As you may know already, I’m just back from a fabulous, soul-rejuvenating, mother-daughter connecting spa retreat. Being the natural teacher and learner that I am, I have a few tips for your next mother-daughter trip, or girls’ weekend, or family vacation!

1. Set a Budget and Adjust by Heart

The spa Lillian and I went to offers a lot of adventure excursions and cool health services, which could have quickly added up to a whole lot more money on top of our already not-inexpensive tab. I wanted to be prudent, and yet not let my discomfort with spending money get in our way, so I kept pausing and checking in with my heart to see if I was being fearfully cheap vs. fiscally prudent. I dropped inside myself, breathed and asked, “Is this something we would really benefit from experiencing together?” As a result, I was able to let go of the guilt and striving to have the perfect vacation, and relax into what we were doing.

2. Confer about Expectations

I told Lilly that part of what would make the trip grand for me was if she hiked with me one morning and we unplugged – no email, Facebook or TV during the day. I asked her what she wanted to be sure we did – or didn’t do. It’s so much easier to nurture yourself and enjoy each other if you take time to get clear about what would satisfy you AND discuss that AHEAD of time!  (I can’t wait to share with you some powerful ways to do that in an upcoming little surprise I’m working on)  Sure, it can be awkward to talk about this ahead of time but the benefits are ginormous.

3. Listen to the Soft Animal of Your Body

On vacation (okay, in life) I err on the side of too much, in an attempt to suck the marrow out of each moment, while Lillian likes to do less, relax more. What we both did was listen to our sweet bodies. When we wanted to nap, we napped. When we wanted to bike ride, we rode. When she needed to nap and I didn’t, I went for a bike ride alone (and had a wonderful epiphany that is part of my new project/surprise mentioned above… stay tuned!). We kept letting our bodies speak to us, and letting what they said be perfectly okay.  Let your body come along on your next retreat or vacation.

4. Trust What is Bigger to Do the Nurturing for You

I find God in nature. I find meaning in nature. I find just about everything I truly need in nature. The first day at the spa, I found myself silently fretting that Lillian wouldn’t connect with the beauty of the canyons, that instead she would spend too much time inside, that I should have made her hike more as a kid… and then, we went for an afternoon bike ride. The canyon’s colossal march of eons unfolded on either side of us, the striations of white and red, the frisky spring breeze… And I had to laugh at myself. Nature doesn’t need me to do anything. Sure enough, I looked over at Lillian and she was completely rapt. How could something larger than you – love, fun, putt-putt golf – take over the work for you?

5. Give Over to Fun

In the past, my worry over spending money on fun has tarnished too many lovely moments. Be prudent, be creative, and know it has nothing to do with how much you spend or where you go, but how present you let yourself be.

As I mentioned in this week’s newsletter, let’s remember it’s the connection that matters.

Tell me what you do to help your shared adventures be more fun and more meaningful.

P.S. The spa we went to is Red Mountain Spa in St. George. I recommend it!  Tell them I sent you.

When you are caught up in fear about a situation what happens to your body? It goes into flight or fight syndrome. Anxiety sets in, stomach goes into a knot, palms are sweaty and we would rather be anywhere but in that place. This is a time when we really need to be taking care of ourselves.

Start with a deep breath. You know we take breathing for granted, but in fear, we hold our breath, or we breathe very shallow. So start with a long slow inhalation, hold it and then let it go…..slowly. Do this three times. It calms the mind and lets the blood flow through your veins again.

When you make a mistake, this is a great opportunity to congratulate yourself on having the opportunity to make another choice. I like to use the word ‘Next’ when I’m confronted with a mistake or a failure.

I also like to say I’m failing my way to success.

It’s life’s way of letting you know you need more information, and if you’re smart, you don’t have to be told twice. However, if you do make the same mistake twice, then you can relax and have some compassion for yourself.

Treat yourself as if you were your own best friend and instead of berating yourself, ask what you could have done differently. Forgive the mistakes. We all make them. It’s what being human is all about.

What I’ve learned over a lifetime of making mistakes is to ask for forgiveness and move on. When we get hung up in the hamster cage of self-incrimination, endless what if’s and guilt, the only person we’re serving is the gremlin in your mind. Tell yourself ‘you’re sorry’ and move on. Ask forgiveness of those whose lives you’ve impacted if necessary, and move on.

