I’ve been doing Choose Your Life Monday posts for awhile now. I’m too lazy to go check for how long – a year? I like spending a bit of time on Sundays thinking about how I want to choose my life in the next week and discussing that with you.
Over the course of Choose Your Life Mondays, I’ve blogged about being aware of various patterns, I’ve shared Life Organizer questions, and today, I’m in the mood to do something a bit different.
I want to talk about old patterns and shame.
Specifically how when we see an old familiar pattern – yet again – we (or maybe this is just me) might say something to ourselves like:
I can’t do anything about this pattern because look how long it has been here! Nothing works. Nothing has ever worked. Works for other people but not me. And I certainly can’t ask anybody for help with this again. Best thing for me to do? Stick my head in a vat of chocolate and forget about it.
Perhaps we could call this the I’m too Stuck to Ever Change pattern?
or the It’s Been Here Too Long to Ever Shift pattern?
or the I’m too Ashamed to Even Think About It pattern?
Or The ______ pattern (fill in your title of choice).
Except you know what?
Lots of the things you’ve done have worked – things have changed.
You have changed.
We – okay ME – too often throw the baby out with the bath water when we see an old pattern’s face at the door again.
We decide it means we are bad /screwed/an untouchable.
Or that meditation / eating more veggies / opening our hearts / doing yoga / journaling or whatever else we’ve been doing doesn’t work.
No.
It simply means we have more to learn.
And since learning is like the BEST thing about being alive then why oh why do we – okay ME – get so bummed when our familiar patterns show up?
Maybe because it means we’re human? Rather than Teflon coated uber super human?
Maybe because we need to give ourselves permission – yet again – to be who we are, experiencing what we experiencing, without adding a whole manure pile of judgment on top of our experience?
Maybe because we (mistakenly) thought we had arrived at that mythic done place where we were finally finished with this particular pattern. Forever. With a cherry on top!
If I’m going on like this you know an old pattern is yanking my door bell chain.
Thanks for asking.
It’s sticking with and finishing something difficult.
I have a life time pattern of giving up on difficult creative projects.
I did it in the 7th grade when I wrote, directed and produced A Rock-n-Roll Romeo and Juliet. I also wanted to star in it. But when it came time to audition myself, I freaked. And said, “Oh, no, I don’t really want to act in this.” I cast my best friend instead.
I did the same thing in film school when I wanted to direct and decided it was too hard. Why? Because I sucked at it. Or thought I did.
I did it as as screenwriter.
I’m sure there are other times too; I’m too tired to think of them all right now.
There is this hard, confused, frustrated, can’t-express-what-I-want-to-express place that I’ve reached over and over again in my creative life.
And often, when I’ve reached that places, I’ve quit (yes, even though I’ve written six books, those were easy or different somehow).
But now I’m at a stage in my life when I realize I don’t want to die without having made it through this place.
I want to slay the dragons of the gates of deeper work.
Or seduce them. Or hire them to help me.
I’m also seeing how this stopping when I get frustrated may be related to holding myself back, to hiding.
It’s very painful and so tender to see this pattern.
I am ashamed of it.
It’s so old.
And it’s a big fat lie that I haven’t shifted it – a little – over time.
I’ve earned lots of ways to be with it and work with it. I teach some of my favs at the Writer’s Retreat each year to great success.
It’s just that I now I am ready to work with this pattern in a deeper way.
So this week, I will be gently aware of how I stop myself during my deep creative work and I am going to practice being with that scared-stuck-painful place and not multi-tasking, or coming up with another, better, brilliant idea, or otherwise pinging off to avoid the discomfort.
I suspect this could be very difficult.
So wish me luck and perhaps, in the comments, tell me a little bit about one of your own old, familiar patterns.
It would be nice to feel less alone.
Related posts:
19 responses so far ↓
1 char Nov 16, 2009
Hey Jen:
I hear you and you are not alone. I have the same stuck-ness with getting my stuff out there.
And it’s really hard to remember that the things that I’ve done in the past like yoga, dance of shiva, meditating, exercise, eating well, really have moved me off the dime in the past.
I tend to discredit those things – if they worked, then why am I in this position?
And certainly no one else goes through this.
Just a great big line of crap there – when I say that no one else could possibly go through this, that’s when I know I’m on the wrong page.
Just as when I say that everyone else has this all figured out – how could I possibly know that?
I hear you 1000% here. And, for what it’s worth, you’re changing the world and have been doing so for years. So, look at that pattern as you’re looking at this one – and know that so many of us have deeply benefitted from your work – specifically, you talking about the parts that get you stuck.
We’re all stuck – in one way or another – at one time or another – whether we realize it or not.
And, likewise, we’re all moving forward.
