Choose Your Life Monday is an invitation to name what pattern you will lovingly notice this week and to do so in community. Of course, you can do it any day you want- you don’t have to start on Monday. Join in when and whenever suits you.
The holiday family bonanza is winding down. Tonight is our last family dinner for eleven. And may I say, we have all done a great job of meeting and greeting and being patient. And I have done a very fine job of not getting into caught in my story that nobody loves me? Yeah!
In case you missed last week, my intention last week was:
will lovingly notice when I’m feeling like a victim or abandoned. I will simply notice my thoughts and what my body is doing and if I chose, I might speak to myself kindly, I might look for a need of mine I could better meet, I might go outside and watch the wind in the trees
or I might just notice.
That was a good one. By setting it, and by talking to Bob about it, I avoided my whole poor pitiful me story.
What I did not avoid, however, was my “I’m a big incompetent boob” story — it premiered on Christmas day but not to raving reviews.
You see, I’m about as genetically far removed from the Martha Stewart’s and Julia Child’s of the world as Pol Pot was from Mother Teresa.
I can’t cook, can’t bake, can’t wrap presents in clever yet environmentally correct ways. I’m not much better at creating meaningful holiday rituals nor creating wonderful ice-breakers to foster deep connection between suddenly united yet complete strangers aka newly blended family (although I do that really well when I teach retreats).
So on Christmas Day
when I attempted to help Bob with dinner by making Laura’s Brussels sprout recipe and he wanted to pan toast the walnuts but I wanted to toast them in the toaster oven but then I forget about them and they burnt, I watched myself melt into the “I can’t do anything right, why am I such a loser?” story.
Oh, it didn’t last long and nobody in the family was around so they didn’t have to politely look away while I picked at my inadequacies but still, it was not fun. It felt so old and yucky and yet so very real.
It’s me at my victim best as in “If I can’t be perfect, why be at all?”
I share this scathingly honest tidbit so
a) if you experienced a moment of self-loathing or cooking incompetency over the holidays, you will feel less alone
and
b)if you can wrap presents in clever yet environmentally correct ways, you can (privately) entertain a moment of high fiving yourself
and
c) because even though we can set wise intentions and be aware and take naps and read Mary Oliver’s new poetry book and not over-do it, we can still get side-swiped, especially when we are tired or around our families or under stress. Especially then.
So a big hug to my stupid boob story and then on to this week…
I’ll be creating the final touches for my luscious big Virtual Retreat (January 16-19th) and I am so damn proud of it and of my Comfort Cafe and Life Spa (when you sign up for the retreat, you get the option of a free month’s membership site but only until December 31st) so get on it now.
I’ve noticed that as proud and excited as I am, I’m also stressing. Wondering if I can do it all, do it right, get the word out enough, etc.
So this week (cue angels and a Greek chorus and drums and why not a harp… and bongos, I love bongos)
I will lovingly notice when I am telling myself I can’t. I will simply notice the “I can’ts” and what thoughts go with “I can’t”, what reactions I feel in my body, what choices I feel I can and can’t make.
I might also ask “Is it true I can’t do ____?” or I might just notice.
‘Cause one thing I’m loving loving loving about Choose Your Life Mondays it is showing me through experience that changing my patterns doesn’t always have to always be hard work. That the ease of simply being aware can sustain me without me having to do anything.
What are you noticing?
Join me! Name your pattern in the comment section. You can name the same pattern from last week, if you played last week. Or you may want to tweak yours a tad. Or comment on the process. Love reading your intentions!
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19 responses so far ↓
1 Hiro Boga Dec 28, 2008
This week I will notice my pattern of not asking for help when I need it.
And I’ll listen kindly to all the little voices that have Things to Say about why I can’t ask for help.
And will listen kindly to my body, which always tells me the truth about what I need.
And I’ll say “yes” to the help that’s offered. Yes.
