10 responses so far ↓

• 1 Anonymous Jun 30, 2008

  Hi Jennifer–
  While I appreciate the statistics and information, I’m still shocked at how many people assume women WANT to have children….it’s not about more housework or soccer games…I just don’t want children. How about gender equality between women–women who have chosen to have children and women who have chosen not to? I have 12 nieces and nephews with whom I adore and also a husband of 12 years (also with whom I adore)–I don’t have any desire to have children and feel that while, as Natasha Bedingford says, “my life is still unwritten”, it’s not going to be made more complete with children. Yet the assumption continues to be that I can’t have them, or that I’ll want them when I’m in my forties, or that I’m too selfish and focused on my career….let’s tear down the “glass walls” between women, and between people on society’s assumptions that what we’re “supposed to do and want” in our next phase of life is to get married or have a baby…time to check our assumptions and society’s pressure and go inside to listen to what we really want.

• 2 Jennifer Louden Jul 1, 2008

  And where does the “you’re selfish for not having kids” idea come from? It’s selfish to have kids. It takes a huge amount of resources – not to mention almost every last ounce of your being.

  The “glass wall” between mothers and women who choose not to have children feels like it’s about so many things, depending on the person on either side of the wall: ambivalence (Did I make the right decision to give up so much of myself to have babies? or Did I make the right decision to not have babies?) fear, jealousy and god knows what else. The reactions can be so big and primal because being a mother is such a strong identity issue for some women – how dare anyone challenge that by not having kids? It forces people to think about these big life choices in ways they may never have. Add to that the very real ambivalence and moments of heated hatred all moms feel toward their little darlings at times, and I can see a little bit of what fuels this weird reaction.

  Here’s another quote from the article: “When European women age 18 to 34 were asked in another study to state their ideal number of children, 16.6 percent of those in Germany and 12.6 percent in Austria answered “none.” (In Italy, by comparison, this figure was 3.8 percent.) The main reason seems to be a basic change in attitudes on the part of some women as to their “natural” role. According to Nikolai Botev, population and development adviser at the United Nations Population Fund, many observers have been surprised to find that in recent years “childlessness emerges as an ideal lifestyle.” No one has yet figured out why some countries are more predisposed to childlessness than others.”

  So my question is why is anybody surprised? Women have choices now and since it isn’t “natural” for many of us, we’re opting out.

• 3 cindy Jul 1, 2008

  i say amen to the first post! cindy

• 4 Wendy Jul 1, 2008

  Once we had a child, I was shocked at the inequitable workload regarding child care that seemed to happen. It was not what I imagined and definitely slowed me down in terms of having another right away. So, I guess I’m Exhibit A!

• 5 Photopoppy Jul 3, 2008

  Woohoo! *does a little victory dance*

  I love seeing that creating more choices is working, when people are getting closer to building the lives they want instead of the lives they’re shoved at.

  Next up: men start throwing off the yoke of needing to be strong and masculine *and* talking with each other about what choices they want to have while women who really do want to have families can find ways to afford not to need two-plus full-time incomes.

  ….
  I knew when I was 12 that I didn’t want children. It started with the descriptions of pregnancy and labor – neither of which sound like fun to someone who’s phobic about vomiting (even the word makes me queasy) and has never experienced them. Then it became about wanting to choose what I do with my time and not have it chosen for me by spending 10-12 years in full-time care and several more in part-time teenager care after that on top of earning a living. And then it morphed into not wanting to contribute to the over-population problem, not wanting to bring new life into a world that several preceding generations have politicked into being so FUBAR’ed, we’re still trying to figure out how to fix it.

  And now, now it’s all of them, wrapped up in a complex human bow. My quote of the week is this, written by F. Scott Fitzgerald in 1936:

  “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise.”

• 6 Zigi Jul 6, 2008

  Photopoppy, i agree with you wholeheartedly these were the kinds of considerations i made when at about 12 like you i asked my dad (who’s a doctor) when i could be sterilized. I was horrified to learn that it is almost impossible if you haven’t had kids, or are not at risk of illness/death due to being pregnant. They all thought i was crazy and told me i’d grow out of it. In fact i think i abstained from sex for a long time for fear of falling pregnant ‘by mistake’. But at 29 i still feel the same way!
  My other and bigger consideration was my own upbringing and how horrible i thought it would be to be a parent ‘without a clue’ as to how to do things.
  I do believe it is education and emancipation from the need to do things ‘as they’ve always been done or should be done’ that has lead to this fall in birthrate and long may it continue until people are doing it because they feel a burning need, desire and are wholly prepared for it!

• 7 risingthinker Jul 26, 2008

  Yeah ,falling birthrate seem to happen everywhere..including Singapore

• 8 dorseysue Aug 7, 2008

  It is healthy that women are making thoughtful choices about having or not having children. I am so glad that I chose to have my three sons. They and my 3 daughters-in-law and my grand daughter have brought such joy into my and my husband’s lives. I also “stayed home” for 17 years, in the sense that I was not gainfully employed. However, I gave hundreds of hours of volunteer work for children’s and women’s issues during that productive time. At 45 I went back to grad school for my Ph.D. and subsequently opened a private counseling practice. There are many possible seasons in a woman’s life, and child bearing and child rearing can be a very fulfilling season, despite the financial cost and hard work. Grandmothering can also be joyful, and I am so grateful for this new time in my life.

• 9 Wellness Journey Aug 9, 2008

  This is exactly what I needed today. Thank you so much for sharing and I love the new look you have created. I have been stagnate on developing my webpage because it seems like everything has to be so perfect first. You helped me to break down my goals and get moving again.
  THANKS xo

• 10 Ellen Aug 10, 2008

  Hi Jennifer,

  Just catching up with you in your New Life Story! Thanks for the inspiration to move forward without knowing all the answers. Love your blog and your new directions.