how beautiful it is, and try to convince myself that I’m ok. I prepared our secure room, and reminded the kids what to do if the siren goes off. I listen to music, did yoga, all these things to try and calm myself down.
It doesn’t work much, I’m too worked up. But THAT isn’t the worst or most frustrating thing. Sometimes, over the past 17 days of the war, I have been able to feel calm and ok inside for a few minutes.
BUT the SECOND I would feel this way, I’d feel guilty. Like I’m not ALLOWED to feel ok right now, I’m not ALLOWED to feel centered when my friend’s kids are at the front, risking their lives for my safety, I’m not ALLOWED to feel ok when cities closer to Gaza are being hit over and over all day, I’m not ALLOWED to feel safe and calm when Palestians in Gaza are being used as human shields by Hamas and paying with their lives.
I’m really not sure how to get that safe feeling and not feel guilty right now. It’s hard other times, too, but now, in our situation, it’s extremely hard. And I need more than ever to feel calm and ok, without guilt. I don’t know… I don’t know how to get there.
R.
6 Jennifer Jan 12, 2009
Oh sweet Rachel, I wish I could give you a hug. I can’t even imagine how hard it is to stay calm in the midst of a war and I want you to know how utterly amazed I am that you are trying. Instead of feeding into the fear, you are seeing, and experiencing, other ways.
It is very natural to feel guilty – survivor guilt I believe it is – when others so close by are suffering. I wonder what might happen if you let it be okay that you feel guilty about being calm? If those feelings of “I shouldn’t feel calm” come up, just say hi to them and also, like you would with your kids, say, “I know you have something to say and right now, I can’t listen because I need a little time for myself first. When I get calm, then I want to hear why you think it’s not okay to be calm. I don’t agree with you and I want to hear you, but first, I’m going to be here, right now, where I am safe. I will listen to you, but later.”
Tell me if that makes any sense, please!
7 Lynne Jan 12, 2009
I just wanted to leave a comment for Rachel — to tell you that our prayers for peace are with you — and a wish for calm that comes without guilt. You are so brave. Please just know that there are so many of us here that are praying for all of you.
8 Julie Jordan Scott Jan 12, 2009
Yes, yes, yes – prayers to Rachel and all the women, all the people in this war-torn area. It is difficult to fathom as I sit in my comfy California living room where the only “trouble” I have is my gardner is using a leaf blower (argh!) and upsetting my dogs.
Puts things in perspective.
And, Jen – the Three C’s touch me this morning as a Woman who has just auditioned and will be a part of V-Day for the fourth year in a row… V-Day being an international event aimed at eliminating violence against women using (as one of its tools) performances of The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler to increase people’s awareness while raising funds for a variety of organizations who purposefully end violence against women and girls.
Last year I Directed the production and we focused on being women of Fierce Grace. I brought that intent to every rehearsal and when these Actor-Activists (that’s how I referred to the women in the production) stepped into Fierce Grace, they “got” the paradox and the completely unselfish-selfishness of stepping fully not only into the role of the monologue, but also into the role of herself as herself. (I gave them that specific assignment, that in this monologue I wanted them to be as real and raw and truthful as possible.
When I come across posts like this one, from you, that are so aligned with that… it is such an affirmation.
All of this work is significant for when you come up against situations that may not be just the same as Rachel’s and yet, bear that mark of “this makes no sense!” warfare that we find ourselves in to no fault of our own.
I will slide my soap box away now….
9 R. Jan 12, 2009
Thank you, Jennifer, Lynne, and Julie. I was actually afraid to say where I am and what I’m going through, for fear people might bring up politics, which I can not stand and is so painful now. THANK YOU for not doing that. You all make me cry, in a good way.
Jennifer, yes, I hear what you’re saying. I’ll give that a try. And survivor guilt — that’s definitely 60% of it! (With 35% being issues from the past, beliefs that I don’t “deserve” to feel safe, and 5% being fear that if I relax, I won’t react quickly enough if the sirens do go off.) I didn’t realize intellectually that survivor guilt was the issue, but once you said it, I was like, “Yes! That is the right word!”
I will attempt to just “listen” to that inner voice when it speaks up next time. Kind of like what my yoga teacher says to do during savasana, to just acknowledge the thought and then let it go. I can do it during yoga… can I do it in this context? I will have to try.
As for being “amazed” that I’m not just giving into fear and actually trying to feel ok — how could I just give up into fear that easily without a fight? It’s like treading water in the middle of an ocean of intense fear. On the one hand, my hope is low, I feel very alone, and it often feels that it’s only me out there in the water, trying to survive, no shore in sight. But my choices are to tread the water, and hope to see shore soon, or drown. I won’t lie and say sometimes I don’t feel like giving up and drowning, but that survival instinct comes in and says, Keep treading, keep treading!
So, I’m exhausted, but I keep treading… I may not thriving, but I’m staying alive. The best I can do for now…
Thank you, everyone, again!
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11 Helga Jan 12, 2009
Rachel – In your calm moments you do such honor to Yourself, your loved ones, and the important message that “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” (Ambrose Redmoon). Sending you as much calm as you can handle.
12 Timmy Jan 12, 2009
Rachel,
I’m saddened when I read your comment. I cannot say I know just how you feel, but I try to imagine what I would do in your situation. Like you, I’m trying to think of what I would do to keep myself in control. However, I can’t help but still be concerned with the welfare of those going on around me. Not only concerned, but primarily concerned, even more so than I try to be now. It seems that the more calm, confident, and content that those around me are, the more I would be. How fulfilling would it be to help others achieve what you want, and achieve the same thing simultaneously?
Weak advice, I know. But that is what I would try! I mean, if I try to do that in safe situations, I’m not sure what would make me change in unsafe ones.
http://patienceloveandpleasure.blogspot.com/
13 Jennifer Jan 13, 2009
Thanks everyone for sending so much love to each other and to Rachel. It is what gives us meaning. Rachel, I’d love to gift you with the Virtual Retreat if you would just email me. jen@jenniferlouden.com – you can always listen later!
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