I get a lot of strokes for being so honest in my writing and my retreats. It’s healing to see I don’t have it all together. I feel the same way – it makes me feel less alone when someone I admire for their writing or ideas or artwork reveals their own messy process. But sometimes, being honest crosses over into leading with my hips.
I digress to explain.
Melissa, who attended the Writer’s Spa (next year’s will be entitled The Luscious, Nurturing Get Your Writing Done while Laughing Your Butt Off and Maybe Crying a little Too Writer’s Retreat; registration will open soon) and who is also in my writing coaching group, just published a funny and very well written essay at Divine Caroline. It’s about how she handles a day that’s getting out of hand and that’s threatening to drag her self-worth with it with help from a colleague who told her:
“‘Don’t lead with your hips today…’ She went on to explain that one of her friends seemed to have this amazing life—everything we think of—a supportive husband, great kids, fulfilling career, but seemingly big hips. (She really didn’t!) She complained about them all the time. She would weave her hips into every conversation, making sure everyone knew how unhappy she was with them—so whenever people think of this woman, they don’t think of all the great things about her and her life, but about these made up big hips she brought up in every conversation. So, Lynn, in all her wisdom, said, don’t let your hips lead the session today. ‘Don’t focus on all that has gone wrong because if you do, more WILL go wrong.’”
Melissa’s writing helped me see that the way I lead with my hips is to confuse being honest/being myself with calling attention to my mistakes and foibles. Why in the world would I do this? Why does anybody? Nervousness, disbelief I just did X (as in “Did you see that?”), and this weird tick I have of getting in my own way. It’s almost as if I afraid to be really good at something. Almost as if I’m afraid of my own power. As if by deprecating myself, I can stay connected to others. Hmmm… That feels very close to home.
How to be powerful and rooted in my own flesh, “Here I am” and to be nurturing and open hearted and connected? Why would I think these states can’t intimately co-exist?
Where, when, how do you lead with your hips? Or how did you learn not to?
Related posts:
18 responses so far ↓
1 Another sunrise…another insight…. « The Difference a Year Makes Sep 16, 2008
[...] perhaps that I’m on the right track. This morning I came across this timely entry from Comfort Queen. And here is the comment I wrote (printed here rather then there because it became so [...]
2 rebecca Sep 16, 2008
I’ve spent over an hour writting a comment – and finally I’ve posted it on my blog – it became far too long to put here:
http://differenceayearmakes.wordpress.com/2008/09/16/another-sunriseanother-insight/re
We’re tracking right along…
3 rebecca Sep 16, 2008
Hmmm, I tested the link I sent and it is going to 9/4s entry for some reason – very weird. Maybe just go to my blog and read todays entry.
4 Photopoppy Sep 16, 2008
Jen, I just saw this post and haven’t given your question as much time as it deserves – it’s one of a couple of questions that have come up in the last week that are reminding me to spend some time sitting with them soon.
I did want to comment on this, though:
As if by deprecating myself, I can stay connected to others.
This seems to me to be related to the way we (as females) are taught to communicate – connect, never be “more than”, never brag, if a friend shares an embarrassing story, share one of your own so that she doesn’t feel like you’re better than her.
And there’s really nothing wrong with that. I just think making the connection that there’s a whole LOT of us who communicate this way, enough that psychologists recognize it as a typical female pattern, might change the question (for some).
5 Katja Sep 16, 2008
>>> … the way I lead with my hips is to confuse being honest/being myself with calling attention to my mistakes and foibles.<<<
OMG, I do this too! I’m a new reader, but I think I’m going to be a devoted fan. Thank you for making me think!
6 Jennifer Sep 16, 2008
Rebecca, your blog post/comments to mine is fantastic! I commented more over at your blog but thanks thank thanks!
And yes Poppy, I agree, there isn’t anything wrong here and it is the way our brains are structured as women and yet there is something more here that goes on that isn’t serving me… a way that I stay connected to suffering perhaps, playing off my earlier post? I’m really muddling through here!
7 Photopoppy Sep 16, 2008
We’re all muddling through, when it comes down to it. That’s what makes it so much fun!
(this point has been brought home very recently by reading Guyland, by Michael Kimmel, which I’m a couple of chapters into.)
And yes, I agree with you – looking at in what ways does it not serve us, and redefining how we communicate if necessary.
I have a slightly shamed feeling right now that my “leading with my hips” is time-related right now…. so much going on, so much energy going out, and all of it for good reasons that I’ve been talking a lot lately about how little time I have.
8 Dee Sep 16, 2008
Hi Jen, longtime reader, first time commenter.
