My dad died two years ago today.
I miss him every day. I achingly, desperately, want to hug him again. What I would give for one moment with him. To lay my head on his chest, hear him call out (I can’t write the actual sound he made, somewhere between hello and a happy bellow) when I came over to visit, to see him with Lilly again (especially the time he let her paint his toenails). Oh this happy weird ache. Happy because I love thinking about him and weird because it’s so terribly tangible as if I could, if I just concentrated hard enough, get him back.
But this is not a post about loss, this is a post about courage or how my mom overcame (overcomes) her fear.
My Dad fell in love with the back of my mom’s neck
Which was the first thing he saw at the party where they met. My mom was a true beauty. Heck, at 75 she still is – Molly Gordon calls her the “Barbie for the over 70 set.” Which is not to say my mom isn’t smart – she is. Very. But smart was not encouraged in her family – her Dad would not let her skip two grades when her teacher recommended it– or in women growing up in southern Indiana in the 40′s. Beauty, on the other hand, was. Her beauty and aliveness so captured my dad’s heart he pursued her for two years even though she was, gulp, married to her first husband and he had been married three times (twice to the same woman, so is that kinda of 1 1/2 times?).
Fast forward 45 years
Dad died just a month short of my parent’s 45th wedding anniversary. During their life together, my dad treated my mom like a beautiful queen. He made the money. He made the big decisions. He even pumped the gas.
Dad was born in 1919 – different generation. He adored my mom and in his mind that meant sheltering her. The biggest fight I ever had with him was when my mom wanted to go to work at an upscale home store – she hadn’t worked since they were married – and he said no, “I want you available when I want to be with you, not off working in some store.”
Did I mention Dad was born in 1919?
Our family’s big fear
My mom is 16 years younger than my Dad. He was 43 when I was born, unusual in the 60′s. Somehow, my dad’s age became a background story of fear. He would die and sooner than we wanted him to. He was the youngest of his large family and one by one, his brothers died of heart disease. As my parent’s aged, they became connected at the hip, and my sister and I began to fear my mom would never survive his passing. But health scare after health scare, he survived.
And then he didn’t.
And my mom was very, very alone.
A few months later, her best friend died very suddenly, the friend my sister and I always thought she would pal around with when dad was gone.
And a few months after that, I was suddenly going through a divorce and good for nothing much more than crying.
What did my mom do?
My mom who had never pumped gas before, my mom who had never banked on-line before, my mom who had never sold or bought a house before, nor negotiated with people who you hire to fix things, who hadn’t traveled alone in 40 years, who had few friends because they had moved 4000 miles to be near me and Lilly and then Dad got sick and she had nursed him, blossomed.
Oh there were plenty of nights of crying and plenty of days in which she could barely get out of bed and she got depressed and medication helped, and still, she took her fear of being alone, of being overly dependent on us kids, of being taken advantage, of not having a reason to live, she took those fears by the hand and used them to make a inspiring, full, new life. Specifically she:
- Connected – she let help in like never before. My dad was a big believer in going it alone. He loved to help others but didn’t like to be beholden. My mom joined a grief support group two weeks after dad died. Then a church. She plugged right into her neighborhood even though most of her friends there were my age.
- Put one foot in front of the other – no big plans. Do the next thing. And then the next.
- Gave herself lots of pats on the back - she’s proud of herself and she takes compliments when other people tell her how courageous she is. Leave her a pat on the back in the comment section and I’ll pass it on.
- Lots of going to bed early to bed and watching old movies — comfort without guilt, even shadow comforts when need be. Healthy distractions more often, just getting in the car and doing little errands to be in motion.
- Did a fair amount of bootstrap pulling – this needs to be done so go do it. There is comfort in getting things done and not letting the grieving own you.
- Talked to my dad – out loud. Many times a day. When she needs some courage. When she’s proud of herself. Probably when I bug her.
- Threw the occasional pity party – another word for pity is compassion. We can stay stuck in grief and fear so much longer when we refuse to admit that this sucks.
- Created systems to help her feel safe – she figured out how much money she could safely spend per month, she checks with me before big decisions, she stuck with her support group, she got a little therapy, she has good money advice, she relies on my sweetheart and my sister’s sweetheart for guy input.
