Choose Your Life Monday is an invitation to name what pattern you will lovingly notice this week and to do so in community. Of course, you can do it any day you want- you don’t have to start on Monday. Join in when and whenever suits you.
I’ve been living somewhere solid and extraordinary light, spacious and dynamic, effortless and very creative.
One word for it could be the present.
Or reality.
Or in the flow (but that would be three words).
Whatever it’s called, it’s a very, very lovely place to live.
Little miracles happen here – like work arriving out of the blue and amazing dinner with people like Judith Orloff and all sorts of synchronicities that make me smile and feel so very taken care of.
And in this place, something else is happening.
My heart is crumbling.
While I hear this is a very good thing, a key part of the spiritual adventure, learning to be more compassionate and all that jazz, “heart breaking open” is certainly one of Pema’s favorite phrases and…
The actual experience? It’s a tad more painful.
Okay, a helluva a lot more painful.
Noticing the preciousness of life just about every friggin second is a lot to handle.
Knowing how quickly this life thing is over and how utterly non-negotiable death is a tad freaky.
Hugging my precious daughter after soccer today and knowing that, in what will feel like the blink of an eye, and in some ways is, she’ll be grown up and off on her own, is so piercing.
Watching my friend Howard Schiffer, founder of Vitamin Angels, speak last night, knowing how hard he works to save millions of kids from blindness and death, shatters me.
Yes, this heart crumbling is balanced by an effervescent lightness and this deep restful certainty that everything is okay no matter what and that is amazing, especially given how, not so very long ago, I was pretty much hogtied by fear and
the whole heart crumbling thing, I know from previous experience, comes in waves and won’t be this intense all the time and
it’s a lot. (And I wouldn’t have it any other way.)
Thank God for Resourcing
This month at the Comfort Cafe we’ve been playing with the concept of resourcing – the idea that you can always draw on, be fed by, by something larger than yourself and calling on that which is larger than you and letting it nurture you is essential self-nurturing.
A number of members wrote amazing things about what resourcing is for them and here is one I wanted to share:
Yesterday I was playing with the metaphor of the ocean, and the realization that we are all drops in that ocean- and that’s all I have to be- I can rest in that. As soon as I think I am supposed to be a very special drop in that ocean, or that I am the center of that ocean- that’s where dissatisfaction, agitation and even a bit of despair can take me over. Relaxing in my own smallness, my drop-in-the-oceanness, and being part of the ocean-ness, that I am in it and it is in me, and being in awareness of that feels really liberating and at the same time energizing.”
Ingrid – thank you!
I don’t keep talking about the Comfort Cafe because I’m pushing you to join – that would be so not my intent but part of what is calibrating me to live in the sweet flowing spot is the little daily moments and bits of ideas and the conversation we are having at the Cafe.
it’s having a community to learn with and a container to learn in.
Which is not a new idea – that’s what churches and temples and sanghas have been providing for thousands of years – and yet seeing it in action is so very cool.
Lots of other things are helping me be here, too: meditation and Dance of Shiva and being in love and doing more yoga and getting more support in my business and…
This post is getting far too long and I haven’t declared what pattern I will pay attention to this week!
Um….
Well…
Thinking here…. here it comes…
This week, I will lovingly notice each time I find myself out of the flow and when I do, I will resource myself.
Notice my breath breathing me, notice all that is around me supporting me, notice that feeling of my heart crumbling and that everything is utterly okay.
I will not do this in a mood of “got to get back to flow” or “oh shit, I’m all twitter-patted again and pushing and stressed, got to do something.”
Nope.
I’ll just notice and resource. And let the resourcing bring me into the present.
12 responses so far ↓
1 Beth Welch Mar 23, 2009
I will be aware as often as I think of it – all of the love and positive energy and light that comes to me at all times if I allow it. It brings tears to my eyes.
2 Ingrid Mar 23, 2009
Hi Jennifer, I’m so happy for you and your heart right now. Your joy this morning has given me joy. I love Pema Chodron’s books- I feel like I have learned so much about gentleness, tenderness, honesty, and loving-kindness from her. I bought myself The Pocket Pema Chodron last week, and read the whole thing yesterday. If I were stranded on an island- I’d love to have this book. I’ll return to it again and again. She talks so much of being friendly with ourselves, and accepting everything as it comes up; having patience, working with it. This week, I would like to be friendly with myself, and with everyone I meet, cultivating an appreciation for all, and knowing we’re all in this together. Love and Joy to you, Ingrid
Ingrid’s last blog post..The Sweet Joy of the Way – and Genpo Roshi’s Big Heart/Mind Process
3 Joely Black Mar 23, 2009
I find Pema Chodron an inspiration, and read her whenever I’m struggling.
Heart crumbling is something that has been happening to me, too. It hurts, but in a good way.
This week I’m noticing how I clamp down on myself to stop myself from moving forward, and how that generates fear and uncertainty. So far, so good.
