Okay, I have been going on and on about being with yourself when you’re afraid and then I got this fantastic comment from Kate bringing up some vastly important points which I will now attempt to comment intelligently about… warning: I may fail. Because this stuff is hard to write or talk about. At least it is for me because I don’t always get it.
First, thank you Kate
Your comment got me to engage with the tricky slippery side of acceptance. Thank you!
Kate’s comment in a nutshell (read it all here) was the ‘sit with your fear’ approach makes her feel worse. It can turn into focusing on the fearful negative thinking which can become a vicious circle. Kate points out:
If I keep sitting with it [the fear] whenever it turns up, over a period of a few days, I get more and more fearful, an increasing sense of dread very similar to the feeling that characterised my breakdown, that was similar to the feeling of nameless, overwhelming dread that characterised my childhood. Distraction *works* for me, and is a valuable, valid and recognised tool for breaking the spiral of fear and negativity. When I’m having a bout of terror, sure, it’s good for me to start by seeing what it’s about and challenging the ideas and reassuring the inner child, yada yada. But then I have to get right up and *do* something. I have to occupy my mind, to break the spiral. Because my mind is like a terrier, and if I don’t give it something to chew on, it’ll chew on the fear till I’m gibbering in a corner.”
Here is where I state the obvious
Kate listens to herself and what works for her, not anyone else.
Which is the life lesson I learn about hundred fifty times a day. The movie, Groundhog Day, anyone?
Sigh. But good sigh because I’m learning this is my life and I will handle my fear the way I want. Kate will handle it the way she wants. And so will you. Which is why it’s very, very cool (for me and I hope for you) to have this discussion.
A few distinguishing points about acceptance
which I may not have made clear before because remember, warning: this stuff is very tricky for me.
Acceptance is not agreeing with your fear or your fearful thoughts.
It’s not about listening to the catalog of awfulness that the fear may be spouting.
It’s not about believing the fearful thoughts or body sensations.
And it’s not about fighting the fear.
In fact, acceptance may be the wrong word – let’s use acknowledgment. Awareness. Glancing at your fear out of the corner of your eye. Sometimes even, for a few seconds, standing in its presence. Without ever having to like that you are feeling fearful.
What I’m advocating is something like this:
I am afraid. I am in the presence of fear or anxiety and that does not feel good. I don’t like it and trying to rid myself of fear is impossible and makes me spin in a tighter and tighter circles. Being afraid is part of being human. I hate being human sometimes. I hate feeling afraid as often as I do and that’s a thought that takes me into the future where I believe I will always be afraid all the time. What’s happening right now? I notice my stomach feels tight and my teeth hurt from clenching them and thoughts are coming about how bad the day is going to be if I don’t get moving. I’m going to soften my belly and lower my shoulders even though I don’t want to and I’m remembering that there are probably millions of people feeling fear right now. I’m not alone. I’m not going to let fear run my life and I can be here with the experience of being afraid and be aware of it without putting energy into wishing it were not so.”
Then here’s what what happens when I skip the acceptance acknowledgment:
Crap, there’s that feeling of dread again. I hate this feeling. I shouldn’t be afraid – my life is so great. I want to go back to bed. I shouldn’t want to go back to bed. I should want to get up and do my yoga and then Dance of Shiva and then meditate and I’m so lucky to get to do fun work and I shouldn’t feel this dread. Does this dread mean I should quit writing and coaching and leading retreats and open a cheese shop? I bet if I opened a cheese shop I would never feel afraid again and I would fit into my thin pants (but you’d be eating a lot of cheese Jen – oh shut up) and my days would be so easy. If I was living my life purpose and being authentic and self-realized, I wouldn’t be afraid ever. But I afraid. Why am I doing this project anyway? Who do I think I am?”
Make any sense?
After noticing you are afraid and that you might be resisting that fear, you can
give your mind and body something to healthy to chew on, some healthy distractions, especiallly if you feel you are going to get sucked into a spiral of fearful thoughts or you just aren’t up to doing any inner work.
