Choose Your Life Monday is an invitation to name what pattern you will lovingly notice this week and to do so in community. Of course, you can do it any day you want- you don’t have to start on Monday. Join in when and whenever suits you.
I’m in that complete and utter who-the-hell-knows-what’s-up place.
You know, the place where you just hope know something major is about to shift in your psyche
but for right now
you feel like a very very pregnant woman who wants to leave her body for a few minutes and get some
relief from the intense feeling of ripeness.
Between blogging here for Choose Your Life Mondays and setting intentions with the cafers over at the Comfort Cafe, it’s like I’ve got a magnifying glass on my pattern of
Squirrel-dom + fear of imperfection = overwhelm
and
not enjoying my life
Wait. That last part isn’t true. I do enjoy my life, I savor it, I exult in it, so much so I walk around grinning at people in a rather annoying dumb way while thinking:
Isn’t this amazing? You think this is amazing, too, right? I mean, we’re walking and talking and feeling and we can buy any kind of food we want (mostly) and don’t even get me started on how cool the Internet is and we get to love people and oh, have you been in a library lately? Did you know you can take books home for free?
It’s like there are two Jen’s – the happy delighted beside-herself-with-life Jen and the Jen who is, let’s face it, possessed by a Squirrel.
A squirrel!
It feels like Squirrel Jen is fixing (as we say down South) to get some learning from delighted Jen only what will happen as a result of this learning remains a mystery.
So this week,
I’m going to be lovingly notice my moments of Squirrel-dom overwhelm and in those moments, notice
how my fear of imperfection is at work.
I know that my squirrel-dom-overwhelm flares up when I attempt to focus (my intention for this month) and I believe I’m afraid of focusing because…
I don’t know.
But I’m on the scent.
I’m getting warm.
I can feel it.
What about you? What pattern are you getting close to understanding, dissolving, or loving into something new? I’d love to hear!
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12 responses so far ↓
1 Joely Black May 18, 2009
Squirrels are, on the other hand, notoriously cute.
I know how this split feeling is – I’ve been feeling the same. I know I can do amazing things – that I’ve already done amazing things. But I also feel like I’m trapped in the illusions that held me back for years.
Well, GRR! What I’m focusing on now is noticing how I fight and struggle when the illusion is powerful, and bring that fight and struggle back into alignment. I won’t get there by fighting, I know that.
Joely Black’s last blog post..The ultimate question
2 Jennifer May 18, 2009
Writing this morning, I thought of you and also of Rachel and it helped. Diving into the cold water of a first draft and the thoughts of “what the hell am I doing????” argh!
3 Dawn May 18, 2009
Jen, it was helpful to hear you articulate what I’ve also been feeling. Life is going along swimmingly, I’ve got a wonderful man I’m moving in with this fall, I am advancing toward my PhD (with a recent meeting w/my advisor confirming I’ll be done in a few months!), and the vast open possibilities a new job (yet to be obtained) bring.
But all this positive possibility is getting me down. It’s too scary, too many things can jeopardize all that potential happiness. So, I hear you. And I hear myself. And I hear that other part of myself that fears it’ll all unravel.
4 Jennifer May 18, 2009
Dawn, congrats on all the goodness! and when we are changing, our anxiety management systems get all wonky. I’m reading a brilliant book, Immunity to Change by Kegan/Lehay. We aren’t afraid to change, we are afraid to lose our defenses against our fears and anxieties.
More on this you can be sure!
5 Emmanuelle May 18, 2009
Wow, Jen – that really resonates with me!
Since I made the leap into entrepreneurship last year, leaving behind outdated patterns and beliefs about myself has been a constant theme. I was envisioning a gradual shift; what I got feels more like molting!
I am thankful for the opportunity to shed my old skin – I had outgrown it and it was getting too rigid for its own good. This new state of “I know I am on the cusp of something important even though it still eludes me” is sometimes frustrating but at least it keeps things interesting. If confusing.
Inspiration, influences and new ideas are percolating inside me, but they are not ready to come out yet. There is an almost alchemical feel to it, but I have yet to find my philosopher’s stone. Oh well. All in good time.
Right now I am experimenting with slowing down… and down… slower than that… (a good exercise for me; I am not used to it) and see what comes out of it.
I would love to hear how others are making time and space for their major shift to take place.
Emmanuelle
6 Dawn May 19, 2009
Thanks for the book recommendation — I always check out what you suggest. This sounds like a good one, too. I definitely would welcome new ways to understand what happens to me and my anxieties when big changes happen.
7 Jessica May 19, 2009
Getting divorced is a crash course in dissolving connections and changing patterns. As painful as the process is, I’m finding out a lot about myself, including strength I never thought I had.
Jessica’s last blog post..The Pirate Queen strikes again
8 Viveca May 20, 2009
I am not squirrely per se but I am definitely hare-y. As in hare brained — hopping from one great idea to the next leaving a trail of poop a.k.a. incomplete projects in my wake.
This week I am going to work with my angels to focus on getting one project completed which is to send out 5 fillers on May 26th, my birthday.
I keep saying I want to be a paid writer and that I want to start with fillers — I am committed to getting it done.
Thanks for adding extra oomph to my day …
Viveca
Viveca’s last blog post..Energy Boost Recipe – Sautéed Spinach (or Kale) Delight
9 Mona May 20, 2009
This week I’m going to watch for times when I pretend to be something I’m not.
Example: Sometimes I pretend that I’m not tired when I totally am. I pretend as if I don’t need recovery or more energy.
But if my car were out of gas, I would not be able to pretend that there was gas in it. I would have to pull over and get gas.
So I’m going to start treating my body’s energy levels like the gas in my car. Sometimes I need to fill out when the tank is getting low. And there’s no amount of pretending that is going to help raise the levels.
I just have to “pull over” and take care of myself.
Mona’s last blog post..First 3 Days of Blogging
10 Hiro Boga May 21, 2009
Jen, your honesty inspires me always.
Now that I’m focused full-time on my business, I’m noticing patterns of overwhelm that build like storm clouds on the horizon before they break over my head.
Last weekend I’d reached my limit of technology overload.
This week I commit to noticing what my body needs, and acting on it.
So . . . I turn off the computer when I’m not directly using it. I stop and move when I need to move–not “later” . . . Rest when rest is needed.
My body and heart are so much happier than they were last weekend!
And then the writing flows.
Hiro Boga’s last blog post..Stuff and Nonsense
11 Jennifer May 21, 2009
All of your comments are, as always, so brilliant and give me these lovely glimpses into your amazing lives.
Here’s to shifts and listening and energy levels and love!
12 Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome May 23, 2009
I totally understand that feeling of LOVING life and yet being overwhelmed by it. Sometimes I just want to curl up under the duvet and stay there despite the fact that I look forward to each day starting…
Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome’s last blog post..How I Get So Much Done Each Day