Hanging out with my friends of the heart Mark Silver, Molly Gordon and Michele Lisenbury Christensen this weekend, we got to talking about what I do and how it helps women.
These wise folks said things like “You help women be effective in the world” and “Comfort is a quality of the Divine, it’s the foundation” and “If it’s killing me, then it’s killing the world.”
Wow. Okay. YES!
And then this one:
Women get into a cycle of depletion and they’re afraid to step out of it, because then they would be freed up to actually take action on what they really want. They are positive they won’t be able to create their heart’s desire. So they stay busy or scattered or overcommitted so they never have to try.”
This one landed like a slap across my face.
I do this!
I hate to admit it but I do.
See I have an ancient, crusty legacy of shame around my creative work.
I have an old stinky story of being a failure.
A public failure.
The stinky shame dates from when I did an Edith Ann impression (a Lily Tomlin character for those of you too young to remember) on stage in front of my whole school and you could see my breasts through my white shirt and I got heckled.
I think high beams were mentioned.
I was in 5th grade.
Did I mention it was in front of the whole school?
I’ve got a lot of stories like that – stories of wildly creative out-going kind-of-loud Jen launching herself at the world and things not. Always. Going. So. Well.
What creative person doesn’t have these stories, right?
I’m 47 now and I’ve done a ton of healing around this and even let my desire to murder my 7th grade English teacher go (that’s another story).
Only I didn’t see until now that
when my creative shame gets triggered, I kick off a depletion cycle to end all depletion cycles.
It’s like I want to prove I’m a untalented goof and so I exhaust myself by launching too many projects, hiring the wrong folk, miring myself in endless details that do need to get done (thank you very much) but I suck at details so that makes me feel more ashamed plus there is no time for real creative work which would restore my sanity.
But I’m afraid to stop the cycle because then I’ll have the time to replenish and do creative work but what if it sucks again? Better to stay busy!
Stunningly diabolical!
Michele said, “Women are ashamed to need comfort and support and love to be able to thrive.”
I would add, “We have to build the trust and heal the shame that tells us that if we get comfort and rest and ease, we’d better by damn prove we were worth it.”
So this week I’ll be loving watching my story that depletion is the punishment for being a failure, and must be maintained to keep future failure at bay.
What about you? Is depletion the story of your life these days? If so, maybe it’s just because life is crazy busy and soon you will get some time to rest, maybe a retreat?
Or are you caught in a washing machine of depletion and you feel like you can never get out?
If so, tell me more! Me thinks this could be juicy conversation.
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28 responses so far ↓
1 Lee Jan 25, 2010
I can’t believe it, that’s exactly it. EXACTLY IT. I feel like I’ve been physically hit upside the head. For that I thank you. Brilliant. Must share. Have a wonderful week and thanks so much for the insight!
2 Kate Jan 25, 2010
This one really struck a chord for me. I don’t think I’ve felt rested and full of energy since I was a tiny child, if then. I hate how busy I am, but I also recognise that the busyness keeps me from doing even scarier stuff!
3 cynthia Jan 25, 2010
Oh yes, keeping so busy I feel there’s no time for creative projects!
4 Vanessa Jan 25, 2010
Sweet baby Jesus in the manger, you nailed it. I also love your Edith Ann story. The first job I ever wanted was being Gilda Radner. Seriously. I STILL have SNL dreams.
I have been busy for the last three and a half years. I mean, I don’t think I’ve sat down in that long. I get hell bent on doing things and succeeding lest it be proven I can’t do something. I work two jobs, volunteer on two boards, raise a kid, blah blah whine whine. I deplete to the point of completely feaking out and having a 5 year old style meltdown and then pick myself up and go about my business. Yes, diabolical indeed.
For whatever reason, I never bought the retreat book. I did that this weekend. It became as necessary as buying milk for the house.
5 Wulfie Jan 25, 2010
This is so right on. Surprised me because I didn’t see it till you said it. I think I’ve spent my whole life running at a full tilt boogy taking care of other people’s stuff and keeping so busy that somewhere in there, I forgot me. I forgot so deeply that I wasn’t even sure there was a ‘me’.
Lately I’ve woken up to myself and it’s scary. I don’t know what to do with it really. Which is funny because I always know what to with and for others. So I’ve commited this year, especially the next 90 days, to getting to know me. It’s just a seed right now but with some watering and sun I think it might grow into something…cool. haha see that? I can’t even say something ‘great!’.
