That’s the tag line for this blog/website – Kindly Find Yourself – and it’s a phrase I’m sweetly resonating with right now. It is becoming my little creative beacon.
My friend Eric wrote this in response to me talking to him about Kindly Find Yourself as a retreat/class title:
Kindly – Do this with loving kindness.
Kindly – This is my gentle request that you turn around and find yourself.
Kindly – (with a little more edge in your voice) Stop tying yourself up in the knots of your stories. Find yourself.
For me, the first step in kindly finding myself is letting myself be lost. I feel so ashamed that I don’t know what I’m doing or who I am at 45, almost 46. I like to keep stopping and saying, “It’s okay to feel lost right now because that is how I feel right now. It’s okay to feel bad about feeling lost right now because that’s how I feel. It’s not necessary to beat myself up for feeling lost nor do I feel lost in all domains of my life. This feeling of being lost in my creative work won’t last and even if it does, it’s okay because I am not what I do.”
Speaking of “I am not what I do” am I the only one who wants to run away from the Internet and all social media because it feels so overwhelming? It’s like a demon named Do Everything and Do It Big and Do it Now is biting at my heels ((I just joined FaceBook so that might be part of it). I want to run away . Okay, going to stop and welcome that feeling Demon too… “It’s okay to feel overwhelmed because that’s how I feel. But god, I hate feeling this way. It’s okay I hate feeling this way, I can still feel the feeling.” It really helps if I do this welcoming while relaxing my body or going for a walk or doing some art journaling. Also reading Rumi helps:
THE GUEST HOUSE
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awarenessWelcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
The second thing that helps is reading other people’s journals and blogs and talking to my friend Ann and my beloved Bob so I feel/ see/ know I am not alone in feeling lost, and that most of us do — especially at mid life. I have to remember to reach out and get some of this support when I need it most instead of telling myself I AM THE ONLY ONE FEELING THIS WAY and then not spend all day reading blogs and talking on the phone so that I don’t actually do any creative work because doesn’t feel good.
The third thing that helps is watching happy movies that are smart like Miss Pettigrew Lives for Day and reading books like What It Is by Lynda Barry
Okay, back to kindly finding myself and designing a class and retreats so we can do it together. Love to hear what you are doing to kindly find yourself today!
14 responses so far ↓
1 Sunny Aug 22, 2008
How nice to hear my own thoughts echoed so perfectly! I’m 57 and re-thinking my assumptions of what comes next. It’s so freeing.
2 Isabel Aug 22, 2008
I am so with you, Miz Jen! I think not “making it happen RIGHT NOW” is one of the more radical activities we can experiment with.
When I was reading your post I got such a strong image in my mind — what if Your Next Thing isn’t quite ready for YOU yet? I have this picture of a buzz of activity Somewhere Else, because they’re hurrying to be ready for your most excellent self’s contribution. See, you’re not stuck, you’re just ready a little early.
As long as you have extra time, would you mind running to the store and picking up a couple of salmon filets for the dogs? They’re communicating to me that they need more Omega-3 fatty acids. Thx.
3 rebecca Aug 22, 2008
Feeling lost – yes, I’m there, have been for awhile now – I can’t say I’m dealing with it gracefully – but I’m dealing. Is there a way to deal with it gracefully? I think if I dealt with it gracefully it would mean I’m dealing with it at all – just pretending.
4 Karen Stewart Aug 22, 2008
I’ve been thinking about feelings yesterday and today. Part of me tries to figure feelings out–what does THAT feeling mean and I’ll try to trace it all the way back to being in my mother’s womb or God’s womb or feeling’s womb. So I decided I would simply let the feeling be–you know, feel the feeling and all that and not make it a dot-to-dot in my head or in my journal or in my conversation to my best friend.
I’m 51 years old and have tried to “feel” the feelings for two days and I’m busted. So I don’t know what the balance is for feelings–if you decide to feel them–who are you going to put on the other side of the seesaw to balance their weight. I don’t know. But a few more days of this and I’ll look like I’m aging at warp speed and be “feeling” pretty sad about that. I’m reminded of what Liz Gilbert writes in Eat Pray Love when she’s being stung by mosquitoes as she’s trying to meditate. At some point she just gives in to the pain and the stings. Eventually the pain lessens as she moves into it. Liz is gleeful about this revelation–and I would be as well. She goes back inside after meditation, counts twenty or so mosquito bites and says they go away (the bites) pretty fast. She says eventually everything goes away. I try to think about the mosquitoes when the feelings are stinging my butt and my heart and my big left toe. I try to remember (and hey, it’s not working for me just yet–but I’m just trying) everything eventually goes away.
WARNING!! Do not attempt this alone-feeling the feeling. Or if you do attempt it alone, don’t tell the universe. The universe thinks it’s a funny little trick to play when one decides to be experiential about one’s feelings and promptly dump a shit load of them at our door. (I know Rumi calls them guests, but he was a lot more self-actualized than I am).
P.S. I tried to put as many metaphors in here as possible at 12:34 a.m. because I like metaphors and they make a hefty word cocktail at this time of the early morning. Here’s to all our feelings!!
5 Pam S. Aug 23, 2008
“Isn’t it wonderful that I know I am lost?!” would be my affirmation right now.
Just to be enlightened enough to KNOW…and once comfortable with the feeling, let it be the beginning of all those things that are waiting for me!
The deeper we get into our spiritual selves do these lost times occur to let us know it!
Can you hear those Munchkins singing, “We’re outta the woods…?”
