21 responses so far ↓

• 1 Zura May 30, 2007

  For me the shocker was that it is still responsibility! I thought fun and doing what i love would feel freer. But then I’m the one who took “Childbirth Without Pain” classes before my first child was born and then when i had my first contraction told my husband to rush me to the hospital because something was terribly wrong, because it hurt like hell! lol

  Zura

• 2 Cindy F. May 30, 2007

  I just read your latest email newsletter and this one really resonated with me; not that they all haven’t, but this one especially, and I felt I needed to write.

  I think I too am in a rut. I’m really busy as I’m sure everyone is with my kids, my job, my dreams. If I have a moment of quiet, I feel like I must fill it with something, anything. I hadn’t thought of it as being selfish, but I guess you’re right.

  I too feel like I’ve also fallen into the hole of wanting to do too many things at the same time, not being focused, maybe not listening to my heart, especially in regards to my work. I guess I’m looking for fulfillment that I’m not getting at my current job even though there are some things about it that I enjoy. I’ve always told my kids to go for their dreams. Live them. Yet, I don’t think I’ve done that myself. But how does one do that really? How do you decide? Do I try to open the dance studio or yoga studio that I dream of, or work on my massage therapy education or ?????????

  This is a very long way of saying, I really appreciate you writing and expressing your thoughts far better than I did! Keep it up for those of us that also can’t decide what to do either.

• 3 MotherHenna May 30, 2007

  We even managed to *start* living our dreams from one of the lowest dips possible! Our son had died and we found ourselves living homeless in our car. Nothing like every brick in the universe falling on our heads to push us to finally live our dreams. It was the start of KotaPress, Mother Henna, KotaGraph. And it’s all had a roller coaster feel, its own organic growth of ebb and flow, all of it being part of the journey.

  The Secret makes me a bit queasy, too. Thru KotaPress we work with a lot of bereaved families. These families learn to live life after the death of a child by layering and integrating experiences. So “getting over it” or “getting back to normal” or “being happy again” is so one-dimensional that it just doesn’t apply! Telling a bereaved mother that she has to think abundant to make it all better is to *not connect with her at all*!! Rather, we learn to live in the present moment. Some present moments are grief filled. But the next moment might have laughter in it. So it isn’t about “getting over it” so that you never cry again — but rather to be just as able to cry as you are to laugh. Integration.

  Maybe that’s oversimplification, but that’s where I am with it. I think Byron Katie’s “The Work” is so much more of a flexible tool! At the peak or in the dip, I can always stop and ask myself, “Is this true?” and go from there. It’s a tool for the entire journey, rather than something like The Secret which seems to me mostly to be about the end result. Though, I will say that as long as I can look at all these things as *tools* rather than *dogma*, then any of it can be a useful tool if it happens to fit the present moment. But as a tool, I know full well, it may not fit the next moment. It’s just that when it become dogma and someone starts telling me it has to fit every moment, it is the answer, well… I get kinda turned off.

  All that babble, just to say *yes!* definitely, we find that living our dream is about the ups and downs of the journey, not the promise of paradise at the ever elusive end point!

  miracles,
  k-

• 4 Cre8Tiva May 30, 2007

  You have to dig deep for the passion at times when you are doing what you ‘must’ love in order to do what you ‘do’ love. Just doing ‘it’ is not enough. You must find the balance to protect and sustain your creative soul. I learned I must love being a business person, lawyer, accountant, marketing person, salesperson, secretary, receptionist, agent, shop girl, press manager…. I also learned to embrace the imperfect self that has been strong enough to step out, in fear, on the life journey toward doing what I love. The road has been winding, full of ruts and side trips, flat tires and life lessons, yet it is an path I shall continue walking until I can no longer take another step.

• 5 Jennifer Louden May 30, 2007

  Cindy – your comment makes me want to help me and you figure out focus with love and tenderness. Maybe that is what I’m doing!

