A fantastically helpful email from a lionhearted spirit leads me to learn many things
R. wrote me after the tele-comfort experience to say some groovy things that made me so happy for her, like…
There was also something about how you talked about the need to address the feelings behind the fear… it felt less impossible, less intolerable. I was amazed during the exercise what I was able to write down and that I was able to stay with the feeling of safety and comfort that we created. I’m not usually able to stay in that safe place once I get scared, I sort of fall out of it.”
She stayed with feeling safe long enough to talk to her fear
I am jumping around the room and doing a silly dance for this brave amazing woman (which I’m grateful nobody can see me doing – the dance that is). Because this is what I’m trying to articulate / create/ offer with the Comfort During Fearful Times digital hope fest (more info coming soon, any minute now, swear) because without safety and solace and some inkling of feeling you are on your own side, it’s really really difficult (really) to get anywhere near fear, anxiety or shame.
Without the safety-solace-comfort grounding, fear can feel like a writhing foggy eat-you-up-panicky darkness with no end, no toehold, no sense to it, solid yet wriggly, every where yet nowhere. I felt that feeling this morning and then I did 5 minutes of frustrating but strangely comforting Dance of Shiva and felt that bridge to myself open back up again, and I remembered (thank you wise self) that I am safe in this moment, that the way back to peace and sanity and creativity is not pushing myself relentlessly to get over the fear, is not pushing myself to change and be someone else smarter, faster, more creative, is not telling myself to hurry up, there is no time to journal, meditate, or lovingly stretch the scared parts of me.
But wait, she said more brilliant things!
Because this brave soul has, like most of us, been dealing with her pain and stuff for awhile and in the process of doing her very noble inner work, she has come to associate comfort and safety with remembering things she doesn’t want to remember and feeling emotions she doesn’t want to feel. Safety and comfort have become linked to coming face-to-face with fearful things from her past. Which leads me to exclaim:
Give yourself lots and lots of comfort that has nothing to do with big deep possible scary inner work
The last thing I want is for you (or me!) to think is that comfort must be linked to something that’s has a purpose or is good for you or you only get to be nice to yourself so you can feel safe enough to talk to your fear or shame or whatever.
Talk about a set up for brandishing the “do more = you are worthwhile” cudgel not to mention draconian-esque self cruelty.
Which IS NOT what audacious R. is doing at all– and she pointed out to me that there is this possibility of turning comfort into only self-improvement / a prelude to doing big possibly scary inner work and that is not what I want to advocate. Because that would just feed the fear! Because comfort for the sake of doing something or getting somewhere could feed the idea you aren’t okay, you aren’t safe, and you aren’t lovable.
And that is a big fat lie.
You are okay! You are lovable! You are so fabulously safe in this moment… (check in with yourself: are you safe right now?) and this moment… and this moment…
Tomorrow: the importance of giving your mind a bone. Or why acknowledging ain’t the same as wallowing but boy, I can get confused there, too.
12 responses so far ↓
1 suzie Oct 21, 2008
Jen,
I really appreciate these comments, this work. Fear can be so nebulous, it’s great to have a way ‘in’. I guess it’s your motto, but I’ll say it anyway: Always start with comfort! I’m also really intrigued by the Dance of the Shiva. Any chance we can see a video clip to get an idea about what it looks like, or could you describe it in a little more detail?
Thanks,
Suzie
2 Jennifer Louden Oct 21, 2008
Hi Suzie!!!
Go on over to Havi’s site and she explains all about Shiva! http://shivanata.com/
and you can also google Shiva Nata and find Andrea Lappe but get the CD from Havi if you do because it makes it all much easier to get started on!
Love you!
3 Photopoppy Oct 22, 2008
Wow, Jen, this post resonated so deeply, I think I heard a “ding!ding!ding!” somewhere. I’ve been pushing through the last few weeks, trying to identify everything that’s been coming up for me, and what I’m coming to realize is that I’m not getting what I need to feel safe right now.
If I sign up for the tele-experience after the fact, do I still get all the cool goodies?
4 Jennifer Louden Oct 22, 2008
Yes Poppy, of course you still get the cool goodies – sent right away – they are all ready and waiting AND whatever I’m cooking up right now on fear which looks like a sort of digital hope fest audio email thing, you get a big discount on
AND what have you been doing to identify what’s coming up for you? Any good tools?
You are safe, and amazing, and so loved. So amazing! You amaze me!
5 R. Oct 22, 2008
I’m totally blushing. You said I’m brave. And yes, that totally makes me wanna hit you. In a nice way, of course…
If you’re trying to kill my fear with love, well… you might just succeed. The love is just oozing here all over the place, and it’s so hard to accept it!
