Choose Your Life Monday is an invitation to name what pattern you will lovingly notice this week and to do so in community. Of course, you can do it any day you want- you don’t have to start on Monday. Join in when and whenever suits you.
Last week I wrote about being a Christmas kitchen idiot and how burning the walnuts triggered a big story of “I can’t do anything right, why am I such a loser?” I’m happy I was so scathingly honest because:
It helped you to be more lovingly expansive with yourself or as Julie said “PS – Scathingly honestItidbits ROCK!”
and
Because I received this email from Rebecca which made me laugh so loud I spit my tea across the room.
I was reading your latest about burning the nuts and feeling inadequate… and all I can think is: you have done so much for so many, you have changed their lives…and you are upset about burnt nuts? [this is where I blushed at my own scathing honesty]
Heck, I am planning to toast walnuts completely smoking black in your honor! I’ll call it the annual “Jen Louden Holiday Kitchen Fire.” [this is where the tea spitting occurred]
You were meant to do something else in this life. And it seems to me you are doing that which you are meant to. I’m sorry the nuts tweeked your sense of self, but in the grand scheme…? [this is where I took a big swallow of tea and felt both sheepish and blessed]I say this because of how much you have helped me with your book, The Life Organizer – it has given me a new way to see myself, new language to think thoughts in. It is a source of inspiration, strength, comfort…and joy. [this is where I did a little dance around the room and sang one of my off tune nonsense happy songs in joy for my book helping] [this is also where I said, yes outloud, 'Damn, that is a good book.]
On your tombstone, it will not say, “She couldn’t toast walnuts.” It will say something to the effect, “Beloved Jennifer was loved far and wide by many whom she never met…but they are her friends and love her as if she were family.” [this is where I got tears in my eyes and wondered at the power of words to connect us all]
Sincerely, One Grateful Reader
I hesitated to share this email because I thought it might seem a little self-congratulatory as in “Does Jen think her poop doesn’t stink?” or somebody might think, “Well, isn’t it good for her that she has her purpose all figured out, that only makes me feel worse because I don’t” (none of you are petty enough to have these thoughts so I’ll have them for you) but I decided to because…
I felt so busted and in such a good way
To my ears, Rebecca is saying, to me and you,
Hey, stop focusng in what you don’t do well and start paying attention to what you can’t help but do, your natural genuis. What the heck do you care about X when you can do Y and Z and plenty of A, F, and L?”
To my ears, Rebecca is the voice of God saying,
I only want you to be you. If you spent more time being you, you sure would have more fun. Either way, I love you.”
So, I propose, in Rebecca’s honor, that we each perform our own verison of the Jen Louden Holiday Kitchen Fire.
- What are you ready to acknowledge is not your thing, not your gift, not your bailiwick, not your talent, not your forte, not your genius, at least in this life time?
- What are you ready to stop trying or maybe you stopped trying a long time ago but you still wish you could?
- What would, if you let go of it, let you have more brain space and greater heart energy for your natural can’t-help-but-do-it genuis?
- What will be in your kitchen fire?
My “I will not be this in this life time” list is:
I will not be cook – and I will have lots of kitchen fires
I will not be a good speller - and this blog will have lots of typos
I will not do much of anything neatly – and I will continue to make art and wrap presents
I will not be a linear thinker – and I will still get my point across
I will not have a clean car, a tidy garden, or stain free clothes- and my sister will
I will not love parties where I don’t know people – and I won’t go if I don’t want to
I will not be calm, cool and quiet – and it will get worse as I get more deaf!
Wow, this feels so good, you’ve got to try it. I could go on and on, and I don’t want to write too much because I want to be sure I’m really ready to not want these things anymore, that I’m really ready to say, “Not this time around.”
So this week, I am proposing that you lovingly explore the idea of making an “I will never” list.
Forget putting down things you are already over – who cares about those?
Instead, list the things that you keep wishing you could do or ways you could be even though you know it’s not you.
Write down what you still itch about, even though you know, if Rebecca wrote you an email, she’d say,
Oh come on. Look over here. Here is your genius, here is where you want to focus. Stop with that stuff, leave it alone and get on with ______!!!”
I can’t wait to read yours!
Join me! Name what you will put in your kitchen fire in the comment section. I can’t wait to read what you will burn. Burn baby burn, it’s the not no more inferno.
Related posts:
24 responses so far ↓
1 Juli Ford Alhadeff Jan 4, 2009
Wow! I love this idea. I’m glad I wasn’t drinking anything while reading Rebecca’s letter because I laughed out loud too.
The idea of letting go is on my mind (I just blogged about that!) but I love the way you spoke of it, Jen.
Here is a start at my list:
I am willing to let go of the fantasy that some day I am going to really organize my contact files electronically. I have been saying I will do this for years and it is not going to happen! Hurray!!
