Choose Your Life Monday is an invitation to name what pattern you will lovingly notice this week and to do so in community. Of course, you can do it any day you want- you don’t have to start on Monday. Join in when and whenever suits you.
Last week I declared I would
lovingly be a student of my snarl.
Um, that wasn’t so fun.
As in I’m here again? Heart sinks. I’m making things harder than they need to be again?
I’m struggling with structure and support again?
And… it was truly enlightening. As in bringing light to my being.
My friend Molly Gordon calls the things we do that get in our way signature preoccupations.
Signature preoccupation = a pattern we do again and again
A blind spot
Something that trips us up and we say heart sinking, “Not you again!”
One of mine is making things more complicated than they need to be and thus not serving the people who come to me as fully as I could.
And tiring myself out in the not-serving-so-well process.
One of the gifts of being with the same group of people for years -
most recently that’s been my brain trust (Molly Gordon, Eric Klein, Mark Silver and Michael Bungay Stainer) and before that my women’s group in Santa Barbara -
is getting to see their signature preoccupations, up close and in furious action over time.
“Oh he’s doing that again! Wow. Can’t he see he’s doing that?”
The answer to that would be no.We can’t see. We need outside eyes and helpful, kind ways to see.
That’s why we need learning adventures and coaches and therapists and brain trusts and women’s groups and processes.
What’s also been a gift – although many days it feels more like a kick in the gut -
is having my signature preoccupations witnessed over time.
Now you could, and you would if you were me, might be tempted to get all victim-y right about now, to put your wrist to your forehead and swooningly moan, “But change is so hard!”
True.
It is not for the weak of heart, this inner-change paying-attention business. It is not for the rigid, the unable to laugh at themselves, or the unable to look in the mirror and smile ruefully at what they see.
And here is what I know – not believe – know:
When you are willing to pay attention to things over time, they do change.
Yes, over time may well mean your life time.
So? You’re going to live anyway. Do you want to live conscious and aware or do you want to live afraid and ignorant?
Do you want to hug yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep engaging with your patterns or do you want to swoon and be a victim?
No, don’t pick up a cudgel when you pick up your pattern.
Pick up your pattern, your “Oh my gosh, I’m doing that again?” with the same tenderness you would a baby who was wailing and needing some love.
As you would a friend who keeps doing the same thing that makes her miserable and you see what she does but she can’t, not yet.
You don’t love her any less.
Actually, you love her more.
I want to say that how you engage with your stuff is something I am very, very passionate about and is a reason I created the Comfort Cafe because how you engage can be productive and life changing or frustrating and then more frustrating. Whatever you do to see and change your patterns, do it with as much love for yourself as you can. Even a wink of self-love, a passing angel wing blessing of tenderness, a shrug instead of a face slap, helps enormously.
As you have probably already guessed, I’m sticking to my signature preoccupation:
This week I will lovingly be a student of my snarl.
My heaviness, my making things difficult-ness.
I may also be a student of my impatience, which is an intimate friend of my snarl. They may even be colluding. And even if they are, they are part of me and I will lovingly notice their antics this week.
I did notice last week how much my hormone surges and changes increase my snarled-ness.
I noticed I’m getting much better at stepping away from things and letting them settle instead of wringing my hands and making a big “this will always be this way and I am screwed” story.
And I’m super-extra-duper proud of myself for changing this month’s theme at the Comfort Cafe from Discerning What Matters to Discovering What Nurtures You and then when I explored that, chunking it down even further to Resourcing.
Resourcing is drawing on something larger than yourself. Often.
I made it more simple and understandable instead of more complex.
YES!
A good example of how lovingly paying attention to our patterns yields small miracles.
What will you pay attention to this week? What will you lovingly miracle-ize? I’d love to hear!
Related posts:
14 responses so far ↓
1 Joely Black Mar 2, 2009
This week I’m going to be a loving student of my strange narrow-mindedness over one particular thing.
It’s been baffling me for ages that while I can be so limitless over many things, one preoccupation has kept me battling for the last two years.
I realised this morning it wasn’t the goal that upset me so much, it was the process of getting there. And because it had begun years ago, and I’ve been so convinced there’s only one way to do it, I’ve actually been so upset by the process, so hurt and so battered, that it didn’t seem worth it to even pursue it.
This is a revelation. This week, in the spirit of choosing my own life, I’m giving up on that process. It’s terrifying because part of me still believes There’s Only One Way. I’m not giving up the goal and the ambition, but I’m being a student of my narrowness and limitedness about this, and eventually, this will lead to a new path, and hopefully openness.
Joely Black’s last blog post..Monthly check-in: February – the “how much change can you handle” edition
2 Jennifer Mar 2, 2009
Wow Joely, this sounds fascinating! I resonate so much with this… how to be open and focused at the same time. How to want what I want and not get all snarly and uptight and “one way” about it.
Want to write a guest post about it?
3 Kat Mar 2, 2009
In support of becoming a “grown up” in all areas of my life, I will lovingly pay attention to when I act like a child.
I finally had time to listen to the wisdom cast of Maureen Murdock last night – while I was baking bread and listening to the wind howl and watching it snow sideways – a perfect setting. She spoke of how we are always seeking approval from outside – which also translates to relating in a less than mature, powerless way with those outside sources – true at least for me, the Amazon, armored daughter of an Amazon armored queen. And how we project on to these outside sources our need for punishment when we perceive we’ve failed.
So this morning, I tell my boss that I will not come into the office today and she responds in her usual, superior way, “if I can get in, I don’t know why a measly 8″ of snow keeps anyone else from doing the same.” Notwithstanding that we live in an area that has not seen more than an inch of snow in many years and it is far more productive for me to work from home that spend 3 hours on the road risking injury.
