Choose Your Life Monday is an invitation to name what pattern you will lovingly notice this week and to do so in community. Join in when and however suits you.
lovingly pay attention to when I am second guessing, over working or otherwise prevaricating
I will lovingly look for the thought – which comes in many shapes and flavors – that what I’m doing isn’t important enough.
I’ve been a significance spotter all week.
I became terrifyingly, achingly aware of how strong this pattern of significance is and how it’s tied to this other pattern of “I’m so utterly freaked out about not being able to make this presentation the greatest ever experienced in the history of presentations, I just want to get it done so I don’t have to feel anxious about it anymore.”
This pattern sometimes means I end up doing not so great a job. I lose my creativity and my own voice in the pursuit of just getting it done.
The result of not doing such a great job fuels my story I’m a stupid loser and that starts another cycle of “If I could just be like X (whomever I’ve deemed smart and talented that day) then I would be finally significant and I would feel safe.”
I get it now!
Significance = safety in my mind.
Now that is wild. How the hell did I come up with that one?
Because what the labyrinth of significance actually = is anxiety. Crazy making comparisons. Losing touch with my heart. Moving away from trusting myself into the never ending void of not enough.
Significance = anything but safety.
I’m attending a retreat with Pema Chodron this coming weekend in Seattle and I’m sure being steeped in her teachings, plus spending time with wise friends who are coming from out of town, will give me new ways to lean into this pattern, as Ani Pema often says.
And what will I lovingly pay attention to this week?
My thought pattern that I need to just get it done, that I will feel more peaceful and safe when it’s done.
Instead, I will pause and resource (shorthand for drawing on, being fed, by into something larger than me, myself, and I) and I will repeat my new mantra “I am resourceful and it’s not all up to me.”
Resource and be resourced.
Ah… I know it’s going to be challenging. I can feel the story trying to morph into some new version that can resnare me. I won’t get caught there because I’m not trying to change myself; simply loving watch my story.
What will you notice?