2 barbara Dec 29, 2008
Okay, I’ll stop lurking and jump in! Thank you Jennifer for “exposing” yourself
This week, I will notice when I’m on “auto pilot”, pushing my dreams down and being complacent. It’s easy to do, surrounded by a loving family and enjoying the warm afterglow of the last few days…fabulous food, with everyone pitching in and lot’s of funny toasting, games and laughter, everyone in their pj’s, like being a child again. Much like a snowstorm, the holiday is a respite from life as we know it.
So when it’s all over, and I’ve returned to the routine, I will notice when I’m not giving my dreams their due, because they deserve my attention!
B
3 Helga Dec 29, 2008
Before Christmas, I had a little time to journal and noticed that I wrote more about stuff I didn’t get “right” than about things I did/thought/felt that were “good” and whole and wonderful. So, this week I will notice when I feel good about something I did/thought/felt, including really, really tiny stuff.
PS: Greenish or redish pillowcases and (re-useable) fabric ribbon make fine seasonal giftwrapping. Thanks for my first, not quite private, “feel good” notice, Jen!
4 anita Dec 29, 2008
This whole morning I’ve been whining to myself already that I just want to take this whole week off and do nothing but whatever I feel like that I deserve a holiday too…
but the other voices say: you have a huge to-do list and you can’t just let it go for five days..
so, in agreement with myself, I will look at the list each day and do those 2 or 3 things that seem most important that day and take the rest of the day off–whatever that means for that day.
5 Julie Jordan Scott Dec 29, 2008
This week I will notice when I fall into the belief that I am “left out” of experiences the people I love are sharing because I am not worthy to be included…(ooomph, that is bigger and deeper and wider than I knew, I can feel it even in my toes…) and I will lovingly guide myself back through asking “What, if anything, about this is true?”
“What is the lesson you are meant to be learning?” and then let the answer to the question ride its way out in the living rather than in relentless inquiry.
Now THAT feels exceptional. Thanks Jen.
PS – Scathingly honest tidbits ROCK!
6 Manya Arond-Thomas Dec 29, 2008
Love the scathing honesty, and as it so happens, yesterday my “I’m a total failure” pattern surfaced, which may be a variant of “If I can’t be perfect, why be at all?” Along with this comes, “what’s wrong with me that I can’t figure this out?”
So my intention for this week, this year, this lifetime, is to continue to give myself permission to be, to experiment and to express me without judgment.
thanks, Jen, for encouraging us to put it out there!
7 Jennifer Dec 29, 2008
Oh so glad the scathing honesty is helping everybody this week!
Here’s to gently intention and permission and no judgment and f–k perfect!
8 Wormy Dec 29, 2008
Hmmmm… this week, I think I may just have a go at getting through it! Remembering to breathe and let my shoulders down and to ground myself constantly. That has to be my best calm down method ever. Because, seriously, I’m *way* too caught up in rushing around and getting stuff done to be able to do much more, so that’s enough and I’ll let it be enough.
9 JoVE Dec 29, 2008
Last week I said that I’d notice when things went well with my parents. And it worked. I spent 2 evenings with them and didn’t want to strangle either of them at all. I actually enjoyed both evenings (as well as possible given that I had a cold and low energy).
Not only that but my partner and I both remembered afterwards that my mom had said something awful to him but neither of us could remember what it was. I take that as a good sign that I was focusing on the good and ignoring the bad. Hurray.
Not sure about this week. We’re back into the mundane around here. And things are feeling pretty manageable and good.
10 Marisa Dec 30, 2008
This week I am going to notice when I resist doing something because it’s not part of my “expectations”. Just because it isn’t part of my plan doesn’t mean that it’s wrong or bad!
11 Sarah Dec 30, 2008
I’m coming out of lurk to comment! So, my patterns … well, last week (and for much of the holiday season), I’ve been held an intention of savoring the season and staying present and not getting ahead of myself (which leads to overwhelm and frustration and dread and a feeling of ack (and lack)!). There were many moments when I was rushing and not savoring, so it was powerful to notice and slow down. I’d like to do that again. Focusing on the next step. In addition, it is New Year’s, and I’m feeling as if I *should* do something, but my husband is working, and I want to make plans, but I’m feeling up in the air and I’m not sure exactly what. So, I’d like to work on trusting that things will unfold in a very pleasing way, and also trusting myself to make decisions from a place of good expectations — instead of thinking oh, I should say yes because this has been offered, I can say no (and thank you!) if I’m really not feeling a yes, yes, yes! I want connection, I want delight, I want pleasure, and I want to savor the night, but not make it such a big deal. It is more than okay to be in my jammies at midnight! I’m also working on trusting myself, breathing through busy times instead of holding my breath, and looking for synergy!
