I’m not a list maker.
My sweetheart Bob will guffaw when he reads this as he believes I am a mighty list maker.
I am not.
But oh, do I want to be.
I yearn to sum up the year in a neat list.
Complete with pretty bullet points.
A pretty bullet pointed list of lessons learned, exotic places visited, books that changed my life, touching moments with Lilly, business mistakes and triumphs, client’s success stories… you know, the kind of list that makes the year look so tidy.
I love tidy!
Then I learned this morning that it’s actually the end of the decade – I had somehow totally missed this little fact — and I wanted a list even more.
Ah, I love lists: their trim allure, their sense of putting the year to rest, their bow-like promise.
But try as I might to write one, it is not to be.
I would need a different mind.
A pattern finding tidy mind.
Oh, and I would need a memory, too.
Or at least, a notes of some kind.
So no list.
But what do I have to offer in way of a summary of 2009?
My big ding dang do learning of 2009.
My take away I plan to build on in ole’ 2010.
The kind of life insight I’m always babbling on about.
The thread of gold that ran through so much of my learning and getting this year is…
To want what I have.
Full disclosure: I almost deleted this post because it’s A) embarrassing and B) it’s embarrassing.
Kinda of basic folks.
But it’s my big lesson for 2009 and as I am committed to truth telling and being myself – without TMI, of course - there you have it:
My big learning for 2009
Love what is here even when it’s hard
As in
Do not confuse my perennial yearning to learn and grow, to always reach for deeper truth in my work, with discontent.
Be watchful that my enthusiasm for learning and adventure and change does not morph into a standard of perfection and change for the sake of change that I can never reach nor settle into.
And thus (don’t you love the word thus!) in 2010 I will not set goals that have anything to do with outside determinants and I will set goals that have everything to do with my own conditions of satisfaction.
In so much as I set goals. Not much of a goal setter. But hey, if I do, they will be COS goals (let’s make some together, Comfort Cafers.) I might also take a page from the wonderful Chris Guillebeau’s annual review series. I’m also choosing a theme for 2010 when the Comfort Cafe does in a few days.)
When we do our little Solstice ritual tonight (we light candles in all the rooms and then go for a walk in the dark and talk about the year and what we are grateful for and then come around the corner to a house blazing with light) I will focus on what is good, what is here, and declare myself satisfied.
Wait, did that turn into a list?
I’d love to hear what you learned in 2009. Feel free to make a list.
Related posts:
36 responses so far ↓
1 Hiro Boga Dec 21, 2009
Oh, Jen, thank you for this! My take-away from 2009 is similar to yours:
Love always gives me what I need, in every moment–just when I need it. So everything I truly need is right here, right now.
*sigh*
Much love to you,
Hiro
2 Tweets that mention Choose Your Life Mondays – 2009’s Big Ding Dang Learning » Comfort Queen -- Topsy.com Dec 21, 2009
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jennifer Louden, HiroBoga. HiroBoga said: "Love what is here even when it's hard." RT @jenlouden: My big ding dang learning for 2009: http://is.gd/5whKx [...]
3 Wormy Dec 21, 2009
This is lovely to read. Thank you.
I wrote about something similar in my solstice sum up.
I learned that love isn’t something you wait for – it’s there inside you, always and that it’s a big deal. Definately a big deal.
Happy Yule.
4 Amy Dec 21, 2009
Jen, I love the simple and rich truth of what you share here. SOmetimes the things taht may appear simplet o appreciate are not at all simple to embody and integrate into every aspect of our doing and being…that is a whole different nut to crack. So bravo for sharing your truth…it resonates deepluy with me as well. I look forward to more of your wisdon in 2010!
Amy (@LotusAmy on twitter)
5 Jennifer Dec 21, 2009
Yum wise women, yum. Wormy, on my gosh, yes. Same for me with success – realizing (blush) that my goals are for me to fulfill rather than waiting for another call from Oprah. Sigh on how long that one took but hey, better now than 87!
6 crescent Dec 21, 2009
Lovely. I’m both attracted to and allergic to bullet-point posts; like all forms of narrative (including lists) they attempt to give form to chaotic life, into which we’re born and from which we leave, *** always mid-chapter***! Hence my own ongoing addiction to the kind of list-making you describe. But essays like yours, Jen, tell the truth so much better than “Five Things You MUST Know to Organize Your House / Use Social Media/ Have a Happy Marriage/ Understand to Function in 2010″ etc etc. My take-away is much like yours:
To want what I have
To live what I know.
To soften to learning what I *don’t* know, and *don’t like*, over and over again.
To embrace shadow and light and use both.