I will not organize the silverware in the dishwasher basket. I hate doing that.
I will not switch over to an electronic calendar. I love paper.
I will not ever keep all my notes about one thing in the same notebook instead of having 5 notebooks scattered around my house full of mixed up topics. I like writing things down whenever and wherever I feel like it.
Well, that is a start and it feels great! Thanks for getting that going, Jen!
Warmly,
Juli
2 Amarja Jan 5, 2009
I just love the idea of not having to make myself do things I am NOT good at. I will NOT be doing PR in a way that one SHOULD. I will lovingly ask for help in any tax related thing, maybe ask somebody to hold my hand while filling in the forms. I give eternal thanks for spelling checks and I will just have to do things MY way, because frankly whenever I tried to do it someone elses way it always backfired. I will not work in an office, have a neat tidy flat in the way my parents dreamt I would, and I will love and live my life just fine
!!!
love from a grateful amsterdam redhead
3 JoVE Jan 5, 2009
This is a GREAT exercise. But I’m going to have to think about it. Rebecca is SO right, though. Thanks.
4 Paula Jan 5, 2009
Okay:
I will never sew, knit or do handwork of any kind.
I will never bake fancy cookies or pastries.
I will never have a manicured garden.
Those are the big ones. Whew! Now on to work on what I can do and love to do. Thanks, Jen. Great way to start the new year!
5 Char Jan 5, 2009
This is your best article ever Jen – it touched me in a million places. I too will have to think about my list but here’s a start – just because I want to because it is so juicy!!
This time around I won’t be neat – but my sis will! Yes!!
This time around I feel great being on my own – but my sis doesn’t!! (obviously, I’m the younger sis)
This time around I say the wrong thing and my foot in my mouth a lot – some say that’s a strong personality – and I don’t give a flying f__ . I’ll put my foot in my mouth – all of it – and love being me!
This time around I love animals more than people for the most part – and that’s a good thing, not something to be ashamed of.
This time around I love being alone more than personally interacting with others – yeah, me
This time around I love books to the point that I’m reading 15 at one time and cherishing every moment of it – and I hate TV for the most part.
This time around I am really loving being in silence – regardless of the kids who thrive on noise!
This time around I love being organized and neat – it works for me!!
Guess that’s all for now but I reserve the right to post again, because THIS is my life.
6 Char Jan 5, 2009
So, I reread this and noticed that I said I’ll be neat and then said I won’t be neat.
I wrote that wrong.
I’m neat – my sis struggles with that – and I like it!
And correction, I’ll put both feet in my mouth if I want to right up to my poopuk (Jewish word for touche!) and enjoy every mouthful!!!!!
I love kitchen fires – then I get to remodel!!!!!
Loved this post so much – and yes, Jen, you have touched so many hearts far and wide including mine.
We are family!!!
7 Joely Black (@TheCharmQuark on Twitter) Jan 5, 2009
What a fantastic post, and a great exercise. I have another bit habit I’m working on right now, but I’m going to save that up.
And I feel so much better that there are other people out there who won’t ever be cooks. I’ve always felt ashamed of it.
8 Dawn Jan 5, 2009
As soon as I saw your list, Jen, I wanted to add my own. This is a very good exercise for the new year.
I, like many of you, will never be a graceful cook. I do my best, I challenge myself in the kitchen, but I’ll probably always be flustered and panicky making a recipe edible.
I will never learn much more about computers than I currently know. I just don’t care enough and would rather have my geek friends guide me.
Like @Amarja, I will never do my own taxes. I LOVE having someone hold my hand through it.
I will never be a social butterfly or the queen of small talk.
I will never be 100% even-keeled. I’m emotional and reactive, and I like it (though it’s a more mature version today than it was when I was younger).
I will never be an expert in *information*. I’d much rather process emotions and human relationships (this is a biggie, as it marks a big difference between my bf and me that i’ve felt ashamed of because it seems like he “knows” more because he can impart knowledge and information and data. I need to think more about what *I* know than about what I *think* I should know — any ideas????).
9 Tara Jan 5, 2009
Jen, I agree that this is one of your best posts. Perhaps because it is so timely. We are all making those New Year’s “should” lists even if we don’t admit it. The sermon at church on Sunday said almost the same thing as your blog, so I know I’m meant to write an “I will never list”:
*I will never have matching settings and pretty dishware to have anything other than a chip and pop BBQ party.
*I will never shower and dress before a cup of coffee. I probably won’t even get dressed before noon most days, and even then I’ll be wearing jeans. Sorry. I will never be a morning person.
*I will never finish creative projects from start to finish without starting something else. I may go back to the original, but only if and when I feel like it.
*I will never grocery shop like a grown up. It is best that I leave this task to my husband who can be in and out without a list in record time.