  Kara – yes to tools, vs. dogma. The only way!!

  Creativa, what do you mean by “You have to dig deep for the passion at times when you are doing what you ‘must’ love in order to do what you ‘do’ love. Just doing ‘it’ is not enough.” This sounds really important – I want to understand it!!

• 6 cindy May 30, 2007

  jenn- thanks so much for this meaningful post. i like that you always tell the truth. i always think wishfully if only i didnt have to work a regular job and could just do art and volunteer on the side i would be “happy”. but your words struck me with some reality:

  “As more and more of us have taken the plunge to live more authentically and to follow our hearts, thus often striking out to work for ourselves so that we don’t have to cut ourselves into little pieces working for “the man,” more and more of us are realizing, “Whoops, that doesn’t mean happily ever after.”

  “If you think nobody could be that naive, you’ll have to call me Pollyanna because I certainly believed, FOR YEARS, that doing what I loved for my living conveyed upon me a kind of super girl protection, which included, but was not limited to, never being bored, never burning out, and never wondering if my life had any meaning.”

  thank you for writing this. i need to quit thinking, “if only” and do what i can with what i have. its is good to know that even “you guys” who ARE following their dream still feel doubts about life and meaning.

  thanks for the reality check.

  hugs cindy l.

• 7 Spike May 31, 2007

  The search never ends, does it?

  I can’t remember which speaker said this, but he commented that if he added up all the time he spent doing what he loved–speaking to an audience–he’d only account for about eighty hours of the year. The rest of the time, he did things that SUPPORTED his speaking–traveling to venues, writing speeches, doing interviews.

  You might as well love ALL the trappings that go with your dream job. You want to be a lawyer because you want a convertible, nice suits, and to speak in public? But you hate research, pressing the flesh, and long hours of minutae? Sorry, it’s a package deal. You can reduce some of what you dislike, given time and enough success to be able to hire other people to do what you dislike, but you can’t avoid it all.

  I think it is vitally important to understand (and to HEAR) that you will never reach the point where ALL you do is the single point of contact that you love. Even as the Emperor/Empress of the Universe, you will still have to eat, sleep, and direct your minions.

• 8 Shell May 31, 2007

  Jenn
  Just a quick note to especially thank you for today’s Self-Care Minder writing! It was – why am I surprised? – absolutely serendipitous! I am in the place of being scattered & too busy & stressed, & had a long conversation about it with a friend last eve, while we tried to figure out how to deal. You read my mind & gave me some beautiful places to start. Thank you – reallly!
  I will miss your Self-Care Minder a lot. But you definitely need to do what you need to do. And I will subscribe to the blog page instead. I didn’t actually realize one could do this, so I’m happy.
  I also want to thank you for your incredibly courageous honesty, your risk-taking, & your sharing – all of which has been very helpful to me in different ways. You touch, help & support people that you don’t even know about. The ripples spread out from you & I want you to know that the light of your work & sharing spreads far further than you could know. Thank you, shining woman.
  Blessings & peace
  Shell in Canada

• 9 Helga May 31, 2007

  Great post, great comments! I relate.
  Although I want to do many things, preferably all at the same time, my foundation dream is humble – or ambitious, depending on how you look at it: be a decent human being, think/feel love, and don’t stress too much no matter what I’m doing or where I am. Leaves things wide open, in a good way. Part of how this sintered down for me comes from one particular moment:
  During a very difficult time – or was that yesterday? – I remember sitting on the floor in the dark, in a very deep funk about me, my life, and the universe. I was groping desperately for the solution, the nirvana, the if-only point, after which everything would be alright forever. Then it struck me: There is no such thing! It will never stop! My quest will never be over! I can smile about it now, but back then that recognition threw me for a nasty loop. I surrendered to tears and grief for a stretch. Eventually, my ornery, obstinate Self showed up and said, “The Journey is all there is. So, what are you gonna do to survive AND make it meaningful?”
  If you were expecting some momentous revelation now, step into the waiting room with me. So far, I’ve assembled some provisions for the trip: connecting with close friends, wisdom from Jen’s forums, Katie’s Work, other sage and compassionate input, compassionate output, creative outlets, connecting with nature. Internal toolbox is listening, including to my body, being, and going with the flow. Honestly, most days I don’t make it, but Oh, the days I do!

