I hate to admit it but like Bill, the father in my novel (creator of Lifemind and the supreme self-help bully), I sometimes wonder if change is possible, for myself, more than anyone else (Bill’s greatest fear is he can’t change but everyone else can). And then a strange miracle will occur, and my wonder is restored.
There have been many of those petite miracles lately but this making of "stuff" is the one that has me most in awe.
Some backstory: I was one of those kids that would probably be medicated now, or at least on the borderline of needing something to calm me down. I don’t recall having a hard time focusing but I was talkative, loud, and a fidget. I was smart, not brilliant, except when it came to art. And there, I struggled.
An intuitive recently told me I am trying to give to Lillian, my daughter, what I didn’t get as a child; I’m remembering being her age and giving up on making art. I couldn’t get things to work; I couldn’t get things done in the time available in school; a overall sense of this is not possible for me. My quip, as an adult became, "I am craft impaired."
But then, about six or seven years ago, this burbling desire to make things began to surface in me. Only every time I thought about it, I wouldn’t know where to start. I didn’t want to make crafts, I wanted to express this thing in me, this thing that gets expressed in writing. I tried here and there but the energy would always petter out very quickly. I would buy empty shadow boxes at Ikea or pastel pencils at Micheal’s, play with them once or twice, and then put them on the shelf.
But in the last month, something enormous and glorious has blossomed from me. I am actually making stuff. Certain synapses in my brain and in my soul have connected. I put up an art table in my office, effectively taking over my daughter’s art space. I can’t stop looking at art books. I spent all day Monday with a friend, Michele, making stuff. ALL DAY.
This is a deeply visceral experience- I am seeing and feeling things when I close my eyes, visual ideas. I am working on things for weeks- a level of patience I have never shown in my life. I am thinking about attending Art Fest in Port Townsend next year. I wish I could put into words how totally alien this is for me- it’s as if I became an arch Conservative, an Olympic swimmer, and a gourmet chef (I’m pretty liberal, a poor swimmer, and a lousy cook) without warning or preparation.
I’m not sure how much I’ll write about this because it feels very tender, like it must not be analyzed or thought much about; it is a deep opening into something vast and rich, however, and perhaps I’ll post a few pictures of works I make.
Tell me about your creative process- how has it grown or changed? Where do you think it will never shift or expand? What part of you is my character Bill, who thinks change is only possible for others?
12 responses so far ↓
1 Marilyn Nov 3, 2005
I decided to take a HUGE leap (since I have NO artistic skill) and participate in my pal Kat’s “Art Everyday Month” project. (Art being extremely loosely defined by its participants.) And I’m loving it. It’s only been two days…but I can talk my way through, around, in front of and behind anything. I can make words work when the mood strikes…but to step away from that and to try to say something without TYPING? Scary as hell. I hope you’ll feel safe enough here to share some of your artwork with us. I think you’ll find that blog readers are some of the most supportive people one can find on the planet–about ANY expression of creativity.
As for change, I’d like to think I at least have the WILLINGNESS to change…even if I don’t always do it in the moment.
2 cindy Nov 4, 2005
wow! i am so happy for you! see me jumping up and down saying yippee for jenn! glee-filled!
my art experience is somewhat similiar. grownig up i never got much farther than a box of crayolas. then in high school i took an art class. i failed miserably at my attempts to make art. it didnt help that my best friend at the time was a “natural” and it came quite easily for her. i decided i better stick to math and the sciences where i excelled.
then in college i thought id give it one more try and took beginning drawing. my work looked like a 5 year olds. i was so intimidated by how well everybody else was doing i dropped the class. i decided i too was “art impaired”.
then about 4 years ago and a professional artist friend of mine encouraged me to take an oil class from her at the local community ctr. so i did.
she wasnt a good instructor, but taking her class sparked something in me that has not stopped to this day.
was i any good? no. did it matter? no.
next i decided to take oil at college. was i any better? no. was i discouraged? no. my instructor there encouraged me to go back and take the basics: beg drawing and design fundmentals. so that is where i am at now-in the design class. i am learning lots and my mind and soul and perception are expanding at an exponential rate.
