Right now, I’m afraid.
Terrified even.
I want to jump out from this computer and run screaming out of my office and straight back to bed. Pull the covers over my head. I’m thinking how good a lunch break would be even though it’s closer to breakfast than lunch. How much I wish I could go open a cheese shop.
You see, I’ve been trying writing about fear all morning, trying creating an interactive digital experience to transform fear.
Wait, you may be asking, why I am crossing the trying word out?
Because here’s one thing I have learned about fear in my research fest:
fear is more about trying and not so much about doing. As soon as I start doing (which today means writing) I am beset with doubts which quickly turn the doing into trying. Today’s doubts are:
- This isn’t a good idea.
- Why should I write this?
- There is so much already written about fear.
- I won’t be able to find a good copy editor.
- I won’t be able to afford a good e-book designer.
- Wait, what am I doing?
Suddenly my idea for a digital hope fest isn’t very clear anymore. Am I going to write a series of emails leading you through a process I’ve cobbled together? Or would an e-book be better? Audios of the process or just calming audios or both? A virtual retreat? I watch my project careen from focused and worthwhile to huge and overwhelming to wait, there is no project! All of which happens in a matter of two breaths.
Then I could start down the very long and winding trip of “What should I be doing with my life? Should I be writing X instead?”
Stop!
This is where I’m learning to stop myself and remember: The question is not, ‘What should I do?’ but rather ‘What do I want to do?’
I care so much about doing good work and living a meaningful life that I get constipated and can’t get anything out because what if it’s not purposeful and meaningful? The longer I go without creating, the more plugged up I get. What if it is not up to me what value or meaning something has but up to the person receiving it? What if it just up to me to show up?”
What I’ve discovered is my washing machine of fear is created by how much I care. That deep caring used to fuel me to create, no matter how imperfectly. But somewhere along the line, I started believing that if I were doing what I was supposed to be doing (notice the abandonment of choice), my days would be ease-filled and fear-free. Right livelihood got conflated with feeling no fear. As in “I’m on the right path if everything feels great all the time.”
When I would feel fear and doubt, instead of taking these emotions as a sign to check in with myself or an indication I have left my comfort zone and am taking a risk, which means I need some extra healthy comfort and support, I would hightail it down the slippery slope of questioning everything I was doing.
What if instead, as Frances Moore Lappe and Jeffery Perkins propose in You Have the Power:
Fear is pure energy. It’s a signal. It might not mean stop, it could mean go!”
But only if I stop and unravel what I am feeling, connect back to my essential caring and my essential choice!
Which often means actually stopping. Which I’m going to do. Right now.
P.S. What form would you like the hope fest to take? Send idea to jen at jenlouden.com
And don’t forget to sign up for the cheap pre-release price to celebrate me getting over my fear and creating by saving money.
14 responses so far ↓
1 Dawn Oct 27, 2008
Thank you. I’ve been stopping and starting writing my dissertation all day (well, for months and months, now, and likely for months and months to come), and while I *know* that I am not required to feel inspired every moment I’m writing, it is still very, very hard to keep moving forward when you second-guess your entire purpose in life. Rather than simply debating a word choice, I end up freaking out about a broader concept, then doubting the project in its entirely, then my whole existence! I call it my “existential angst.” So, it was very helpful to hear you talk about the writing/fear process itself; I feel just a bit less alone today because of it.
2 Eliane Oct 27, 2008
Thanks for sharing. It´s wonderfull to read about this process outside my head. We all go through this and jet we don´t fully understand this is true. So I love the ida of fear meaning go, meaning this is important meaning you can do it in many many ways but still it´s just about the pleasure of doing it, actually doing it. Have you ever notice how the difficult part is getting it ready, starting, having it known but actual doing is different. So enjoy the doing with the doubting and everything. We are growing and it includes it all.
3 Kate Oct 27, 2008
I love this post! My long-standing tendency is to assume that fear is a sign of a problem – that if I’m scared, it’s because I’m doing something wrong, taking the wrong path, or veering into a nasty bout of emotional gunk. Because obviously if I’m feeling pain, I must be being punished, because obviously the universe slaps us for making ‘wrong’ decisions. Although this is all miles and miles from my conscious beliefs, those subconscious ones are bloody tenacious.
As Paul Gilbert says, just because you’re afraid, doesn’t mean there’s any actual danger. As you say, fear is ultimately just an indication that I’ve left my comfort zone. Not a sign of anything being wrong – more likely a sign of progress, a sign that we’re doing something brave and important. ‘It might mean go’ – I love that! I think pain is usually an invitation; a sign that we’re ready to shed an old restrictive skin and emerge with lovely shiny wings.
