I usually share my responses to the Life Organizer questions on Mondays but I’m too stupefied to think so here is another kind of post entirely.
Cruising
No, not that kind.
Rather the kind of cruising where you insert yourself into a very large boat featuring a plethora of garish lighting fixtures, where copious amounts of food is abundantly available on several decks at (literally) all hours of the day and night and some kind of stupefying gas is piped through the air vents so that 2600 people circle somnambulantly through various musical dance productions of popular songs like Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head and endless bingo games using special daubers alternated by trivia games where a certain guest walks by and call out the answer (“Margaret Atwood”) much to the cruise director’s chagrin (“We’re trying to play a trivia game here”).
Sorry.
Cruising – who knew it was a verb?
I cruised to Alaska with my mom and sister.
It was a way for us to spend time together.
Only we weren’t fully up on what cruising entails.
We each entertained a rather different picture than reality (but ain’t that so often so?).
Mine was of endlessly breath taking scenery almost close enough to touch, long hikes, and lots of giggling time with my family.
My mom’s vision was getting dressed up and having conversations with lovely people and the captain, and giggling time with her girls.
My sister? I’ll have to ask her. Certainly involved giggling.
We did giggle and we did manage to get on a few short hikes in the glorious rain forest.
We did see countless glaciers, humpback whales, harbor seals (in a river – that was just plain weird: you are supposed to be in the ocean, guys) and a ton of massive eagles.
We certainly ate our weight in buffet food.
It was nice.
So why am I stupefied?
It’s my old struggle with vacationing. (Okay, and maybe the massive amounts of buffet food.)
I love active vacations with other people.
I like there to be some structure.
When there isn’t, I can feel a bit overly responsible and start to fret about everybody having a good time, and then I want to run away by myself and read. Which I need to do anyway as I tend to need a lot of alone time.
Only when I go away for alone, I feel a little guilty.
Then I don’t go away to read and I start to fret about not getting what I need on vacation and that I will come home tired and then how will I get all my work done and then I chew my own little squirrel tail off…
Ah, my old pattern of vacationing... self-loving sigh.
So instead of being a victim of my pattern this week
I watched my thoughts about what I should do and reminded myself these are just thoughts – not the truth; did bits of yoga; listened to Bob when he told me to enjoy myself; gave myself permission to be uncomfortable; went for a long walk on the deck listening to Krishna Das; spent time alone reading; mostly, I kept choosing life.
It was far from comfortable.
I wanted it to be different.
I want to be a carefree vacation all-you-can-eat-girl.
You know what? I am not.
(Just for the record, I am very fun at times. Silly funny. Good at physical humor and calling out the answer to trivia contests. I’m not like reading Nietzsche all the time, I swear.)
This week, I will talk with the part of me that gets freaked out on vacation (now that would have been a good thing to do while cruising- doh!).
I will forgive myself for being an uptight cruiser.
Actually, more accurately, I will accept that I am an uptight cruiser and laugh at myself with love.
How’s that for choosing life?
8 responses so far ↓
1 Deb Owen Sep 21, 2009
Choosing life by accepting ‘you’? Sounds fabulous to me.
I was out this weekend and in an environment with a great deal of people I don’t know. I started doing what I call “the preacher’s daughter thing” (gently nodding, smiling, and saying things like “Hi. Hello. How are you? So nice to meet you.” in a voice that isn’t even slightly my own and sounds like it drank to much of the kool-aid, if you know what I mean. OK. It’s not *that* ‘gentile’. But it just bugs me when I do it.)
Anyway, sometimes, I just slip into it in a roomful of people I don’t know. And it annoys me.
Thankfully, my friend pointed out, “Um. But you *are* a preacher’s daughter. Plus, that is also the thing that allows you to be comfortable walking into a room and talking to *anybody*”
So okay. I will accept that, at times, I’m going to do the “preacher’s daughter thing.” And it will actually be a good thing.
Glad you’re cruising though. Enjoy!
All the best!
deb
2 gena Sep 22, 2009
i thought it was ok to just “BE”
to “DO” nothing
why are you worrying about everyone else’s good time? maybe some people can just cruise for the sake of cruising…they do not need an agenda 0r plan …Believe it or not – some people live without expectations – i do like what you have to say most of the time but there seems to be some inner conflict going on – what you say vs. how u really feel & it comes across in these posts
i mean no harm i am just sharing here
3 Jennifer Sep 22, 2009
Totally Gena – yes, that is totally right! I can’t always be. I can’t always accept myself. I do have an old pattern about worrying about others being happy. It’s where I go sometimes – I too struggle to practice self-acceptance and being. It comes in waves for me. Riding the waves!
4 Wendy Cholbi Sep 22, 2009
Hmm, what struck me here was:
1. Three people turn out to have different ideas of what cruising means (or what having fun on a cruise means), which only becomes obvious as the cruise progresses, and
2. You, Jen, feeling “overly responsible” for the others having fun, which triggers the tug-of-war between self-care and caretaking of others.
Oh my goodness, hugs to you (and perhaps a dainty dish of mixed nuts for your poor anxious squirrel)!
And gentle acknowledgment that you stayed conscious, let yourself feel the uncomfortable (yikes!), and got clarity on meeting yourself where you are. Thank you so much for bravely sharing with us.
5 Rebecca in VT Sep 22, 2009
Dear Jen, Yes-hugs to you for your awareness. Isn’t that what you teach us–to be aware. And this all reminds me of a guest interview yesterday (I think) on your friend Jan Lundy’s blog with Paul Maurice Martin. He has a great phrase for our negative scripts: he says they are “like trains and they always come on schedule” and darn if we don’t always hop on! (He didn’t use this in his interview on Jan’s blog, but I found it when I went to another site.) But he also says in response to a question of how to deal with negative patterns, “To simply notice kept me from getting caught up in it so I could let it go.” I seem to be getting this message to “notice” from all around and while it has been years unfolding, I’m actually beginning to feel progress. It’s baby steps–sometimes it’s just more comforting to get on that train I know–I’ve memorized the script and don’t have to think about it. Other times though, if I pause just long enough, I can take the time to come up with something new and better.
Sorry, I’ve really run on here!
6 Lea Howell Sep 23, 2009
Hi Jen,
Welcome home from your cruise! I hope for you, that the nature, sights, and beauty were awesome for you! I have never experienced that!
You “cruise” like my best friend goes through life….every event, party, meeting, reunion, vacation……she is like that. She can’t help herself…she even washes the dishes at OTHER peoples parties!
What you asked is how will I choose life…
This week, I am back in AL to sort through more boxes, and find some items that we need in SC. There will be family and friends who will expect there share of my time. It is usually the “why didn’t you stay here?, can we have dinner, how about lunch, come to this come to that…”.
I don’t have anything left for anyone this week. I’m tired, and I am frustrated, and I need my time,
to do what I need to do.
My friend wants to help me sort boxes (like anyone else can do that for you)…..her version of washing my dishes! So what do I choose…
I CHOOSE to NOT to get caught up in everyone’s ideas that I am ignoring them, hurting their feelings, not making time for them……
I CHOOSE to say, “this week, it is about what I need to get done”.
I CHOOSE to “not wash everyone else’s dishes”…
Thanks Jen…I needed this!
7 Jennifer Sep 23, 2009
Yeah Lea – stay true to that choosing!
8 Being Alive: Such Tender Weirdness » Comfort Queen Sep 25, 2009
[...] this kind: insightful, bracingly honest, dig deep, grapple with truth, like this one from Gena on my last post about being stupefied: I thought it was ok to just “BE” and to “DO” nothing. Why are you worrying about everyone [...]