Explore What’s Next with Me in Portland

I’m LOVING this workshop I’m dreaming up–it’s bubbling up from all the lost and stuck spots of my life, all my learning about getting going again. We’re going to gently listen to and befriend our fears. We’re going to notice what clues we’re tripping over. We’re going to move from resignation to creation. And we’re going to laugh and feel less alone. This one will sell out so register soon!

F.E.A.R. – False Evidence Appearing Real

I took my two little doodle dogs to get their toenails clipped yesterday morning. Their abject fear, complete with whole body trembling, panting, and pitiful small moans, made my womb contract. No, you didn’t read that wrong. When someone I love is threatened or hurt, I get this involuntary contraction, an upward pulling, right behind my pelvic bone. Then I get one whole body quiver–just one. It’s one of the ways I knew I was in love with Bob–when he hurt himself gardening and I felt my womb shiver I thought, “My god, this is for real.”

That’s a body reaction I can trust–okay, not as the sole indication of whether I love someone (that would really be weird) but as a reliable indicator of a VERY IMPORTANT connection. But it’s come to my attention this week– there is another bodily tick of mine that I can’t trust–or more accurately, I can’t trust my interpretation of. This body tick comes in the form of a welling up from my gut, a welling up which feels like the sudden and emphatic appearance of a concrete wall, a wall whose sudden appearance seems to scream “NO!” When, you ask, does this concrete wall of NO! appear? Every time I get excited about saying YES! to a new creative project.

This has been going on for almost two years. If I could swear without offending some of you, you’d know what terrible frustration I’ve been living in, with and tangled around.

I’ve been thinking this gut welling wall thing means STOP! Bad idea. Not what you are supposed to do. (That’s a key phrase I’ll come back to.) I’ve been thinking, “That’s my gut talking. That’s my intuition. That’s the Divine talking. I’ve gotten into trouble before doing projects and starting ventures that didn’t feel right and I hated it and I swore I’d never do it again. I’ll know when it’s right to start a new project.”

More months pass. More ideas. More concrete walls of NO!

Then two things happened. Bob pointed out, in some of the best coaching I have ever received, that I’m afraid. Terrified, actually. Then Eric said something along the lines of how he’s doubted he’s doing the right work for thirty years and he’s heard the same doubt in me.

These two insights hit me right in the heart. I realized I am afraid–of failing, of not having anything left to say, of never being creative again, of not being the woman Bob fell in love with–and I’m afraid of not doing the right thing with my life, not doing what I’m supposed to be doing, not living up to my potential. Me, who has never believe there is one way to be or do anything, has been believing the story myself that if I could just find the perfect project, I’d be happy, anxiety free, endlessly and effortlessly productive and, while I was at it, be my ideal weight, Lilly and I would never fight again, and the nasty smell in my fridge would magically disappear.

Can we agree then that I’ve been making a slightly flawed and perhaps overly simplified interpretation of my gut’s reaction? That it’s really been about my scared self’s need for safety at all costs–safety best had by staying in the fetal position, creatively speaking–and about my ideal self’s desire to not feel the anxiety and imperfection that comes from choosing, from doing stuff and having it be a mixed bag of love and hate, of desire and drudgery, of glamorous and boring.

So what might you do if your gut screams NO! in repetitive and unproductive ways? I’m working on it and I’ll share more in Portland and in future issues. For now, try:

Calm your body and brain. I love The Destuckifcation Packet from the amazing Havi Brooks. She’s going to be our “Epiphany Generator” at The Luscious, Nurturing Get Your Writing Done while Laughing Your Butt Off and Maybe Crying a little Too Writer’s Retreat next year in Taos. Registration opens soon.

Connect with something larger than your gut or fear or whatever is saying NO! W. H. Auden said, “The definition of prayer is paying careful and concentrated attention to something other than your own constructions.” What connects you to something bigger than you, something other?

My friend and another Brain Truster Michael Bungay Stainer blogged about my stuckness and proposed these questions to ask yourself as you are trying something that feels wrong in your gut but right in other ways:

• How’s this going?
• Is this taking me closer to, or further away from, where I want to go?
• What should I stop doing at this point? Start doing? Continue doing?

In other words, get out of your fear and get into action so you can gather some data!

I’m seriously thinking about writing Comfort During Fearful (and other perplexing) Times so expect to hear more. And please send me what you do or have done so I can share in the next issue. I love feedback! jen@jenniferlouden.com

Comfort Goodies

What about befriending fear through sound?

I have been interested in sound as a way to heal since I wrote The Woman’s Comfort Book. I’m thinking about taking Jonathan Goldman’s “Healing with Sound” tele-class. Jonathan spent many months developing the course to introduce the power of sound for healing and transformation.

Here’s something I wish I could do for my fear of marketing–Mark Silver’s retreat The Path to Profitability. Anything Mark does is so over the top high quality and spiritually nourishing and life transforming, attend if you can!

And here’s help if you struggle with fear of writing–Mark’s new Heart-Centered Article Writing Home Study Course. “How do you avoid pitfalls of hype, boredom, and writer’s block? How do you put your heart into it to be profound and engaging without getting sappy?” Mark’s newsletter is one of the best I read and it got him a gig as a blogger for the Huffington Post, the most popular blog in the world.

Comfort Wishes

Womb shivers
gut surges
concrete walls appear.
Could be love calling,
could be ancient history’s siren song of
No, don’t you dare!
Who do you think you are?
You better be careful.
You always want too much.
You’ll just fail again.

But the question is not is this lies or is this truth?
The question is not, "Is this what I’m supposed to do?"
But rather, let’s ask,
"What lives in the core of my suffering that must be embraced
What do I serve?
Imperfectly, stumbling, and hopefully, humbly.

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