12 Janice Lynne Lundy Dec 30, 2008
Jen-
Thanks for this awesome invitation to get real with ourselves. Here’s my “fake” storyline.
I must work really, really, really hard to deserve a day off.
Doesn’t that stink? I’ve been working on that one for a while and realize that since my new book has come out, I work much more than I play. So this particular tape kept playing in my head the week before Christmas (“Work extra hard because you’ll have to be away from your desk for a few days this week.”) I listened to that tape and got myself all worked up. Stressed. Overwhelmed. Plus I ate too many sugar cookies. Yuck!
So…. I am learning. When the tape wanted to roll this week, because there is another holiday that will take me away from my desk, I actually heard it. Yeah! I talked back to it and said “So what? I’m gonna do what I WANNA do. Stop being so noisy and making me feel guilty for not working on more book marketing stuff. Quieeeeeeettttt!”
So here I am doing a little work, watching the swans on the Bay, and dreaming about the Belgian waffles I will really, really, really enjoy on New Year’s morning. A no work, no guilt, savor the moment day. I’m making progress and the New Year hasn’t even arrived yet. This is good!
13 Mona Dec 30, 2008
This week, I’ll be noticing my pattern of thinking that the other shoe is going to drop.
Of thinking that I don’t get to be happy for long because something or someone is going to INTERRUPT me and my fun and happiness.
Who would I be without the idea that the other shoe is going to drop? That this won’t last? Or that it’s even possible to be interrupted?
14 Carol Dec 30, 2008
This week, I will be noticing my pattern of stressing out over finances, and focusing on “lack” instead of “abundance”, and shift my focus.
And Jennifer, if it helps any, I’m probably further from Martha Stewart than you are. Forget about wrapping in clever, environmentally safe ways – I’ll settle for being able to wrap a gift and have it not look like a 4 year old wrapped it!
15 Sharon K. Moritz Dec 31, 2008
To tell the truth this week I do not feel like noticing anything about myself.
I just feel very, very excited about the prospect of the New Year. I Have signed up for your Virtual Retreat and I look forward to absorbing the new information. The info looks so appealing to me being the slef-help junkie that I am:)
Sharon
16 Kat Dec 31, 2008
I am noticing that I am showing up on Wednesday instead of Monday because I was on vacation – this is huge for me because it is the first winter break I have taken in too many years! and I am noticing that I am off until next Monday and only checked my email once. I am noticing how much less I need to feel important through my work.
PS love the idea of the retreat however, I will be enjoying the exciting swirl of events in the US capitol that weekend in DC!
17 Michelle Dec 31, 2008
I just noticed myself getting into a stress space over not wanting to go to a New Years Eve party tonight that I was invited to….I kept noticing the scared part of myself who believes that the only way to stay safe is to please others….Now that I’ve noticed that part, I am affirming that it’s okay to be the Happy Hermitess I feel like being this evening…..I can send love and goodwill to others, and still do what I want to do with my time and life!!!!
18 Sarah Jan 4, 2009
Wow, Michelle, that observation is really insightful about pleasing others, you said it so well!! “I kept noticing the scared part of myself who believes that the only way to stay safe is to please others … I can send love and goodwill to others and still do what I want to do with my time and life!!!” I needed to hear that!! Thank you.
19 Choose Your Life Mondays #8 » Comfort Queen Jan 4, 2009
[...] Last week I wrote about being a Christmas kitchen idiot and how burning the walnuts triggered a big story of “I can’t do anything right, why am I such a loser?” I’m happy I was so scathingly honest because: [...]