For a thousand reasons and none.

My friend Ann Cheng sent  me this poem this morning.

It helped.

Robert, I hope it is kosher to share.

One Source of Bad Information

There’s a boy in you about three
Years old who hasn’t learned a thing for thirty
Thousand years. Sometimes it’s a girl.

This child had to make up its mind
How to save you from death. He said things like:
“Stay home. Avoid elevators. Eat only elk.”

You live with this child, but you don’t know it.
You’re in the office, yes, but live with this boy
At night. He’s uninformed, but he does want

To save your life. And he has. Because of this boy
You survived a lot. He’s got six big ideas.
Five don’t work. Right now he’s repeating them to you.

by Robert Bly

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The end is here somewhere! Image from SubCircle

Today is a sometimes-Wednesday, in which I eradicate posting flummoxia by offering up a jambalaya, a comfort basket, a wiry fankle (a Scottish word that means a tangle or a state of confusion)… in other words, a bit of this and tad of that.

Fankle 1#

Find the Good Booster Pack free gift is available right now – look to your right and up slightly… yes, there it is. That simple box holds untold riches.

It’s an e-course in Self-Trust drawn for the most popular month of content at the Comfort Cafe. You’ll learn, in tiny bite-sized bits, how to look to your own wisdom first, and increase your confidence and ability to navigate choices.  You’ll also get an audio about Minimum Requirements for Self-Care, which is one of those concepts that just might bring some true sanity to your life. Grab it, it’s free and worth my dogs’ weight in diamonds.

Fankle 2#

March’s Very Wise Person at the Comfort Cafe is the very wise (sorry, couldn’t help myself) Todd Kasdan, who wrote the very wise book (I’m on a roll of bad jokes here) Curiosity. In our call, I asked Todd to enlightened us about psychological resiliency and boy, did he. Okay, I’m actually not smart enough to say, “Will you enlighten us about psychological resiliency?” so what I really asked him is “Will you help us get out of our own way?” and he did that.

Here’s a little excerpt for your resiliency pleasure: ToddExcerpt**

Fankle 3#

Most days, my Brain Trust – a group of heart friends who support each other through the ups and downs of our work – share what our “high value” actions are for that day – What is the first and main thing we will each do to move our businesses forward. It’s a simple and powerful practice (try it!) and, as the years pass, we learn all kinds of things about ourselves and how we work, which is golden knowledge!

One thing I’ve been learning lately from Molly and Michael and Mark and Eric is pacing. If you have a few big days of getting a lot done, if you continue to try to get a lot done, you start procrastinating and that can lead into a downward spiral of beating yourself up and then avoiding your work.

The idea that you can work 8 hours a day every day doing high-level creative work or reaching out to clients or coaching is bullshit.

Speaking of Eric, go vote on his manifesto – Lizards & Leaders: How Meditation Accelerates Change.

Thanks for fankling with me – hope you enjoyed the bits and pieces.

**Members of the Comfort Cafe have access to a library of complete Very Wise Person recordings, including Todd’s. If all you did was listen to these calls, your life would unfold around you in a gracious carpet of enlightenment!

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On Saturday’s retreat, we coupled “I am here” with all kinds of experiences: yoga (lead by the wonderful Brandie Werner), feeling into our feet, back, hands, head and heart (also known as centering), visualization, we even said it while savoring chocolate.

I am here.

This itty-itchy phrase wakes me up with a firm tap on my pay attention chakra.

I am here.  Suddenly, wherever I am (on a plane as I write this) snaps into being.

I am aware of the chair supporting my back, my sore hip, the taste of coleslaw from dinner, the family speaking Vietnamese across the aisle, flickering images of The Office on the monitor.

I’m here. This is my life. I chose this.

I choose this.

And yes, sometimes the thought follows, “Shit, I’m here. I’m here, sitting in this tiny airline seat, my hip hurting, unable to sleep, wishing I were home already, dreading the wait for the ferry.”

But mostly, you know what happens when I declare, “I am here”?

A big whompin holy shit wow.

This is my life. This is what I’m happening right now. This precious moment.

I’m like the main character in Precious, when her teacher asks her how it feels to talk in class, and she says, “Like I’m here.”

Showing up, claiming it, even when it scares the beejuz out of me.

Which it does, about 80% of the time.

What about you? How do you claim this life? What helps you actually show up?

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At the Comfort Cafe, we use the concept of Simple Action all time. It’s one of our basic principles.