10 Carol Jan 5, 2009
I will never be interested in reading the business section of the paper or learning the intricacies of the financial section.
I will never be comfortable promoting myself or my business, or being my own marketing/salesperson. After a few years in sales and dealing with pushy sales reps, it just makes me feel smarmy and like I need a shower!
I will probably never finish the scrap book projects I’ve planned to do forever, and will probably never, ever use up all of the scrapbook & craft supplies, notebooks and blank journals I’ve bought. But, I *will* keep on collecting them.
I will probably never be uncluttered and totally organized.
11 Marisa Jan 5, 2009
I will never be someone who adores and adheres to a schedule-and I will have lots of spontaneous joys and opportunities because of that
I need things like massages and pedicures- being pampered is ok
I will never make a month’s menu-I don’t like to do that
I will never be a morning person-my best ideas and my creative peaks happen in the middle of the night and I need to be awake to get the most of them
I will always prefer to be in the background, not the center of attention- and that is ok!
I can’t make beautiful floral arrangements like my mom- I will always have them stuffed into a vase in a mishmash
I will never love driving no matter what kind of car I have, I would rather walk or ride with someone else driving
12 Shannon Jan 5, 2009
I will never be who “they” want me to be because I am Who I Am and she’s comfy
13 Jennifer Jan 5, 2009
Everybody is a burning up the nots!
I have to add “I will not address a package or letter neatly”
I feel so much lighter today and I’m noticing when a “not”comes up as “Why can’t I do that?” or a “Should” I just go, um, no, that’s not me.
Yeah! Thanks for joining me!
14 Melanie Jan 5, 2009
Love this post!
This is the kind of thing I need – an ‘I will not’ list and my ‘let go of’ list. I like lists, and these are so much more calming than my big ‘to-do’ list!
Dawn’s ‘I will not be an expert in ‘information’ resonates with me. I am terrible with names, dates, trivia, etc. I’m much better with emotions and connections.
Here’s some of my list:
I will not send my kids to public school and let teachers’ “shoulds” run my life.
I will not work 9-5.
I will not separate my life into compartments of work/partner/kids/me.
I will not go to parties, events, activities unless I really want to.
I will not schedule work or activities in the evening because I’m too tired and become very grouchy.
I will not help people because I should, but because I want to.
I will not allow my life to be run by my children’s wants. Instead I will say no when I need to. I will talk with them about what is really important to each of us, and what things we can let go of.
15 Diana Jan 5, 2009
Thanks, again, for the idea!
I will never be a pushy, forceful person at work. I don’t enjoy it, it doesn’t fit my personality, and there are plenty of ways to maximize the benefits of being a gentle, understated person without getting taken advantage of. In fact, it’s a blessing to be gentle.
I will never enjoy working in a hospital type setting. I find it cold and dehumanizing. I like other ways of delivering healthcare.
I will never enjoy oatmeal that doesn’t come in little flavored packets, even though I think I ought to.
And I will still have a reasonably healthy breakfast with the sugary packets.
I will never be an oil painter, no matter how many supplies I have sitting on a shelf. And I will still enjoy other artistic outlets like collaging and music.
16 sandy Jan 5, 2009
Love, love, love this post! Especially, it was nice to have Rebeccas’s e-mail prompt me to tell you, Jen, that you do really feel like a treasured separated-at-birth sister to me even though we’ve never met. Should have written this to you long ago. Through your work, you have affected my life in some beautiful ways over the last… gosh, at least ten years! You are a blessing.
Now, to think about what is my equivalent of shame about burned walnuts…I hate shame so much!
17 Michelle Jan 5, 2009
I will never have a cement-block level of sensitivity, not that I would want to! At times though, I’ve felt “weird” for feeling more easily affected than others by both the bad and the good around me. But that is okay, because it is through my high level of sensitivity that many of my gifts in this lifetime manifest. Time to celebrate being something of a flower rather than something like a cement block!
18 MamaShift Jan 6, 2009
I’m wondering if I should let go of my desire to become a calmer, quieter person. I think, honestly, I can get there through meditation and yoga — and even therapy, but I wonder if I’m just working against my basic nature. I dunno, I think I can at least improve.
I will not, probably, become a crafty mama.
I will not own my own house within the next five years.
I will not become a night owl and stay up with my husband.
I will not have a busy social life.
I will not improve my Russian nor learn Lithuanian beyond the basics — this year, anyway.
I will not, probably, fit in daily walks in the forest.
I might not be able to give up sugar.
19 Janice Lynne Lundy Jan 6, 2009
Another great post, Jen, though I must admit I had to think about it overnight. You see, I am a muller, a sitter and ponderer; a watcher, a listener, a feeler and toucher, and that is precisely what I LOVE to do. Which brings me to my reponse to your post.
I will never be an adventurous sort of gal. Never, nor do I want to.
