Each week for as long as I’m digging it, I’ll share my responses to some of the Life Organizer questions – my most recent book. We do this together at the Comfort Cafe every week. If you tool over to the Life Organizer site, you can download all the questions for free.
Sometimes, the pain of being divorced swamps me.
It’s been two and half years.
I’m in love with an incredible man.
My daughter is doing really well.
My ex and I are kind to each other and, these days, seldom tussle over sharing our sweet girl.
And still, there are moments when not being a family with Chris and Lilly feels so unreal that I am pulled down into uncharted gray, a sucking morass of should haves and if onlys, and mostly just a big long noooooooo.
My most recent swamping was triggered by my thoughts at a friend’s 50th birthday party.
Watching the sweet slide show her husband had made of her life – seeing the pictures of Mel and John in their thirties – pierced me.
One of the greatest losses – beside being with my daughter full time – is the unbroken history.
What I find astonishing, and this is my odd ability to hold two opposites at the same time, is how happy I can be that I am building a new history with Bob, how beautifully suited we are to each other – at the same time – I mourn my shared history with Chris and Lilly.
Sometimes holding both opposites makes me dizzy.
I’m very thankful – hand over my heart grateful – Bob understands.
What I didn’t know before I got divorced is the divorce never ends.
There are new nicks and cuts and severances all the time; the big one is every time I hand Lilly off.
When the sadness swamps me,
I watch my thoughts and feelings and remember they are not me; I nap; I give myself a yoga class (thank God for sobbing during hip openers!); hold Bob; and I put one creative foot in front of the other.
What do you do when you’re swamped by sadness? How do you take care of yourself?
The Life Organizer Questions for
Week 43
How are my minimum requirements doing these days?
Minimum requirements are from The Life Organizer, and are the activities that keep you in contact with your heart, your truth, and help you be you. (You can get a free audio here that goes into more depth about Minimums).
You certainly don’t always do these activities – but by knowing what they are, you have a way of charting how far from yourself you are moving. They do change – with the seasons, your age, and your desires.
My current minimums are a bit of yoga and meditation and chanting, time outdoors, fun time with Bob, alone time with Lilly, reading the forums at the Comfort Cafe, creative fiction writing, and messing with art stuff.
What secret grace might I offer the world this week?
Leaving a copy of one of my books at the Microsoft women’s conference where I’m speaking on Wednesday with an anonymous wish inside for someone to take it and enjoy!
What one small change might I like to make in what or how I eat this week?
Loving what I am eating these days but not how – could slow down and chew more.
I’m willing to receive:
Ease, health, and new wonderful friendships!
Related posts:
21 responses so far ↓
1 Hiro Boga Oct 26, 2009
Jen, your story moved me so . . . Thank you for sharing it so eloquently. You’re right–divorce, when you have children together, is an ongoing, unfolding story rather than a singular event. Our hearts mourn the loss of that other life in which the marriage was to last forever.
I’m glad you have Bob, and the wisdom to hold these opposites of love, delight, sorrow and loss in both hands.
When sadness swamps me, I curl up in a comforting cocoon of quilt and blanket and give myself the gift of grief. I let it flow. I cry, and stroke my own cheeks, and wrap myself in love and let the sadness flow without hanging onto it or pushing it away.
Eventually, it changes. Sometimes into something soft, tender and open. Sometimes into buoyancy.
Much love to you,
Hiro
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3 Rene' Oct 26, 2009
Jen, you caught me at the bottom of the sad swamp…my son just moved this past weekend from our hometown to a new city for a new job. He has had a rough year (some depression, got fired from a job he loved, etc) and I am praying so hard that this move and this new opportunity will be right for him. He did not really want to leave (home, friends, familiarity) but knew that he had to. My son is 25, so he’s going through the typical mid 20′s angst, and doing some destructive things (smoking, no exercise, etc) that are not good for him and make the situation worse. I want to fix it all for him so he will be happy and successful, but I can’t. He has to find happiness within himself.
Letting go is so hard. Thanks for listening….
4 Michele Oct 26, 2009
Rather then seeing it as broken history, can you see it as changed history? If divorce never ends – the relationship with Chris never ends; and it won’t because you share a daughter and likely grandchildren. Hold the ‘new’ relationship as part of your holding and ‘create’ a new history. A new history with Chris AND Bob and Lilly.
5 Jennifer Oct 26, 2009
Rene, having a hard time with my 15 year old right now – so can relate to wanting to fix it all! I find myself swamped with anger at her choices this morning which helps nobody.
