Choose Your Life Monday is an invitation to name what pattern you will lovingly notice this week and to do so in community. Of course, you can do it any day you want- you don’t have to start on Monday. Join in when and whenever suits you.
The Squirrel of Ridiculously High Standards
Part 3 (Part Two is here)
So last week I was all about
Lovingly noticing when I am freaking out about what I need to do
and then choosing more skillful ways to co-exist with The Squirrel of Ridiculously High Standards, like having a conversation with him, letting him scurry on by while I step out of the way, and some other cool moves.
I’m happy to report it went really well.
I was more peaceful, less driven, less squirrel-like.
Working with stuff here, with you, and over at the Comfort Cafe is helping me see how often I stop myself at the edge of what I think is possible.
I’m learning how to let self-love support me as I step into the unknown.
And it turns out, it’s not about focus.
Turns about my stuckness is actually ambivalence.
Ambivalence has been bedeviling me all these years, taking on various ruses and forms, trying to convince me the grass is greener elsewhere – almost entirely in regards to my work.
Of course, there’s something underneath the ambivalence.
It’s a defense mechanism, an ancient cover for my fear of being imperfect.
Which is different than being a perfectionist although damn if I can tell you exactly how.
This is a big dog-gone dawning for me
This feels so huge and it’s very disorienting – I never saw myself as an ambivalent person, let alone someone was afraid of being imperfect.
I mean, I’m a goof.
I’m loud, I cackle, I snort, I talk to strangers.
When I teach a retreat, the most common feedback I get is how genuine I am and how willing to share my own struggles.
I have terrible handwriting, you know how many typos I make from reading this blog or my newsletter, I wrap presents horribly, I make mistakes on my bank deposits every other time, and I almost always have a stain of some kind on my clothing.
I am so not a perfectionist. I did say it wasn’t the same thing. Just don’t know how.
Big readjustment happening over here.
Who am I?
Good question.
Plus I let my daughter DRIVE for the first time today.
I wish I was a talented enough writer to convey everything that swept through me seeing her behind the wheel of my car.
What’s going on in your world?
What story of yours are you watching with love and detachment?
As always, I’d love to hear!
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12 responses so far ↓
1 sheista May 11, 2009
Jen, I am walking through the driving with you. As with all things parenting, it is a wicked bittersweet myriad of emotions. Thanks for the reminder of detaching.
2 Carolyn May 11, 2009
Jen,
I am so thrilled to hear you share this because I can relate to it so well. I’m not a perfectionist either, really–I’m spontaneous, my house is messy, I too wrap presents badly, I’m accepting of things others do….and yet, I’ve had a terrible time this year because I’m holding myself to some perfect standard or fear of not being perfect in terms of how I deal with emotional events in my life! But it’s been hard to make sense of those two seemingly conflicting things so your discernment is so helpful!
There’s a lot of judgment attached to that, isn’t there? And stuckness, and self-beating-up ness.
Thanks for articulating that in a way that it makes sense.
3 Theresa May 11, 2009
Wow, this really gave me something to think about, the perfectionist vs the fear of being imperfect. I definitely have the fear, and while I also am not perfect in many of the same ways you mentioned, I think the perfectionism is in my head, the shrieking voice lashing the whip at me (if I’m not good enough, it sure lets me know, and if I’m pretty darn good, well I’d better be even better).
My own stuckness isn’t ambivalance, I don’t think, but more of a mental victim place I get to, where I take on a little internal kid voice (all these voices! Don’t report me!) that whines, “I don’t know… I don’t know what to do… I don’t know how to do that…” and usually that leads me right into shadow comfort zone. It’s a fear of doing something wrong or being unsure, so I hide out in The Place of Not Doing. It’s not a great place to be, but it’s familiar.
As for kids, just wait until you’re on the brink of graduation, as we are this year with our twins. Ack, the emotional complexity of all the stuff going on is really challenging— wanting them to go forth in the world, being proud, feeling grief for their childhood disappearing, for the idea of them leaving, ETC! (And my perfectionist is going crazy with the idea of the upcoming graduation party I have to throw!)
4 Jessica May 11, 2009
This struck a chord with me. I’m so not a perfectionist it’s not even funny. And I’m not judgmental of other people (usually lol). But I’m so judgmental of myself. I often feel like I won’t be good enough so I don’t try. I’m the loudest cheerleader for my friends when they try something new. Maybe I need to be my own cheerleader for a change.
