Yesterday, a moment of terror.
Me hanging out being with myself, listening, following my own process closely and then a thought:
Do people think this digital sabbatical is going to produce something?
Some brilliant new thing? Is my editor reading these posts and thinking a book proposal is (finally) on its way?
Heart pounding.
Then I laughed (weakly) and I remembered: This time is not about producing.
Repeat after me: this time is not about producing.
It is about being staying with my creative process.
It is not about deciding a subject or directing things or pulling the trigger, saying, “Yes, this is it.”
It is about listening to the voices that say, “You can’t” and saying back to them, “”You were created for someone far less creative and strong and resourceful than me.”
It is not about knowing.
It is about mindfully shedding old bits of identities and diving past the habit of leaving myself.
It is about bringing my attention back to my conditions of enoughness, again and again.
It is about burrowing all the way to the root of my desires and staying right there with them, right there, eyes open.
The image that comes to mind is from 30 years ago. I am diving in a North Florida river, peering under a bank, watching a spring bubble away.
30 years later, I still get excited remembering watching that spring, half hidden, one of hundreds that created the river. It was like watching a secret happen.
It feels like that’s what I’m doing now, internally, quietly.
Or, as I wrote today,
Your head has nothing more to say.
I do not know that this listening and watching and following will produce anything – at all. Ever. And that no longer matters to me.
Which is very good news indeed.
8 responses so far ↓
1 Susan Gallacher-Turner Aug 13, 2010
“Your head has nothing more to say.
I do not know that this listening and watching and following will produce anything – at all. Ever. And that no longer matters to me.
Which is very good news indeed.”
Yes…very good news and permission given to me that process, soul and heart are what’s important here and now.
2 Jennifer Aug 13, 2010
Thanks for being with me Susan on this process. I feel so lucky to have you along.
3 Lyn Hopper Aug 14, 2010
Terrific news, in fact!
4 living savvy Aug 16, 2010
The act of doing is so habitual and yet the process of being is what enriches us. I am in awe of the strength and committment you are showing – well done.
5 Alison Elliot Aug 17, 2010
Excellent post. Really refreshing. Having read it I feel like I’ve been on a “retreat”. Love the art to by the way.
6 Fierce98 Aug 26, 2010
Dear Jen,
I have just graduated college and have no job, and am living at home. I feel confused about next steps, unsure how to figure out what I want to do…
Could you write something about transition, loss or life changes?
I am always so comforted and heartened by your words.
Thank you.
7 GAIL Sep 17, 2010
curious why my comment is still “being moderated” and nevefr ot posted? Was it because I used another writer’s words — with full attribution–and you were afraid you would get in trouble?
8 Jennifer Sep 17, 2010
Gail the comment with the poem was wiped out when the original post was. The comment of yours that I never moderated asked where the comment was – it’s gone into the ethers. Thanks~