You could create a Comfort when I’m Afraid Healthy Distraction kit or basket or backpack or lunch pail so you have some mood changing goodies on hand and don’t have to think. Like:
- A friend’s number, someone who does not whip you into a frenzy about how bad things are but listens with compassion and asks empowering questions like, “What’s working?” and “What would you like to do next?”
- A book that makes you remember the bigger picture- poetry! Spiritual literature! The Woman’s Comfort Book!
- Scratch paper and colored pens – doodling big fat spirals in a juicy color calms me down
- Soothing audios – I’m creating some for this digital hope fest – sign up here to get a big discount
- Healthy snacks – food and fear are so related; the more sugar and wheat I eat, the more my fear can grab me. Make a list of healthy snacks that are also comforting – and share your ideas in the comment section. My list starts with the most healthy choices and then ends with whole grain bread which makes me itch (gluten) but reminds me that giving myself permission to have that (and taking one of these) will often stop me from eating the frozen cookie dough.
- Mantras like “I am larger than my fear.” “It’s human to feel fear.” “I live by decision not default.”
- List of thought distortions from a cognitive therapy source like The Feeling Good Handbook.
What would you add?
Which is a very long winded way of saying
Fear comes whether we like it or not.
Denying we are afraid, wishing we weren’t afraid, deciding we are bad or flawed for being afraid or that an idea or project is doomed because we are afraid, or trying to fight the fear can make it worse.
Acknowledging we are afraid is not the same as agreeing with the fear or letting it run us.
After we acknowledge the fear, we get to choose what to do next and healthy distractions are (thank you Kate) a powerful choice.
Okay, that was my best shot. Comments please!
15 responses so far ↓
1 Dawn Goldberg Oct 24, 2008
Jen,
This is a great piece. I had a call with a buddy earlier this week and we talked about doing the station identification.
What are my call letters (meaning: what am I feeling right now)?
Acknowledgment and – most importantly (I believe) – gentleness with ourselves are keys.
Thanks for giving us a concrete way to look at this.
2 Duff Oct 24, 2008
Awareness without love/acceptance/acknowledgement is painful! And acceptance without awareness, well that’s just blissful ignorance.
You obviously have a good strategy for knowing the right balance. I personally rely on the technique of Core Transformation, which is basically a precise outline of how to make sure you are actually acknowledging yourself instead of beating yourself up. Works very reliably for me, and for my coaching clients.
3 Janet Bailey Oct 24, 2008
Well put, Jen.
Words that help me, when “acceptance” is too loaded: Curiosity… spaciousness… noticing.
4 Kate Oct 24, 2008
Thanks Jen! Great article. Very helpful.
I also like the idea of running away and opening a cheese shop. You can never have too much cheese. But I bet running a cheese shop is scary too.
5 JoVE Oct 25, 2008
I remember someone saying to me once that anything worth doing is scary. And I think that gives a different spin on the fear. It is a perfectly normal response and thus not a sign of weakness. If you want to do something that will make a big change in your life, or that has the potential to be really positive for your, then the fear that it won’t work out is very rational.
As such, your explanations of how to deal with that fear so we can try it (because we definitely won’t have all that good stuff if we don’t try) are really helpful.
6 suzie Oct 25, 2008
Just met this morning with my fellow prayer/meditation center volunteers. We spoke of what we might be able to do to handle these times of potentially perpetual worry. I suggested ‘More of the Same’! Not as a political statement but as a way of dealing with all this turmoil: more of the same as in adding to whatever is working in our lives. For me, it’s more prayer, more peaceful-body practice, and stability–meaning more of the same stuff I already do to help me calm down…There’s my 2cents (which in no way reflects my political opinions:)
7 Gayle Oct 26, 2008
I’ve been watching the replays of the California Women’s Conference (www.californiawomen.org) and have been so inspired. During these troubling times, how do you take care of yourself and your family and yet be compassionate to all that is going on in the world? But the reason I’m writing this is because Maria Shriver gave what I believe is the most relevant speech (to me) during the lunchtime session. She talked a lot about fear, and it was amazing to me considering her background. Regardless of your politics, I think it’s worth your time to listen (it’s about 14 minutes into the lunchtime session).
