I am so thankful for your amazing comments on the subject of my hackles rising when my cleaning person commented I was so lucky…
I believe Veronica hit my emotional nail on the head with her comment, "Maybe what made you
mad was that people still expect all of us to do the housework and the
cooking and the child rearing. They really do. Not much has changed on
the home front. My friends and relatives are always telling me how
lucky I am that my husband likes to cook. I’m a lawyer and writer and I
still thank him for doing laundry or vacuuming! Home is the last
frontier for women. It’s been our spot for a billion years and no
matter how much we work, earn, learn, it will still be our spot for a
long time to come. Worth being pissed about? Probably."
Yup, it’s the old saw that I’m supposed to do it all because I’m a woman that gets me in a dander. I want to scream, "Is this 1956???"
Just for the record: I did take her remark as a compliment, I did think of what this woman’s life might be like, I never thought of firing her and I also was very clear it’s all about me. I didn’t want to be all PC and put those other thoughts in my post- they there but the anger and outrage is the learning edge for me. I wanted to share this to see what we could all make of it because I want comments like this to disappear forever. I’m so grateful you all will engage with me on these subjects… this is learning at it’s best!
3 responses so far ↓
1 Lil Ing Jan 17, 2006
I found all these comments about the maid so intriguing! you see I live in sunny South Africa and one of the luxuries that nearly the majority of working people over here have is a maid. It is a taken-for-granted given! Whether you work from home, part-time, whatever – you have a maid to help you – even if it is only to do the ironing.
The other ‘given’ is that the majority of us mothers with school going kids get major help from husbands and grannies as well as ALSO having a maid. This is not considered ‘lucky’ at all but rather ‘normal’.
Some maids are part of the family to the degree that the employers help educate the maid’s children and subsidise the maid’s family financially, if they are in position to do so. However, the norm is that the maid is in charge of Home Affairs and we all play important roles in each other’s lives. For the maid to have stated that you are lucky seems to me good reason for you to take umbridge. The main reason is that she is judging you, and no-one should have to be made to feel guilty about the way they have chosen to run their home!
I often notice in others’ reactions, and even in my own, that when someone is successful and ‘priveleged’ we seem to forget how hard and how many sacrifices they have made to get there. It is not luck, it is self-development. Yes, lots of people may not get the same opportunities to become successful but I have seen so many people from dreadful disadvantaged backgrounds get there. However, the point I’m trying to make is that as humans we often are resentful of others and often think just because someone else has more than us, they should give away more, be more grateful and realise ‘how lucky they are’ when ‘luck’ is not the issue here!
Oh well, I hope you feel better about this and don’t take on her feelings of resentment.
Love and laughter
Lil Ing
2 Maureen Jan 17, 2006
My husband works at home – but is extremely inefficient at what he does and earns very little. He does some
housework, (and I do feel I have to thank him WAY too much for doing it) although the garage and his office are toxic waste dumps about which he will do nothing despite my begging crying, yelling, therapy, etc., etc. I am working at a job I don’t enjoy much but it pays well, is secure, gives us the health insurance we need, and so forth.
My mother in law recently accused me of “not doing enough for the family” because holiday gatherings of HER/my husband’s family are not held at our house. (Note – she did not accuse her SON of “not doing enough” for the family – this is HIS family!) Now I do plenty for his immediate family. He has two kids (now grown) and his parents. I have spent plenty of money on all of them and I have planned including planning outings for his parents, selected gifts, made sure he does more than just get them a greeting card for special occasions, etc. When I took offense at being told I “don’t do enough” and pointed out all I do and have done for his parents in particular, his mother said “Oh, I know all that, but that’s what the woman is supposed to do.” I was enraged and said I probably would have been happy to become Miss Cruise Director if I were being fincially supported so I could stay home or work part time or more flexible hours, etc. thereby leaving the time and energy to plan parties.
Last night I went to a meeting of Codependents Anonymous, where the first “step” involves accepting I am powerless over others, cannot control them, and my life is unmanageable. Apparently part of “recovery” from codependency is letting go of feeling victimized – something I definitely feel and need to relinquish.
I loved the post by Lil Ing about the normalcy of having a maid in So. Africa. It reminded me of one of Alexander McCall’s books in which the main character (the first lady detective in Botswana) mused about her responsibility, as someone with money, to give somebody a job by hiring her as a maid.
3 cindy Jan 17, 2006
hope u r feeling better soon! cindy