Choose Your Life Monday is an invitation to name what pattern you will lovingly notice this week and to do so in community. Of course, you can do it any day you want- you don’t have to start on Monday. Join in when and whenever suits you.
Sheesh, what a week.
I went back to Santa Barbara for the first time since Chris and I split up.
Back to the place where our daughter was born, at home, in the hills above the Mission.
Back to the place where I was part of an amazing wide-hearted community of friends.
Back to the place where my parents lived nearby and helped us with Lilly, offering her so much love (and me time to write).
Back to the sun! The flowers. The scents. My beloved Rattlesnake Canyon.
Back to the past.
It was wonderful.
It was exhausting.
Mainly, what exhausted me was my resistance.
I resisted the beauty of my former home, as if loving it would make me wrong to have moved away.
I resisted the love of my friends by not making plans ahead of time, although I still got showered a lot (thank you Anna for your tender loving care).
I resisted the sadness (not entirely but a little) that washed over me in waves as I walked and drove past landmarks from my younger life and tiny memories pricked my heart.
I spent the first three days feeling tired, flat and fragile.
And I wasn’t very impressed by my mood. I didn’t like it but I didn’t believe it was permanent or a big deal.
I was kind to myself
I hiked up the canyon and sat with my back against Egg Rock, the sun on my face, swallowtail butterflies mating all around me, and realized I was in my resourcing visualization.
Slowly, the resistance melted a little and I was able to be there now.
As I am now.
A woman with an almost 15-year-old daughter who I am astounded by; a divorced woman; a woman who misses her life in Santa Barbara and loves her people there; a woman madly in love with a miracle of a man; a woman who is (and will forever be) inventing and reinventing her creative life.
Hmmm… feels good to write that.
My intention for last two weeks was:
I will lovingly notice each time I find myself out of the flow and when I do, I will resource myself.
Notice my breath breathing me, notice all that is around me supporting me, notice that feeling of my heart crumbling and that everything is utterly okay.
This was the perfect intention. It didn’t prevent the flailing and flatness but it did let me be with it; not as wholly and easily as I would have liked but so much more gently than I could have even two years ago.
So yeah!
This week, I will be preparing for my two retreats at Kripalu (there is still time to sign up!) and what I want to be lovingly aware of during the time leading up to and during my retreat is…
I am a conduit.
It’s not about being smart, having answers, or people liking me.
Forget about that old pattern, baby cakes.
Conduits need lots of care to be strong and supple and open so this week…
I will lovingly notice when I am forcing myself to work to get “ready” or when I am getting attached to my agenda for teaching or when I am wondering if I’m doing a “good job” and in these moments I just might relax and open to that which is present and wants to be presenced.
Which is a long-winded fancy-pants way of saying I will get out of the way.
With pleasure.
With lightness.
With wonder.
Hopefully. Most of the time.
What about you? What will you lovingly notice this week? I hope you will share!
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18 responses so far ↓
1 Joely Black Apr 6, 2009
Such a beautiful entry, Jen! I so wish I could be there at the retreat and I’m sending lots of positive vibes that it goes brilliantly.
As far as noticing my own patterns, this week I’m lovingly noticing my fear. I’ve had some profound transformations in the past four days, and it’s difficult to come up with patterns anymore.
However, I want to lovingly notice my fear. Just to accept it. I’ve lived my whole life in fear – terrible, aching fear – and I’d like to give it some loving space.
I hope you have a wonderful week.
J xx
Joely Black’s last blog post..In the world after fixing
2 Rachel Apr 6, 2009
That sounds like a wonderful intention, Jennifer. And can I just say that you do not have to *try* to connect and inspire people on your retreat… you’re the type of person where just being with you, hearing with your thoughts, it changes you… there is a safety you radiate. You really *don’t* have to try…
For my intention this week, as part of my intention for the month, it’s to notice what it’s like to listen to my muse and inspiration, to feel in my body how it affects me, instead of my usual habit of not listening and telling the muse, “Come back later.”
3 Hope Apr 6, 2009
This week I will lovingly notice what I desire, and the difference between what I desire, and what I think I “should” desire.
And thank you for a wonderful blog!
Hope’s last blog post..null
4 Hiro Boga Apr 6, 2009
Wow, Jen, thank you for this tender and open-hearted post. It took me into your resourcing with you.
My intention this week is to rest, and to keep returning to the Divine for nourishment, each time I feel depleted or tired or in pain. To fill my well from the Source.
Much love to you as you go into your retreats at Kripalu. May they bring you and your students great blessing.
Hiro
Hiro Boga’s last blog post..Creative Connection: Where’s Your Muse When the Baby’s Spitting Up at 3 am?
5 Mark Silver Apr 6, 2009
Wow. thank you. I so connect with that bittersweet memory of a younger life.
This week I will ask for the help of my heart in gently and lovingly noticing my relationship to food and eating.