As Roethke said in The Waking”: I learn by going where I have to go.”
xxooo & happy Solstice!
7 Meg Boone Dec 21, 2009
Just read this blog ( btw your blog makes me stop and remember to breath very good for the whole life thing) and had almost forgotten it was solstice & was instantly worried about finding a candle on my way home and how could I forget….etc. When I realized one of my students unexpectedly gave me a gift tonight including a beautiful pomegranate candle, which I will burn tonight knowing a gift was given in love & light & it’s light will warm my (surprise) solstice
In love & light
-Meg
8 Liz Dec 21, 2009
Oh Jen…
Once again you’ve spoken my truth so clearly it hurts.
To make a list I would need a different kind of mind. And a memory. Or notes.
Realizing I have none of these brings a certain sadness because making these lists is a little like recalling the jewels we’ve collected over the year. Remembering when and where they were found. The effort or ease with which they were won.
Reading all the lists that others have made, and trying to make my own, I feel as though I’m reaching into my pocket only to realize that my pocket has a hole, and that only a few of my treasures remain.
On the other hand, I know that these jewels have somehow left their imprint on me, and those who were part of their creation or discovery. Whether or not I can put my fingers on them, they are still out there shining.
Happy solstice!
9 Jennifer Dec 22, 2009
Aren’t we smart chicks who are learning a lot as we live? I’m very very proud to be read by women like you!
To light and dark and learning!
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11 Catherine Rohde Dec 22, 2009
I want to be where I am and what I am doing and not two or three steps ahead into what might be next.
When I slow down and focus, the task at hand gets done twice as fast.
12 Deanna Dec 22, 2009
Jen, your year end thoughts resonate very much with me as well!
To want what I have and to love what is here, even when it’s hard.
A year and a half ago, I read one of your blogs:
“I am all of this
(How about you?):
The itch and the scratch
the ache and the achievement
the choking rage and the “I see your point”
the desire to make a difference and
the desire to put my head under the covers
the love in his eyes and the longing in mine
When did we ever learn that we have to put down what’s in one hand to
embrace what’s in the other?
Now is the time to hold it all,
hold the fullness and
drop the struggle.
We are all of this. And more. ”
It speaks to your year end learning very much and has given me much comfort and light over the last year and a half, as recently as 2 days ago!
Thank you for sharing your insights and encouraging us to continue to love and learn!
Happy Solstice!
13 char Dec 22, 2009
my biggest learning was from you. . . . thinking we’re alone is one great big fat huge lie.
we are never alone.
i also didn’t realize we were at the end of a decade.
somehow that makes this learning even bigger for me as i take it into the next decade.
thank you – feeling very humbled by this concept.
14 Karen Talavera Dec 22, 2009
Hi and Merry Christmas Jen! I hope you feel fully recovered soon.
My life insight for 2009 was “focus on what you want and persist”. To see things through to the end, especially through the hard parts.
Much love to you and yours and looking forward to seeing how we all blossom in 2010!
15 kathy hagen Dec 22, 2009
Yes, Jen, yes! The simplicity is a sign of just how wise and valuable this is. I love the learning…and the decision about how to set goals. Wise, my friend, wise. Thank you for sharing! Blessings to you and yours (and all of us) in the New Year!
Kathy
16 nancy Dec 22, 2009
Corinthians 13:13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
What I learned in 2009:
That we don’t need to choose one of the above; we need all three.
17 pixie Dec 22, 2009
Mmm.
My takeaway is that less is ALWAYS more, that fear *does* serve a purpose and when I can stand in it and breathe, I can stare it down and let it tell me it’s piece, and that my resistance to self-care must surrender.
I have always learned so much from you! I’m so grateful for your teachings, wise and wild woman.
18 Jennifer Dec 22, 2009
Thanks Pixie, Nancy, Kathy, Char, what wonderful learners you all are.
Deanna, you gave me such a thrill quoting me back to myself. It reminds me that I do know something, I am learning, too!
Catherine, i could not agree with you more – one thing at a time and really concentrating is another learning for 2010.
19 Peggy Dec 22, 2009
You can depend on no one but yourself. Nothing is forever. You can’t change anyone but yourself, and even that is a challenge. I’m perfectly in sync with all that everyone has said so far, but sometimes I get so weary of looking on the bright side.
20 Sandi Delia Dec 22, 2009
Hi Jen,
This was the year my father was diagnosed with cancer, my husband had reconstructive elbow surgery, I had a small little breakdown from trying to hold it all together, my husband’s aunt suddenly died, my husband broke three toes in his foot, and I decided that doing a deep dive into refined sugar had to be the answer. It wasn’t.