one thing i have noticed is that my way of seeing/perception/vision has changed. i look at things differently now.
when i am out running errands, i look at how a builder decided to place art amidst his strip mall.
i look at other art and now know i could do that too!
when it comes to art making the sky is the limit! so dont limit yourself. let yourself be like a newborn exploring everything for the first time.
and also i would nurture this new seedling inside because i too believe it is sacred. cindy
3 cindy Nov 4, 2005
ps. in 2nd grade, my mom was called in to a parent teacher conference because i talked too much in class. miss nitchekowski was angry because i talked incessantly. it didnt matter if she was talking and leading the class in some instruction or if anyone was listening, i just chatted away in my own little world. what i know now is i had ADD, but was never diagnosed. so my mom was told to have a talk with me and tell me to pipe down. i dont know if it worked or not!
4 Nancy Bush Nov 4, 2005
hi jennifer. i guess i should start by telling you i’ve never had one single art class, yet i consider myself an artist by way of my crocheting. i wouldn’t worry AT ALL about being “craft impaired.” doing crafts is following someone else’s idea, whereas art is your own expression. phillip and i have come to the conclusion that some so-called “art” is just because somebody rich declared it so…….looking fw to seeing some of your creations. : ) nanc
5 lora Nov 4, 2005
jennifer,
as an artist, a designer, and a photographer, a couple years ago I never would have attributed myself to craft maker as well.
Anytime I try paper mache, playdoh, and anything related to glue… it seems as though my hands stop working, what I see in my head certainly does not come out the way I hoped or expected.
So I tried something else and then something else, and what I found was making handbound books is really my craft (and I also found a glue that doesn’t stick my fingers together
We really are only limited to the titles we give ourselves..
I now just call myself the creative mastermind, not because I am good or even great at all things creative, but because I don’t know what my future holds, all I know is somehow my creativity will be a part of it.
embrace your creativity, you also are a creative mastermind. lora
ps i also found painting lightbulbs to be absolutely fabulous… and if you really hate it, it’s smashable
(oh I would advise putting the bulb in a lamp or outdoor light socket first, you may surprise yourself.)
6 Li Wu Nov 6, 2005
I can’t believe the synchronicity. Or I should’ve known better that it was not a coincident that I was drawn to your blog and am now addictively checking back daily… Growing up, it was drilled into my head that art/craft is not practical and a waste of money/time, and it was not part of our regular life. About five years ago, like you, I started having urges to make things. The trips to art supply stores, the experiments, the petering out. Exactly like you said! (Only you said it so beautifully…) I actually made a handful of Christmas cards one year, but the rest of those supplies are still safely tucked away in the back of a drawer. Two weeks ago, I started my first sewing project since junior high school. A string of events rekindled my interest in sewing, and I felt this urge to create with fabrics. Even though I am beginning to see the importance of embracing my creativity, I still had to tell myself that I could donate my creations as a justification for money/time spent on this new hobby. I don’t know how long this will last, but at least I’m creating now
Three years ago if someone had told me that I would be a stay-at-home mom stealing time to sew during my kids’ nap, I’d have laughed my head off. Motherhood changed me, especially the part where my kids teach me to be flexible and willing to stray from “the plan” on a daily basis…
I also look forward to seeing your creations if/when you decide to share
7 cindy Nov 6, 2005
lora what kind of paint do u use on your lightbulbs and does it melt when hot? since u did not give an eml addy this is my only way to ask u? thanks cindy
8 Jennifer Louden Nov 10, 2005
Li Wu, you sound so happy and so like me- did I ever think I’d be saving my tea bag tags to make art with? WOW!
And Lora, I LOVE ADORE AM NOW AND FOREVER a creative mastermind. How cool is that title?
Cindy, your Miss Nitchekowski and my Mrs. Moore may be spending some time together on the other side explaining to God why they couldn’t channel our brilliance!
Marilyn, I will share my work on the blog if I ever actually finish anything.