8 chris zydel Oct 26, 2008
Hi Jen,
I think you did an excellent job with this piece and covered all the important bases! You articulate this stuff so well. Thanks for all the great reminders to be kind and loving to ourselves, always. but especially during this incredibly stressful time of change. Yes, yes to soft bellies, soft hearts and friendly minds!
For me, there are times when the fear is just coursing through me and at those moments, sitting with the fear, even in the most compassionate way, does not always feel like enough of a comfort. It’s still just words that I am saying to myself and what I need is something more visceral and in my body.
So here are a few things that I do:
I will shake my hands and arms and body and make the sound of fear for 10-15 seconds. ( For me that’s a high pitched Ahhhhh) and just let it come through me and overly dramatize it. Sometimes it sounds so ridiculous that I will start to laugh which is definitely a step in the right direction.
Being out in a beautiful, beloved place in nature and walking vigorously, listening to music on my iPod headphones. Again, it helps to move the adrenaline through my body and gets me grounded by moving the energy down into my feet and legs. After a walk like that I can sometimes be calm enough to meditate.
I am a therapist and luckily have lots of therapist friends who are trained listeners. So I can call one of them and just talk about the fear and have it witnessed and held by a compassionate outside observer, which allows me to find my way back to that compassionate inner observer. So make yourself some therapist friends!
Making art, using painting, coloring or collage without having an agenda and just letting your intuition lead you.
Prayer and asking for divine intervention! I always think of anne lamott who says that there are really only two prayers “Help me, help me, help me” and Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
Steven Levine, a Buddhist teacher who works with death and dying talks about “The Pain” which is the realization that suffering is something that we all experience and to not take it so personally. When I can I try to think of my fear as “The Fear” and it can help me feel more connected to my fellow humans and a little less alone.
There’s a beautiful shamanic practice which entails lying on the earth and pouring out your heart to mother earth and letting her absorb all your fear and your suffering, knowing that she is more than big enough to handle it all.
And…..My favorite healthy comfort foods are steamed cabbage with a little butter, salt and pepper ( yeah, I know. I’m weird) and a plain, baked yam or baked potato.
9 cindy Oct 26, 2008
today i took a kaykaing class in the SF bay. it was called “tides, currents and rough water”. previous to this class 2 out of 3 of my times on the ocean were horrendous with 25 knot winds and 10 foot swells. NOT my idea of fun. so to say this morning i had a little fear or anxiousness would be accurate. i just did NOT want another bad ocean experience. to say i had some scary moments would be accurate especially crossing Raccoon straits. then we went on to learn how to “do” rip tides. after a lengthy pectire over lunch the instructors nearly had me freaked out. i would much rather just DO something and learn from my mistakes then be afraid before i ever start. anyway i went ahead and did them for the first time with heart pounding and mouth dry. it wasnt so bad. i went back and did it again. ok really not that bad. then i wanted to do it again just for fun and really play with the whole process of the waves coming at you from behind etc. i decided i really liked playing in rip tides. and i most definitely want to do it again!
so that was a long way of saying i DO a lot of things afraid. but most often i dont die and sometimes i even began to like it so the fear is gone.
another thing i ask myself when faced with these potentially treachorous manuevers is: “what is the worst that could happen?” this one question has helped me a lot over the years.
for example, today, the worst that could happen is i’d flip over in a rip-tide. no biggies some one would help me get back in my boat.
so my method for dealing with fears is often to face them head on. i give THEM the stare of death, not them me. does that make sense?
thanks again for thoughtful discussion. cindy
10 Jennifer Oct 27, 2008
AS usual, the comments are more illuminating than my post. Thank you for helping me learn.
@Dawn – love your check in question.
@Duff – I would love to know more about Core Transformation – sounds great!
@Janet – great reminder of the power of words
@Jove- that has been a big learning for me too, fear is not a bad sign, it’s just information
@Suzie – do more of what’s working, I smiled so big when I read that one!
@Gayle, trying to get Maria’s speech to play right now, having internet issues can’t wait to hear it.