• 10 Poppins May 31, 2007

  This is *so* true, and so important to realize. I felt a similar astonishment about homeschooling. This was my calling, so why did I feel like some days it was just a job I had to show up for?

  For me, calling it ‘living my dream’ is dangerous. It seems to separate me from my life. I prefer to focus on living each moment, being passionate and present…while still recognizing that there will be dreary moments and tired moments and dead-end moments.

• 11 Michele Lessirard May 31, 2007

  I too have read the Dip. Beginnings and endings. Cycles of becoming. That is why I love astrology…the archetypal energies offered by the myth and mystery of the planets call to my soul…giving me insights into my own Dips, quits and cul de sacs. Saturn takes 28 years to complete the turn of the wheel. The Moon 29 days. Each cycle is a beginning and ending and beginning again. My dips and quits have given me so much, it’s all about the death and rebirth of life. Celebrating same. Thanks for a great post.

• 12 Andy Wibbels May 31, 2007

  Thanks so much for the Linkyloo…

  “Do what you love and the money will follow.” HA!

  Better get a business plan to back that up.

  So hard to cherish the process when we are goal-oriented (and I fully include myself in that statement).

• 13 Dahna Willis May 31, 2007

  Rich and wonderful reflections, one and all. Jen – you consistently and eternally amaze me with the authentic and provocative resonance of your writing! Meeting and working with you at the Writer’s Spa in Taos only confirmed all of my previously intuited perceptions of how you are “being a sacred contribution in the Universe”…in the years since, your shared journey has been an inspiration and affirmation to me – mind, body and spirit.

  What if we actually breathe our own unique lifemeaning into the dreams and depressions, or dips and peaks of moments present or past, by the language and emotion we choose to assign and the mode we select for essential expression? Peter Block reminds us that “the answer to how is yes”…embracing this generous wisdom, I offer that the things that matter most in my life, i.e. love, justice, faith, compassion, integrity, peace are simply not quantifiable, but I know when they are present and when they are absent from my being and my relationships. As I intentionally focus on gratitude and radical forgiveness (ala Colin Tipping’s) it seems that happiness and joy characterize the unfolding of my life. Feeling such thoughts is a gift of unparalled value to me. Namaste…

  Dahna

• 14 Nona Parry Jun 1, 2007

  I know that “the Process is the Point”! But that wasn’t supposed to apply to ridding myself of the job I dislike in order to “do what I love” instead! How can there be no Happily Ever After when I’ve been struggling so long and working so hard to get there?

  Now what?

• 15 Tuxlux Jun 1, 2007

  When I speak with my friends about switching over to a career in something I enjoy, the first thing that comes out of their mouths is “Well you’ll still have problems.”

  My response is, “Well if I can handle getting the shit kicked out of me everyday doing a job I hate…how much better will I handle it when I’m getting kicked doing a job I love?”

  “Make your suffering count.” may not be a model for your living your life.

  But what the heck? When it’s all over, you don’t want to regret what you didn’t try. And I do think that’s perhaps the rule is…”She who dies with the fewest regrets wins.”

  Yeah, I’ve watched “Rocky Horror Picture Show” too many times.

  But I still gotta go with Dr. Frank N. Furter…”Don’t Dream It! Be It!”

  Vixx

• 16 Jennifer Louden Jun 1, 2007

  Nona, and Vixx, my take is THERE is better!! Better and happily ever after are so mutually exclusive!