While I’m not in a hurry to repeat 2009, I would not give away what I’ve earned…which is the value and necessity of rest, knowing and accepting my limitations, and most importantly that I can not do it all, be it all, or have it all.
Great question, as always!
Sandi
21 Suzyfein Dec 23, 2009
My takeaway from 2009, to build on in 2010 is:
“Nothing is wrong with me any longer.”
This is from Sri Nisargadatta’s teachings, and the teachings of Tara Brach. I want to stop being so hard on myself. Stop seeing myself as bad, or wrong. Stop trying to be perfect.
22 Monica Dec 23, 2009
This year, I learned that you can give someone gifts of great value, but if they don’t “see” the value, your gift is not wanted or liked.
And I have something to say here that will sound horrible, so please hang in there with me as I explain, but first, here it comes:
I want my gifts back.
Please don’t tsk, tsk. Here is the explanation.
It makes me cry to think of those sparkling works of art and love and spirit that I gave — treasured things, gorgeous and inimitable, that now sit on a forgotten shelf in someone’s attic, lonely, unappreciated, unrecognized, gathering dust, waiting to be tossed, lost, or broken.
And yes, I was writing about actual gifts I gave this year… vintage alabaster boxes, antique rare books, hand-painted “objects trouve’”…. but my heart, suddenly hurting, knows the real story here.
I’m writing about me.
I gave my SELF with every lovingly wrapped treasure I passed along this year.
And I want “me” back.
They can keep the alabaster box, the archival books from 1885, the rare jazz recording …. but I want want back …. me.
I gave lovely gifts to someone this year who thought of them what they think of me, which, I finally see, is –
Not much at all.
And that’s ok — we all like and need different things. I’m just not “it” for this particular person. So be it.
But now, I need to take myself off that forgotten attic shelf, dust off the cobwebs, and place myself in the light. I need to go to someone who likes what they see, and is glad to have it.
So, 2009 taught me that I cannot make people value me, or even see me for who and what I really am, but that also, I really, really, really need someone in my life who can, and does.
Ah, Jen. You always bring me to see what’s in my own heart — things just out of reach of my conscious awareness, but so important for me to know. How do you do that?
YOU area treasure, a sparkly ruby, Ms. Jen.
Love and thanks,
M
23 carolyn Dec 23, 2009
I’ve learned (and am still learning) to watch how I choose or refuse happiness in each moment. I realize I choose the thoughts I think, or at least the ones I ponder and revisit, the stories I tell myself, the way I interpret my experiences. It all affects my happiness. I consider each thought an experiment, and I always have the ability to choose again.
24 Alice Dec 23, 2009
I have learned that I am not the person I was before I retired seven years ago. I had a wonderful vocation, teaching college. When I went back this year, I realized I don’t want to tell people what to do, especially if they don’t want to do it and I have a certain kind of power over them.
25 Jennifer Dec 23, 2009
Monica, I would love all those sparkly things – especially you! I have had those EXACT same experiences. I, in fact, used to seek out people who rejected me as friends. The “difficult” women. I don’t do that anymore, at least not very often. I love what you discovered.
Carolyn, a choice I am making too!
Alice, of course you aren’t the same person. Of course you no longer what to force or coerce people to learn. Will you teach in some other way, like adults who want to learn?
Peggy, I get weary of looking on the bright side. There is value in seeing the darkness as well as the light. You do not need to be chipper here – at all!
Suzy, yes to Tara’s teachings! Hugely important to me.
Sandi, I know that feeling of getting through a rough patch and thinking, “Well, that sucked but boy, did I milk it for learning!” There is a deep pride and self-trust that grows out of these dark times. Pats on the heart for making it through.
LOVE LOVE LOVE
26 Elizabeth Sweeney Dec 23, 2009
To me, 2010 is about looking forward to what has been gained
instead of looking back at 2009 at what has been lost. Sure it’s nice to cherish the memories of my mom and dad, but they lived their lives and I need to LIVE mine and challenge and engage myself and my gifts!
27 Melody Dec 24, 2009
To be grateful for the learning – it has been huge in 2009.
This year has been the end of a decade, then end of a 9 yr cycle, the end of a job contract that I have loved doing, the end of being ‘Mum’ to a secondary school student, the end of living where I have for the past 7 yrs and probably most importantly, the end of the old me!
I have re-intentioned myself for this next 9 yr cycle, new job, new home, renewed life… I am looking forward to how that evolves.
In each moment I request the pleasure of my own company as a witness filled with love and gratitude for all that I will receive.
It seems you will be along for the journey – thank you for your company!
