I was upstairs this morning making some various art messes and as I was painting pages in my art journal because I thought that might get me into the creative flow (which feels tantalizing close these days but I’m not quite immersed in it yet) and as I was painting I watched thoughts go by that sounded somewhat like this: “You should be working. What are you going to call the retreats you want to lead? Where are you going to hold them? What about your new speaking topics? This art stuff is a waste of time, you have no idea what you are doing. Why are you even doing this? You should be out making a difference like Michele Obama or raising money to help New Orleans if it gets smashed again.”
Whew, I know that was toxic to read! It was toxic to hear. I don’t let these thoughts stop me and they sure do get old. My inner critic is of the productivity save-the-world variety which I suspect is part of what keeps me from kindly finding my next step. It’s better to stay lost when nothing is good enough.
But I kept painting and letting my thoughts go, not getting attached, and then after a bit, I came downstairs to my office to check my mail and Facebook page (I joined to see what my daughter was experiencing but found it’s very cool for grown-ups too - want to be friends?) and found this email from Pamela:
The artwork on the site and in the newsletter is so beautiful!! Will you ever offer T-shirts and other items, perhaps a calendar with “Jen-isms” and the artwork together, etc?
It would really be wonderful!Thanks and many blessings-
Pamela H.
I love you Pamela, not because you made me feel talented or that what I was doing in the studio was worthwhile but because it reminded me that our story (in this case, the one from my pushy inner productivity bitch) is just one story. It is not the truth. As I was feeling conflicted and doubtful in my mess making, Pamela was deriving energy or delight from my messes. That doesn’t mean I’m signing up for art school tomorrow - that would be dumb but fun - but that I (we) can trust our desires and let them lead us more than we ever can our stories about what those desires mean or don’t mean. Or we’re being mean to ourselves.
Do you have an inner productivity bitch? Do you think being satisfied is one of the keys to kindly find yourself?
15 responses so far ↓
1 Diedra Aug 30, 2008
I not only have an inner productivity bitch, but a demon who eats at me from the inside out tyring to convince me that there is no reason whatsoever for me to be creating anything without monetary value. Art and creative writing is just “playing” she always chants “Get a real job again. Go clean the house at least!!” Thank you for the reminder that what she screeches about is not the truth!
2 chris zydel Aug 30, 2008
Hi Jen,
Yes, yes, I know that inner toxic “productivity bitch” all too well. I have achieved a greater degree of separation from her, I no longer believe that she speaks truth,and I have learned to not allow her to influence my actions as much as I used to. But I still struggle with little needle toothed, guilty feelings, chewing around the edges of my creative pleasure when I am just allowing myself to play or rest or noodle. And it’s a constant practice to remember to soothe, soothe, breathe, breathe, and comfort, comfort myself as I expand my capacity for following those bright threads of creative desire, those sweet longings that I can always count on to bring me back home to my true self.
Thank you, as always, for your gentle reminders to stay conscious, be creative and to cultivate inner kindness. I can never hear too much of THAT message!!
3 Marisa Aug 30, 2008
The toxic productivity bitch usually starts pummeling me over the head when I go to buy yarn. Not all the things that I make are made with someone in mind, sometimes I see beautiful yarns in a dazzling array of textures and colors and I am inspired. So I buy the yarn, and think “I am going to make something” and start filling with that incredible excitement/energy. Then I start the project and I think of someone that would like it. And about halfway through, I start thinking how dumb ANOTHER handmade gift would be to give. how they could find something better at Nordstrom or wherever or they could just make one themselves. I feel like the things that I make are ugly, useless, silly (a word that my parents would use to belittle and demean). But while I listen to that bitch complain about how I should reorganize my closet or fold some laundry, I find that the only one that gives her the power to belittle and judge is me. If I listen to her, then she would be right. I turn one of my British sitcoms or old movies up until I can’t hear her annoying rants. I chant “I approve of ALL my creative efforts” until she gives up.
4 Mark Silver Aug 31, 2008
Ummm… YES… I do indeed have that coming in. In fact, we recently hired an employee, and suddenly everything was MUCH easier, I was feeling guilty about not having to work so hard and then
-bam-
my back went out. Related? Most likely… It seems that I somehow still need an ‘excuse’ to rest.
Keep speaking the truth, sister! It’s so comforting to read.
5 Juggling Frogs Aug 31, 2008
I cheat on her by trying to channel my messy play into activities she’d approve of. So I get to play while she thinks I’m working.
Just about anything that involves letting the kids work next to me counts as “education” or “quality time with the kids”.
If I want new supplies or toys, I tell her they are going to be used to make decorations for an event, or to give as gifts.