Jessica’s last blog post..Untangling the yarn
5 Hope May 11, 2009
For myself, I find that I’m terrified to try something if I’m not 100% sure I’ll suceed. I don’t feel like a failure because the house is a mess, but I fear failure when I write on my novel. I think that’s the difference between fearing imperfection, and being a perfectionist.
This week I’ll continue to notice what keeps me from writing on my novel _Gwen’s Journey_, and what helps me keep writing anyway.
Hope’s last blog post..null
6 Tara May 11, 2009
I love that you are bad at wrapping presents. I thought I was the only one. I made a pretty cool treasure chest to house a pirate costume present for my nephew a few weeks ago. Not. It looked like my five year old wrapped it.
7 Rachel May 12, 2009
When I read this, I kept saying, “Yes, yes, yes,” I can totally relate.
I have actually always known I tend toward perfectionist thoughts, *however* I never thought that might imply I’m perfect. LOL B/c I’m very much not so… I say the silliest things in conversation that make me want to just be quiet and not talk, I laugh too loud (some people love my laugh, others hate it), my house is never 100% together, I can never seem to clean the kitchen as well as my husband (but he’s OCD, so maybe that doesn’t count either!).
But I am perfectionist in my thinking, especially with my writing… always trying to do things “just right”, afraid to fail, AND afraid to succeed… sometimes not sure what would be worse! Succeeding I think would be worse, actually.. !
As for what I’m noticing this week… my intention, which is to be in tune with my body’s messages, and answer with the simplest thing… but as part of that, noticing my all-or-nothing thinking, noticing my tendency to not answer my body (or do my writing work, for that matter) if I can’t do it “perfectly”… not going to do something about it, but just notice it.
8 Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome May 13, 2009
I’ve always struggled to reconcile my perfectionist tendencies about my writing and my work with my complete and utter lack of perfection (nor interest in being perfect) in the rest of my life.
How can I be so different in different situations and yes, it comes down to fear. I try to be perfect in my writing and my work because they MEAN so much to me whereas the rest holds less importance.
Oh, and my relationship – but I’ve learned to not expect myself to be perfect in that as expectations of perfection lead to breakups.
Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome’s last blog post..Creativity & Paying the Bills: Dave Rhodes Interview
9 Jennifer May 13, 2009
This is such a soup of fantastically rich comments… I think we have stumbled touched felt into something subtly vastly important… the hidden depths and twists of perfectionism and fear, and how they can hide and manifest while looking NOTHING like what we think of a perfectionism… hmmm… something to write about for next post, me thinks!
10 Anne in Virginia May 13, 2009
Hi, Jen,
I had a weekend encounter with my squirrel, too, the big red greedy one with the sandy belly and loud scolding voice. It was about everything WE had to get done, so I was driving my husband, too. I caught myself and apologized. Turns out he knows all about my squirrel. I was able to tell him more clearly what I needed from him and to back off on non-essential tasks.
Perhaps one key to the difference between fear of being imperfect and perfectionism is the self-imposed Ridiculously High Standards. Perfectionists freeze because they imagine someone “out there” judging their appearance or performance. Those with the RHS malady fear their own judgment. We may look great on the outside in the areas we care about, but inside we know how far short we’ve fallen. So we keep trying to get away, to find some endeavor where we won’t find ourselves wanting. My take and oh, yes, my malady, too.
11 Jennifer May 13, 2009
Anne, I love how you stopped squirreling your husband – that is so dear to hear.
i also love your insight about “out there” vs. “in here.” It’s true, I don’t care much about out there, haven’t in awhile. I like praise as much as the next girl but I know it’s like whip cream- it only stays fresh so long and then you have to make some new.
I wonder if I do fear my own judgment? There is certainly a link between my Squirrel and my fear of not imperfection, which I had not seen before.
I shall dream on this!
12 Heidi May 15, 2009
Ahhhh… squirrels. I know them. No really: http://babayagasplace.squarespace.com/heidi-musings/2009/2/13/move-over-squirrel-i-a-hummingbird-now.html
Blessings on all squirrels
Heidi’s last blog post..Babbling fool on the 83