In my most recent Self-Care Minder newsletter, I wrote about giving up the lottery syndrome and "growing down" into my life. There is an essential step in this process that I’m becoming aware of- grieving. As I wrote to a dear client about this process, "It is more fun to live in the clouds of the “big opportunity,” the glamorous dark sunglasses, the childish feeling of ‘I just want to create, I don’t want to have to deal with any of those issues like cash flow or marketing,’ she pouted, sticking her bottom lip out." It is more fun but it isn’t anywhere as satisfying, productive, or sustainable as being a fully grounded adult. And… some days it sucks to grow down into your purpose, to build a foundation, to chop wood, carry water.
As Mark Silver said in an email, "The foundation isn’t necessarily the exciting part, although it has some excitement of its own, if you can appreciate it. The excitement is understanding what you can build on top of the foundation! And- the grieving for lost dreams is a critical step- and it makes room for oh so much more.
"… I would love you to have your business have the solid foundation it needs for you to relax as much as you need to- to feel that sense of comfort that you give so well to so many people in your own business- so your business is nourishing you. Comfort is more critical than most people realize, and is actually a very deep issue."
I am so intrigued.. what is the link between foundation and comfort? How deep is it? It can’t be control, it has to be about surrender…
And what’s up for me right now is grieving the loss of the easy…
6 responses so far ↓
1 Loretta Feb 4, 2006
What an extraordinary concept and one I haven’t heard before. In some sense, we live it every day, don’t we? That feeling that someday we will begin our “real life” when ______ (fill in the blank) happens.
I am going to actively consider how to grow “down” into my life. I already had a lightbulb moment about it when I realized that instead of beating myself up about not producing more art and writing, I should be congratulating myself for turning out 4 major essays and pieces of art each year, on top of working full time. Thanks for this perspective.
2 Mark Silver Feb 6, 2006
Ahh… the link between ‘foundation’ and ‘comfort.’ Well, there is an ancient Sufi teaching that basically goes like this: Surrender -> Faith -> Excellence.
However, many of us approach it from the other direction: we want to do everything right (‘excellence’) so that we can trust it’s going to be okay (‘faith’) and then it will be okay to be where we are (‘surrender’).
Typical with most things the ego tries on- it’s mostly correct, just backwards.
The concept of ‘growing down’ (I love that phrase- I’ll have to use it myself!) as you put it, it’s about surrender, as you already pointed out. By surrendering to where you already are (‘surrender’) then you can begin to really see where you are, the details, what’s going on. And, you can began to trust that where you are is okay (‘faith’).
As you begin to have faith… sidenote: I distinguish ‘faith’ – which I define as a full-in-your-body feeling or knowing of something, as opposed to ‘belief’ which is a mental understanding, that may or may not accompany ‘faith’- belief, without faith, is often mistaken and dealing with only a partial truth, spiritually or physically…
anyway, that’s a sidenote. To finish up- when you have that in-your-body feeling of trust and faith, it breeds confidence. With confidence you begin to move in the flow, and you can act with ‘excellence’.
I don’t know much that’s more comfortable that in-your-body trust, and acting in that trust to produce excellence.
Did I make that clear? Not too esoteric, I hope, because this teaching is one I’m constantly being reminded of every day, whenever I try to get ahead of myself.
3 Daina (Dinah) Puodziunas Feb 6, 2006
Being humbled by willing to hang out in “the gap between what we want to creat and what we are actually creating is an amazing ride for me right now.
I woke up to the startling realization that my partner 10 years wasn’t going to change and that it was all MY money that was on the line (this was two years ago.) We were trying to design a business together and it was a disaster founded on “magical thinking” (dreaming without taking action.)
My father died eight months ago. I’m 52 with three grandchildren.
I have had to pull a hell of a lot together in a short period of time. The blog gives words to the energetic undercurrent of what I am and have been going through (surfing the edge of) for some time. Like needing to work on foundations which I have been doing as I continue to create what I have always professed to want to create, but hid away from in my usual creative cleverly disguised ways.
