Choose Your Life Monday is an invitation to name what pattern you will lovingly notice this week and to do so in community. Join in when and however suits you.
Here’s a pattern I notice when sitting down to write these blogs posts: the pattern of feeling scrambled.
As in who the hell am I?
This is a good pattern but somewhat crazy making.
It’s a pattern created by learning.
By being willing to constantly test who I think I am.
By being so hungry and curious about life.
I love this about myself!
This week’s scrambling is because I spent the weekend listening to the venerable Ane Pema Chodron. There was so much about this weekend to be grateful for, not the least of which is simply being able to partake of such teachings.
How lucky am I to get to explore how to work with my mind?
How lucky are you and I to be able to learn such wise ways to stop feeling unhappy and icky and to be joyful?
(Note to self: remember you are grateful for this when it’s two in the morning and you’re so painfully aware of your mean thoughts about your ex.)
Another wonder of Pema
is how comforting she is. She keeps saying, “It is possible to be free of your neurosis and endless stories. It really is.”
She then says, “I may not be the best role model but really, it is possible.”
And we all laugh and feel comforted.
Because how often do we believe we can never be free? We will always be screwed up.
Always be depressed or wounded or lost or less than or not fit in.
Listening to Pema made my whole snarl of around significance and safety and wanting to just get things done so transparent.
Before the retreat, I was thinking how deep and original my pattern was.
How very difficult to unwind.
These are all moves I make to avoid stepping into the groundlessness of being, otherwise known as being completely and utterly vulnerable, tenderhearted and without a story.
Being here, without your story to shield you from life.
Being naked like this is true freedom.
As free as my dogs in the car, heads out the window, eyeballs vibrating, ears flying.
Even freer that that.
Tasting that freedom, that nakedness, this weekend, after quite a long time of not tasting it, of being lost in busyness and anxiety, was such a precious reminder of why I do inner work.
Of why I do my work in the world.
Which brings me to this week (in a long winded round about way)
I so want to nurture this experience of freedom – at the same time I’d really rather go pour a big glass of wine and numb out – but I want freedom more – so this week
I will lovingly notice
When I get lost in my fear and anxiety,
I will inhale deeply and exhale long and slow and then look gently and steadily at my fear, and keep dropping my story, whatever that story is in the moment.
This is my committment for this week.
I’d love to hear your comments and what patterns you are working with this week or this month or this lifetime.