Previously published 2 years ago.

My dad died two four years ago today.

I miss him every most every day. I achingly, desperately, want to hug him again. What I would give for one moment with him! To lay my head on his chest, hear him call out  (I can’t write the actual sound he made, somewhere between hello and a happy bellow) when I came over to visit, to see him with Lilly again (especially the time he let her paint his toenails).

Oh this happy weird ache. Happy because I love thinking about him and weird because it’s so terribly tangible as if I could, if I just concentrated hard enough, get him back.

But this is not a post about loss, this is a post about courage or how my mom overcame (overcomes) her fear.

My Dad fell in love with the back of my mom’s neck

Which was the first thing he saw at the party where they met. My  mom was a true beauty. Heck, at almost 75 she still is – Molly Gordon calls her the “Barbie for the over 70 set.” Which is not to say  my mom isn’t smart – she is. But smart was not encouraged in her family – her Dad would not let her skip two grades when her teacher recommended it– or in women growing up in southern Indiana in the 40′s.

Beauty, on the other hand, was. Her beauty and aliveness so captured my dad’s heart he pursued her for two years even though she was, gulp, married to her first husband and he had been married three times (twice to the same woman, so is that kinda of 1 1/2 times?).

Fast forward 45 years

Dad died just a month short of my parent’s 45th wedding anniversary. During their life together, my dad treated my mom like a beautiful queen – it’s a cliche, but he did. He made the money. He made the big decisions. He even pumped the gas.

Dad was born in 1919 – a very different generation. He adored my mom and in his mind that meant sheltering her. The biggest fight I ever had with him was when my mom wanted to go to work – she hadn’t worked since they were married – and he said no, “I want you available when I want to be with you, not off working in some store.”

Did I mention Dad was born in 1919?

Our family’s big fear

My mom is 16 years younger than my Dad. He was 43 when I was born, unusual in the 60′s. Somehow, my dad’s age became a background story of fear. He would die and sooner than we wanted him to.  He was the youngest of his large family and one by one, his brothers died of heart disease.

As my parent’s aged, they became connected at the hip, and my sister and I began to fear my mom would never survive his passing.But health scare after health scare, he survived.

And then he didn’t.

And my mom was very, very alone.

A few months later, her best friend died very suddenly, the friend my sister and I always thought she would pal around with when dad was gone.

And a few months after that, I was suddenly going through an unexpected divorce and good for nothing much more than crying and sitting on the couch.

What did my mom do?

My mom who had never pumped gas before,  my mom who had never banked on-line before, my mom who had never sold or bought a house before, nor negotiated with people who you hire to fix things, who hadn’t traveled alone in 40 years, who had few friends because they had moved 4000 miles to live near me and Lilly, and then Dad got sick and she had nursed him, blossomed.

Oh there were plenty of nights of crying and plenty of days in which she could barely get out of bed and she got depressed and medication helped, and still, she took her fear of being alone, of being overly dependent on us kids, of being taken advantage, of not having a reason to live, she took those fears by the hand and used them to make a inspiring, full, new life. Specifically she:

• Connected – she let help in like never before. My dad was a big believer in going it alone. He loved to help others but didn’t like to be beholden. My mom joined a grief support group two weeks after dad died. Then a church. She plugged right into her neighborhood even though most of her friends there were my age.
• Put one foot in front of the other – no big plans. Do the next thing. And then the next.
• Gave herself lots of pats on the back -  she’s proud of herself and she takes compliments when other people tell her how courageous she is. Leave her a pat on the back in the comment section and I’ll pass it on.
• Lots of going to bed early to bed and watching old movies — comfort without guilt, even shadow comforts when need be. Healthy distractions more often, just getting in the car and doing little errands to be in motion.
• Did a fair amount of bootstrap pulling – this needs to be done so go do it. There is comfort in getting things done and not letting the grieving own you.
• Talked to my dad – out loud. Many times a day. When she needs some courage. When she’s proud of herself. Probably when I bug her.
• Threw the occasional pity party – another word for pity is compassion. We can stay stuck in grief and fear so much longer when we refuse to admit that this sucks.
• Created systems to help her feel safe – she figured out how much money she could safely spend per month, she checks with me before big decisions, she stuck with her support group, she got a little therapy, she has good money advice, she relies on my sweetheart and my sister’s sweetheart for guy input.