You too.
xox
2 totally digging right now « Life Renewing! Nov 16, 2009
[...] the reminder from Jen Louden that when patterns come up once again, we simply have more to learn [...]
3 MES Nov 16, 2009
Wow! First of all I want to applaud you. Second of all, I want to thank you- this post arrived none too soon.
I guess I offer some cliche type responses but, ones that I feel have validity here: love the parts of yourself that you have a hard time loving, be kinder to yourself than you think you should, and treat the scariness as a friend or child you are taking out for coffee or an ice cream cone.
easy
gentle
breathe
be
All the best to you. You are doing great. Tx for blessing me with your sharing. MES
4 Julie Jordan Scott Nov 16, 2009
Wow. Wow. Wow. We are singing a duet or is it a wild song across humanity. This morning at, oh, somewhere around 3:30 AM I was singing this same song with my love… never once stopping to think, “Why am I awake at this hour singing this song?”
My love was talking about how “other people” in his life criticize his patterns. I said, “I hear it like this. You want to be heard. You want to be understood. Isn’t that what we all want? Universally? To be heard and understood? There is nothing wrong with that. It is a universal longing.”
The dragons of deeper work stand at the next level of our showing up to be heard and understood and valued when we speak and seek understanding or share understanding.
Why do we (why do I?) listen to those who wrongify what we do?
Most of the time I am pretty darn good at not listening and then last week I stumbled over a long-time block and even juicier, its source.
“I wasn’t heard, I wasn’t valued, I wasn’t understood and all this time I put the power in the “not” part of that equation.”
Holy cannoli!
I decided then to continue with revelling in the uncomfortable, making it my friend rather than something I run from.. because when I am uncomfortable, I am breaking through the bullshit jungle…. taking the power away from the stench and replacing it with the me-ness the world has been waiting to hear and understand.
Brava, Jen – for an inspirational, connective post.
(hoping “bullshit jungle” doesn’t get edited out…)
5 Ilene Nov 16, 2009
Good luck dearest Jennifer…of course. And patience and self-love and whatever you need to be kind to yourself as you stay with, work with, play with, your pattern.
When I read this I felt as if it were addressed to me. I am experiencing a painful pattern and feeling as if I haven’t ‘learned’ anything in all these years…but I have, and I am, and I will, and a good deal of that is thanks to you.
Ilene in Md.
6 Hiro Boga Nov 16, 2009
Dearest Jen, dragons guard all the major thresholds. It’s their job, as awakeners of potential.
Whenever they show up in my life, I know I’m in (yet another) liminal field. The boundaries of the known and familiar dissolve around me as I scramble for traction, with one foot in the realm of possibility, the other on the slippery soil of what was, but is no longer.
It’s the fear of death that the dragons breathe into our hearts. Fear of dissolving identity. Of who we will become.
So that’s one aspect of the encounter with dragons.
But there’s another.
You said that the six books you’ve written seemed different, somehow–easy. And yet, dragons are also protectors of our souls. So they head us off at the pass when we’re climbing the wrong mountain. Not because the mountain is wrong, but because it isn’t ours to climb, in this life.
Chances are, you’ve written that screenplay, starred in Rock-and-roll-Romeo-and-Juliet, in other, parallel dimensions. But in this one, you’re doing what you came here to do.
It’s painful to feel unable to give voice to the depths of your creative presence. I hear that, and hold a place of comfort and grace for you, as you hold it for so many of us along the way.
This journey is yours to make–all honor to your courage and willingness to meet the dragons and dissolve what separates you from them.
You’re not alone on this path. I’ll walk with you when you need a traveling companion, and there are so many others who walk with us.
Love to you,
Hiro
7 Cairene Nov 16, 2009
Old patterns. Oy.
One of the best things Havi ever said to me about patterns is “again” is the stuck talking (I would add “always” – as in “I always do this.”). Because it’s never the same, because we *are* learning – even if at a maddeningly slow pace. So kudos for recognizing it’s not a circle, even if the spiral is much larger than your liking.
And I *love* that you want to hire the dragons at the gate! To turn this around so the stuck serves you somehow (I don’t know what that would be, but I like the idea of it.)
And reading “I have a life time pattern of giving up on difficult creative projects.” struck a chord. Yours is your own variation, but I recognize the theme. I recognize the discomfort and the anticipation of difficulty.
Which for me would be the whole thing. A childhood of ease didn’t exactly prepare me for the challenges of adulthood and entrepreneurship and a creative life. If it’s not perfect and effortless the first go around, I have an existential identity crisis. I’m not supposed to have to roll up my sleeves and get dirty like other people…
Except I’ll never create/finish something worthwhile if I don’t. So I keep working on the pattern…
Wishing you luck. And fortitude. And clarity. You’re *so* not alone. [hug] -Cairene
8 Tweets that mention Choose Your Life Mondays – The Pattern Edition » Comfort Queen -- Topsy.com Nov 16, 2009
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jennifer Louden and HiroBoga, Julie Jordan Scott. Julie Jordan Scott said: from @jenlouden – Choose Your Life Mondays: Pattern Edition http://bit.ly/ckwKV [...]
