I am cooking with the book now, or at least I think I am (my editor will tell me, and then you!) and I find I don’t have a lot to give creatively anywhere else (or at home; my daughter is actually wanting my attention, which makes me grin as in she wants me for a change!). Maybe that is why the last couple issue of my newsletter have felt a little dry to me and maybe that is why I received an email mentioning that the newsletter, while interesting, it has not been inspiring, and my reader wants inspiration. Who can blame her? I do, too. She went on to ask if my April program at Kripalu would be inspiring, she wanted to be sure and choose the right program for her.
I felt so much, reading her email. My first reaction was, "How the hell do I know?" My second was gratitude. God, I love honesty. I love that she could write and ask me that- that is so amazing to me- will you be able to give me what I want? Or are you too fucked up? (That’s obviously my read.) I felt fear: have I been found out as the whiny white bread girl who really isn’t all that grateful and connected to God, and certainly isn’t able to inspire others and really just wants to stare her navel?
Then I felt into the truth:once again the pace of my work has outstripped my creative juice. Curses! I can’t give, create, inspire, learn as consistently as I would like. That is the issue- the pace of creating and sharing and being in the world often outstrips my ability to keep up with it. (And I have four people working part time for me.) Doing a weekly newsletter is a way to build a foundation for my business, which helps me combat the insidious lottery syndrome, yet I can’t always write a great newsletter. Which leads to my reader’s question (again, as I see it): If you can’t be consistent in your newsletter, can you be consistent in your facilitating? Who will you be when you show up to teach?
Guess what? I don’t know.
Welcome to the creative process, again.
Can you hear my cursing?
(Thanks, reader, for the wonderful chance to reflect.)
17 responses so far ↓
1 Michael Bungay Stanier Feb 28, 2006
Part of being creative, in my judgement, is recognizing its cyclical nature – you know, summer fall winter spring and so on.
What’s interesting, of course, is how you react to those seasons (knowing they’re coming doesn’t necessarily make it any easier when they arrive). Can you relax into it? Can you ask for help? Can you admit failure? How much of the struggle do you show and share? How much do you fake it?
When someone finds out the answer, would they let me know?
Michael
2 Jennifer louden Feb 28, 2006
My question is how to adjust my business life to accommodate these cycles? Is it that same conflict between the artist and the production mode? Is it feminine being or flow vs. masculine doing or achieving? Or is it just friggin reality?
3 Barbara Mar 1, 2006
Heck, me thinks you ask too much of yourself. Your being there and giving of yourself as constantly as you do, unfolding in front of us, and being in all the places that you show up – is just amazing. You are like the most wonderful safety and comfort blanket always available and ready to share every little tiny lesson – good or bad – that you learn along the way. I say thank and bless you over and over.
4 sandylouwho Mar 1, 2006
I rush to your defense!
I think you are totally inspiring in the fact that you have committed to writing a regular newsletter again, and OF COURSE “mileage may vary” for each individual reader!
A newsletter that is inspiring to me one week maybe not be inspiring to another reader that week — but that’s what happens when a writer SHOWS UP every week to write a newsletter (or whatever kind of foundational practice)! Can’t please all the people all of the time.
To jump from this to questioning whether you’ll be “inspirational” in a Kripalu workshop, well, that’s a whole different thing! There, you are putting on a performance of sorts, and you are certainly professional enough to offer the same inspiring experience that you are known for, no matter what they level of your creative juices.
The newsletter is a more intimate reflection of what’s going on in your creative life. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Sandy in Florida
(PLEASE come to Florida!)
5 Jennifer Louden Mar 1, 2006
Gosh, I thank you for the reflection of being good enough. I want to say I wasn’t being hard on myself but dammit, I was, wasn’t i? Those same old patterns come back when life conditions get stressful. So thanks for inviting me to be imperfect and kind to myself at the same time- what freedom I feel!
6 Jennifer Louden Mar 1, 2006
Sandy- what would you like me to do in Florida? I was raised there so I’m always game to come back… just have never found the right venue…
7 Lauren Miranda Mar 1, 2006
Jen dear, your courage to reveal your evolving process as a human being inspires me more than anything you do. To be with “all of it” – the creativity, the blind spots, the tender emotions, the terror – encourages me to breathe into my own version of “all of it” (much like your own, actually). The kaleidescope of who we are is all we can be – and it’s colorful and real and varied and sometimes it gives us a headache, but on the whole, it’s wonderful!
8 Sandi Mar 1, 2006
Jen,
The day before you wrote this, I was thinking about you and ALL that you are putting into the world and my thought was “How in the world does she get it all done?” You have this big, creative, juicy, out loud and out there life…it’s not always going to be easy keeping it together. And you seem to manage better than most people I know. Cut yourself a big break…and enjoy it with your favorite cup of tea
Sandi
9 sandylouwho Mar 1, 2006
Jennifer,
What would I like you to do in Florida, you ask? Anything! Creativity, surfing the waves of change, midlife, writing! Your retreats always sound so…yummy, but they are so far away from me and I hate to fly.
Have you ever looked into Florida retreat centers? There are some good ones, I think. I have a publication that is mailed to 90,000 homes in central Florida every month — I’d pump it up in there for free! And surely you have people on your e-mail list who would love to be somewhere warm in the winter months, or who love the beach. Just need to avoid hurricane season!
I think you should seriously consider this, after the book is done, of course. Let’s both see what the universe sends our way in terms of word of mouth about great Florida sites. Meanwhile, blessings to you as you crunch to get the book done!
