9 responses so far ↓

• 1 Marilyn Dec 5, 2005

  I’ve removed almost all gift-buying obligations from this batch of holidays…and what a relief. Some people seem almost offended–like somehow I’m not holding up my end of the bargain…er, expectation. I’m not mailing any cards to speak of either. I’d grown to loathe the process more and more each year. I think living somewhere different helped me to let go of expectations. Last year we spent Xmas Day at the beach…and it was fabulous. All I care about having is a tree, simply because I love the lights…I love sitting down to the laptop in the early morning darkness and typing by Xmas tree lights alone.

• 2 Maureen Dec 6, 2005

  I feel like I have found a “home for the holidays” among folks who feel about them as I do. Marilyn,
  I could have written your comment myself.
  Holidays have been made harder in past years by my tendency toward depression. I would have to mobilize add’l inner resources just to keep myself from sinking into the slough of despond. Then the other night my mother in law informs me that in the 15 years I have been with her son, I have “done nothing” for the family because I have not invited all of his cousins to MY home on Christmas. Of course it’s not her son’s responsibility to host the holidays – it’s mine. I have no family of my own and believe me, I could fill a book with what I have done for my husband ungrateful (adult) kids… to realize now that his parents (or mother at least) is similarly ungrateful is over the top. I have written to my one family member, a grown son who outearns me by orders of magnitude and asked him for some suggestion for what I could give him as a Christmas token of love– including, could I make a contribution to a charity in his name. Buying for him is impossible – the classic “man who has everything.” He has not responded, which leaves me a bit anxcious – did I upset him by bringing up the gift thing – am I a bah humbug sort of person?
  I detest the holidays – they seem so phony to me.
  Personally I would celebrate the equinoxes and solstices and forego all the Hallmark Holidays. Anybody know a nice pagan community I can join?
  Maureen

• 3 Tuxlux Dec 6, 2005

  I became ill a few years ago and at Christmas time didn’t have the energy to put up a tree, do a big card list, and go through the whole bullhooey.

  That year I delved into my storage closet and picked out a single Dept 56 ceramic Christmas house. I plunked it on the table and plugged in the light.

  There on the table I had the perfect Christmas in minature. A decorated brownstone house strung with Christmas lights, a leafless oak with lights in the branches, a Christmas tree in the window, a man and a dog playing with a rope on the front steps.

  I found that I enjoyed sitting in my candlelit living room looking at my perfect little Christmas world on the table.

  In my mind’s eye I created the story of the man and his dog. I created the story of the happy little brownstone.

  I took my little bit of energy and spent it enjoying.

  This year the family is in chaos. Instead of craving a sleighride I’m hoping I can avoid an ambulance ride.

  So again the little brownstone with the happy man and dog are on the table.

  Ten minutes each evening I escape the fracas and travel into the tiny world and enjoy myself.

  Sometimes a little is just enough.

• 4 Helga Dec 7, 2005

  Remember “It is what it is”? – Open your mind’s arms to YOUR holiday flow, even if what comes up doesn’t seem to fit. Just because you can’t see the fit, doesn’t mean it’s not there. Everything is connected, including the preservation of your joy and wonder during the holiday season. So, be infectious!

• 5 Jennifer Louden Dec 7, 2005

  What insightful and smart women you are… reading your comments makes me feel resourceful and remember what’s important. Thanks for being part of my community!

• 6 Maureen Dec 8, 2005

  Hello again.
  My son responded to
  my inquiry about how
  to handle gift giving
  in light of his
  huge income and particular tastes.
  I had actually asked
  him for advice on how
  I could express
  my love for him
  without loading him
  down with useless
  junk. It took him
  about a week but he
  did write back and said I was right
  that he really does
  buy whatever he wants whenever he
  wants it, but that
  the heartfelt loving sentiments in my
  letter meant more to
  him than ‘stuff.’
  He also said not
  to let Christmas gifting obligations
  stress me out.
  And finally he
  promised that he would
  give thoughtful
  consideration to whether
  there was anything
  I might ‘give’
  tangibly (I suggested
  maybe if he has a
  favorite charity
  I could donate in his name.)

  Moreover, I wrote
  a long letter to
  my mother in law in which, while maintaining a respectful tone, I
  clearly drew some boundaries – explaining that my husband’s extended family is not mine and that HIS obligations toward any member of his family – extended or otherwise – are his own. I also reminded her that she has been retired for 25 years and her time is totally her own, while my free time is drastically limited (I have a government job). Thus, I am not inclined to host large family gatherings (see my earlier post too).
  Her response was “You have certainly stated well that everybody does not experience life the same way, and we are different people. Both of us can appreciate that.
  Let’s hope that we can keep these things in mind.”
  I think this chilly response gives you an idea of what a rational unemotional woman she is – and the whole family is like that – no wonder I feel unconnected from them. But anyhow, “let hope” indeed that we can “keepin mind” that I am an individual with my own reaction to the holidays and I am NOT in charge of all of my husband’s relationships with his relatives.