9 Kelly Salasin Nov 16, 2009
Thank you Jennifer. I am so much appreciating your growing transparency–what a gift it is to all of us. I’ve shared this with a few key loved ones and posted in on facebook because I think shame is huge block for most of us.
On a related note, I just wrote this piece about my life’s debris and the jewels that are discovered in the raking: http://2owlscalling.wordpress.com/2009/11/16/the-beachcomber/
Peace, Kelly
10 Coach T.I.A Nov 16, 2009
Found your blog thanks to Lynn Hess on FB and boy is it ever timely. Of COURSE you’re not alone in this, no one ever is
We’re just lucky we get to find and support each other, yay.
I do get tired of going through the same things over and over again and thanks for pointing out that even though it’s the same, it’s not cos we HAVE grown and learned.
Was just thinking about how I’m exactly at the same place I was a year ago and how the heck did I get here again… till I saw your post and remembered that it’s a similar place (not the same) and I AM different now and have come a long way since a year ago.
Behooves me to go write down all the ways I have changed and progressed in the past 12 months, focus on what’s worked rather than lament being back ‘here’ again. Thanks again for sharing!
Tia @TiaSparkles
11 M.R.G. Nov 16, 2009
Dear Jennifer,
I want to thank you so deeply for writing this post! My mother gave me a copy of the Woman’s Comfort book this fall and it has helped me so much. As has reading this blog.
I had been feeling good lately, and then this weekend my patterns around relationships and fear of rejection surfaced with a vengeance. I was feeling so frustrated and disappointed, and wondering where all the “good work” had gone. I tend to externalize my successes and growth and internalize my challenges and mistakes.
How do we own each moment of our lives, and switch to a “Both/And” model instead of “Either/or”? As in, I am both making huge strides in handling relationships and loving myself, AND still working to unroot my negative stories?
I wish you patience and forgiveness and courage. I wish all of us that.
Love and Peace.
12 Spike Nov 17, 2009
I love this–”seducing the dragons at the gate.”
Can’t decide if I’m seeing Mata Hari or Jessica Rabbit in my head, singing”Hey Big Spender” to a pair of fire-breathing lizards who were expecting an epic battle with a fella in shining armor.
They’re confused! They’re bewildered! They’re in the middle of the stuck now!!!
And now I can slink past to get to the good stuff, to dip my hands in the earth’s flesh and bring back the gems waiting there.
13 Hope Evey Nov 18, 2009
I have a sneaking suspicion I’m in a similar place with respect to my writing. **hugs if they’re welcome**
14 Jennifer Nov 18, 2009
Oh lovely women, thank you for joining me. I have been wanting to report in that the dragons are seduced or bought off or something but I cannot. I can report that I have eeked a bit more writing out, that I stayed my desire to bolt, and I also did this in several meditation periods. That feels good to me. I must remember that small steps are both how growth happens AND the best way for the brain to sustain growth.
Thank you for sharing your fears and triumphs. More in another post – soon!
15 elizabeth Nov 18, 2009
I read somewhere (and I wish I remembered where so I could give them credit) that when you feel like you’re back in the same place again, to think of it like you’re moving up a spiral staircase. You might feel like you’ve been there before, but you’re just a little further up the staircase now – and it’s hard to miss that. Sometimes that thought helps me. (Sometimes it doesn’t, but ..) It does help me, however, to know that I’m not alone – so thank you for sharing your fears and successes.
16 Melanie Nov 18, 2009
Ooohh! I so want to be “Teflon coated uber super human!”
I’m exhausted working on it.
Thanks for the reminder to sit down and breathe.
I need that this week more than ever.
17 The Unmet Need of Bright Shiny Objects » Comfort Queen Nov 19, 2009
[...] me, that means learning to go deeper, focusing, staying with one thing even when my ego whines, “But I don’t want to [...]
18 Lydia, Clueless Crafter Nov 20, 2009
I do try to remember that progress happens in baby steps and falling back happens in a mudslide. I have matured in this way: Nothing is black and white. If thoughts that are unproductive to my new self creep in, I acknowledge them, sometimes fall pray to them, but then I forgive myself. I did not go all the way back to square one; I dabbled. So, I figure I am better off than before and that gets me to look positively forward.
19 Choose Your Life Mondays – The Honoring Edition » Comfort Queen Nov 23, 2009
[...] therapist and I discussed my unmet needs and my resulting Bright Shiny Object attraction, and she said, A teacher of mine said God gets pissed when you don’t honor what [...]