This morning, walking through the woods, listening to Krishna Das, I was flooded with love for my husband, huge waves of love. Almost immediately, the thought or more of a sensation came of, "What the point?" Chris and I share a 21 year love affair and a 21 year "Are you here with me???" It’s like living with the sweetest, cutest wall. Today, while there was the usual sadness and frustration, and yes, resignation, I also tried Richard Miller’s Yoga Nidra technique of bringing the "I" ("I love him so much") into my heart and letting the I simply dissolve. Which, in this moment, left love. No I, only love. Then the question arose: must you love only him? For for a few moments, I let that love be, simply be, and then my little mind got all involved in its stories about why he should do this and I should do that.
This is not the first time I’ve experienced this. It makes me wonder if, perhaps, these waves of love we all feel from time to time are too immense for one person to absorb or reflect back– perhaps this love is Divine love, moving through us… or not. But either way, could it be shared (dispersed, freed, showered) without attachment — yes our attachment to "Do they get it? Do they see what I’m offering?? Does he/she/it seem what I’m capable of? " (oh that sneaky ego!) but also without it needing to be attached to one person. It can start with my love of Chris and then spread to my love of the world.
Or not.
******
Had an idea today for a series of paintings inspired by lines in songs like Bruce Cockburn "Everything is motion/To the motion be true."
Had an idea for a three month course with a book to come out of it.
I’m still too tired to get excited about these ideas. But at least my mind is waking up a tad. Okay, so it’s never an issue if my mind is awake, it’s that my mind is too awake and it’s exhausted me!
5 responses so far ↓
1 Pam S. Sep 27, 2007
Jennifer,
Make a note of those things and LET IT (Them) GO. The purpose of your “retreat” was to heal and relax (right?) I’m thinking that your ego-self is getting right in there, saying, “Don’t forget about ME! I’m important! I’m what you DO best! I have all KINDS of ideas for you to think about and work on!” I know, I’ve been there. Just because you’re feeling like you can take a deep breath, DO NOT jump back in too soon. LOTS of ideas will occur to you. Write ‘em down and forget ‘em for awhile. (grin)
Pam
2 jennifer louden Sep 27, 2007
Totally agree Pam!!! I will, I am, I sweart!
3 Paula Sep 27, 2007
See, I saw something different for Jennifer. I think that when we step back from the busy-ness and journey within to depths we haven’t allowed ourselves in a while, we get waves of the Divine that sweep over us. They are so intense, they stop us in our tracks and the mind goes racing to pick up the pieces of something that isn’t broken. I think it’s significant and wonderful that you are feeling the vastness of love. And it’s true, sometimes other human beings cannot fully absorb what we feel. But the feeling isn’t about them. It’s our love. We think it’s for them. But it’s way more than that.
I’ve always believed in enough love to go around a zillion times. The more I embrace, the deeper I experience love… the more I have to offer. And it’s not reserved for just one special someone anymore.
I’m not sure how this sounds. But that’s what surfaced for me as I read your post.
Thanks for the space to share.
4 Tuxlux Oct 1, 2007
Jennifer,
While you are feeling the waves of love. Crack a cautious eye and see that being able to handle waves of love and translate that feeling out to the rest of us is an indicator of enormous strength.
Big love is like holding onto a nuclear reactor rod. Not shorting out, melting down, or exploding is a sign of accomplishment.
My encounters with that cosmic radiation have left me pieced together with crazy glue and modern pharmaceuticals. I would say I am jealous, but what I really think is that if you can do it so can I. (Don’t ask me when, of course.)
I am proud of you my advanced friend. See how far you have evolved and be proud of you to!
Vixx
5 suzi finer Oct 21, 2007
Dialog often gets in the way…
love.