Being your worst enemy is easy. Being your best friend demands compassion, love and forgiveness from you.

At the very least…..give yourself a bath and light a candle. It takes a load off, even if it’s only a band-aid on the problem.

Do take time for you. Self-care is self-love. When you learn how to love yourself, others will love you more for it.

You can sign up for a free Fearless Factor Report, and you can get your own copy of The Fearless Factor. For more information about Jacqueline and The Fearless Factor, visit Jacqueline’s YouTube channel.

Life Organizer Questions

What is one thing I’m afraid of these days?

Loss. It’s a feeling I’ve struggled with so much in the last four years, through the loss of my dad, my friend, my marriage. Is it a fear of more loss? No. It’s a fear of being swamped by the loss of confidence that came with these losses. The last few years undermined my sense of who I am and what I can do. I fear that undermining even as I have been actively freeing myself from it.  Wow, I didn’t know that. The power of mindful questions!

What is it (the fear) stopping me from doing?

When it’s sneaking around in me and I’m not aware of it, it stops me from trusting myself and creating from a place of real honesty and truth.  I careen between too many ideas and believing I am burned out and have nothing new to say. I start comparing myself to others and feeling awful.

If I were somebody who could do _________ (whatever the fear is stopping me from doing), what would I be able to do?

I am often this somebody – so I will listen to this somebody – she is wise! She knows to resource (we do this at the Comfort Cafe and it simply means tuning in to something larger than your own mind / fear /thoughts and drawing strength); I know to remember I am innately good and there is nothing to prove or improve; To bring my energy home and ground myself; to listen for the thoughts that are fomenting and remember there are parts of myself that are afraid and they don’t get to run the show.

Now that I see what I could do, what do I choose to do this week?

I choose to write my novel from a place of soul connection rather than “what would be a good story?” I choose to go on this trip to Alaska this week with my sister and mom in a mood of gratitude and curiosity. I choose life!

Give yourself a few minutes to check in and see if fear is showing up in your life. Awareness of what fear is up to is so incredibly important!

I hope these questions bring choice and courage into your week.

As always, I love hearing what you are up to!

My fifteen year old daughter Lillian is on her first big trip, attending a language immersion and service adventure in Mexico. We’ve only been apart this long once before, when I was in Germany for a book tour but she was home with her Dad and I was away; a completely different experience for me.

I know this is simply another pang in the blossoming of my baby into the big good world and

Who knew it would hurt so much?

This morning the phone rang and I heard her sweet voice saying, “Mommy?” and then sobs.

Lilly sobbing a thousand miles away. Me standing at my kitchen counter, muscles tensed, as if I could somehow get to her, somehow leap to her side.

For a few seconds, I actually thought I could. Somehow. Get there.

Turns out she’s sick, the classic fever and stomach upset. One of her teachers got on the phone to explain she isn’t very ill, she has been to the doctor for antibiotics, and she’s in good spirits.

Lilly got back on and said, in this tiny voice, “I just didn’t know I missed you so much.”

Oh sweetie.

Didn’t I write just yesterday about dropping my story and leaning into the present moment, without anything between me and life?

What was I thinking?

But I did it.

I took deep breaths and comforted her while part of me kept opening to the anguish and the strange joy of loving someone so much. The terrible pain we have all felt when someone you would die for is ill and there is nothing you can do.

Letting that crack me open.

Breathe, Jen, breathe.

What is love but a constant opening and letting go? Standing on the rushing waterfall edge of life, wanting to hold on to that water, wanting to control that flow, all the while knowing it is going to keep rushing by, and why not let it?

At The Comfort Cafe

One of our newer members, Crowsfoxes, posted this wonderful tidbit that I went back to read after Lilly’s call (after a good cry and a hug from Bob):

I found a very interesting article written by T. Thorn Coyle, a priestess of the Feri tradition.  She writes about the line from the Koran “Which of God’s favors will I refuse today?”

I’ve thought about this quote so often since Crowsfoxes shared it. It’s helped me notice how often (as in a hundred times a day? An  hour?) I turn away or dismiss the beneficence offered me by life. After Lilly’s call, I thought, “God’s favor to me is feeling this much love. Focus on that, how totally completely utterly graced am I to be this kid’s mom and feel this.”

And if I need chocolate later, to put a little ground under my being, so be it.

What favor will you open to today? What about right now?