I’m sure there are many more things my mom has been doing that I don’t know about. She has become fiercely independent in her new life. And while she is often very afraid, she isn’t stopping. She is HUGELY BRAVE and a big inspiration to me.
What are you doing to take care of yourself during fearful times – now or in the past? I’d be honored to hear.
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27 responses so far ↓
1 Dana Corey, Spicy Princess Oct 22, 2008
Your mother’s journey is SO inspiring, it made me cry. My parents were joined at the hip and my dad died 2 weeks short of their 48th anniversary. Unlike your mom, my mother became a shell of herself, and slowly became less and less. She simply could not/would not reach out. That has been my model until reading your mom’s story.
I never believed in true love until I met and married my Ranch Boy, and to be honest, my biggest fear has been him going first and me being left and turning into my mother. Thank you for a different possibility! Dana
2 Jennifer Oct 22, 2008
Now you made me cry! I am deeply in love again, with the most wonderful man, and I ball just thinking about being without him some day… and then I use that to be really right here with him now. Which is what my fear of my dad’s death taught me.. sometimes.
3 Mahala Oct 22, 2008
Gorgeous post!
Your mom is a pioneer in so many ways. Her verve is an inspiration to everyone.
I’m not worried if my mother outlives my father. As hard as it will be, she’ll be okay. Like your mother she’ll take it one step at a time. For me, the real fear is if my mom goes first. I may just print out this post and set it aside. Hoping I’ll never need it.
Blessings to you!
Mahala – LuminousHeart on twitter
4 Bonnie Rose Oct 22, 2008
Your post was wonderful. Your mom is an awesome woman.. she felt the fear and got up to face yet another day… Your mother should buy herself some fresh flowers today? Why? Just because she’s worth it, that’s why! big hugs, thks for sharing this with the rest of us, bonnierose in Fargo ND
5 Jennifer Oct 22, 2008
Thanks everybody – i’m going to compile these for her and give them to her in a card. Yeah for mom and courage and fresh flowers!
@Mahala – oh my god, that was so my fear for my dad; what we would have done if mom went first? Okay, nothing to do right now so let that one go. Have a great upcoming retreat.
6 Michael Oct 22, 2008
Hey Jen – my thoughts are with you, and yeah! for you!
7 GirlPie Oct 23, 2008
Wonderful writing about a (seemingly) wonderful woman. And she must be so proud of you…
I sent your post to a girlfriend (50, looks 40) who lost her same-age hubby/writing-partner/best-friend almost 2 years ago. Very similar starting points in the grief, despite the different generations. Very helpful post, letting me send her the cheer and the congrats that is your story. So now your mom’s not only making her own future, she’s helping others as well.
Nicely done, you two.
8 Judith Oct 23, 2008
Thanks so much for sharing your mother’s story. It gives me such hope for all of us who will be faced with a future we didn’t plan and don’t want. Whether losing a spouse to illness, death, dementia or other losses. I am deeply touched by her courage and life force.
9 Rosemary Oct 23, 2008
A friend linked me to this, to help me on a very bad day. I lost my partner, my friend, the most amazing man I’ve ever known, one month ago today. We were together 20 years–he died at 51, much too young.
What your mother does, I’m trying to do. It is good to know that those may be the right things, since absolutely nothing feels “right” right now. Please pass along my thanks for being a role model to those of us in the place none of us ever wants to be.
10 Anne in Virginia Oct 23, 2008
Jen,
Thank you so much for sharing your mother’s story. I remember how you and your sister worried about her when your dad died. It’s wonderful to hear that she’s rebuilt her life with such courage.
11 Zura Oct 23, 2008
Jen, I just found your blog! And what a wonderful post for me to read the first time I visit. Your mom rocks!! I’m from her generation and I know how hard it was for me just to be divorced at first. What a courageous, beautiful person she is. So inspiring!
12 Andrea Oct 23, 2008
I was intrigued and interested and a bit distant … until I read that your Mom was 16 years younger than your Dad. That struck too close to home. Same as my husband and I. I fear and can be brought to tears by thoughts of life without him. With any luck, and a few good prayers, that’s a few years away. He is a healthy,active 70. And, your post gave me many ideas for myself and friends that hadn’t occured to me — like watching old movies, and pity parties. Thanks for telling us about your inspiring Mom!!