I’m laying foundations like taking computer classes that are excrusiating for my creative little self (threw me right back into sittin in one of those god aweful desks in grade school having to do things I hated.) My tacher was an angel who allowed me to throw huge tantrums and I ended up getting an A. Proud
I’m writing articles, e-books, and designing my midlife fairy godmother school. I’m facing every fear I’ve ever not faced.
I’m so grateful for people like yourselves who make me feel like I may be sane after all!
In gratitude ~
4 Helga Feb 7, 2006
I feel that foundation and comfort are nearly identical, or at least closely related, and that they DO have to do with “control” (such an overused word, and recently only with negative connotations). Looking at foundation, what we may “grow down” to (lovely phrase indeed, Jen!) are our core beliefs and values, in Mark Silver’s sense of “in-your-body”. We identify what we hold true and dear, and use this place as our home base from which to venture forth into the unknown. This place is also our “comfort zone”, in the sense that we can use this personal integrity as a template to identify what does not work for us. The guide of what fits and what doesn’t is, as always, our gut. Control comes in as we fiercely guard our precious core against intruders (concepts, people, outer cicumstances) as we set healthy boundaries, and as we try to adapt areas of our lives to that core. Big wake-ups come when we’ve grown down enough to find that major areas of our lives (e.g., our work, our relationships) do not bring us comfort because they don’t fit with our foundation. That reliazation puts us in the “gap” Daina referred to where, from our foundation, we either reject or try to adapt (quite in the evolutionary science model sense). This is the time, especially in adaptation mode, when we can re-evaluate our foundation and comfort to perhaps adjust some areas to our constantly changing dynamic nature. So, let’s live down, and then a little bit up, and then deep down again.
5 Molly Gordon Feb 8, 2006
Whooo.
May I just say that reading this interchange gives me goose bumps? I feel as though you are tapping into something profoundly important. You asked, “what is the link between foundation and comfort?” For me, it may be TRUST, that in-the-body trust that arises when I not only let go but also let God. Often for me that looks like “growing down” into my need, growing down into my longing for true nourishment and support.
This morning I woke in such a rich state of well being and gratitude. I slept well, and I slept in. I’ve been eating well, and I’ve been receiving so much from the people and the world around me. And while acts of self-comfort are one dimension of the well being I’m experiencing, they are in a sense just physical demonstrations of a deeper source of comfort. I trust that I can stop striving. I stop. I thrive.
It’s not as easy as it may sound, and I don’t believe that sleeping in is the key to happiness. I do know that reversing the order in which I have all my life sought to “live up to my potential” — changing EXCELLENCE –> FAITH –> SURRENDER (or even SURRENDER–> EXCELLENCES –> FAITH!) to SURRENDER –> FAITH –> EXCELLENCE seems to be reordering my whole way of being. I trust it because it’s NOT all sweetness and light. I trust it because the comfort, when it arises, is grounded in something far deeper than my cravings for security. This comfort somehow transcends security — how can “I” even want to be secure when “I” only exist as a moment-to-moment expression of The Divine?
It’s funny. Attempting to capture this experience does lead me to high flown language, but the experience itself is quite humble, grounded, down low. Perhaps the relationship of comfort to foundation then is trust: trust that my naked need to trust is the only possible or necessary proof of the existence of a Power Infinitely Greater than Myself. When I abandon myself to that need (and stay awake), it is as though I am falling through space and — while I am still falling — I notice that I am cradled in the hands of God. I’m allowed to be scared, but I cannot pretend that I am not taken care of. This produces both deep spiritual comfort and the conviction that of course I can “afford” to take care of myself. That, in turn, makes foundation building possible. I don’t need to skip any steps. I don’t have to rush.
So often I have built sloppy or inadequate foundations because I did not trust that I had the time or materials to construct a solid base. Comfort is knowing that I don’t and knowing that Someone or Something else does.
Jennifer, I am so glad you are my friend, and I love the conversation you have started here — not to mention the people who have come to this table. (Hi Dainah! Hi Mark!)
6 Kayll Feb 13, 2006
While we may be grieving what we may have been, I think we can more fully embrace who we are.
Can we be comfortable and yet grow at the same time?