Somewhere in me, there has STILL been driving need to DO SOMETHING BIG (as is in save the world) at the same time, I’m exhausted, depleted, empty– from grief, creating, raising a teenager, being a new puppy mom and from pushing myself. So here is what I’ve been doing for years: I try to move ahead–put my foot on the gas–but then I question my choice because I can’t sustain my passion because I’m too tired–so put I put my foot on the brake. I rest. Then as soon as I get some life back in me, I start wanting to DO SOMETHING BIG THAT WILL HAVE A HUGE IMPACT IN MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE (gas) and so I rev up then I get panicked and freak out (brake).
It’s no wonder I haven’t gotten anywhere.
Michele calls it "drunk on depletion" as in you are not a reliable witness to your experience nor a reliable source for figuring out what to do.
So my brain trust, which just spent the most fabulous weekend together, told me what to do and you’ll never believe it: I agreed.
TO
Take nine months off, during which I am not allowed to do anything that doesn’t fit these rules
Do little as possible
Minimize friction
Enjoy
I can’t believe I’m doing this but it’s so right.
25 responses so far ↓
1 MotherHenna Sep 2, 2007
Lots of good relaxing retreat vibes to you…enjoy!
miracles,
k-
2 Irene Sep 3, 2007
You go ahead and do so, dear Jennifer. You have filled so many lives with a loving pampering and true dreams, you have earned your own. God bless.
3 Beth Sep 3, 2007
Your plan is like my theme for the fall – Less is More. In my household, “Do as little as possible” and “Minimize friction” are in direct conflict. Any thought to share on that?
4 Karen Shelnutt Sep 3, 2007
Jennifer,
What a joy to fully return to self, to fully allow yourself to see you again from head to toe, from backwards and forwards and inside out and outside in. And I know you’ve done this for years, but I know from reading your blog and your words that this is different, this is the nine months of being willing to hold the conk shell to the ear and listen to the ocean roar for hours on end. This is the nine months of collage after collage after collage or nothing after nothing after nothing and it not mattering which one, or whether there is one, or should be one, or can be one, or how one works, or if it works right, and if it works right then can it be published. This is the nine months where words are only there to be words–abc’s of self insight, self joy, self sustaining. I think the reason I have such a strong reaction to your honoring you at this time is that I wish I was doing the same–finding the silence, living with it, eating Cheerios with it, listening to the crunch Cheerios makes in the silence, and then doing it again and again and again for nine months–about 270 days of silence and Cheerios or whatever it is that causes your eyes, ears, nose, hands and mouth to live. Whatever it is do it! Do it and love it and be it and sink in the glory of it! We are born to listen into the moments of our lives–if we’re willing to choose some moments. You have. I applaud you for taking the time.
Karen
5 Jennifer Louden Sep 3, 2007
Woweser – big bouncing thanks women for these affirmational pats on the back. Karen, you so hit the essence of this need in this sentence, “This is the nine months of collage after collage after collage or nothing after nothing after nothing and it not mattering which one, or whether there is one, or should be one, or can be one, or how one works, or if it works right, and if it works right then can it be published.” It’s about investigating by witnessing and loving and not engaging in the driven self who must produce or do something with every single minute of every day – big fat splat on that.
And Irene, can you say more about how “Do as little as possible” and “Minimize friction” are in conflict in your house? Does that come from you or others? Is it “I must/you must do a lot / everything so that I (inner/
outer voices) don’t give you hell?”
6 Jodie Sep 3, 2007
awesome. authentic. admirable.
7 Beth Sep 3, 2007
It was Beth, not Irene with the question. My challenge is that my husband’s expectations of how organized, neat and clean things have to be way exceeds my own (and most people’s). Someone at our home recently commented on how clean our house was. My husband burst out laughing and the woman said, “well, picked up then” and he rolled his eyes. I have learned that it will never be good enough but I have also learned that catering to it causes less friction than trying to convince him that he needs to let some things go. As a result, I spend a lot more time picking up than I would if I didn’t have to deal with friction from him. This isn’t a new issue, as you can imagine. It isn’t quite as simple as having a talk with him. We have had many and he will do picking up but it is always from an angry place and I that is what I seek to avoid. That anrgy energy that affects all of us (two sons).