Mark Silver’s last blog post..Remember to Include Time Into the Equation
6 Nathalie Lussier Apr 6, 2009
This really was an open hearted and almost vulnerable to an extreme post. I feel like I understand you so much better though. I love your willingness to share. I enjoyed the glimpse into your life, and please know that we are all here for you.
Nathalie Lussier’s last blog post..Why Do We Need So Many Gurus?
7 Monday Gratitude #1: Mondays Are Nice Edition | Billionaire Woman.com Apr 6, 2009
[...] of gratitude. But it wasn’t until I had hung out at Havi Brook’s blog, and visited Jen Louden’s blog a few weeks in a row that it hit [...]
8 Marisa Apr 6, 2009
What a beautiful, “heart crumbling” post! Thank you!
This week I am going to notice when I resist or postpone joy. My brother is coming to visit for a few days and I want to be overjoyed, but I am sad that when he leaves I will be so upset I will hit the floor. So I am “not getting excited” so I don’t have to be sad.
Marisa’s last blog post..Taking My Own Advice
9 Jennifer Apr 6, 2009
What a lattice of support in your comments and your intentions. May we all observe with love.
10 Positively Present Apr 6, 2009
I love how you talk about being somewhere that is from your past, but being there as you are now, in the current moment. It’s hard to go back to places heavy with memories, but you make a great point in bringing up the concept of now. Even though a place might hold memories for you, you are going there as the person you are now, not the person you were then. I think this concept could help a lot of people who have to face situations or places that bring back a rush of memories.
Positively Present’s last blog post..have the courage to be happy
11 Ilene Apr 6, 2009
Thank you Jennifer for sharing your feelings and experiences in such detail and with such caring – for yourself and for your readers. This week my intention is to sit patiently with unresolved/conflicted feelings and not be angry at myself for being in conflict or not knowing what I want. I intend to stay in the moment and not borrow from the past or the future. Perhaps my conflict has something to teach me and the more I resist it the more conflict I feel…
Ilene
12 Olivia Apr 6, 2009
Ahhhh, lovely post! This week I will lovingly notice the people who love me and all my idiosyncracies. And send some back their way! Thanks Jen.
13 Viveca Apr 7, 2009
I will lovingly notice how well I am supported — the smiles that show up when I need them — the unexpected helping hand when I feel burdened — the healthy body that is ready to take them through anything, anytime.
I love coming here to be reminded of how wonderful my life is. You ground me in what matters most.
Viveca
Viveca’s last blog post..Poll Results — When Are You Most Tired?
14 Jennifer Apr 7, 2009
I’m glad you can come here and be grounded Viveca!
15 Ingrid Apr 7, 2009
Hi Jen, that post made me so happy, as I remembered my California chapter in life. My husband and I lived in Los Angeles where we had a wonderful cirlce of friends and I played a lot of music, among other things. We visited Santa Barbara and I loved it. I loved the landscape, the beauty, the artisan fair along the sidewalk. I wanted to move there, but my husband didn’t know what he would do. As it was, we had a daughter named Rose in 1992 (meant to have her at home but ended up at the Beverly Hills Hospital. ) And then we moved back to my island home. It feels like you and I may have had quite a few parallels, and maybe even, without knowing, crossed paths.
Ingrid’s last blog post..New Souvenirs from the Landscape Of Joy
16 Tonya Apr 7, 2009
Hi Jennifer,
Call it serendipity or fate, but I stumbled upon this entry at a much needed time. Thanks for such authentic and inspirational words. I needed the reminder to stop, notice my “breath breathing me,” and live in the moment. There is joy and peace and love all around me. It is beautiful when I stop to notice.
Much love,
Tonya
17 Deena Apr 7, 2009
Jen,
I saw your post on Twitter this a.m. but my comment is too long to post there!
I joined another social network group – 100 Day Reality Challenge, very cool, and mentioned you there. Thought I would share my post on CCOR.
“Day 7 and only my second entry. I visit the site quickly every day but what happens? Too busy. Too busy so I get stuck and feeling like I can’t accomplish anything for me. I think about my goals and intentions but no action. So, the first week has been an eye-opener. I have all the info, I have the ideas and goals (just added clarification to two of them today!), I know what needs to be done – and then I get stuck.
But today started out differently and the way it started impacted my behavior throughout. I read a Twitter post by one of my favorite coaches and writers, Jennifer Louden (www.comfortqueen.com) – “Have you taken the time to connect with how you want to feel at the end of the day. Set an intention and see what happens.” I did and my behavior has been driven by that intention all day. I feel better and have accomplished so much more. And I submitted my 2nd blog post!
I hope the thought from Jennifer has a positive impact on your day too!
Namaste Deena
18 Carolyn Apr 7, 2009
I want to set an intention to just be zen and observe the emotions I’m having without getting so caught up with them.
And consequently to be patient with myself as I go through a really difficult time. I find that very difficult–I set my expectations too high, and then judge myself for not living up to them. So I want to just allow myself to be where I am, and be patient and not judge. Again, not get caught up in the emotions of it.
Thanks for the touching and really honest post.