She’s a sap, my Productivity Bitch. I can fake her out most any time. I think she enjoys my play time much more than the laundry, anyway.
6 Michael Aug 31, 2008
No no, not me. No idea what you’re talking about.
That’s why I’m working this long weekend…
7 cindy Sep 1, 2008
Yes i too have that inner productivity bitch. BUT she has lost her power over me over the years. she is SO demanding i used to call her the cattle driver. and all she ever did was run me into exhaustion. i got tired of being tired from her runnning me ragged so i stopped listening to her. and now i listen for the little inside voice that says “im tired now and want to stop” when im completely daily activities. i consider this being kind to myself by listening to her and stopping. i dont run myself ragged anymore and i am much happier for it. of course not as much gets done on my always long to do lists, but ive come to the conclusion that my to do list will always continue to grow. they will never be a day where i dont have things that need tending to. it bothers me that i was less encumbered with to do lists in my 20s and was also able to complete them and have time for leisure. now i have to make time for leisure. but i accept thats just the way it is until im not required to work anymore. i dont always like it, but i accept it. now for my next question: how is it that so many of us women have this inner productivity bitch? what messages did we receive as children and women growing up that stated you must be productive or you are a lazy ass!
any comments anyone? cindy
8 rebecca Sep 2, 2008
I am currently stuggling myself with “Not Enough” - so no matter what I do - I should be doing something else (i.e. not worthwhile enough); no matter how much I do - I should be doing more (i.e. not enough); no matter how it turns out - it could have been better (i.e. not good enough).
Kindly finding myself would be starting with “I Am Enough” - I am whole and enough just as I am, with my stumbling, with my imperfections, with my trial and errors, with my successes and my failures - because to BE that is to BE ALIVE - and living my every messy and imperfect life is what is all about.
9 Jennifer Sep 2, 2008
Well said Rebecca - I used to teach that practice of saying I am Enough in my early workshops.. could to be reminded of that one.
Cindy, I think the inner productivity bitch afflicts more men now too; I think it’s a cultural thing — it’s not always bad, it’s certainly not always helpful. I blame the Internet and cable TV… the more I unplug, the less it affects me. It is a disease to me, though, in that it creeps in and destroys joy and being present.
10 Jennifer Sep 2, 2008
Dear Jennifer
yes, it’s a voice that keeps me going in circles. I found Soul Collages recently, and naming and making a card for all the parts of me (like in your retreat book Gathering the Whole exercise) has been helpful. I love to make weekly retreats for myself now, where I have permission to do collages, make messes and play. I had to take a break from writing because it had become ‘work’ and another excuse to be mean to myself. Artwork seems to be more playful and just for me. And reaches the deep unconscious desires…..
best
jenn aka musemother (ps tell Suzanne I started the blog, and now have 3! after her advice)
11 Tara Benwell Sep 3, 2008
I think all women know the inner productivity bitch. She must be the evil sister of the comfort queen. Next time she comes by I’m going to tell her that her feet are ugly and her shoes don’t fit.
12 Jan Sep 4, 2008
I am an author and quilt instructor. I feel a kinship with your writing - and soothed, comforted at the same time to know that creative people everywhere suffer the same angst - the same self doubt.
Keep your chin up - your fellow artists need you! You are in a safe place with us - we are “in there”, too. Jan
13 Photopoppy Sep 4, 2008
Oh do I know this one.
I have “Should Ladies” - the pair of voices that keep telling me that I “should” have a home worthy of magazine publication, I “should” be preparing healthy nutritious meals out of fresh ingredients, yadda yadda. I’ve got a lovely Soul Collage card for them.
How about this - I’m a photographer. I enjoy food photography, it’s challenging and creative, and doesn’t take a whole studio, just a small area to work in. BUT I can’t get past the voice that says it’s wasteful to buy food, prepare it, take pictures of it - and then throw it out because either it’s only half-cooked and unsafe (common in food photography) or because it’s just not a combination I’d want to eat.
14 m Sep 7, 2008
Wow I just love the idea of the Inner Productivity Bitch. She sent me straight to ME/CFS for over a year. And still can rear her ugly little head.
Jennifer I’d love to know why signing up for art school would be ‘dumb but fun’ - why shouldn’t fun not be dumb?
15 Allyn Evans Sep 8, 2008
My daughter began middle school this year. Oh how I wanted to hold on to the little girl she was.
I find myself saying often, “This too shall pass.” I say it for the good times, the bad times and the those in between.
Thanks. Glad I found your blog. I love your new website design. It’s been a while since I checked in.
Allyn Evans http://www.allynevans.blogspot.com