8 Anonymous Sep 3, 2007
Congratulations on making this decision and thank you once again for being such and inspirations to us all!
I am going to use you as my example and follow your lead!
Especially under the circumstance that got thrown into our life last week. We were notified that my husband is leaving for Iraq in just a few weeks, on Sept 23.
I’ve been comtemplating leaving my job as manager of the flowershop ever since my Valentines Day meltdown. The stress hasn’t really let up, I’m still having panic and anxiety attacks, and all I’ve been craving with my heart and soul is to be able to do exactly what you are doing.
I want to write, create, make plans for a business of my own that suits me and my life purpose. Or even just do nothing! All I’ve been thinking about for months is how can I just stay home and hibernate to let the thoughts and ideas simmer.
With the news that he’s leaving for six months to a year, I’ve been a mess, but also trying to see the bigger picture. However bad the circumstances, I’ve been given a gift. Six months or more alone to use as I please. I’m not going to squander it!
Blessings to you and all the other wonderful women on this path!
Diedra
9 cindy Sep 3, 2007
do it girl, you deserve it!! big hugs cindy
10 BlueHealingHand Sep 3, 2007
Jen, nine months – cool – sounds like a “gestational period” to me! Just float, absorb, nurture, feed, put your feet up, let whatever is there to grow, waiting…and seeing what gets born. And no induced labor! Let it come in “natural time”! What a wise choice you have made.
11 Britta Sep 4, 2007
Jennifer,
The Universe has recently guided me to understand that while I feel deep inside that I am capable of more, of doing something big and important and visible that makes this HUGE difference in the world–all that matters is that I listen and follow the guidance I am given and when I do that, I will be fulfilling my role in the world. It’s my ego that wants to do something big and huge and so grand that I’ve lovingly termed it my “desire for greatness”–but changing the world is done one person at a time….and that is where I’m drawn back to….my writing touches one person at a time; I don’t have to know the BIG picture or have some set project that “this is what I will focus on for the rest of my life”–I am drawn and connected to projects (for instance, helping veterans heal right now) and I’ve come to understand that seeing ahead isn’t important. It’s listening and being in the place where you are–responding to the things that move you– that matters.
My “ego” wants my life to be defined–my soul knows that it is exactly where it is meant to be when it’s undefined and I am kept close to the Source listening and responding.
I’m glad you’re retreating–pulling back and listening to your soul’s need for “being” time. Just be careful not to put “pressure” on your retreat time looking for answers. Be free. Completely. Of everything. The Universe will show you what you need to know.
Love you.
Britta
12 Anonymous Sep 4, 2007
Jennifer,
I met you and Suzanne at the first Taos retreat. The day before I went to Taos, my doctor had wanted to hospitalize me for exhaustion. Taos was better, it was a true retreat and it saved my life.
I wish I had some magic words to return the favor for you. I know how you feel, burned down to a hull like a burnt out boat on the shore. I want to say “Remember you don’t have to save the world, God put billions of other people here to help you.”
I want to quote a T-Shirt I saw in the Signals catalog with the 3 Wisdoms of “Doing”
1. To be is to do – Some great philosopher.
2. Do be do be do – Frank Sinatra, Singer
3. Scooby dooby doo! – Scobby Doo, Permanently Blissed Great Dane
So as you relax and let others in the universe pick up their tasks ask yourself one guiding question to help you do as little as possible, reduce friction, and enjoy.
“What would Scooby Do?”
P.S.
If you wind up near Baltimore, drop me an email and I’ll show you all the fun places!- Victoria
13 Rebecca Sep 4, 2007
A friend of mine reached a point in her life when she felt called to do something to save the world – something BIG, she thought was required to make a difference. She made a plan, to do BIG saving, and the plan fell through. She was depressed, how could the universe not allow her to Save The World, what was she supposed to do now. I tried to reassure her that she didn’t need to save the whole world, she just had to make a small difference. Then I told her the Starfish Story – I’m sure you’ve heard it many times – the man walking along the beach, a beach covered with hundreds of starfish stranded by the tide – he witnesses someone walking along the beach, picking up a single starfish and throwing it in the water and then another and another. He walks up to this person and asks why are they bothering? there are so many, they can’t possibly hope to save them all. The person bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the ocean and turned saying “I made a difference to that one.” This story always makes me very emotional with a large lump and tears. There is so much in the world to be fixed, but we get hungup on needing to Save The World, when all we need to do is make a difference to one starfish.