Joely Black’s last blog post..The power of audacity (doing epic shit)
4 Kat Mar 23, 2009
I am noticing when I pick fights to distract myself from moving forward and because, well, everything is going really, really well right now…
5 Karen Talavera Mar 23, 2009
Hi Jen! I’m experiencing much the same, but am happier when busy and in flow. About the heart crumbling, when I feel it more intensely I remind myself to be “in this world but not of it”. That maxim helps me stay present rather than emotionally attached.
This week however, since some projects have wrapped and the busy-ness has lessened, I am noticing how I want to cocoon, relax and detach and how so often in that space fear, uncertainty and doubt creeps in. Unengaged constructively, my inner critic tries to talk me out of my dreams.
This week I will lovingly notice self-judgment, aspire to use lulls to practice patience, and in being patient recognize – and take – the opportunity for nurturing.
Didn’t Pema Chodron say “Patience is courage?” Couldn’t times that call for patience also be signals to nourish ourselves?
6 Karen Mar 23, 2009
This is my prayer (by Rumi) that reminds me not to judge but to notice the times I fall away from my self …
Come, Come whoever you are,
Wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving,
It doesn’t matter.
Ours is not a caravan of despair.
Come, even if you have broken your vow
a thousand times.
Come, yet again, come, come.
I also like to think of taking the hand of my child self and gently leading her back, like I would gently lovingly talk to my daughter.
Oh and the heart breaking open – I felt like this right after my daughter came into our lives – I felt raw, but it wasn’t a bad feeling it was just that I was cracked open to everything – the good and the questionable or seemingly not good emotions. And I too learned how liberating it is to accept it all without judgment – simply observing what is happening in the present moment.
This week I will pay attention to my habit of reminding myself just how busy I am and forgetting to breathe and take one moment at a time.
7 Marisa Mar 23, 2009
This week, I am going to take notice of when I experience “heart crumbling”. It’s almost overwhelming to be aware, be RIGHT HERE all the time, for me at least. I tend to experience, feel and get scared so I will push all of that aside and instead, do something less authentic and meaningless, but safer. Last friday, I was driving home and caught in some traffic and I didn’t mind because I had great music to listen to and a caramel macchiato. My thought was “I am PERFECTLY content and happy in this moment” and then I burst into tears. I had been pushing aside something I needed to grieve, and sure enough, it bubbled right up at a time where I was mindful and in the moment, because it’s where I needed to be in the first place to get the work done that I needed to get done. I hope that this makes sense.
8 Jennifer Mar 23, 2009
Beth – love the image of you (and us all~) allowing the light to be – in us, around us, coming from us… yes!
Ingrid – when we feel less alone, when we connect, we are so much more able to overcome or dissolve fear and worry so here’s to many forms of pocket Pemas!
Joely – you, at least from here, appear to be in anything BUT clamp down mode. But I know that when things start to click and happen, it’s very normal to clamp down on the flow. I did that today!
Kat – what could you do that would be the opposite of picking a fight with yourself? What is the opposite? Hmm….
Karen – I can really see how patience could be an amazing edge for you, trusting that it is okay to be, that thinks won’t stop if you stop. Patience is courage.
Karen – thank you for the Rumi. I shall use that at Kripalu in April.
Marisa – totally makes sense. What you describe is what I notice in myself and also what I try to create in my retreats. A chance for women to stop and feel safe enough to “catch up” with themselves.. to feel the space to let what needs to be there come. Yeah for sobbing in the car.
BIG HUGS!!
9 Ingrid Mar 24, 2009
Hi Jennifer, there’s a lovely version of that Rumi poem, sung in a round, in the Unitarian Universalist hymnal. If you haven’t heard it or can’t find it, call me sometime, and I’ll sing it to you. xo, ing
Ingrid’s last blog post..The Sweet Joy of the Way – and Genpo Roshi’s Big Heart/Mind Process
10 betty Mar 28, 2009
Jennifer, thank you for sharing such raw words of fear, it helps to know you feel this way and that its okay for me to feel this way.
When I go on retreat I go to listen to the stories of the retreat leaders, yes, but I also go to work out the space in my own heart and what it is telling me. You are the tool – the facilitator – the animator which, as a word, literally means ‘to breathe life into a situation’. Your role is to give people the space to breathe and to figure things out for themselves, not to do their unfolding for them. remember and breathe, Happy retreat.
11 Carolyn Apr 2, 2009
I love the Rumi. It’s one of those moments where I felt sent here just at the right time.
My intention for the week is patient loving kindness. I’ve been struggling with my own fears this last year and the preciousness of life and am getting so impatient with myself for not being as present as I would want.
I think Rumi’s invitation for lovingkindness is beautiful.
So I will try holding myself with patience and kindness as I go through this difficult time.
Jennifer–thank you for sharing your humanness. In the midst of all the ways you inspire others…I hope you are heartened.
12 Viveca Apr 3, 2009
I love touching base here … always refreshing for my spirit.
I am listening to Mozart and contemplating a stack of work that is wiggling its way towards me … ahhhhh. Time to surrender and “git ‘er done.”
Have a happy weekend!
Viveca
Viveca’s last blog post..Poll Results — When Are You Most Tired?