Michele, that is how I hold it most of the time. Doesn’t stop the sad and regret and wishing it were different from coming along… just does!
And Hiro, as always, so beautiful and wise you are!
6 Mahala Mazerov Oct 26, 2009
Oh Jen, your writing is so direct, I feel that sadness with you. I didn’t know divorce was like that, only saw continuing pain in my friends, even though the had “moved on” in beautiful new ways, as you have.
Confronted by my own sad swamps, I let myself feel, gather lots of love into myself, and let the tears flow.
With that, in the middle of that, I send out little heart beams of love to everyone. Sadness is universal. But so is love.
7 A small aside on being one of the Divorced Club « The Secret Life Of Worm Hill Oct 26, 2009
[...] writes, “What I didn’t know before I got divorced is the divorce never ends” and she accounts for the sadness that sometimes swamps her [...]
8 chris zydel Oct 26, 2009
Dear Jen,
Your post was so beautiful, so moving, so raw and true. Thank you for sharing, as always, your deep heart.
I have been dealing with a lot of aging body stuff recently and have been feeling “swamped” by the sadness around getting older and losing my younger body.
And what I do is all I can do… which is to feel the sadness. Sometimes I write or do art. And it helps to talk with someone who I know loves me.
But often I’m too sad to do much more than cry. Or just mope around. And try as much as possible to give myself the space I need to have those feelings.
And even though I know, on some level, that feeling really is enough, I’m often quite resistant. I just don’t want to do it.
And really surprised that when I DO make space and allow myself to just be present with compassion for myself, the predictable miracle happens and the sadness shifts and transforms.
Until the next time.
Much love to you during your tender time,
Chris
9 Lea Howell Oct 26, 2009
Thank you Jen…..for reminding us that it is okay to be swamped with sadness. I feel like I was not “allowed” to really mourn my Mom’s death. I heard things like, “you can’t do anything about it now……..you can’t bring her back……what good does it do to be sad…..you have no control over what happened”. But then, one of my dear friends said to me, “I can’t believe you lost your Mom the weekend of your daughter’s wedding……and I can’t believe you are still standing up and trying to smile”. I thank God for the ability to help me smile during one of the happiest and saddest times in my life…..and I thank Him for comforting me through my sadness, WHENEVER it comes upon me. I like to read Psalms when I am sad…..there are such great truths written there to help me!
10 Kay Weiser Oct 27, 2009
Dear Jen……….your recent blog deeply resounded within me. My former husband and I divorced when our kids were in their late teens. Fast forward 20 or so years and the “broken” family syndrome sometimes still rears its head. But now, our family is re-invented and as a result probably more complex and deeper. We are more honest now and no one is pretending or posturing.
Divorce is a death. Allowing oneself to go through the healing steps of loss helps. That process continues to spiral as all healing does.
11 Shawna R. B. Atteberry Oct 27, 2009
I’ve been swamped by sadness in not being able to write and just being lethargic. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do, I just cannot write.
I’ve decided that I need to pay more attention to moving everyday instead of sitting in front of the computer. Minimum self care includes yoga and getting outside.
12 pam Oct 27, 2009
Wow… thank you! you’ve put into words the struggle I’ve been going through during my divorcing process. Not having access to support from family, not having friends who have gone through this, not having a resource to turn to for support during my divorce has left me not entirely sure what’s going on in the process. Like you I have times where, when I hand off my children, I am swamped with “what ifs and if onlies” of the loss of what was. Yes, I’m happier now, for the most part… and I’m hopeful that, although my marriage didn’t work out, and I’m coming to the dawning conclusion that perhaps my current relationship isn’t going to be what I want, things are changing and I am coming into my own again. It’s hard, because everyone seems to figure that you should just “get over it” and not mourn, that things like having to hand over your children, having to ask for support payments, and even watching your former significant other move on without you while you aren’t sure how to put yourself together are really non-issues or “all in your head”, that its one piece of paper signed and forgotten instantly…
Its nice to know that I am not the only one who sometimes struggles… it gives strength to know that even in the depths of a swampy messy feeling, you know that you’re not alone and that this is normal..
13 Jennifer Oct 27, 2009
Thank you all for creating such spaciousness for our sadness, for our truth, at any given moment. How sweet is that? I feel so much less alone.
14 char Oct 27, 2009
Jen:
Your shared so beautifully from the heart about the continuiing nicks, bumps and bruises from your divorce.
Though I haven’t been divorced, I can just imagine those unexpected after effects and how jolting they must be.