No hikes up the volcano in Maui that my husband is dying to climb. Sorry honey.
No kyaking in the ocean (especially after hearing his story of a giant whale encounter! His accounting of the stench and giant eye staring him down was enough to break me out in a sweat.)
No camping, absolutely no roughing it in any way. Give me a Hilton anyday!
No hang gliding, parasailing, or bunjee jumping—ever!—even if I am a corpse. No one is allowed to do that with my body!
No trekking in cold water climes. I hate the cold with a passion.
No rainforest treks, no large hairy spiders, snakes, or fist size cockroaches.
In short, let me sit here and enjoy my world in a leisurely lazy way. I adore travel, don’t get me wrong, but I’ll always be ambling, always be the slow one lagging behind, savoring every little sight, sound, and smell. I have no desire to be an Outward Bound sort of gal. Inward Bound, that’s me!
All Love, Jan
20 Heidi Jan 6, 2009
This is fabulous. How awesome is it to have explicit and loving permission to not only be a cheerleader for women, but for yourself! And to not even have to be perfect at that.
Please note, no bras were harmed in this holiday kitchen fire – they’re too nice.
I will never be as organized as my husband, and while I’m grateful that I can always find something he put away, I haven’t seen this practice bring him a lot of joy. Frankly, alphabetizing books by genre is way to anal for me, and on my search for what I thought I wanted to read, I end up finding something else that’s beyond perfection.
I will never be Martha Stewart magazine ready entertainment woman. I’m quirky and creative and have a wacky sense of humor, and I love entertaining the way I love entertaining – with good music, mismatched plates, the absolutely incorrect wine glasses for the wine we’re drinking because they’re dishwasher safe, and a love of warmth and comfort.
Woohoo!
21 chris zydel Jan 6, 2009
Hi Jen,
Just wanted to say how much I am loving Choose Your Life Mondays and how much fun it is to play in this community of such hip, cool and conscious women!
And what a fun exercise…. OK…
I will not ever have a clutter free house…. there’s worse things than tripping over your gorgeous, ostrich leather cowboy boots in the middle of the night.
I will never have a sense of direction, or be able to figure out where East or North or West is ….. being lost from time to time takes me into the most interesting places.
I will never be able to travel ANYWHERE, even if it’s only for a weekend, without overpacking AT LEAST two large bags….. that’s why god invented suitcases on rollers!
I will never be able to get up at the crack of dawn and diligently get to work on my writing projects…. and I will still complete them anyway!
That’s it for now…..
22 Char Jan 7, 2009
ooooh, more good stuff to never be:
-Never an outward bound woman, inward bound like Jan
-Never like heights
-Never love being sweating profusely because of outside heat and humidity – air conditioning and me are very good friends.
-Never love or even tolerate violence to people or animals
-
23 leona Jan 7, 2009
Ahh..so refreshing to make this list…don’t know about you but I keep on adding to my lists of things to do, learn and even “become” for crying out loud…and crying out loud is what I hear a lot of people doing today with road rage, supermarket line-up and slow check out chick snappiness, anxiety or hypersensitivity or and a kind-of underlying numbness and disconnection from life. Grrr. How do we do this to ourselves? I just found your blog and am thrilled as my New Year’s commitment TO ME is to make my spiritual practice this year about self-care. Oh yes, I gonna send myself heaps of loving kindness in my meditations, I’m gonna be asking “does this take me in the direction of feeling better or worse”, I’m thinking about starting a new blog to record my journey…’cos I’ve got a few thousand miles to travel on this one releasing my pattern of putting other’s needs first or putting mine first and feeling like shite (lovely Scottish word for you know what! Go on…try letting it roll off your tongue…ahh doesn’t that feel great).
Anyway: here’s my little list ~ I’m not
~going to apologise for not wanting to swim in cold water even if it is a hot day
~own a sewing machine or learn to take up hems
~become a gardener of any sort – no, not even pot plants, kitchen sprouts. I will however, gratefully receive gifts of silk flowers that look real and only need dusting once every 5 years.
~going to tell myself that I will never lose my temper ever again.
~apologising for having lots of projects on the go and knitting more than one garment at once. Sometimes you just gotta feel the texture of one kind of yarn over another depending on your mood
~going to listen to people when they tell me I’m “too much” anymore
~going to tell myself I have to do something big and successful to feel like I have lived a life worth living. (oohhh- I have touched something deep there as my heart aches and tears well).
Thanks for this opportunity…and good luch everyone.
~
24 Making room for something new « Making a More Mindful Family Jan 8, 2009
[...] 9, 2009 · No Comments In a New Year post on her blog “The Comfort Queen,” Jen Louden wrote about making a “Kitchen Fire” list. See, in an earlier post, Jen scolded herself for not being a great cook – for being the kind of [...]