Having lost both of my parents, and my beloved grandmother, all in the space of less then two years, I also know that grief takes time and it will catch up with you if you don’t process it.
Take care
14 Jennifer Louden Sep 4, 2007
I feel so heard and held by all your comments – and your words are helping me more clearly articulate what I’m up to during this retreat… I’m going to take some in to my art making…. talisman exploring.
Beth, I’m sorry I thought you were Irene.
You wrote: My challenge is that my husband’s expectations of how organized, neat and clean things have to be way exceeds my own (and most people’s). Someone at our home recently commented on how clean our house was. My husband burst out laughing and the woman said, “well, picked up then” and he rolled his eyes. I have learned that it will never be good enough but I have also learned that catering to it causes less friction than trying to convince him that he needs to let some things go. As a result, I spend a lot more time picking up than I would if I didn’t have to deal with friction from him. This isn’t a new issue, as you can imagine. It isn’t quite as simple as having a talk with him. We have had many and he will do picking up but it is always from an angry place and I that is what I seek to avoid. That anrgy energy that affects all of us (two sons).”
Your comment tugs hard at my heart. It can be exhausting to live under someone else’s standards and feel you have to serve them for the sake of your children. But is it serving your children to see you do the “less frictious” (SP? WORD?) thing by doing what he wants to keep him less angry? I don’t know – and given that I have been married a long time and know what a dead standstill feels like (rages like, aches like), I won’t suggest “talk about it.” The best thing I can say, from my own experience, is resentment can make us – certainly has made me – sick and very tired. Resignation, too. And what always always helps me (after a good pity party and chocolate fest) is to remember I always always have a choice – no one can take that away from me. Perhaps this is a big part of my retreat, to reclaim choice in a new and more alive way.
My hope is you will continue to find ways to live in YOUR HOUSE to YOUR satisfaction, to feel that your desires matter and that your time is yours to do with what you wish.
Namaste
15 Michael Sep 5, 2007
Jen – what an adventure for you. I’m sure it will be both bizarre and excellent. As for the contradiction between the two “rules”, that’s part of the grace … to find how to live and be with these principals that don’t fit neatly together. Birds fly in a flock by following three rules that are also contradictory if applied in a linear fashion: stay as close as possible; fly to the centre of the flock; don’t run in to anyone. It’s the process of adjusting to the complexity that allows the flock to be.
16 Madeline Sep 6, 2007
You don’t have to save THE world, you just have to save YOUR world!! Blessings to you in your retreat. Carolyn Myss, a spiritual teacher and writer speaks to life purpose in one of her books–seems a whole lot of us (esp. women!) feel that “DO SOMETHING BIG” thing– well, sometimes, she says, your life purpose is small and quiet.. and just being the brightest light on your block, in your neighborhood, might BE your life purpose — and would you be pissed at god/goddess that you weren’t destined to be a movie star or a famous painter , a saint, or or or…..
I like the idea of being a shining light in the world, not a strobe or a spotlight, but a small,fragrant, flickering, sensual candlelight..
I’ve been returning to basics too.,. I’m exhausted from years of public work. Lately, I’m enjoying cooking, gardening, napping, and I am not 30 or 40 or heck, even 50 anymore.. time does bring change..good wise change!
you go girl,I mean, slowly!!
17 Rhonda Sep 10, 2007
Dear Sweet Kindred Sister…
What we ‘do’ is of less importance than who we ‘be’. We save the world by being authentic and daring to follow our heart, not by ‘shoulding’ all over our self and pushing forward.
After over a year detoured by being available to my three year old grand-nephew on his healing journey from leukemia (In this moment he is one of the fortunate ones who is cancer free and back home!!!), I, too am depleted at a time my checkbook tells me I ‘should’ get back to work. Still, if I have the courage to sit still the answer will find me. If I blunder forward after the next step I am sure to scare it off.You can’t give from an empty cup, so pause and refill.
You have my full permission to be erratic,bold, quiet… to hibernate, hide, retreat… re- treat yourself with kindness and care.