I’m sure there are many more things my mom has been doing that I don’t know about. She has become fiercely independent in her new life. And while she is often very afraid, she isn’t stopping. She is HUGELY BRAVE and a big inspiration to me.

I’ll be thinking of my dad all day today, remembering all the sweetness, all the love, all the truth-telling (one of my favorite things about my dad – called it like it was), all the growing up in the country stories, all the self-made man stories, and all the love he had for me and my mom.

Go now, love somebody.

It was very cool to get to talk about what I’m doing for myself these days – and although a bit rough on the ego to see those wrinkles up close and personal, overall, a lovely little video romp.

I thought I’d share it with you!

[See post to watch Flash video]

I also wrote a little article to accompany the video – more about fear. That’s here!

Come see me in person at Kripalu in early April – these retreats are so luscious, deep, wide, and lasting. Come!

What I loved about our conversation was getting to talk about fear openly. I feel like I’ve come out of the closet about fear and like someone who just stopped smoking or discovered they love fruitcake, I want to tell everybody I can what I’m learning about fear.

Here are a few highlights from our conversation:

• Shame and fear are linked; we can feel ashamed for feeling afraid because we should only be happy and grateful, especially if we have done a lot of inner work or have a roof over our heads. It can be very hard to admit we are afraid.
• We can feel we are doing something wrong if we feel fear or anxiety. If we just ate better, meditated more, trusted in the Universe more, had invested more wisely, we wouldn’t feel this way
• While we are each afraid of different things (money, illness, aging parents, getting our creative businesses off the ground, finding love), we all need the same thing: a way to access, to source, calm and comfort, that is not dependent on what is happening in our lives. We each get to that source comfort in different ways but we all have the capacity to experience comfort no matter what.
• While it imperative to let yourself realize and feel you are afraid without pushing it away, it’s equally vital to  remember that you are the queen / king of your life; You are the one who gets to choose. Fear does not have to impress you nor does it automatically get to run your life.
• Letting yourself be afraid without running a big story about how bad you are for being afraid or how you will always feel this way or if just this was different, you wouldn’t be afraid, prolongs the ick.

I’m working away on the Comfort Summit and the new membership site… today had the idea to turn the Summit into more of a four day retreat… more comforting and safe feeling, me thinks.

Back at it!  Love love love!

That is progress, dear sweetie Jen, that is progress. Big pat on heart.

And On to the List Thing

I’ve got a thrilling announcement (okay thrilling to me, hopefully to you, too) and it’s a direct result of all my writing and reading and thinking about fear and uncertainty this last six weeks and all these blog posts.  I’m working on an audio series and e-book and maybe a virtual retreat.

It’s all about helping ease and be with and not be stopped by fear and uncertainty, and I got waylaid for the last two weeks by this groovy project:

Comfort Summit 2009: How to Find Courage and Success When Uncertain Times Make You Afraid

(This is the big fat hairy goal I was talking about earlier.)
It’s a virtual summit of the world’s best self-care and self-acceptance experts (and really, I mean the world’s best), an online comfort-fest conference slated for early January – and it’s going to give you the targeted wisdom you need now to stay aware and awake and even (is it possible?) (yes it is!) thrive in these  uncertain times.  This is a once-in-a-life time opportunity to learn the most beneficial and effective methods, insights and ideas from my friends and colleagues–each expert selected because they can give you right now exactly what you need to dissolve fear and embrace change.

Best-selling authors like Geneen Roth, Barbara Sher, destuckfication expert Havi Brooks, effortless success coach Michael Neill, master coach and interfaith minister Laura Berman Fortgang, and great work guru Michael Bungay Stainer are on board for a fantastic event that’s is aimed at giving you the tools, the inspiration and the support to navigate these uncertain times so you can be part of the positive change we each crave.

It’s going to be as incredible as it is affordable.

And as a heart-felt thank-you to you for reading my blog, I’m going to offer a big fat discount when we start taking registrations to everyone on my Preferred Subscriber list.  If saving money on this life-changing, fun, comforting event interests you, then please sign up for the Preferred Subscriber list below so you’ll be able to get the limited-time discount.

Sign up here - just takes a minute.
And if you already signed up on this blog for a special list, we’ll transfer your name for you. And if you aren’t sure you did, then go sign up. Just to be sure.

I love you!