Hey, I love gratitude as much as the next self-help writer…. Only… I didn’t used to.
I used to not get the whole gratitude rap. Trying to be grateful always felt strained to me, forced and pious. Set my teeth on edge. As in I should be grateful. Cue the angels. (Have I mentioned I’m not so fond of harps?)
I don’t want to feel grateful, my inner rebel would snarl.
And, of course, I felt like a spiritual loser for not feeling grateful. Bad Jenny, look at all you have and you’re not grateful. Plus, frankly, it felt bad. Like I was missing something really scrumptious.
Anna teaches me
It was my dear friend Anna Bunting about 12 years ago who taught me how to feel gratitude, instead of think it. We were part of a group of six women who meet every week. We’d discuss a topic and eat chocolate.
Only that sounds so dry. It was never dry.
(Like the time our topic was “What would you pack if there was a nuclear war or some other big disaster and you had one hour to pack?” I arrived wearing a big backpack filled with books and photographs and my grandmother’s quilt. Another woman came empty handed: what was the point of packing anything? Another friend came packed for survival– for one. In her story, her family was already dead and she was headed to the mountains alone. See, not dry.)
So one night
our topic was, you guessed it, gratitude. I was whining about not getting the whole concept, and how it felt forced to me, and then Anna gently laid her hand on my arm (she probably wanted to gently slap me) and pointed out that I could simply notice what was right in front of me. What did I feel genuinely grateful for right now?
(Put down the significance Jen, and focus on what’s here. It doesn’t have to be a big ding-dang-do.)
I pretended to get what she was saying but I was still snarling inside and feeling like a spiritual fraud. Until a bit later when I raised my hand to wipe my nose or something mundane, and POP BAM WHAMMY! There was this burst of sun and childhood goodness, an olfactory yum of benevolence. It took me a breath to understand I was simply smelling the lingering scent of satsumas on my fingers from lunch. And everything came together, Anna’s invite, the scent of childhood, the memories it triggered…
Oh, so this is gratitude.
Oh, I get it.
Oh that feels really, really good.
I started to weep as I looked around at those women whom I loved, and at my funky living room with its early marriage mis-mash of furniture– bits of my mom and my history– and of Lilly’s toys in the corner, family snapshots, the good dark chocolate on the coffee table, the trees swaying outside in the wind.
Oh, so this is gratitude.
Tell me, what do you notice right now? No effort, no angels, no harps.
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27 responses so far ↓
1 Jennifer Hofmann Nov 25, 2008
Right now? The cat whose incessant licking usually drives me nuts… the chicken roasting in the oven… (oh, it is so hard not to contrive and become falsely sentimental)
No harps.
I’m grateful that I’m hungry right now and I know that I’ll eat in an hour when dinner (warm, nourishing) is ready. I’m grateful I can make my rent this month. For very generous friends who believe in my work.
Thanks for asking the real question, Jen.
2 Nona Nov 25, 2008
The sun on the trees outside my window, birdsong, the fresh smell of Spring.
Gratitude — not guilt.
3 Kate Harding Nov 25, 2008
What I notice is that I’m on-the-edge-of-tears tired, and I’m grateful that I can feel that and be aware of that and not be freaking out panicking that something must be *wrong*. I’m grateful for my slowly-but-constantly increasing ability to have a *relationship* with my emotions, as opposed to being swept away by them or burying them.
OK, let me preface the rest of this comment by saying that I now consider gratitude to be a key spiritual principle and wonderful thing. But… I used to hate gratitude too. I used to hate it the way I hated Christmas. Because I felt that when people gave you presents, they didn’t actually want to *give* you happiness with them, they wanted to *get* happiness *from* you, they wanted your reaction to make *them* feel better. I felt I was expected to be *grateful* for something that people were doing for *themselves*, not for me. And so the word ‘grateful’ made me angry.
I probably sound really crazy now.