Right now it’s all new to me so it’s just little thing that are helping me to see/feel/explore/celebrate ‘me’. A cup of my favorite coffee, going to bed a little early, taking a nap even if that means my brain won’t shut up and I’ll just lay there relaxing my body. Oh and drawing. I’m drawing and surprising myself with new self talk like: Wow, that’s pretty good. Or: Cool. I did it!
I still have to ‘make’ myself do these things for me. I still feel like I’m wasting time or should be doing other things or…I’ll drop what I’m doing and go do that other thing just so I can feel alright doing this new thing. It’s a trip, that’s for sure.
6 Gail Jan 25, 2010
Oh my gosh, Jen, you’re telling my life story – minus the breasts in 5th grade!
I’ve also been noticing lately all the ways I find to surround myself with work and beliefs and fears that deplete me. And I so often seem to feed myself to the depletion rather than replenishing . . perhaps out of some misguided assumption that I don’t deserve better than I’m giving myself.
It seems to me some major self-nurturing is in order. Actually, I decided late last week it was time to STOP doing the things I don’t do well – or even care to do anymore – and find inexpensive ways to pass them on to others who do them far better than I. I’ve also started looking into how I can take better care of myself – without losing an arm and a leg . . which in the end wouldn’t be the least bit good for me.
Thanks for sharing this my friend. It’s so good to know we’re on the same page, and that we’re both taking care.
Much love – gail
7 Julie Roads Jan 25, 2010
JEN! This is so beautiful and so poignant. Yes. The answer is YES. I’m in the middle of a divorce right now that I initiated (which has crowned me the DEVIL in the eyes of family and friends – even though I left because I was unhappy and the relationship was not healthy).
My depletion is showing up in my believing that I’m not worth my own self-care. That I don’t deserve a hair cut, a safe place to live, time to take pleasure in life – because I should be suffering for being so brave to make a dramatic change in my life, to make my life better.
I try to remind myself every day that I’ve done something courageous. That I’m full of power. That I deserve goodness. Funny that you’ve made the connection to creativity, because mine was being smothered which is one of the reasons I left.
Thank you for writing this…for sharing. I’m sure your impression was dead-on…and that your breasts were absolutely beautiful and those punks couldn’t handle it, so they had to be assholes to cope. Like hitting the boy we had a crush on. Regardless, I get that it hurt and still hurts, and I’m sorry and ONWARD and UPWARD!!!
8 Emma Newman Jan 25, 2010
Wow. Great timing.
I am wrestling with this at the moment. I need to support my family, so I write for businesses. All I want to do is write creatively, and support myself through that. Pipe dream at the moment, but I’m getting increasingly resentful of how the money earning activities are totally depleting me.
Incidentally, I became a total workaholic in the latter half of my post-natal depression – like it was a coping mechanism to rechannel my attention from all the stuff I simply couldn’t cope with at the time. It was just another kind of depletion though.
Humpf…. consideration needed methinks…
9 paige Jan 25, 2010
Today I had a clear diary (miracle) and have been freaking out because it is just sooo hard to just sit with thinking and planning my real life work without getting back into the busy monkey mind thang…. Your words were just the tonic I needed. Thanks a bunch!
10 Amy Jan 25, 2010
The truth of your words echo loudly for me on many levels. Thank you for speak it and sharing your story. Just more evidence of why I think you ROCK!
Amy
11 Raven Jan 25, 2010
Woot! Women, rise up. I love this time.
12 Lori Jan 25, 2010
My friend Lee just shared this with me, and I am just home from a business conference where I spent all my time with inspiring women. It was rejuvenating and eye-opening for me. I too am a ‘busy’ person with no time to even think sometimes. I feel drained at the end of some weeks (depleted!). I go from thing to thing and wonder, “what have I accomplished this week?” I’ve decided this is a new beginning point for me and I’m going to see my results, not just work and work towards them. I lucky that my new job involves interacting with other groups of women and hopefully I will spark some positive change for someone else.
Thanks for this!
13 Jennifer Jan 25, 2010
My heart spins and jumps and celebrates with these comments and each of your brave forays into life.