  What I am trying to get clear on in myself is how to be with all that is and has to be done ala what Spike said in her comment: “You might as well love ALL the trappings that go with your dream job. You want to be a lawyer because you want a convertible, nice suits, and to speak in public? But you hate research, pressing the flesh, and long hours of minutae? Sorry, it’s a package deal. You can reduce some of what you dislike, given time and enough success to be able to hire other people to do what you dislike, but you can’t avoid it all.”

  Most rational people would probably read this and think “Duh” but I got little in the rational department when God was handing out attributes!

  More about choosing and focusing in my next post – that’s so up for me!!

• 17 BlueHealingHand Jun 1, 2007

  The fact that, even when following your bliss, you experience burnout and stress tells us that Jen is right, we need to take breaks EVEN MORE. Why? It being our bliss/dream/whatever doesn’t exempt us from being human. And chances are that whatever we are doing is asking us to give more than ever before from our creative center and deepest heart…the more of us we spend, the more we need to replenish. No matter how wonderful the expenditure is! I like the word replenish. The image to me is one of not allowing the tank to completely empty, but to always be filling it back up so that things continue to flow. Set your “low-water mark” sensitively – and keep an eye on it!!! I’m so trying to learn this, to live this.

  For five years now, I’ve combined college teaching and nonprofit consulting work, despite relatively low pay, minimal insurance benefits, uncertain income, etc. It’s certainly not always a picnic. Now I also teach Nia (holistic movement) and give Reiki…and some days I just get overwhelmed with it all and I think, one 9to5 job sounds like it would be a vacation compared to this multiple personality thing I’m doing. But I also feel pretty sure that my worst days now are still pretty darn good compared to the bad days I would be having in a “regular” job. Either way, it’s really up to me to use the tools everyone has been talking about to nurture myself and replenish. I agree with what’s been said the queasiness factor of The Secret. I can agree that to some extent we do create our own reality, by the choices we make, but I also think some things really are just not under our control. How we respond them is – and each us of gets to decide how to respond – in our own unique way. Changing the responses so they get us where we want to go – that’s self-development. It’s not about controlling the universe…its about finding our own best way to be with the universe that is.

  Jen, I will terribly miss the Self-Care Minder. Just the name of it makes me feel better and reminds me to care for myself. It’s like this little special “me” treat when it comes in my e-mail, I can hardly wait for a moment alone to savor it. I always get some desperately-needed revelation or inspiration from it. It’s so healing. I often print it out and stick it on my bathroom wall and read and re-read it until it falls off. Is there some way to keep it but make it very, very short – like a snack instead of a meal? Does it have to be so long that its become too much for you? I love it too because it has photos and pictures of your art and links to cool stuff and so it’s not all words like blogs are…I love that multidimensionality all in one place.

  Sorry this is so long, I’ve never posted to a blog before. Blessings to all! I’m glad we are not alone on our journeys.

• 18 Jennifer Louden Jun 1, 2007

  Dear Blue Healing Hand,

  You are so right on! When you say “It being our bliss/dream/whatever doesn’t exempt us from being human. And chances are that whatever we are doing is asking us to give more than ever before from our creative center and deepest heart…the more of us we spend, the more we need to replenish. No matter how wonderful the expenditure is! I like the word replenish. The image to me is one of not allowing the tank to completely empty, but to always be filling it back up so that things continue to flow. Set your “low-water mark” sensitively – and keep an eye on it!!! I’m so trying to learn this, to live this…” I say YES YES YES

  Reminds me too of minimum requirements for self-care that I talk about in The Life Organizer – good for me to look at those again.

  Shell – thanks for your kind words. I AM NOT going to stop talking – I just need to find a way to do it that is more give and take for me… me thinks the Self-Care Minder will stay alive in some form.

  NONA: Now what are actually beautiful words because they leave you with nothing but now.
  And you might check out Helga’s post, the end has so great directions. Mostly, please please please please be gentle with yourself. Really! From one who has had to work hard to learn to do that.