I am so grateful to feel I am not alone on this mixed-up journey of taking full delightful responsibility for all it’s twists and turns.
You have my full support of your choice!! I’ll still be here.
Rhonda
http://www.driveyourselfhappy.com
18 Grace Sep 10, 2007
Jen—do it, love it, don’t apologize!
Beth—I don’t have this situation, but I remember reading San Ban Breathnach’s first book (Simple Abundance??), and it reminded me that you can bless others by doing something their way just to make them happy and to honor them. It caused me to hang my husband’s shirts all the same direction, and to put the blue shirts all together and the tan shirts all together, and to fold the socks the way he liked them. It’s free and it makes him happy even if I think it’s ridiculous. He does all kinds of things like that for me. He puts my coffee mug on the top rack, in the front of the dishwasher so I can find it without my glasses.
Other side: my parents had this circle going with the status of their swimming pool all the time. My mom took dad’s checkbook and wrote a check to a pool service. Voila! The pool was clean, it was someone else’s problem, and that circular argument was over, because my mom decided it WOULD be over.
If you can’t win and the message is that you are never good enough–stop trying to be good enough. Pay someone else to do an inadequate job. Let your husband call them when it’s not clean. Take power over this and stop getting beat up with it. With 2 sons, it will NEVER be clean. It’s called living.
Good luck to everyone!
19 Carol Sep 10, 2007
Jennifer -
This seems to be a theme that has been reoccuring with me lately…..I’ve been explaining over and over to people I know and even people I’ve never met via the internet that you HAVE to put yourself first….if you don’t take care of yourself, then you can’t give others the best you. So I think its wonderful that you going to take this time for yourself.
Enjoy!!
20 m Sep 10, 2007
Hi Jen
I’ve just taken a 3 year sabattical almost from creative work. Went into therapy and just coasted along trying to unravel the knots. One of the decisions I made was to let go of the big creative project that would fill the holes of my childhood and also to stop saving the world (it was a stop saving the world failure that propelled me into my sabattical) I’m not entirely there yet but I’m on my journey and feel that having letting go of the dream of the big creative project that there are much more juicy possiblities in my life
21 Kat Sep 10, 2007
Your decision resonates with me as I have been slowly moving towards letting go of needing to constantly progress. Holding steady is fine – even regressing a bit. The retreat part comes from giving myself permission to not need to “save the world.” Your “Freedom from Self Improvement Day” was part of the catalyst to do this. I have a lot of healing and self care that needs doing.
I am still parenting teens, working at a challenging (and fulfilling)career but no longer feel as driven. I keep my house as clean as feels good (there are some good things about being divorced and I am blessed with a fabulous cleaning lady), am not taking on additional work projects, not volunteering AT ALL.
I don’t know how long I will keep this up, my goal was the summer – it has taken me 2 months to decompress, start the healing, and find the energy to start very gently closing up some energy leaks. Recently, I got the energy to start improving my health – more self care.
It has actually gotten easier to keep my house, prepare for school starting, do my work as I’ve let go of my expectations. I realized just how much I was rebelling against my socialization to do it all for my family and save the world. I absolutely do not want my children to learn that message – and I must be the role model…
May you enjoy the blessings of this fallow time.
22 Coach Michelle Sep 10, 2007
Jennifer
Isn’t 9 months the perfect gestation time to birth a new life? Seems to me, this will be a rebirth for you—-and you will show others how to take the time to just be. The next years until 2012 actually will be more YIN energy, which is all about receptivitiy and allowing and being. I salute you in your sabattical.
Shine On,
Michelle Casto, Ph.D.
Http://www.brightlightcoach.com
23 om_mama Sep 10, 2007
What a great idea to retreat. I retreated from TV for Lent and it changed my life! I recommend a media fast of some sort so that you can retreat from the constant bombardment of all of the messages of our society!
24 Marilyn Sep 13, 2007
This post inspired a post…
http://marilynm.vox.com/library/post/big.html
25 Jyl Sep 13, 2007
Jennifer,
I send you loving support for your nine month retreat. Just noticing your bowl, I’m sure it’s already occured to you that the bowl has to be empty. Remember the story of the Zen master who kept filling the student’s bowl with tea until the tea poured on the ground?