My first thought was pretty ugly and pitiful, how unfair, doesn’t value me, no thought for my welfare, etc… And then it hit me, I was reacting like a child to a parent – and my intention for the week was born – observe when the child comes out, what she is like and listen to what she needs. Maybe, I can then step back and shift into a place of power.
4 Joely Black Mar 2, 2009
@Jennifer – I would love to write a guest post about it! I’d be honoured, in fact.
Joely Black’s last blog post..This is a slightly unusual business model for coaching (my services)
5 Marisa Mar 2, 2009
Not sure how this fits into the theme, but I am observing when I “self medicate” and distract myself. Yes, the news is important, but do I turn it on only because I don’t know what I need next, or do I know what I need and I just don’t listen?
6 Julie Jordan Scott Mar 2, 2009
I am going to purposefully not be the life of the party.
It is exhausting to be the life of the party all the time.
I love it, most of the time, but have so much to attend to on my own, I am not willing to go there this week.
So, there you have it.
Right now, this week, I won’t be the life of the party constantly AND I will notice when I feel guilty about it and blow the guilt away, as if blowing the guilt a kiss.
Julie Jordan Scott’s last blog post..Help Us Solve… The Mystery of the Yellow Ribbon
7 Dana Mar 2, 2009
Jen, you have a bird’s eye view of my snarly-ness, and Joely, I decided to give up the very same thing today when I was given ANOTHER clue that it isn’t the ONLY way to get where I want to get. Aaaannnd, I’m not even sure now WHERE I want to get… exactly. Here’s where I usually get frustrated and say… things will never change, I’ve made so many mistakes, I’m not doing enough, I should do more, I should know how to do this, I should be able to fix this, I’ll never get anywhere with this. But I’m not doing that. I’m paying attention and giving myself a little nod, and a little time to process, and the thought that I will center myself again. And as I do these things, I notice that nothing feels too terribly wrong. That’s a nice vibe to latch onto.
8 Dawn Mar 3, 2009
@Kat, thanks for mentioning your “real life” experience with reacting to someone else’s issues – which is often what I find is the case for me — it’s *their* issue that I take on. I’m very sensitive, so it’s challenging to balance being in tune with others while letting certain things (that often injure) bounce right back off me. I guess it all comes down to boundaries.
This week, as I’m doing a preliminary job search (baby steps), I’ll notice when I despair and feel like I am not good enough, don’t have the right skill set, am never going to get a “real” job now that I’m almost done w/grad school. Perhaps I’ll even take action by working on my resume, which will encourage me to craft my skills into desirable qualities!
9 Rachel Mar 3, 2009
Thank you, Jennifer, for writing this blog post. It spoke to be so deeply, and at just the right moment. I always beat myself up for falling back into old ways, and needing to be reminded by those who love me that I’m “doing that again.” I feel like I should just KNOW, and just DO the right thing. I mean, once you know something isn’t right or healthy, why should you need to be told twice? Apparently, you do, I do…
This week, I’m going to be the loving student of my tendency to push emotions away, instead of just feeling it and letting it pass through me.
10 Julie B Mar 4, 2009
Thank you Kat! – “observe when the child comes out, what she is like and listen to what she needs.” Wow, you mean, listen? She needs something? And here I am at 47 thinking I just had to shove her down and silence her… No wonder it hasn’t been working too well. My intention is to observe for her (maybe she’ll feel safe enough to show her face now, instead of constantly sabotaging me!) You mean she just wanted to be heard? Thank you, so much.
11 Kat Mar 5, 2009
Wow, I am so glad that observing my inner child resonated with some of you!
@Dawn – you are so right about it being their “stuff” and not ours – and for me, that is part of being a “grown up” and realizing that it’s not all about me. How’s the job search going?
@Julie B – thanks for reinforcing that connection to self-sabotage – an enormous issue for me. I didn’t even think about that when I wrote this. Of course little Kat hasn’t shown up a whole lot this week now that I’ve given her permission to come out…
12 Carolyn Mar 5, 2009
Jen,
Thank you once again for this post.
I relied on your book years ago to help me through a difficult time, but you know how you forget everything you learned the second time around?
Well, I forgot some of it, and so to stumble back upon your blog, and you on Twitter, and see all the links and resources to comfort has been wonderful.
This post really resonated with me, as I have been going through an awful hormonal time.
And just the reminder not to cudgel myself is so helpful!
I think my signature preoccupation is looking back, and secondarily, regret.
Instead of seeing what I have, or the opportunities in the future, when things change, or a major life issue occurs, I look longingly back and really mourn things that either didn’t happen or that did happen but have passed by(like children growing up, or having babies, or not having more babies, or whatever.)
To be honest, I found out yesterday that I’m suddenly postmenopausal. Suddenly feels like an era changer.
I want to embrace it and embrace the rest of my life (my grandmother lived to 105!) and think of all the fabulous women I know and admire.
but it brings up regrets and change, and so I want to learn to look at that without a sense of loss and with a sense of expectancy for hope.
And then stop beating myself up for feeling bad
as well!
Hope this wasn’t too long a post, but it helps to share!
13 Jennifer Mar 5, 2009
I’m gushing with love for you all… isn’t it thrilling to read each as we open and to learn from each other?
Rachel, I wrote this post because I hear that beating up thing happening – in me and over at the Cafe – and I needed a loving talking to – so share the love I say.
Carolyn, one of the tasks of mid-life is to let go to be reborn. I never knew it would be frickin hard! But it’s imperative we do it with love and tenderness or we can’t go on. And we must go on because we have so much fun ahead!
14 Choose Your Life Mondays - #15 » Comfort Queen Mar 9, 2009
[...] I moved deeper into my signature preoccupation of snarldom and impatience. My pattern of making things harder than they need [...]