Sandy
10 Tara Mar 1, 2006
I had to laugh after reading this post. I was downstairs on my laptop when I read the newsletter tonight and I couldn’t find a pen to write down something in my notebook that had inspired me. I vowed to go back later so I wouldn’t forget it. Then, I came to my upstairs computer to send some work to a client and thought I’d reward myself after a long day by seeing what you had been blogging about lately. Last time I checked your blog I realized I had missed a number of exciting posts over the span of a week or two, and I found myself wondering how you could possibly have time to be so inspiring despite your upcoming deadline when I couldn’t even make time to be inspired by you. I think Sandy had it exactly right when she said that what is dry to one may be exactly what another needs to read. Just seeing your name in my inbox is inspiring, because it reminds me that there are women who have recognized their purpose in life and are working daily to fulfill it. Thank you.
11 sandylouwho Mar 2, 2006
Tara, I agree. Just seeing her name in my inbox is inspiring!
Sandy
12 Molly Gordon Mar 2, 2006
Dear friend! What can I say that hasn’t been said? (Far be it from me to keep quiet on that account, though. Tee hee.)
Yes, with you I can find it in me to love the honesty of the reader who wroe asking if you could/would meet her needs at Kripalu. AND, I notice that when I have (often) felt like she sounds, I am living out a strategy of being so consistently hard on myself that I can’t stand it when other people — especially people who supposedly have it together (famous people, coaches, best selling authors) — show vulnerabilities that I deny or dislike in myself.
As a writer and coach in the public eye, I get my share of similar complaints and admonitions. Usually it feels like a kick in the solar plexus, at least at first. That’s how deeply my own insecurities and need to be perfect in order to be safe run sometimes. The foot comes out of my gut as I identify with the complainer, as I appreciate that they put into words what I have often felt. The ache subsides when I also realize that these words only hurt me because, on some level, I both agree with them and think that this means there is something wrong.
“Oh God! She’s right. I have been blatantly commercial. And that means that I can’t be trusted.”
See? It’s the “and that means” that causes my grief.
It happens that I have found your blog and newsletter more uplifting, inspiring, and authenticating (my momentary substitute for empowering) than ever. Your style of exploring and sharing (and transforming) your vulnerabilities moves me. Does it work for everyone? No. Wouldn’t it be odd if it did?
You rock. You roll. You da bomb. Don’t change a thing.
13 Molly Gordon Mar 2, 2006
PS I want to go to Florida with you!
14 Jennifer Louden Mar 2, 2006
Okay, Jennifer, breathe. Breathing is good. It is okay to be liked for being honest…
“But they don’t know how flabby your butt is or how you would really like to roast one of the kids in Lilly’s class or Lilly, on some days, for that matter, they don’t really know YOU.”
Oh not that old line again? Aren’t we all flabby and mean somewhere?
“And so? Why should anyone read your books or blog? Because you’re honest.”
“Look, voice of discontent, all I know to do is keep trying to love and keep trying to spread ideas that help people love themselves. So sue me.”
“I would if I could.”
“You know, you are loved too. These people even love you. Or at least they would tolerate you and give you a bowl of soup and a really soft blanket.”
“Really.”
“Yes, there really is that much love in the world. It really is okay to soak it up. We really are all connected.”
15 cindy Mar 3, 2006
yes, we are all flabby and mean at times. im slowly beginning to accept that.
jen i cannot thank you enough for your transparency with the world. i think REAL-NESS is what the entire world needs. wasnt it the velveteen rabbit whon only became “real” once he was truly loved? perhaps this is why we all try to love others into their realness.
also i would like to thank you for your blog and how it has created community. i glean wonderful tidbits of wisdom from what others put out here.
bravo!
cindy
16 Helga Mar 3, 2006
Excellent! Now that you’re just about there we can look further at the “and that means”. What would it mean if people don’t read your book (completely hypothetical!!)? It would mean people don’t read your book. That’s it, nothing more. If you wanted to, you could regroup, look at critiques, agree with some, disagee with others, re-write the book, or say “to heck with it.” What have you been telling yourself it would mean if people didn’t read your book? Would that make you incompetent, uninspiring? No. Would that make you unloved? No. Would that make you dishonest? No. Would that plunge you into financial disaster, put you out into the streets? No. etc., etc. – Try this one on the ‘roasting children’ scenario
– Any of our “not good enough” scenarios in our heads are stories that, in most instances, are not true. As you get rid of those stories, you can also let go of the feelings and reactions they produce. Now you can be who you are and write that book.
Secondly, the psych-technical version: emotions don’t exist on their own, but are reactions to thougths(internal monologue). Fearful thougths create fearful emotions. Anger is a secondary reaction to fear, and it’s now raising its head in your defiant dialogue with that story-harboring emotional inner terrorist. – You go! Let ‘er rip! – Just as with ‘stories’ a la Byron Katie, check for assumptions (“cognitive distortions”) you may make and allow to interfere with your objective reasoning. Do away with assumptions that are not rooted in truth and you have just glorious you, loved by and inspiring to many, sometimes mean, sometimes flabby, sometimes aspiring child-roaster. Now you can write that book.
BTW: I’ve never assumed that you’re a saint
17 Jennifer Louden Mar 7, 2006
Oh Helga, you really didn’t assum I was a saint?
I love your wisdom and am so glad I get to partake of it!
Jen