@Julie, I was divorced almost three years ago and I so get the story that goes with it. My husband left me, mostly, and that brings its on shit. Keep fighting for you!
@Gail I can feel the change in you and I know focus and self-care will make it bloom.
@Wulfie, ahhhhhh… so inspiring.
@Lee i feel the same ping of YES I’m with you.
@Emma, I hope you will get physical and emotional support for Post-Partum yuckiness. Acupuncture, yoga nidra, cogntive therapy can be life changing.
@Vanessa, retreats as necc. as milk – love it! LOVE IT!
I love you all and I know I am off to do some more of what I preach!
14 Lynn @ human, being Jan 25, 2010
I know for a fact that one of the reasons my body has created Seasonal Affective Disorder is so I have a “legitimate excuse” to take care of myself. When I was a kid, I’d get stomach aches and stay home from school for the same reason: I’d get so stressed out and just need a day to do nothing (the best way I know to nurture myself). But instead of just taking the freaking day off of school (or work, now), I made a more acceptable reason to stay home.
I’ve always felt like I had to prove (wait, make that PROVE) that I’m deserving of the air I breathe, and somehow make legitimate my emotions and needs to others in a way that disses them in my heart.
It sucks.
15 Molly Gordon Jan 25, 2010
Oh Jen, you have surely made lemonade from the lemons of depletion. Whether busyness is a strategy to avoid the creative life or an amped-up attempt to create it all, all at once, it is a sure road to burn out.
We wouldn’t dream of driving a car without gas. But we drive ourselves without fuel all the time.
We can stop, once people like you help us become aware of the pattern.
And in my work helping self-employed people deal with all the bits of business they don’t love, I find breaking the depletion cycle key to being able to make a living. Until we learn to nourish ourselves we can’t step up and step out the way we need to in order to promote our work.
Thanks for another great post.
16 amy Jan 25, 2010
Yes yes yes, Jen, yes yes yes.
I so resonate with what you’ve said, and what the other powerful women have said in their comments here.
For me, I used mommying my babes nonstop round-the-clock as a way to mask how utterly miserable I was in my marriage. And the depletion that turned up as a result morphed into a sort of numbed-out zombie state, which lasted for years. I stayed in the zombie world because stepping out of my marriage and on my own shared me shitless.
Reclaiming myself and beginning a career that lights me up has started the thaw, but I suspect the damage runs deep and will take some time to fully be reversed, if that’s even possible.
Now I am splitting with my husband and we are both relieved that we can breathe again. And the kids are flourishing like never before. I am less and less depleted every day, and so unbelievably grateful to be free of the lie we were living. It’s painful and scary to be on my own, and yet the reminders from the zombie years are potent and I will NOT go back there again.
I’ve got retreats and solo time and journalling and all sorts of yummy self-care high on my agenda. Just back from a weekend with my best friends in the Bay Area. This medicine works!
Thanks for your wisdom and insight. And your bravery!
17 Teresa at MomsWhoSave.com Jan 25, 2010
Yeah, you nailed it. Nothing more to add to the other comments, but I’ve known this for a while. I just need to take some action!
18 Jen Jan 25, 2010
I know I’m in that cycle right now. This month I’ve launched ah let’s just say a lot of projects. Then this weekend WHAM! I’m done. I can’t move. I’m exhausted and guess what I’ve planned a hectic week this week. With that thought my stomach ached, my head ached and I went back to bed.
I thought I was taking care of myself. When I journaled about it, though I found my “taking care of myself” was giving myself time to take care of others! Just when you think you’ve got it, it evaporates somehow.
Oh well, back to the drawing board.
19 Maribeth Jan 25, 2010
“Michele said, “Women are ashamed to need comfort and support and love to be able to thrive.”
Wow, did this smack me upside the head. For me, it all goes back to my mom who always said I was the strong one, could handle anything, blah blah blah until I’m at the point that if I’m anything else, I’m ashamed and unable to ask for comfort or support or help. Not to lay everything on my mom – I have handled a lot of crap and kept my sanity but I have such a hard time asking for what I need, as if it’s some kind of character flaw to admit I need something from someone else.
And typically, I tend to remember those times I’ve asked for help/support/whatever and it hasn’t gone well rather than the times it’s been beautiful.
Awareness – such an incredible thing! Thanks for sharing Jen – you have such a way of waking me up in just the right way at the right time!
xoxo!