• 19 Sharon Mc Jun 2, 2007

  There’s so much I want / need to say in response to this thread of conversation! What richness and abundance!

  First — Jennifer, THANK YOU for creating a forum that delivers not ONLY *your* wonderful insights and reminders, but also allows for the kind of synergistic interaction that has happened on this forum. Light and wisdom amplify when they are shared and bounced off of reflective and glowing “others.” You have created a space that encourages a give-and-take unlike any I have experienced elsewhere on the internet: like a beacon, you broadcast your light and love and wisdom, and draw like-minded others to this place, where they / we grow more from the interchange than would have been possible in isolation. The power of that dynamic is so evident in this thread! I, too, will miss your Self-Care Reminders … but the opportunity to RESPOND and to BE RESPONDED TO, not only by readers, but by yourself, also … is awesome. (I’m running out of words, so I’ll stop there, overwhelmed by the gift of that dynamic.)

  Second, it seems to me that this blog is less a replacement of the Self-Care Reminder than it is the next logical step. It would be nice if there was a sage with all the answers, that could confer upon us mere mortals their wisdom and make us whole. I know that’s how I’ve implicitly “felt” about authors and other wise ones who publish their insights in cohesive works that have a beginning, a middle, and an end. It seems magical, this complete package … and I always end up feeling that *I* have failed, in some way, to grasp that wisdom, or make the changes necessary for *me* to reach that stage of peace and enlightenment — because, after all, THERE IT IS, all laid out for me — if only I would implement it! The blog is a place where human frailties and doubts can be revealed, and explored, and everyone contributes, and therefore everyone has the opportunity to share both wisdom and doubts … even our wonderful host! What a relief! What an opportunity!

  Third — this thread is so timely for me. For decades I’ve wondered what my “life purpose” and my “right livelihood” are … to no avail. The best I can do for a “life purpose” is come to the conclusion that it is my job to be the best ME possible, given the current knowledge and circumstances in my life. It lets me off the hook to an extent, but also makes me uncompromisingly accountable, as well. Yet, I have continued to struggle, thinking there will be some “aha” moment when it all becomes crystal clear.

  What I do end up with are “aha” moments when SOME things become crystal clear, like today. I wrote about it in my gratitude journal, if anyone cares to read it (http://grattitudinal.blogspot.com) — but the gist is: my life is good. It’s up to me to keep things in perspective.

  Thank you, Jennifer, for another opportunity to give thanks for what I DO have, and the clarity to see that there IS no “happily ever after” that requires no further effort.

• 20 Jennifer Louden Jun 2, 2007

  Thank you Sharon for so beautifully summing up my intention with this blog. It is exactly how you said– a way for us to learn together!! And a way to focus myself and my thoughts for me to learn–and perhaps to write a new book, who knows! I also feel all through my heart and front of my body your words about searching for A PURPOSE and never finding it. I wasted years doing that one, too. My take on it is both what you’ve discovered– showing up as me is my purpose — and to notice what I can’t help but do, what gives me joy, real joy, and keep doing that. On a good day, as Helga said in her comments earlier, it’s incredible. On a bad day, when my mind takes over, it’s not enough. I find gratitude the way back in, that and my holy imperfect body.

• 21 Ronni Fairy Jun 6, 2007

  I’m glad you wrote that about the SECRET. I love the whol attraction thing, but what IS missing is that we are here to learn about ourselves, each other, etc. You know, a spiritual journey and all that. Some of things we attract are our lessons, don’t you think? What we want or need to learn. And the other thing I don’t like is that if you don’t manifest your ideals, it’s once again the old “you did it wrong” thing most of us women are plagued with. I actually had one well-meaning friend tell me I wasn’t manifesting something I wanted because I didn’t 100% believe! As if we are all totally trusting. Sorry, this topic always gets me going…Lovely books by the way! Adore the comfort books.