But you know what the word gratitude reminds me of? Oliver Twist. The Bumbles going on and about how *grateful* Oliver should be for all they’ve done for him.
But fortunately, even though I still don’t much like the *word*, I did at some point get past all that crap and discover that actually gratitude is a wonderful, expansive feeling. I just think we have the wrong name for it. Actually, I think gratitude is much more than just thankfulness. Hm, there’s a whole post here. I’m about to start blogging, so I’ll save this and write a post of my own on the subject.
4 Irene Nov 26, 2008
You. Rain. Being alive. Not hurting. My family. Work that feeds and clothes us. Christ and His peace.Today.
5 chris zydel Nov 26, 2008
Hi Jen,
Yes, I totally get it. I used to feel that same snarly rebellious way about gratitude. It seemed faky somehow and like my feelings of disgruntlement or resentment or bad moodiness or whatever were so much more authentic.
But then I fell in love with the most amazing, kind, sweet, talented and just all around good man. Who totally and completely adored me ( and still does). And I had so much to be grateful for.
His love for me just broke my heart wide open and I became more open to life and to the world. And I realized that my bad attitude around gratitude was in fact not authentic at all but just a defense against feeling vulnerable.
Because when my heart is filled with gratitude it makes me all soft and gooshy and tender. And it didn’t feel safe to be that way before. But it sure does now!
Thanks for another great post! Have I told you lately that you rock?
6 Lynne Nov 26, 2008
Right this moment…
… for the ability to take small steps toward something bigger
… for inner peace in these outwardly troubled times
… for the changing seasons
… for the wise words of others and their amazing insights that help me to look at myself and my world in new ways
7 Betsy Nov 26, 2008
I think we are at our least grateful when we feel we don’t deserve what we’ve been given, that we have paid insufficiently for it. I loved the description of your breakthrough.
I’m grateful in this moment that everything is enough.
It took a long time for me to get to this place.
Thanks, and Happy Thanksgiving.
8 Kate Nov 26, 2008
Hi Jen,
I’ve resisted gratitude too. It always felt like another thing I should be doing. But just last week a friend changed the word for me. Now I appreciate. Gratitude felt like something coming from outside myself. Appreciation feels like something coming from inside myself. Keeping an appreciation journal doesn’t have the same ring to it though. So I still use the word gratitude externally, but I think “appreciate”. It just feels more authentic to me.
I appreciate my cup of tea. I appreciate cinnamon toast on a cold morning.
9 Rachael Nov 26, 2008
For a cozy day of book-selecting at work, the pumpkin pie I had for breakfast, that I have a list as long as I do of people to express my gratitude for, that I have come to “get” gratitude in a way that is nourishing rather than punitive, and this community of bloggers that I have recently discovered.
I also used to feel like gratitude was something imposed on me; that it was a ‘should’ that invalidated my pain and served as proof of the bad things I thought about myself. But now it is a feeling I welcome and seek out. It is a loving way of attending to all I *do have* and on the abundance all around me, rather than the feeling of lack that used to pervade my every thought, feeling and action.
For that too, I am grateful.
10 Cindy Nov 26, 2008
im thankful for indoor plumbing. now you mighht ask why? well i was thinking of my gram who lived through the early 1900′s and they had an outhouse and this was in south dakota! can u imgaine having to go outside in the cold and snow in the middle of the night to do your business? NO thank you! so yes im thankful for indoor plumbing!
also the change of color in the leaves, my sunggly pets whom i love. wonderful ppl in my life. having a job and a home. having a heating blanket on my bed that makes my bed toasty so i dont have to climb into cold sheets.
warm coffee in the morning. my health. that i live in a democracy and not darfur, the sudan or congo. that my angel wakes me up most mornings before the alarm. (i hate alarms!) my husband and his stable job. a decent car not a clunker. that i have food in my cupboards and fridge. NATURE!
ok the list is endless i need to stop. i feel god has truly blessed me.