20 Sinclair Jan 25, 2010
This is really, really poignant and helpful. Ah, and the wording is really powerful too – “depletion cycle” is memorable and accessible, something I’ll actually remember the next time I’m in it. Thanks again!
21 Tweets that mention Choose Your Life Mondays – the Depletion Edition » Comfort Queen -- Topsy.com Jan 25, 2010
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Julie Roads, Jennifer Louden, Jennifer Louden, Jennifer Louden, Jennifer Louden and others. Jennifer Louden said: RT @ClearSpaceGal: Powerful & dead on, Jen. Thank you! RT @jenlouden Depletion, Lilly Tomlin, and creative shame http://is.gd/6ZUUU [...]
22 renee Jan 25, 2010
Once again, Ms Louden, you have drilled a hole into my brain and plucked out my thoughts.
Only you are able to articulate them in a fashion I haven’t been able to.
And this is why you are adored by millions.
xox!
23 Gayle Jan 25, 2010
If you were in high school, it would have been a different story (but I guess you wouldn’t have done Edith Ann). Fear of failure has kept me from doing so many things. I don’t want to look back at my life and see a list of regrets. I guess I wasn’t a very positive person in college, because my friend would always tell me there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. When we graduated, I gave her a plague that said “There’s a light at the end of the tunnel…and it’s a freight train going 90 miles an hour.” Thanks for being that light at the end of the tunnel!
24 Tweets that mention Choose Your Life Mondays – the Depletion Edition » Comfort Queen -- Topsy.com Jan 25, 2010
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jennifer Louden, Jennifer Louden, Molly Gordon, joannayoung, joy a and others. joy a said: RT @shaboom: Wound up & burned out? Read this spot-on post from @jenlouden on creativity & the depletion compulsion. http://ow.ly/10iq6 [...]
25 Susan Jan 26, 2010
Sometimes I feel like I must be the only selfish woman in America! Years ago, in another life when I was teaching and painting I made the not-so-astounding discovery that creativity took time and energy. A year or two later I read Germaine Greer’s “The Obstacle Course”. It’s all about how women’s lives can block their creativity and sucess. I decided I didn’t want to be my own worst enemy. I have always allowed myself the time, space and permission to be creative. I have allowed myself to grow and gain both competence and confidence. First in art, then in business and now writing.
I have had to make trade-offs but all in all I have had and continue to have a wonderful life. Good luck to from the most selfish woman in America.(Sounds like a catchy title for a blog!)
26 Linda Jan 26, 2010
I have bee dragging myself around for days, forcing everything I must do. Maribeth’s comment about her Mother really made me take notice. My Mother has been ill for as long as I can remember, and I have been her support system. She loves to tell her friends how wonderful and strong I am, how I take care of everyone. The few times I have put myself anywhere on the “list of things that need care” I have heard the not so subtle message from her and the nasty little brat in my head that I am being selfish. The message that I got from my mother as a child was that nobody likes a show off. Mom teases me about how someday she expects me to run away from home. If she only knew….It has taken me 5 years to finally get myself to a doctor to address some physical issues that I have been avoiding, if I break down who takes over? And her neediness leaves no room for me, and the last thing I want to be is like her. So, thanks Jen for reminding me that depletion is another way to self sabotage. Now, I am off to make a cup of tea and ignore the dishes in the sink! Tomorrow I see the doctor again, and will take care of my needs for a change.
27 Jennifer Jan 26, 2010
@Renee, hardly adored by millions but if you could arrange for that, I’d appreciate it.
@Gayle, I’m not the light, you are. Otherwise you couldn’t see mine.
@Susan – tell me about being selfish, I want to know more so I can pass it on.
@Linda – oh honey, I wish you boundaries with your mother and a crowbar to get that “selfish” voice out of your head. YOU ARE NOT SELFIsh. You are entitled to have a life of your own. What one thing could you do today for just you?
What wise women each of you are. Thank you for reading my words.
28 Jen and Dr. Jennifer Talk Soloprenuers, Hungry Ghosts, Distorted Auras & More: Part 1 » Comfort Queen Feb 3, 2010
[...] then takes a deep breath and wonders what she has gotten herself into) Jen, you know there are so many layers to feeling stuck and burned out. One layer is that I would have my clients look at their business in general and how it is [...]