@Chris – what wonderful ideas, may I borrow them (with credit of course) for the Comfort During Fearful Times product thing i’m creating? I bought some cabbage yesterday to try for comfort food.
@Cindy – I can just see you out there determined not to stop. I’m so curious about how determination and self-kindness can interact in good ways… maybe my next blog post.
LOVE your minds and hearts, my god, you all rock.
P.S., Anybody reading these great comments who might for a second perhaps say to him or herself, “I can’t think of anything to say so I’m not going to comment,” let me say, me, too! I can never think of anything smart to say when I visit someone’s blog and then sometimes I leave feeling sad, like I can’t go to the party because I’m not clever enough (certainly an old story of mine); so this is my long winded way of saying “Leave comments of all kinds if it makes you feel good.” Because you are so invited to this party!
11 chris zydel Oct 27, 2008
Hi Jen,
I am so happy to be invited to your wonderful party! And I am glad that you are blogging again. You always seem to have your finger on whatever pulse is most relevant in my life, and obviously I’m not the only one.
I would be thrilled and honored to have you borrow my ideas and (get some credit ) for your new Comfort During Fearful Times product. And I can’t wait to see what it is you are cooking up- besides cabbage, of course.
Warmly,
Chris
12 Comfort During Fearful Times: Fear Reflects How Much You Care » Comfort Queen Oct 27, 2008
[...] I want to jump out from this computer and run screaming out of my office and straight back to bed. Pull the covers over my head. I’m thinking how good a lunch break would be even though it’s closer to breakfast than lunch. How much I wish I could go open a cheese shop. [...]
13 Mona Oct 27, 2008
Have you heard of the Triune Brain model, Jen?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triune_brain
As I’ve been learning about this model, I’ve come to see that fear is only helpful in terms of keeping me alive.
Years and years ago, fear was great if we were being chased by a saber tooth tiger…
But these days, nothing like that is actually threatening us. Food, shelter, and water is available everywhere in the U.S.
But the mind acts as if there actually IS something threatening our lives. The Reptilian Brain kicks in and BOOM we’re scared.
It treats things as if they were as threatening as a saber tooth tiger. The phone ringing, a comment someone made about us, an unpaid bill, etc.
So when I’m afraid, I acknowledge it by realizing that it’s the Reptilian brain in action. It’s trying to help me stay safe.
And when I acknowledge this, I also get in touch with how there’s NOT actually anything threatening to eat me, kill me, etc.
It’s like the lizards that I used to catch when I was a kid…
I’d pick them up from under a rock and their little red heart would be beating like crazy through their thin little translucent chest skin.
They’d be in a total panic even though I wasn’t going to hurt them.
That’s how I see my fear. I think of it like a sweet little lizard that I picked up. Heart beating frantically…worried about something that isn’t even an issue in this moment.
So I talk to my fear, letting the lizard (Reptilian Brain) know that it’s okay…and I know that it’s scared. And I also realize that the fear is NOT ME.
It’s just a function of my brain that’s outdated for most situations.
I’ve actually affectionately named this Reptilian part of my brain “Lizzie” because of my experience with the hearts beating crazily in the lizards I picked up when I was a kid.
So I’m developing my relationship with Lizzie and it makes things way less hopeless.
I know Lizzie is doing her job and she’ll settle down again soon…just like the lizards I played with as a kid eventually did.
I get to be a witness to the fear instead of sucked up in it feeling lost and hopeless.
Seeing things this way makes me less afraid of my fear and better able to BE with it when the heart is thumping frantically.
I heart my Reptilian Brain…
14 m Oct 28, 2008
I LOVE the idea of acknowlegement over acceptance.
I find what helps walking by water / the sea.
Calling a friend.
Knitting! meditating on that row instead of the big picture.
Making a cake – I often make a tiny orange/almond cake in a tiny tin just for myself.
Sitting outside under my tree.
15 Jennifer Oct 28, 2008
@Mona – yes yes yes to comforting / talking to Lizzie. And yes yes yes to “I am not my fear.”
M – love your ideas!