13 Deb Oct 23, 2008
Jen,
You are so lucky your mom is dealing with the loss so well and rebuilding her life. We always feared what would happen if my mom died first. My dad was the sickly one and my mom was healthy and vibrant. She died three years ago of an aneuysm at 73. My sister and I not only miss her so much but we have had to deal with our dad’s unwillingness to do anything for himself. The first two years after she died, he called me at least twenty times a day and expected me to move in with him. He has no boundaries and constantly laid guilt on us for not taking care of him (as he sees it) We had to set limits with him (with much therapy for me) and he has now found a “girlfriend”. I am so grateful. He still complains constantly that we don’t visit enough (once a week isn’t enough for him) but is a million times better now he has a live in friend.
I am so glad for your mom that she has been able to learn to take care of herself and be independent and happy, even though the love of her life has gone on ahead.
14 Amara Oct 23, 2008
Jen–
You are totally correct–you are a wonderful writer.
I loved hearing about your mother making a life in which there is still joy and purpose. And I loved the picture of your parents. Wow, your mom looked like a pinup girl. I can see why your dad moved heaven and earth to be with her. Sometimes it takes a long time to find your soulmate.
Thanks for sharing that story so beautifully.
15 Laura Oct 23, 2008
Great piece, Jen. One of your best and a gorgeous tribute to your gorgeous mom. I have to meet HER next time I come to you.
16 Susan Oct 23, 2008
Dear Jen:
I totally identify with your mother. My husband died 2 years ago this month. We grew up together, I fell in love with the back of his head on November 15, 1958….I will never forget the feeling. We dated 6 years and married at 21 and 23 for 42 years before he died. This was NOT part of our plans. We were just beginning to reap the rewards for the hard work we had put into life. And I have a hard time with my grandchildren losing an incredible man who would have taught them many life lessons.
The grief has been intense…..but very cathartic. I have finally come to a place of knowing that this is my new life ahead of me and for some reason I was chosen to live it out. So here I go, into the future with not a clue as to what it brings but am excited about the possibilities.
Thank you for sharing your Mom with us. Que Sera Sera…….is the truth.
Susan
17 Jennifer Oct 23, 2008
@Girlpie, thanks for forwarding my post! And @Rosemary, your loss is so huge and so fresh. I know you know you will be okay, that you are okay, and it doesn’t make the grieve any less startlingly horribly consuming. May you be gentle with yourself and get a vast amount of support.
@Judith, Mother White Pine, how fine to see your name. I can see your face right now (not swollen with bug bites) and I’m smiling. Big hugs!
@Anne – hi!!!
@Zura – welcome!! Be sure and subscribe so you get updates on when i post.
@Andrea – I had the same fears about my dad dying early and I (tried) to use that to be more present to him… and now I’m doing the same thing with my love and my mom… and my life… mostly failing but oh, the glory of trying!
18 Jennifer Oct 23, 2008
@Deb yes I am lucky that mom wants to have her own life! And good for you for setting limits with your dad – so amazingly hard to do.
@Amara – oh, you’re just saying that to get brownie points. Oh wait, you’re just saying what I wanted you to say!
@Laura – thanks! Next time include a link to your latest blog post.
@Susan, reading your comment made me tear up, not only for your loss but for your courage. My god, it never fails to completely amaze me what we can do, how much we can adapt. To building a new life and to celebrating love, past, present and future. As Mom says, she was so lucky to be loved so much.
19 Karen Oct 28, 2008
Dear Jen
what an awe inspiring story about your Mom.
Grief is very heavy and takes a while to come to terms with. Acknowlegding grief is just as important as acknowledging fear.
My son Luke died on the 13th Novemeber 2007. He was 20. His friend was convicted of causing death by dangerous driving and is now serving time.
My amazing brother came back from Japan to help to support us. He is a coach and knew exactly what I needed and accepted me just as I was even when others thought I was putting on a brave face. I was doing really well, almost back to normal when he was killed in a collision on 12th July 2008. He was 39. The driver of the car that killed him has been charged with causing death by dangerous driving.
I have been so afraid, so terrified that something else will happen. I no longer languish in innocence, as I know that if it’s happened once, twice then it really can happen again AND my husband is 17 1/2 years older than me so the question that keeps going around in my head is who next? Will it be him? He who understands me loves me and accepts me like no-one else left that I know?