And making room for the sadness- that’s so very hard to do AND it helps so much when I make room for those feelings that are screaming to be heard, that I’ve silenced in the past – as well as those little tiny feelings that are too afraid to come out – and everything in between.
That’s what I’m taking away from this – to make room in my heart and my being for those feelings that are the hardest for me to own and not do anything about them other than to keep making space for more of them to come through.
Permission to feel . . . . all of it. . . . that’s what I shoot for. . . . with a big shot of courage too.
I have a feeling that by clearing this space, unexpected things will happen that will ease some of the pain of those nicks and bruises.
I’m constantly amazed at your courage to be honest with what’s really true for you – you’re an inspiration to me.
15 Goddess Leonie Oct 27, 2009
Bless you dearest Jen. Your words are so filled with grace.
16 Esse M. Oct 27, 2009
Dearest Jen,
I haven’t had time to really read e-mails until tonight. I didn’t know about your divorce. I’m sorry. I divorced 15 years ago but have a new love, a new man, a new life and it so tops my previous. The kids – well that’s another story. My prayers are with you.
Among all that “happy, happy, joy, joy” life throws you a reality check. My Dad took ill on August 13th and we were told he only had a 20% chance of survival. I cried and mourned him then. A very deep sad swamp, with sobs that jerked my innards until I hiccoughed.
Yet, he survived the surgery, went to an acute care facility, recovered and then, another life threatening event. This happened four times, near death, doctors and surgeons amazed, he survived. Now, 74 days later, he finally gave up the ghost. With each of his resurrections, I had hope that he’d make his goal of living to 80. After seeing him slowly decline since 9-11-09, I reconciled that each day was precious and may be the last day he breathed, or looked into my eyes, or smiled at me.
Today, the day after he passed, I have no more sadness, only a veil of relief. Comforted and at peace that he’s finally at rest, pain free, no more suffering and with his Maker. He was my world, MY Daddy, my children’s grandpa and my grand-daughter’s greatest Pop.
Tonight to invoke some catharsis, I listened to his favorite operas, classical music and ballads to dare invite another session of sadness but I find that I cannot cry anymore. The funeral is Thursday – my Dad never cried at either of his parents funerals. I’m afraid I’m going to be the same. My sad swamp dried up!
Anyway, that’s what’s up with me. I’ll will be seeing him in all the old familiar places…(he sang that to Mom when he recovered from the first spell). Even that didn’t choke me up. I think I’ll be okay.
Hugs, Esse
17 Beth Maloney Oct 28, 2009
Jen,
Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. Sadness is a sorrowful companion that I have spent incredible amounts of energy and time trying to avoid, yet it lingered waiting to be examined.
When I found the courage to look in the heart of MY sadness, I discovered a relationship to “expectations” that I carried of what Marraige “should” look like.. and what family “should” look like. Recognizing the wonderful parts of what is, and letting go of the fantasy of what I “expected” has greatly diminished the sadness I carry.
18 Linda Oct 28, 2009
My Father died on October 7th of this year. He spent the past 2 years in a nursing home, slowly declining, so I can relate to the sense of relief. I am also often overwhelmed with “Whys, what ifs”. My parents divorced many years ago, my Mom still holds bitterness for him, so it is so healing that you are able to give Lily the gift of your willingness to stay open in this new blending of family. My Mom’s ongoing illnesses are no doubt a result of the years of her refusal to forgive, him and herself. I have lost a Father, and in many ways my Mother as well. I don’t even dare share the news of his passing or my grief with her. Doing my best to practice “loving kindess” but some days it is hard. I have been avoiding the sad swamp. Oh I know it is there, I feel like I am circling it daily. Just so afraid that if I dip one toe in I will be soon at the bottom of it with a rock tied to my feet. Thank you Jen for providing a safe place to open our hearts, and show our wounds.
Namaste
19 Mary Jo Oct 29, 2009
Jen,
Your post moved me so very deeply. Thank you for your willingness to let us in on your struggles and triumphs.
Love,
Mary Jo
20 Jennifer Oct 29, 2009
Oh Esse and Linda, my heart goes out to you. Wish I could give you a big long hug. Let us all look for the good, the delight, the light no matter what. Thank you for your kind comments, too. Thanks everybody.
21 Laney Oct 31, 2009
Jen, I wish my parents had put that much thought & care toward me & my sister when they were getting divorced. Your daughter is lucky to have a mother who is present in her life- physically & emotionally. She’ll appreciate it more when she is older. She’ll remember how you were there for her, comforting her, putting her needs first. Once again, your honesty has touched my heart. Thank you!