11 cindy devine Nov 26, 2008
The peace and quite of the day. It is 2:30 in the afternoon, I am alone at my computer. The sun is shining in the window towards me. The cats are sleeping. No t.v., no noise outside, just peacefulness. I am grateful for that!
12 Jennifer Nov 26, 2008
I am grateful for each and every word you all wrote.
For the conversation in the grocery store.
For Bob lying in the living room doing yoga nidra.
For the sunshine!
For my baby girl.
For the doodles in their baskets.
For a holiday tomorrow.
For feeling like writing.
For standing up for myself this morning and communicating clearly to move the comfort summit forward.
For the sunshine (had to say it twice)
I love this life!
13 google pack | HP.com HP United States Nov 26, 2008
[...] How I Used to Hate Gratitude (Like the time our topic was “What would you pack if there was a nuclear war or some other big disaster and you had one hour to pack?” I arrived wearing a big backpack filled with books and photographs and my grandmother’s quilt. … [...]
14 google books | Intel.com Nov 26, 2008
[...] How I Used to Hate Gratitude I arrived wearing a big backpack filled with books and photographs and my grandmother’s quilt. Another woman came empty handed: what was the point of packing anything? Another friend came packed for survival — for one. … [...]
15 Marisa Nov 26, 2008
Today the sun was shining onto the stairs and my living room. My dogs who are always happy to see me. The smell of the pumpkin candle burning in my kitchen. The feel of yarn as I crochet it into a blanket for a shelter animal. The dirty dishes in my sink, the clean ones in my dishwasher. Glitter glue. My friend’s baby being a total handful when I babysit him. Classical music. Not having a cold anymore.
16 Helga Nov 27, 2008
I live in the desert, where it hasn’t rained in months!, so: Rain. The intoxicating scent of its promise all day yesterday. Waking up to its drum solo on the roof about an hour ago, at 5 am. The anticipation of feeling the Aaaah! from my cacti, from my resident hummingbirds, from the dusty air. It’s a good morning!
Being able to share this with all of you – and, of course, indoor plumbing – are close seconds
17 Pace Nov 27, 2008
You. Posting really sweet things that make me teary and smiley. (:
18 Anne in Virginia Nov 27, 2008
I share Kate Harding’s discomfort with the word gratitude . . . too many memories of my mother telling me how GRATEFUL I should be for everything she and my father did for me, how I should get down on my knees in thanks every day to have such loving parents, how they worked so HARD every day for us . . . urgle. I always thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t feel at all grateful, just put-upon and angry. (One night, at about age 10, I said to my mother in exasperation, “After all, I didn’t ASK to be born!”) It took several decades before I realized that what she was peddling wasn’t love but resentment. And like the Bumbles in Oliver Twist, insisting on gratitude as payment didn’t bring it forth.
Thanks, other Kate (?) for the word “appreciation.” I like it much better; m0re immediate and evocative of the emotion.
So, today I appreciate the Comfort Queen community, where people share honestly and kindly. And Jen, for her courage and willingness to grow and learn in front of us all. A friend posted Marianne Williamson’s wonderful passage from A Return to Love, and I’ll just quote the last line, which perfectly describes the effect of Jen’s work: “And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
19 sandy Nov 28, 2008
I’m among those having trouble with “gratitude.” It’s amazing to me that this topic actual exists for me to write a response to — it’s one of the oddities that I share with my husband, that we question gratitude.
To me, gratitude begs for a “to” along with the “for” — like, I’m grateful *to* my mother *for* her loving parenting. For experiences and attention and material things given to me, I am grateful to the givers.
But if I express gratitude for any of the trappings of the privileged-white-upper-middle-class- American existence into which I was born, then to whom or what am I grateful? If I’m grateful to any entity or spirit, am I not somehow embracing the idea that these “blessings” were purposefully given to me, Sandy, which then means that the blessings were purposefully *not* given to, say, someone in Darfur or Afghanistan or the South Bronx?
