I participate in a small art postcard exchange once a month and yesterday received two cards with these two pieces written on the backs:

"Feel the encouragement of Light against your being…
Open your heart, and give to this world all of your beauty…"
Adapted from Hafiz

and

Stop the word now.
Open the window I your chest,
and let spirit move in and out."

Yesterday my daughter Lillian turned 12. It was a day of leaning into emotions for me and wrangling with my story of wanting to hide behind past imperfections as a way to not show up now. My Dad is suffering through chemo again after a four month hiatus and my Mom has a broken jaw (she broke it walking my dog!) and my daughter is a pre-teen who no longer wants to be with her mommy.  We sat in my living room watching Lilly unwrap presents, the adults so tenderly aware  of the passing of an era, a span of life growing away and fading away.

How every part of me screams to hold on, fantasies about miraculously starting over or going back, so that I can do it again, somehow savor those years more… savor the sleepless nights and "Mommy, play with me" and screaming for hours… savor my Dad’s vitality; how I loved his smell when he came home from playing golf on a Saturday and washed his hands with Lava soap.

My most frequent prayer these days is to be present.