What I love here, the most, is what you said at the end…
First, that comfort with a purpose feeds into the idea that we are *not* ok… This rings 100% true. So true. I was even just speaking to someone else about this. That if the comfort is always around when things are *not* ok, then it starts to feel like a fake, a game. “Well, here is this comfort, but really, it’s just imaginary. It’s just something to make you feel better when things are *not* ok, so you can realize just how not ok they are.”
And that isn’t actually right. What’s right is that things *are* ok…
And then, at the very end, where you said, “are you safe right now? … and this moment? … and this moment… ?”
I love this, for two reasons.
1. When we’re afraid, it’s almost never about now. It’s about last week, last year, two decades ago… or about tomorrow, or next week, or something we’re afraid about in the future. But it’s not about NOW.
So, am I safe *now*? Well… yes, I suppose I am.
2. I love the… “this moment… and this moment…” because I may feel safe for a second, but the next, I’m scared again. But wait, check again… am I safe? Oh, yes I am. Let me check again, how about now? And again, I’m safe.
And while I can’t sit and say, “I’m safe, I really am ok,” and keep that thought for hours. But moment to moment, I maybe can. Even a few more moments a day of safety is nice…
Like yoga, where each breath is about now, and not the last breath, or the next one… but *this* moment, *right* now.
Anyway… all this to say, thank you.
R.
6 Jennifer Oct 22, 2008
No it’s YOU I get to thank – my gosh, please know how much your question and courage inspired me. Please keep reading and commenting so I can build something worthwhile for us all in this upcoming product thing. Is that selfish? Than so be it.
And if you never read or comment again, that’s okay too. I’ll still be oozing love to you. I told myself yesterday as I headed to Seattle and improv class, “It’s okay to be full of love in your improv class for people you don’t know and won’t see again. It’s not about what you get back or that you are patted on the head for being all loving and full of pep – it’s about just letting it flow.”
Okay, back to writing. Another blog post and newsletter coming.
LOVE LOVE LOVE WACKY MORE LOVE
7 suzie Oct 22, 2008
Thanks, Jen, for your suggestions for the Dance. Just today one of my clients said that life is so much about how to dance with our pain. And I’m supposed to be the spiritual director?!
Always fun to hear about new body practices; I look forward to checking out Shiva Dancing!
Love, love, love, back at you!
Suzie
8 Photopoppy Oct 22, 2008
To be honest, I’ve been so caught up in the “washing machine” (I went on my very first rafting trip just a few months ago, and we hit a *very* small hole, so I actually get what you’re saying with that!!) of feeling like I don’t have time to feel my way through anything and being afraid that if I take even 15 minutes to care for myself enough to try and work through what I need, it will turn into a several hour “ordeal” instead of seeing it as something I can do a little of here and there.
I *know* I’m a total introvert and I *need* time alone to rest and recharge – and with my husband home a lot more than before, our schedules have changed and we’re still adjusting to all of the changes. And every time I start planning my “rest and recharge”, wouldn’t you know it, but something comes up, something that matters to me. A photo shoot, or dinner with friends we haven’t seen in months. So I’ve been keeping in the back of my mind that I *need* this time and looking for a way to make it happen so that I *can* have the space to feel safe and explore. And that’s what I’m missing – feeling safe, giving myself permission to be selfish with my time for an afternoon.
9 Jennifer Oct 23, 2008
@photopoppy – I can get in that place so easily… you gave me a great idea for part of this hope fest product thing – help making the transition from moving and being busy to being safe enough to take time alone.
So what might happen today if you took 5 minutes to sit on the couch or in bed and just be?
Love your wisdom, as always!!!
10 Idara Oct 23, 2008
I appreciate this conversation and topic. I feel one gift this current malaise is a greater desire to be very deliberate about self-love- how one uses their energy, who they spend time with, what we watch on television and so forth. One of my favorite fear- nullifying techniques is composing a list along the lines of “What is Going Right,” or “Reasons Why I am All That;” really all just variations of a plain ‘ole vanilla gratitude list, but reflective of a conscious decision to dwell on what I would like more of. Peace and blessings.
11 Comfort During Fearful Times: Fear Reflects How Much You Care » Comfort Queen Oct 27, 2008
[...] myself or an indication I have left my comfort zone and am taking a risk, which means I need some extra healthy comfort and support, I would hightail it down the slippery slope of questioning everything I [...]
12 Jennifer Oct 28, 2008
@Idara – I adore your list making idea and I’m adding that to the mix!