I’m uncomfortable being grateful for what I believe is pure dumb luck. I am more comfortable being appreciative of it, and humbled by it. I am incredibly conscious of and relieved by my good fortune. I strive to notice, to be aware, to love, to *savor* the good things that are to be found in any moment. But grateful, ehh…
Now, I am grateful to Jen, because she purposely chose to write about this interesting topic, and grateful to those of you who shared your interesting thoughts!
–sandy
20 Christine Nov 29, 2008
Right now I’m grateful for:
The sunlight streaming through the glass door onto the bed where I sit, pillows propped behind me, laptop on more pillows in front of me.
People like you who right about what’s important and teach me to just be in the moment.
The puppy who is pacing around the room nudging my elbow with her cold, wet nose.
Left over fettuccine in the fridge that I’m going to heat up for lunch.
The four day weekend that I decided to enjoy without any guilt or agenda.
21 Emma Larkins Nov 29, 2008
This was a wonderful post to come across, because I’ve been struggling with this issue over the past few days (namely, trying to work myself up for the Thanksgiving spirit!) I know, logically, that I have so, so much to be grateful for. But at the same time, I feel trapped in a certain situation that seems to have no resolution for me for the near future… anger at myself for getting into this situation makes gratitude difficult. But I’m working on it, and working on making myself stronger so that I can take the steps I need to take to be happy. Thanks for the honest discussion of this subject!
And thanks to the Kate that mentioned cinnamon toast! I haven’t had that in ages, and I love it! I appreciate the fond memory.
22 Marlene Dec 1, 2008
First is always life itself because after having had 99% blocked artery, I get it that every day is one more blessing.
Finishing my first writing assignment in 10 years and having the editor say she loved it.
That my granddaughter (whom I coparent) doesn’t have band this morning–we didn’t have to get up and to the bus an hour early.
23 Laura Dec 1, 2008
HUGE appreciation for my heated mattress pad!! my kitty napping on my lap. candle burning. pretty new brick red scarf. womensisterfriend. snowfall and sun shining to melt it. breathing.
24 Amy Dec 1, 2008
Jen,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your difficulty with gratitude! I still struggle with it (damn perfectionism) and came across a little insight this past week thinking about it AGAIN. I think I’m afraid to be grateful. As in, if I am grateful will it be a signal to the Universe that I’m settling? Will I be denied any future wishes, hopes, desires, etc. because I’ve already told the Universe that it has given me enough already (and that is okay with me, thank you so very much, oh you really don’t have to give me more. Please, you’re being too generous.)? Is it even possible to be truly grateful and still have hopes, dreams, desires, wishes, interests?
25 Dave Jan 26, 2009
“They wanted your reaction to make *them* feel better. I felt I was expected to be *grateful* for something that people were doing for *themselves*, not for me.”
This can be a tough one – it’s difficult to deal with managing other people’s reactions. I just try to be grateful someone was thinking of me (or at least pretend they were thinking of me!)
Dave’s last blog post..How To Help Someone Change Their Life In Four Days
26 Susan Jan 31, 2009
Thank you for writing about gratitude. I’ve gotten pretty good at recognizing the blessings of the universe over the years, but can always use a reminder. I can see wonder in the way my hands work, the way the plants grow, in the weather, in seasons, machines, food, soap, sun, animals, art, water – well, absolutely everything.
Today I’m staying in to rest and reset myself. I’m grateful for my warm clothes and my warm bed and sofa to take naps on. Think I’ll light a fire in the fireplace and just stare at the flame.
Susan’s last blog post..Moving kinda slow
27 Matthew | Step into the Flow Nov 27, 2009
Screw gratitude. Really.
Of course there’s value in it, but it’s pushed. It’s pushed to the point that there’s mindfuck involved. Gratitude is like meditation. You can’t push it. It is or it isn’t. The best way to teach gratitude is to be grateful yourself, especially of things like anger and hatred.
One thing I liked : http://www.polarisrising.com/gratitude-being-open-to-what-is.html