Blessings, Pam
6 Jennifer Aug 23, 2008
Isabel, thank you again for not only making me laugh but making me feel hopeful… I’ve sent a small raft filled with salmon across the sound, it should be at the dock opposite your apartment any moment now…
Karen, have you read Happiness by the French Buddhist monk Ricard? I’m reading it and I like his take on putting your attention on the moment between thoughts and feelings… and also the reminder that all feelings come from thoughts… but what do I know? i am resisting everything and did I mention I have a sprained pelvis that hurts like the dickens? How do you think I go that?
7 Tara Aug 23, 2008
Thanks for the “stuckification” link. I had one of those “When Habits Go Bad” weeks and was feeling guilty about it. I don’t do yoga but may consider inventing my own guilty pose thanks to that blogger. Perhaps this will help me kindly find my way back.
BTW-I had the same Facebook experience a few months ago. I avoided it for so long but it got to be the only place family was posting photos, so the auntie in me gave in. I eventually took the notifications off, which helped tremendously in Facebook-procrastination-related-stuckification!
8 Karen Aug 24, 2008
Jen,
I have not heard of the book Happiness by Ricard that you mention but will check it out ASAP. I feel happy just thinking about that. Thanks for the suggestion.
I enjoy so much how you are willing to ask the questions here–the questions you ask yourself–the questions we all ask but sometimes are too afraid to admit we do.
And I also like how when you ask the questions, here it’s okay–even good maybe–not to have to have the answers. So I thank your lost- Internet innundated- sprained pelvis self from the bottom of my thoughts/feelings challeneged self who is seeing “more better” the goodness in all these things b/c of your willingness to let us be as lost or as found as we want to here–and it is okay.
p.s. I like your idea about the funny movies, etc. After a whopper of a day on Friday, I was scheduled to meet a friend at a local antique shop. I didn’t spend a ton of money there, but I noticed the things that spoke to me and comforted me were things that 1) either made me laugh or 2) connected with a pleasant chldhood experience I’d had like a white rabbit fur muff (I carried one when I was five and a flower girl in a wedding and mine got lost in a move.) I bought the one I saw at the Big Shanty Antique Mall on Friday. And a little 4 inch cornhusk doll much like the one my Boston Terrier puppy chewed up my first year of marriage. Found that at the antique mall too. And some of Charles Schultz’s books from around 1981–Things I Learned After It Was Too Late (and other minor truths) and Snoopy and ‘It Was a Dark and Stomry Night’ where snoopy writes a novel. These two books are hilarious! They’re worth checking out in any used book store.
Here are a couple of things Schultz has Charlie Brown and the gang say in the Things I Learned After It Was Too Late . . .
1. Life is easier if you only dread one day at a time.
2. “Quiet beauty,” is nice to have, but it should speak up now and then.
3. I would have won, but I got off to a bad finish!
I get carried away sometimes . . . sorry. That’s not Schultz–that’s me.
9 Jennifer Aug 24, 2008
Thanks Tara for the stuck pose idea! i’m about to do yoga and i will do that first. And Karen, your comments made me feel 10,000 pounds lighter. Really.
10 Zigi Aug 25, 2008
Jennifer- every time i come on here i am looking for something and Whoop- there it is! Encouragement that it’s ok not a complete and utter loss. so Thank you for helping me to identify the ‘lost’ feelings i have and the misery that accompanies them (because as you know it’s not ‘actually ok to be lost…we should know what, where, when and how at ALL times…ha ha hardy ha!)
Thank you to all the laides too for all the other realisations and ideas that will become resolutions for me!
11 Photopoppy Aug 25, 2008
Hi Jen!
I’m so deliciously tickled by these comments… I spent so much time being lost, revelled in mystery, in not-knowing….
And right now, at 33, this summer, I’m overwhelmed by the number of things that are coming together. I’m sure I will find myself lost again, and have to re-learn what a joy it can be all over again – my husband is in the middle of a transition – his company is closing their doors in this location and just kindly fed 1100 people back into the job market. I’m encouraging him, while he’s applying for grants, scholarships, etc to go back to school, to also get more in touch with his feelings and invite a bit of mystery in.
I haven’t joined Facebook yet. I’m on MySpace and LinkedIn and that’s more than enough for me. I handle “social media” the same way I handle party invitations – I decide how much “social” I want and go from there. The friends I want to keep up with the most cross-post their information on 2 or 3 different sites to make sure that everyone gets to see pictures, so I’m not missing out on anything I regret.
12 Adam Kayce Sep 2, 2008
Okay, so it’s not exactly on topic, but… when I read your opening paragraph, I thought you said,
And it fit! It fit so well… something to taste, to delight in, to savor… just thought I’d share.
13 Tricia Sep 4, 2008
I’m not actually sure how to find myself these days. This summer I’ve been watering the garden at my parents’ house, which will be put up for sale soon since they are both gone. It’s shockingly difficult to deal with the intense emotions of losing your “home” at the same time dealing with the loss of a loved one. But of course it’s less my home without them in it.
So I guess today I’m kindly finding myself by checking your site and others I love for little bits of inspiration and hope. I look to community to know I’m not alone. And I hug my hubby and dog a lot. It isn’t a cure for what ails me, but it is healing.
Btw, this Rumi poem really speaks to me. Which book is it from? I’ve had trouble finding a good Rumi collection to immerse myself in, so would love to know.
14 Recent Faves Tagged With "finding" : MyNetFaves Mar 12, 2009
[...] | 5 days ago The search for a doctor… First saved by FullMetalSasukeGirl | 8 days ago Kindly Finding Yourself First saved by neji12000 | 10 days ago And the Band Played On First saved by GoingCrazyShelly [...]