I’m writing from a hotel room outside Chicago. I’m here for a photo shoot for Spring Air Mattress, a company I’m partnering with to get out the message that comfort and self-care is the foundation to create a life you love. In the past, I would have thought myself crash and less than "spiritual" for creating this kind of partnership but the person I am today is very grateful for any opportunity to talk about self-care because I really see how revolutionary it is. So at first I’ll be talking just to the salespeople about why comfort is important for women so they understand and then creating a video and booklet for women to see / read in the stores when they buy a new mattress. It feels fun and hopeful.
Which is certainly not how I felt yesterday. Exhausted, short tempered, angry, petty, and judgmental would be more accurate descriptors. After Dad’s last fall and trip to the emergency room, we convinced Mom it’s time to get someone to come in a few nights a week so she can go to another bedroom and get a complete and deep night’s rest. You see, Dad gets up and tries to go to the bathroom without waking her and falls… Mom and Dad agreed, I arranged for an agency to come out and meet them… everything agreed on, cost discussed, feeling good… I go home, the phone rings, it’s my sister. Mom has just called her and said Dad doesn’t want anyone staying with him at night, would she be willing to come out for a month and do it?
I just about flipped. It’s not Dad, it’s Mom and it’s the age old dance of enmeshment and Mom not being able to claim what she feels… I’m proud to say I quickly realized all I can do for now is step back and so I gently told Mom, when she called later to see what I thought of "Michele’s idea" that it was between she and Michele and that even if Michele did come, after that month, Mom would still need to get help. For Mom to get help means Mom is a separate person who will go on without Dad, and she can’t quite grasp that yet. It took me hours to feel how sad that makes me… and to feel compassion – which is still, honestly, a bit distant.
And then Lilly found out she failed her 1st math test and she’s was in tears and begging me not to leave and then the dog hid in the closet and lots more things happened I’m blanking on…
And you know what? Accepting what is and how I feel – and then tuning into my heart and feeling love for yourself and others – it works. I’m okay. Sad, sad, sad and pissed off and okay.
So here I am, polishing my toenails and thinking about:
Having what you want – for my last radio show today I interviewed the amazing Micheal Neill
and we talked about things like, (Micheal) "It turns out that in most cases, it’s easier to get what you really want than what you think you can get. I call that ‘the power of ‘Wow!’, and it’s a bizarre idea for most people to get their head around because it runs counter to so many of the ideas that are put forward in the classic ‘success’ literature.
In fact, your goals may actually be in the way of your having what you want. By setting goals based on what you think you can have instead of what you really want, you wind up without the inspiration necessary to fuel your journey. But when you begin to navigate by joy and follow your own wanting, things seem to happen according to a different set of rules. All sorts of things happen to help you on your way that you could never have predicted when you got started."
I’m thinking about how this morning, when I had a few minutes, I made a painting, or started one, and how happy that made me.
I’m thinking about the books I’m reading:
Reading Like A Writer – I want to learn to read more slowly and savoringly
The End of Faith – I’m always working to balance my own love of spirit with my love of rationalism
Veronica – loved Two Girls Fat and Thin so decided to take this one for a ride.
I’ve been having a hard time sticking with books so I’m wanting to slow dive and dive deeper.
Many more thoughts flitting here and there but time for bed. Lilly called me five times tonight and wanted to keep the phone on between us all night. She’s with a babysitter for the first time ever (that is, at night without either Chris or I there) and she’s a little freaked out. But that’s okay.
5 responses so far ↓
1 Julie Sep 24, 2006
Hugs to you, Jen, especially since I won’t see you ’round the block in the morning tomorrow.
“Accepting what is and how I feel – and then tuning into my heart and feeling love for yourself and others – it works” – I love this sentence, and I am working on this myself. Thanks for encouraging and inspiring me…
2 Linda S. Williams Sep 26, 2006
WOW is right… It’s easier to get what you want than what you think you can get…. goals get in the way! HOW TRUE! But how do you discover what it is you really want in the maze of shoulds and have to’s ???? I’m 62 years young and still looking for what I want my life to me. I’ve lived a good life, I’ve helped lots of people through my workshops… but I haven’t done what I really want to do because I’m just not certain what it is… but I can feel it out there calling to me!!
I’ve been involved with your postings these last months, Jen. It brings back bittersweet memories of when my Dad passed. You are so fortunate in many ways that you are there to be with him. My Dad was in Florida and I was in Pennsylvania. I had a very special visit with him a couple of weeks before he passed. I hold the memory of that close in my heart and bring it out when I want to feel close to him. And what’s extra special is that I feel him around me so often. In some ways I visit with him more now than I did when he was alive. But it’s alright to feel sad, Jen. We are still humans without a clear understanding of the spirit. And I miss being able to hug him!
God Bless
LINDA
3 Marisa Sep 26, 2006
I am blown away by that statement “it’s easier to get what you really want than what you think you can get”. It is so true. I haven’t ever had a name for it before, never had a way of saying it. It also sheds some light on some of the resentment and tension between me and my mother, who doesn’t understand why she thinks that “I feel like I am too good for things”. It is not that I feel that I am too good, I feel like I am good enough and I deserve what I really want, not just what might be good enough to make do. I have made some choices that nuture my creativity alone, not necessarily look good on paper or for bragging rights for her and my dad. My life is turning out better than I could ever have expected. I think that self care has a lot to do with it. If you are taking care to listen to what you really need and want, you realize your own worth. That is the only way that I can say it. I hope it makes sense.
4 Victoria Sep 27, 2006
Exactly the thing I needed to read! “Goals get in the way etc.” I’ve desparately been trying to explain to someone that if I hear the phrase “What 1 thing can I do today to change my life?” that I will commit mayhem! That phrase has gotten to be such a jingoistic pile of “settling for less” that I can’t stand it!
It’s a great big “should” club that bludgeon ourselves with until we are too depressed and self-loathing to crawl out of the middle of the road.
I’ve been bashing me head against the wall trying to figure out why I can’t get out of my own way and just “follow my goal plan”. Perhaps the “Goal Plan” is in the way! Maybe I need to just ask “What do I want?” and then say “Ok now I’m gonna go get it.” None of this “todo listing” myself right out of any type of change at all.
Thanks Jenn!
5 Christine Kane Sep 29, 2006
I’m just echoing everyone else’s comments. I got tears in my eyes as I read this. (But first off, WOW! congratulations on the mattress thing. I think that’s fabulous! And not at all out of alignment with spiritual paths, etc. Just a great bonus to what you already do.)
I’ve been a songwriter and performer for 13 years and I’m at this point where all of my desires are shifting and are no longer what I used to want. Everytime I try to hype myself up and make a GOAL (as Tony Robbins is shouting at me in my head) it feels flat. And I end up asking myself what is wrong with me because this has always been what I love to do and do it well. And yet, as I allow things to unfold, I’m getting strange new offers from other directions which feel deep and good. But I get scared at times of how boring goals are to me now!
Anyway, thanks. It was nice to get teary and smile at how similar paths can be! (Lily is such a great name by the way.)