  TUXLUX – I can relate to your “perfect little house.” Two years ago
  I was totally not in the Christmas mood and I bought a 2 foot high fibre optic tree. THAT was “Christmas” that year. I also have a fiber optic wreath. The colored lights are gorgeous.
  Last year I thought I would get a bigger tree. I couldn’t find one I liked. I
  just used the small one.
  This year I did not consider anything BUT the tree and wreath. They are so pretty, particularly first thing in the morning when I am the only one awake I can sit and drink coffee and just meditate on the lights. I couldn’t wait to plug in the tiny tree and hang the weaath and, as far as I am concerned, Christmas is now officially at my house and I don’t need to do another thing.
  MERRY holidays to you all – peace, health, blessings, love.
  What more do we want or need?
  Maureen

• 7 cindy Dec 8, 2005

  you all have shared so openly! thank you all!

  for me this year feels (dare i admit it) joyless. my favorite cat either has cancer or severe liver disease and the vet is leaning towards cancer. she is skin and bones literally and i worry about her. she is on 6 pills a day and may be increased to 10. and of course her she has cow patties because of all the meds. but she is happy. she purrs and always wants to be on my lap or my hubbys. i have already shed some tears as i realize this may be the last few months she spends with us. (a note for all of you-i am an animal lover and do not have kids so these are my kids)

  my husbands brother in law passed away suddenly in his sleep of a heart attack 60 yr old the mon of thanksgiving week. so now he will be flying back east next week for a few days for the service.

  my husband and i went through a serious falling out this past october where he announced he was seriously considering divorcing me. that hit me totally blindsided, wasnt expecting at all.

  its not the first time we have been here. there have been a couple of other times in our 23 years where we have hit what i like to call low points in our marriage.

  we are recovering…obviously a major work in process.

  so all of this has kinda left me with the feeling of being punched in the stomach. (remember that from being a kid?) ugh!

  so i did get a 6 foot tree and did decorate it and the living room, but it all seems joyless or hollow to me. not because it is, but because of me.

  thank you all for listening.

• 8 Loretta Dec 9, 2005

  We’ve have had some incredibly horrible holiday times, filled with joblessness, need to sell our home and move, and illness.
  Two years ago my husband had lost his job for the second time in three years due to his back disabilities. At our Christmas Eve dinner, he complained of his neck hurting. By Christmas Day he could barely move his head, and by nighttime he was screaming, literally, in pain. That night, the Christmas tree fell over (could I write this fiction?) and neither the kids nor I had the enthusiasm to put it back up.

  So this year – holding my breath and crossing my fingers – everyone is reasonably well. I ordered almost all gifts online and they are stacked in their boxes in the other room. I decorated the mantel, my little girl put up the outside lights, and we are waiting for the college kids to put up the tree. Whatever else gets done or doesn’t, is going to roll off my back. I come home from work at night and I light the candles on the coffee table, look at my mantel and know it is enough. And I thank God this year for a peaceful, sane Christmas. I hope you all find your way through this stressful and hectic time and just go with the flow.

• 9 Tara Benwell Dec 22, 2005

  I was having one of those days when it’s almost time for the annual Christmas trek across the province to see relatives, and I don’t know whether to be glad that it is almost over, or excited that it is almost here. My mother died on Christmas day four years ago. For the first few years, the raw emotions were enough to remind me what Christmas was all about. I didn’t take things for granted and I didn’t let people talk me into doing Christmas their way. But this year, Christmas feels like a chore again. Christmas cards, baking, buying dumb things for uncles you barely know, wrapping, crafting…etc. So tonight, when I realized that I had been ignoring my 2 year old for four evenings in a row, I finally did the right thing. We bundled up with scarves and toques and ponytails, grabbed blankie and went for a long walk (without the stroller)downtown to marvel over all of the beautiful Christmas lights. And guess what? We found Christmas. We found people who smiled and said hello. We found a jolly elf who passed us a curly candy. We found a good friend who invited us into her office for a purple balloon. We found an elderly couple who had set up a giant light display for children in the park (candy cane lane). And, we found fresh air. Everything was free. There are simple and wonderful experiences to enjoy at Christmas if you are brave enough to step away from the parcels, commitments, and battery buzz, even when you are way behind.
  Merry Christmas to all. May you too find the Christmas that you are looking for just outside your window.