9 Debbi Jacques Nov 12, 2005
WOW – I’m totally relating to what you all are saying. I’ve always said I didn’t have a creative bone in my body. I started stamping cards a few years back, but never had a spot to really work, so would only really do on “girls weekends” away. I picked up beads and started jewelry making a year or so ago, but again never really had a spot to really set it up and leave it – the desire has just been bubbling and brewing, I know I have to do something creative – even if it means my dining room table, actually, my whole dining room looks like a disaster area for the two weeks between the cleaning lady…….why weren’t we encouraged? Was it the frivilousness (sp?)in a time of such thiftiness? Anway, it’s so exciting to see I’m not alone:)
10 Mary Meyer Nov 13, 2005
You’ve had quite an impact on my creativity. In 1993 I started a comfort journal (although I didn’t know it at the time) which has evolved into an art journal obsession. The March/April issue of RubberstampMadness has an article about my process which credits you. I should have let you know before now, but your latest email reminded me. I’d have to say that you have really impacted my life more than anyone and I am so glad that you are still the light in the “wilderness” and going strong.
11 Donna Teper Nov 13, 2005
I love the way that women who may never meet physically, find little spiritual meeting places-like creative urges and, of course, your web pages. I have had people tell me all my life that I am the most creative person they have ever met. But I have difficulty even drawing stick people. My idea of embellishing those tiny little people made of a few straight lines is to add three little curly-q’s to their heads for hair and maybe a few eyelashes. I come from a family of “artists” so you can imagine my frustration with being artistically challenged. My talented daughter and art tutor tells me that my gift is in appreciating art rather than creating it. I’ve tried the craft thing (wreaths, painting little blocks of wood, stitchery) and have even considered buying a paint-by-number set recently. Can you believe it? Paint-by-number? I attended an art class where we made collages from every type of media known to woman-kind. I threw mine in the trash as soon I got home since it looked as though I had applied glue to a canvas and rolled it around in a trash bin anyway. At a small group gathering a few months ago, we were all playing with play-doh in an attempt to “express” our creative women within. The others made lovely figures, flowers, even little scenes. So far all I had to show for my efforts was a pancake and a ball. I closed my eyes and squeezed the blue play-doh ball in hopes of miraculously creating another Pieta by Michaelango. Or maybe another “Thinker” by Roudin would magically appear. When I opened my eyes the women at the table started oohing and ahhhing. Somehow I had squeezed out a perfect monkey face! Not quite what I had hoped that the universe would produce through my hands but it was perfect, if I do say so myself. I began to wonder where that had come from and realized that somewhere in me there must be an untapped source of artistic genious. Maybe hypnosis would unlock that stored energy. Maybe under hypnosis I could create a Michaelango. I haven’t tried that yet. I continue to seek out hobby stores instead. But someone else on this site said she was taking a beginning drawing class. Maybe I should just stop fighting it and get a second job so I can buy all the art work I want. I, like you Jennifer, have always used my words as my art. While words can create color, and texture, shape and design, in one’s mind, I am ready to transfer that ability to my hands. Hmmm. Maybe I could start making crazy, decorative gloves. Not a bad idea.
12 Jamie Nov 13, 2005
Jennifer (and others)- You simply must attend Artfest if you never have. It’s not just about the ‘art’. It’s an earth-moving experience. At least it was for me, and for many others I have come to know from having attended. I first attended in 2004 – I neither had the money to go, nor the time, but I did it anyway. I was just beginning to get into ‘art’ again after 20 years of raising kids, mostly by myself. I attended artfest and everything changed. I now teach art and creativity classes, my work has been published and I have met the most wonderful people. I never would have imagined this even five years ago! I wasn’t able to attend in 2005, as I decided to leave my job and move to another location (yes!), but I am attending in 2006. I know I will learn ‘art’ but I will also be with women who are just like me and who are the most generous and caring bunch of gals I have met. My other goal is to attend a retreat of yours!! I know it will happen! Thanks for all you do. I have read your work for years. You are truly an inspiration. Thank you. Jamie in Montana