Yesterday I only wrote two pages on my novel. I listened to myself declare I was too tired to write a third page and that I deserved to go upstairs and curl into bed and read (I started Mrs. Dalloway). It had been a long day. A busy week.
Before, when I made the declaration to write 30 minutes every day, I would have said back to that voice,"Yes, you are tired. And we have a commitment to write." I would have dug deep into myself, into that part of me that can get going, and found the energy to go ahead.
What I’m curious about is what’s different now? Why was I able to dig in and keep my 30 minute commitment and yet faltered yesterday on my 3 pages? Is it too much to write 3 pages every day? No, that’s not it. It’s about how I talk to myself. There is this moment I experience- usually in regards to sticking with things like not eating wheat and dairy, exercising, writing or other commitments that take some effort to keep- in which I make a decision to believe what I am saying to myself. That this muffin doesn’t count because a little wheat won’t hurt me. That I exercised hard yesterday so today could be my off day. That I can write four pages tomorrow and catch up. It isn’t that what I’m saying to myself is all wrong: it often has some truth to it. It’s that I decide to believe it. In this moment, I either go all soft and fuzzy and eat the muffin or I pull myself out of the story I’m spinning and remember my commitment- basically remember a story that supports the future I want to create.
I am so curious about this moment and what it means in the creative life! What do you think?
Thinking about this phenomena this morning while walking Luna, I saw a correlation between the facts or truth as I wrote about in the beginning of this blog (speaking of which, have you been following the Judith Miller/Valerie Plame story? Talk about fuzziness!)
3 responses so far ↓
1 Marilyn Oct 22, 2005
What I think of when I hear “commitments” is discipline and I tend to rebel against discipline because I equate it with being told what to do when–even if I’m the one barking the orders. So I’ve let go of those “I’m going to ____ every day ” type of commitments because I rarely keep them and then I waste too much energy berating myself for being lazy. I’ve learned over the years to minimize obligations so that there’s little harm done if I don’t do squat. I can spend HOURS writing, reading, blogging…but I try to listen to my natural rhythms and do it when the mood strikes. I used to try to force myself to keep a writing routine, but I’ve found that my writing flows much more freely when I listen to the urge instead…
2 lora Oct 22, 2005
marilyn – what do you do if that creative urge has disappeared? (that’s where I am at) I find I have to talk myself into working, even then it’s this three hour long process to start….
3 cindy Oct 23, 2005
i think when it comes to fulfilling our intentions there is fine line between self nurture (taking a nap when we are tired) and self indulgence (taking a nap when we want to just escape from everyting-intentions included).(I find it amazing how tired i can suddenly feel when i dont want to make myself stick to an intention!)i firmly beileve in sticking to my intentions as much as possible, but i allow myself GRACE on occasion- when i just dont feel like making myself. i dont say “i deserve such and so…therefore i can take this nap” why lie to myself? i just honestly accept this is where i am at right now, this is how i feel, and so i am going to indulge in a nap or whatever it might be. but OVERALL in my life i do believe intentions and follow through are what make or break our commitment to CREATE our life!