I even came up with a formula for it, which is really kind of funny, considering how math-phobic I am.

simple action + desire + pausing to see what you know now + speaking to yourself kindly = moving forward with your life with a lot less struggle and a whole lot more joy

Simple action = Something you can do all at once (no multiple steps) and you feel no more than a bit of anxiety or friction about doing it. So if writing a chapter freaks you out, then make your simple action writing a page. If that is too much, make it a paragraph. Some anxiety is good– you’re pushing yourself — but too much can shut you down.

Desire = What you would love do right now. Which is different than what you are in the mood to do. My friend Michael Neill taught me this valuable distinction. When you navigate by mood, you ask, “Do I feel like doing it?” But because your mood is influenced by so many things, from how well you slept last night to what your bank balance is, mood isn’t a reliable navigator.

But when you ask, “What would I love to do right now?” you tap into desire, the living river of your life, the life force speaking to you. Desire gets you moving. Desire inspires; mood often does not.

Pausing to know what you know now = As in, taking action based on what  you want and then pausing and seeing what you now know. Wait, did I just repeat myself?  YES because that’s all there is to it. Pause and notice. Use  your awareness to determine  your next step. We usually think we already know what to do next, which means we often end up doing what doesn’t need to be done or doesn’t further our goals because we weren’t paying attention.

Speaking to Yourself Kindly = Remembering that beating yourself up only gives you bruises, uses up valuable brain resources, and makes you life a living hell. (But if that sounds good to you, hey, amp up the private nastiness! If not, consider treating yourself with the same respect you would someone you love.)

Try it and tell me what you think or how you tinker with this process to make it your own

It works.

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Kelly made this brilliant comment:

Jen, I hope you will speak some more about the “vacuum” following leading.

I feel the same way after I lead a group and I now work to seriously ground myself–attending to basic first chakra needs: cleaning up, using the bathroom, drinking water, taking a walk.

Even so, I still find it a restlesss place to be, and I’m curious about that.

She added:

Falling asleep last night, I realized that this emptiness comes after finishing a writing project too. And after attending a birth or a dear friend’s wedding.

Which makes me think that maybe it has to do with being deeply part of something without it being “ours.”

When we lead, or support, or create, we are the vessel, but not the destination.

Kind of makes me think of Moses.

And about how it’s going to feel when my kids fly the nest.

Ouch. And AAAAAHhhhhh (awe.)!

Kelly, that’s exactly it – it is a restless place, isn’t it?!

I’ve learned that for me, some scooped out is good.  It means I’ve given it my all. Too much means I haven’t taken care of myself. One really important way to manage the scooped out feeling:

Scooped Out Moderation Tip

Image from dcnstrctr on Flickr

Create conditions of satisfaction (COS) for your event. We use COS’s a lot at the Comfort Cafe. In a nut shell, you create COS’s for anything that you want to create or achieve. COS guidelines:

• They are measurable in facts, dependent only on you, and have a time element.
• You are competent to fulfill them.
• You declare you will be satisfied even if you don’t feel satisfied.

 COS’s for leading a retreat could be, “I will take five actions each day to promote my event; I will take the afternoon and evening off the day before, to rest and meditate, starting at noon; I will invite three people to help me during the event; I will only sign books at lunch; I will ground my energy at least three times during the event.”

• Notice I can do all these things without relying on anybody else to do anything. Yes, I am inviting people to help me but I am not saying I will be satisfied if they perform a certain way. I can keep inviting people until I have 3 helpers.
• Notice I am competent to do these things – I know how and I have the time and energy.
• Notice I can measure if I did these things – or if I didn’t.
• Notice the measurable elements – by noon, three times, five actions.

What we usually do instead of naming COS’s is have vague aspirational thoughts like, “I will be happy with this retreat/yoga class/ group coaching session if everybody has a huge breakthrough” or “If 1000 people sign up” or “If everyone tells me this is the best retreat/yoga class/coaching session ever.”

Or, if we aren’t that greedy, we simply don’t ever decide what will satisfy us. So instead we feel vaguely like a failure, a hungry ghost who may start to doubt her work has any merit in the world because there is no sense of completion.

You never arrive. You’re always raising the bar on yourself.

What do you think? What do you yoga teachers/retreat leaders/coaches/parents/caretakers do to sustain yourself so you can live to lead and teach another day?

How do you deal with the restless scooped out feeling?  I’d love to hear!

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