This post somehow addressed what I’ve been thinking since last night, specifically: why do I get in my own way during this weight-loss journey that I’m on? I mean, I KNOW better, yet I still do things that are NOT taking me closer to my goal, on the contrary. My conclusion so far is to not dive deeper into the spiral and berate myself for thinking “why am I thinking/doing/eating this?” but by accepting my inner saboteur and asking him what his positive intention is. What good ever comes out of standing in our own way? Feelings of safety and security because we’re not ready for the change? Shouldn’t that roadblock disappear as soon as we become aware of it? Looking forward to any helpful tips from you fellow humans (yeay! we’re not perfect, hurrah!!), Dee
9 Karen Stewart Sep 16, 2008
Jen,
Being honest, being myself–how can that be separate–how if we live a truly authentic life (which is what I believe you do here on your site, Jen) can being honest ever be a thing there’s too much of? I don’t believe the way you tell the truth is a way to divert yourself–I believe if you failed to tell the the truth you’d lose your way more. For some of us, the way we know more about who we are is to tell the truth. That is the way we figure out our strengths–hell, it is one of our greatest strengths–it seems like I hear you beating up on yourself for telling the truth, for being honest, for being yourself. Why would you change the way you have been divinely made–and has it been your nature to be this way all your life–and look at how many people refuse to honor the most raw parts of themselves. I see you honoring the duality of the two existing together–which of course they do–but don’t lose Jen (the essence of you meets your reader in your words EVERY TIME). Don’t let go of how you touch others with the great gift of honesty you have.
Oops. I think I sound a little preachy–but then I am a preacher’s kid–a recovered one–sort of.
Karen
10 Mark Silver Sep 17, 2008
Hey Jen,
I totally lead with my hips sometimes. Thanks for pointing this out. There seems like there’s a constant tension between between being pollyannish happy-all-the-time (or appearing to be) versus slunk in the mud stumbling slumping along.
Hip hip hooray! Hippity hip hop and you don’t stop…
Anyway, just babbling here in your comments section. I believe this is the constant struggle I have with Remembering- when is it Truth that is alive and being expressed? And when am I on automatic pilot just speaking what’s convenient?
I dunno. I’m thinking about it quite a lot, it being Ramadan, and all kinds of daily habits are being challenged in my fasting…
11 Mark Silver Sep 17, 2008
Anyway- I hit submit before I said ‘Thank you! loved the post!’
So: Thank you! Loved the post!
12 Jennifer Sep 17, 2008
As usual brilliant comments from brilliant people – gosh you make me love blogging.
Karen S – I can’t stop being honest, it really is the way i built. But there is this way it gets in my way that is NOT helpful… it’s really, quite frankly, narcissistic. I really want to tease this out but not sure how to… but compassionately YES YES YES.
LOVE LOVE LOVE
13 Dawn Sep 17, 2008
“How to be powerful and rooted in my own flesh, “Here I am” and to be nurturing and open hearted and connected?”
This is what I’m really pondering today. I’ve come to a point in a new relationship where I can back away, fearing the worst, or open myself more and be more *myself.* No more sheltering myself from pain or fear of rejection. I want to truly feel open and connected, who I really am, rather than scared and closed-off. I want to throw my arms wide and embrace me (while he hopefully embraces me as well)! And to trust that by *not* leading with my hips (read: gut-clenching fear) I will blossom. Awww…
14 Jennifer Sep 17, 2008
I so get that Dawn, I’m in the same place!
15 Karen Sep 17, 2008
Jen,
I see what you are saying about the narcissistic (sp?) aspect. I guess I’m still working on that balance as well–how to tell the truth but not make it something that in the end stops me from moving ahead. I think these are great questions you’ve raised. I love looking at these questions from all sides–especially ones I’m resistant to.
You challenge me to think and consider and that’s fun.
Karen
16 Karl Staib - Work Happy Now Sep 24, 2008
That’s a great way to look at a chore – a way to remember the great people of your past. It’s strange how just a little tweak in perspective can make a boring chore endearing. I’m going to remember that when I have my next phone to update.
I haven’t updated my phone in two years. I’m due for a new phone so I guess it’s time.
17 Jennifer Sep 25, 2008
Welcome Karl and yes, look into that cool I-phone and also the new Google phone looks good. Tweaks, I’m all about tweaks!
18 Selena Oct 14, 2008
I’m so envious. I’ve been wanting an iPhone for ages now. I do plan to get it but I have to wait for the perfect moment. Regarding address books, I don’t really have one. I think most of the addresses I use can be found in emails. I won’t mention how many emails I have in my inbox though.