I have no idea why I’m writng this post really only that when I put things into words it helps to make sense of things.
But I had a moment of clarity a few days ago. I realised that no matter how many losses we endure there is a limit to the pain . It doesn’t keep growing and growing. I can only feel so much pain. I just wanted people to know that.
So even if someone else dies I will some how survive.
Thanks for the comfort. ((((((JL)))))) that’s hugs how my brother used to send them. xx
20 Jennifer Oct 28, 2008
Oh @Karen, my heart is so full reading your story. I feel so much gratitude for your courage in my life today… that you would take your time and energy to help us all know that grief (and fear and loss of all kinds) has a finite limit and that no matter our pain, we can survive.
I can’t tell you how much that means to me. My prayers and thoughts are with you as I open my heart today.
21 Barbara Oct 30, 2008
What a tender moment I’m having as I read these last two posts…as I’m trying so hard to cope with so many losses in so short a span and my fear for more to come. Relief with each word written by Karen – thank you! I will share this with my daughters who are experiencing loss of grandfather, loss of our family home, impending loss of young friend, and fear of loss of father. Blessings.
22 Karen Nov 2, 2008
Dear Jen & Barbara
thank you.
Barbara, one of my friends said a couple of days after Luke died – ‘look for the gifts Karen’. I thought she was crazy at the time but there have been and continue to be many gifts coming my way, Sometimes they are really subtle but they are there.A lot of the time they just hit me in the face!I wonder if this might be useful to your daughters?
I am currently using the life organiser to re-organise my life in a way that suits me better and let go of the things (mostly shoulds) that no longer serve me. I bought it before Luke died but it has been far more beneficial to me now.And yet there have been many times I knew I needed to change things.Many signs and signals that I ignored. I now intend to do what I want not what I think I should and me a coach!!
Comfort Queen is there for me also as I nurture myself back to health happiness and virbrancy.
I am learning to be gentle with myself and to allow others to look after me a bit. This is really hard as I’m always the strong one…
It is so lovely to share thoghts with like-minded souls…
Warm smiles, Karen
23 Robyn Nov 4, 2008
Jennifer,
I too lost my father two years ago, September. My mother who sounds very much like your mother is trying to find her place in the world (as she puts it) without him. She is brave and strong and courageous as she attempts to do things on her own but I see the sadness in her eyes every day.
My father died one month prior to my parents 40th anniversary. He was only 61. I was on maternity leave with my second son who was only 5 weeks old at the time. When my father died, I suddenly realized that I don’t know how to exist in the world without him. He shaped who I am as a mother, a wife and a friend. Now I was left without his guidance and wisdom. Every day I wish to hear his voice again, to smell his scent and to hug him one more time. I know exactly what you mean by the “happy weird ache”. I have that too. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever go away and other times I don’t think that I want it to. For now I live one day at a time and try to remain positive as I know he would have wanted me to.
Thank you for sharing your story and reminding me that I am not alone.
24 Get Your Fear Basics Here » Comfort Queen Nov 5, 2008
[...] My Mom’s Courage in the Face of Loss [...]
25 Julie Nov 8, 2008
Thanks Jen for sharing your Mum’s story – it has added to the healing of my family. We always believed my grandfather would go before my grandma – he had been told in 1947 that he had a heart problem and could not expect to live long – and that she would blossom and carry on without him with her family around her. Not to be, Bibbee died of ovarian cancer at the age of 83. They were both born in 1921. They had been married for 62 years. My grandfather, a big, strong man very much of his generation, fell apart without her. Despite the love of his family, he fell into a deep depression. He eventually died (of heart trouble) aged 86, still grieving for my grandmother.
Thank you and big hugs to your mother for showing us another way to live with this great loss, Love Julie (Oz)
26 Comfort During Fearful Times: When You Make A Big Fat Hairy Goal » Comfort Queen Nov 12, 2008
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27 Chanel Jan 8, 2009
Beautiful thoughts about your mom, Jen – thanks! WOW…how courageous & full of strength she is. I am about to make a very big move in the next couple of months, & her journey gives me courage & inspiration. Please pass this comment onto her. Peace & love to you both, & to all the others who left comments regarding losing loved ones.