Thank you for this series. It’s a great comfort and a great inspiration to know that even people who I perceive as being ‘already there’ (doing the thing they were meant to do) are still just as scared as I am, and still walking that scary path of growth and self-discovery!
4 Jennifer Oct 27, 2008
@Dawn, @Eliane, @Kate – your comments took my rather icky day and turned into gold. That a long walk in the woods with the doodle dogs.
I’m so glad I’m not alone in this whole purpose thing! Or the writing purpose thing!
5 JoVE Oct 27, 2008
Very inspiring thoughts. Especially about not being in control of the meaningfulness of what we are putting out there. I worry about the same thing and you have just put it into words for. thank you. Just showing up. Hmmm.
P.S. a note to Dawn about the dissertation: When you feel like the whole thing is pointless and everybody already knows this and there is no point to writing it (which you might call an existential crisis), this is a very big sign that you are very very close to done. Honest. I’ve been there. I’ve supervised people through it. It almost always feels like that right at the end. So congratulations. Sounds like you are almost done.
6 chris zydel Oct 27, 2008
Hi Jen,
Scary, scary , scary stuff!! I soooooo know that panicked, want to run screaming out of the room place that comes up for me when I am facing a new project.
I just recently started a teacher training course where I am training people to become expressive arts intuitive painting facilitators. And as part of that whole thing I am writing a manual, and designing the entire program and every time I sit down to create it I go through that whole overwhelmed by the fear place.
The fear can just be paralyzing at times. But I have to remember to tell myself what I tell my students which is “just because you feel bad doesn’t mean that anything is wrong”. If you are really, really scared it often means you are on the right track and that part of the mind that is terrified of growth and change is just trying to pull you back from what looks like the brink of destruction.
So I just keep breathing and try to be real, real extra special nice to myself and know that eventually it will pass. And then come over here and read your blog! Which always helps me to feel less alone.
7 m Oct 28, 2008
I often counsel students that when they are anxious about change – being creative means often change in our lives – that its not necessarily a bad thing – just a signal that change is happening and we are hard wired to find any change fearful and anxious making.
8 Jennifer Oct 28, 2008
Okay, I feel like a cheerleader gushing when i say you all blow me away and I love @JoVe offering advice to @Dawn – which is great advice by the by!
9 James | Dancing Geek Oct 29, 2008
Thank you, Jen. You managed to write the message that I most needed to hear today in a way that I could receive it.
Now to move onto the panic that comes from not going round in circles chasing “My Life Purpose” and instead goin with the flow and doing what I enjoy…bleurgh
Oh look, a ‘Comfort Tele-Retreat’, I knew there was a reason I was drawn to it, but now I know what that reason is (and can thus justify the tiny number of $s).
Thank you again
10 Jennifer Oct 29, 2008
Thanks James – you and me both… I’m so happy to be connected and to tell you WE ARE DOING OUR PURPOSE because we are doing what we are doing… okay, I had some sugar and my Yodisms are coming out all silly – anyway, let us not question our purpose but let us just do our purpose. And now, let me go to sleep.
11 jane Oct 30, 2008
I know this isn’t what you mean, by what “form” should your fearfest take, but I don’t have a home computer and I’d like access to the program! Is it possible that at some future date you could put together a CD, as you did with The Inner Organizer? No, I’m not asking you to write a book, I’d just like the audio, something I could listen to for support, and comfort in trying times.
12 Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome Nov 1, 2008
Hello!
James the Dancing Geek/Shivanut sent me here and I’m glad he did. I’ve been struggling with fear this week around National Novel Writing Month. I’m starting a novel that’s been in my head and outlined for over a year and a half and the idea of starting it terrified me. What if I completely mess up what I wanted to say?
Then this morning, I sat down at the kitchen table and started writing. And got 2000 words out. They need lots of work, but they’re written and the book is started.
This summer I put together an email-based workshop and surprisingly I had no fear about that. I *know* I know what I’m talking about when it comes to Someday Syndrome so there was no fear.
My writing on the other hand? I’m not so sure of it, but am much more sure of it now then I used to be, so when I stop thinking about it and do it, it’s much easier than I’d thought it was going to be.
(Wow, I certainly babbled during my first comment on your blog!)
Cheers,
Alex
13 Jennifer Nov 2, 2008
@Alex – good luck with your novel first draft get it out in a month adventure. What you said, “am much more sure of it now then I used to be” is so important to pay attention to. You are learning, I am learning, and when we notice that, it’s faith in the making or as Sharon Salzberg defines faith, “Faith is trust in our deepest experience.”
Welcome!
14 Peeling back the layers | Dancing Geek Mar 1, 2009
[...] I wrote a private blog post to the Internet gods (my geek version of prayer?) asking for advice and this post by Jen Louden, Comfort Queen, was sat in my news reader straight after. Thank you, Internet [...]