Bless-sings for Christmas and the New Year!
Melody
28 Laney Dec 26, 2009
Hi Jen,
What I’ve learned is that it’s ok to protect my heart & speak my truth; to eat well, practice yoga & exercise; to take a chance; to grieve; to trust; & to love.
Thank you Jen for your all your posts, for the encouragement you give & the honesty you share.
Love, peace & health in the new year & decade!
29 Mary C Dec 28, 2009
Everything in life boils down to relationships… with others, with Nature, with tools and objects, and with the self. It’s the way we interact within these relationships that makes one’s life experiences. It seems – for women at least – that the one relationship we tend to discount is the one we have with the self. Whenever we find ourselves putting our selves last on the list of things to do, our happiness will suffer! The old airline crew line applies here in this lifewalk… put your own oxygen mask on first, and then you’re better equipped to assist those around you!
30 Shawna R. B. Atteberry Dec 30, 2009
I’m a little late on this one. We spent Christmas in OK with my family, and I was offline for a whole week (it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be).
My life lessons from 2009 are:
I can trust myself (Thanks Jen!).
Praying The Daily Office centers me and heals me (Thanks Benedictine nuns at Mount St. Scholatica in Atchison, KS and Episcopal nuns at the Order of St. Helena in Augusta, GA!).
Self-care is not optional (Thanks Jen!) and neither is sacred music (Thanks Fabeku!).
I will be sovereign over my own realm (and let other people worry about their realms instead of me meddling [Thanks Hiro!]).
All of these will be my Life Insights going into 2010 along with: I will finish that damn book, damnit! (Thanks Ronna and Havi!)
Happy New Year everyone!
31 Andrew Lightheart @alightheart Dec 30, 2009
I’m just glad that
a) I wasn’t the only one not to realise that it’s the end of the decade.
b) I’m not the only one who can’t do a year’s round up post because I can’t *remember* what happened.
I think if I had a lesson, it would be something around permission.
Eep. Am I the only guy commenter?
Is that ok?!
32 Jennifer Dec 30, 2009
YES Andrew, I was feeling grateful for your guy presence on my blog just this morning. I’m glad you are here and I’m super glad we are united in having no memory.
Elizabeth, I so hear you about living your own life. YES!
Melody, so glad we are on this adventure with each other.
Laney, it is okay – more than okay – to do all those things that help you be you.
Mary C, well said! So true, my relationship with myself.
Shawna, so very happy to have connected with you this year and into 2010 and beyond! Finish the damn book at the Writer’s Retreat!
33 Life Insights from 2009 I’m taking into 2010 » Shawna R. B. Atteberry Dec 31, 2009
[...] at The Comfort Queen, Jen wanted to know what Life Insights–what we learned this year–we were going to take [...]
34 audrey Jan 2, 2010
reading all of these comments has resonated in my soul and all touched me in some way. a year ago i thought i was dying of ovarian cancer and that allowed me to look at things alot differently. i too learned to protect my heart and speak my truth. it was not accepted very well by many of my family. almost everything in my life has now changed drastically or disappeared completely. so many changes has been very difficult to adjust to at 67. having this kind of support has made the difficult transitions much easier – not the transitions but the inner strength to keep on going and doing what i can do each day. faith,love and hope are so very important too. i have decided not to stay anywhere i am not accepted for who i am,or appreciated, no matter what. yesterday was a very hard day for me and i almost gave up on myself and my dreams. reading all of this today has given me back my courage and determination to fulfill my dreams. i thank you all for writing and saving me from the pit of despair. i am now happy with who i am and what i have.
good luck and best wishes to all of you in the coming year.
35 Polly Jan 2, 2010
Jen…I just love you as you (hopefully) know…you put into words what I already know…kind of a sacred remembering.
Your way of seeing the world has helped me turn what could have been the most difficult four months of my life into the richest…thankyou. For those who are reading who don’t know the details I want to honour Jen…so it included my partner losing their main income through betrayal of friends which meant OUR main income went, a serious house fire followed by me sleep walking out of a window causing serious injuries and then the death of our three week old foster grand-child and her funeral on Christmas eve. Jens teachings have helped me stay grounded and able to spot the gold in the darkness….Jen thankyou!
Polly
36 Shawna R. B. Atteberry Jan 4, 2010
I would love to come to the writer’s retreat, but I don’t think we’re going to have the finances. We’ve had to put out a pretty huge sum of money for the business we own with my father-in-law, and we’re also looking at a hefty tax payment. But I am putting it down for 2011! I want to come so much! Hopefully I’ll be able to make it to a Havi retreat in 2011 too.