Okay — what to say.. on the ferry on the way to hospital. Dad fell again last night… he’s in agony, appears that it’s his neck, which we’ve thought all along. Then I read the ferry schedule wrong, which I do fairly often, and I missed the ferry, so I stayed in town to do some errands (which felt pretty weird to be buying pj’s for this upcoming photo shoot while my Dad is lying across the Sounds in ER in horrible pain) and almost missed the next ferry and shouted "NO!" so loud that they held the boat for me while I careened down the ramp… did I mention the fire alarm is beeping again, I spilled tea all over myself in the car, and I’m going to Chicago on Sunday and leaving feels both mercifully wonderful and entirely impossible?
Meanwhile, my sister has been with my mom for the last 12 days and is schedule to leave tonight, which may be a good idea, for although she is a nurse and a wonderful help, when she gets tired and Mom gets tired as they are right now, things go south and she starts pushing at Mom and using this tone of voice that sets my teeth on edge and she needs to vent in this tone and I can’t bear hearing it… I take pride in my ability to smooth the waters while getting things done and making sure things happen, although as I write this, I think, "Why have I allowed Dad to suffer all these weeks without relief? Why did I keep waiting for some new news? I should have been more of a squeaky wheel." That’s the flip side, what I’m not so proud of: the way I can ompartmentalize my life. I can put Dad and hisfailing health away in a box because Michele is here or Mom says, "We’re waiting for the doc to call" instead of staying curious, gently persistent. This is, of course, one of those insights I have written in my inner organizer that I HAVEN’T LOOKED AT RECENTLY. Sigh.
Be curious earlier and longer.
I’m giving a talk at the Young Living Essential Oil conference next Saturday September 30th on my new book and I ran into a friend yesterday on the ferry (coming back from getting some great speech coaching from the amazing Michele Lisenbury Christensen- see sidebar) and I was telling my friend about the book and the five step process and she said, "Do you do that? Has it transformed your life?" And I said, "Yes except when I’m in hormonal hell like I right now" and then I paused and thought, "But even now, it helps. I just don’t get so dragged down." I wanted to add but thought it might sound weird, "I don’t get so far away from myself."
I took time for a brisk 35 minute walk this morning and to eat breakfast and read Ode magazine and take a long shower. That helped. My mantra is focus on the present, be present, be curious.
Helga and all your wonderful readers and bloggers and thinkers – thank you for your stories and comforts and thoughts. I’m curious how we – I – make these moments into art, into meaning, how they emerge and reemerge.
And always, we remember the love.
9 responses so far ↓
1 Renee Sep 22, 2006
Oh, Jen – don’t be so hard on yourself…you are a wonderful, comforting and loving daughter
and your parents know that, too.
Hugs to you,
Renee (Taos 2005)
2 Catherine Sep 22, 2006
Reality is such a personal relationship within each being. It is also either learned or a basic component of our soul structure. Some people actually manage to never change. Some people change at a moment’s notice … chameleon like … in their act of responding to events and situations. Your reality is not mine. I cannot define what is “real” to you. There is a belief that none of this is real, but only a daring dream in which we all compose our stories and then act them out.
All of our defined goals are actually conditioning within ourselves … we do not attain peace … we are peaceful. We do not reach happiness … we travel with inner delight. All of life is experience and that is what we do…. Experience it all with an awareness of attitude. We may try to avoid some aspects … fear, hatred, insecurity … on and on. But these baser “realities” are also life’s experience. It is not wrong to sit with fear … to understand hatred…. To know insecurity. It is all part of our package. We’ve agreed to open the present and live through it all. No need to run or hide…. It is all in purpose and necessary and it will all pass … much quicker when we accept all aspects of what we call our “reality” without dwelling in judgment as to its merit or worthlessness.
This is all as significant, or as trivial an arrangement as we wish to make it for ourselves.
3 Carla Sep 23, 2006
Jen, I have a little card I keep with me at all times. It’s titled ACCEPTANCE and this is what it says:
“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.”
Easier said than done, and a real pisser sometimes. Especially when someone we love, whose love and life and very being is programmed into the BODY like your Dad is, is suffering. Are you breathing? I love you. Stay cuddled in the lap of your God. You’re in my prayers.
4 Mark Silver Sep 23, 2006
Prayers, empathy, love, gentleness to you, and your whole family. Not easy. Not easy. Gentleness, love, empathy, prayers to you.
5 Tara Sep 23, 2006
Jen,
It sounds as though the comfort queen could use a little comforting. When my mom was battling cancer I had to keep going from Vancouver to Toronto and the hardest part was not having my partner with me. I’m sorry that you are going through this rough time without Chris at your side to comfort you.
I just started an interesting book today, “Stillness” by Richard Mahler. Have you read it? This sentence reminded me that I have fallen off the comfort queen wagon: “Give yourself room to fail, recommitting again and again to your embrace of quite alone-time-as often as necessary.” After reading your book I started giving myself a block of time to do nothing after putting my daughter to bed. However, in the last few months I think I was too tired to care about myself or anyone else for that matter. We just brought our new baby home (We had a boy! Joey) and now more than ever I need to remind myself to take a few minutes to myself each day to recharge. I hope that you can continue to care for yourself while you look after your parents and buzz through your busy life caring for others. Thinking of you often,
Tara
6 Bonnie Sep 25, 2006
Dear Jen,
One of the most important things I learned in focusing training was about being a gentle, compassionate caretaker of yourself. We are so harsh with ourselvs, much harsher than we would be with another. Be gentle, sweet soul.
Another important thing I learned or was taught during troubled times, is that GRACE HAPPENS. For me, it happens when I least expect it. Often it is something in nature that I just happen to notice, sometimes through tears, and grace just happens. I know I am not alone and that love is there.
with love and a hug, Bonnie
7 Dinah~ Sep 25, 2006
Dear Jen,
I remember cradeling my 96 lb. mother in her bed when she was dying of cancer. I was a newly divorced, single mother of two little girls. It was so sureal to have our roles be reversed. Her – small and helpless, needing care. Me – full of responsibility and pouring forth love and care to everyone. Feeling taxed to the limit. That was the situation not matter how I felt about it and acceptance, non-resistance seemed to help a lot. I so agree with Carla.
Seems like remembering to do the “Rememberance” as often as possible could be a wonderful self nurturing tool at this time. Get “Cuddled in the lap of your God.” I love that Carla!
I’m sure you can feel the sacred circle of love surrounding you.
You Inspire,
8 Helga Sep 26, 2006
After reading all the amazing posts, I got this really strong image of someone (Jen) saying “I hurt”, and of women (all of us) dropping whatever they’re doing to rush toward her like iron shavings to a magnet. There we stand in a protective, healing circle holding the hurt one. Not to make things go away (we can’t, nor is it helpful), but to just hold what is. Oooh, gave me goosebumps!
Meanwhile, back on the ranch:
– A while back, my daughter and I both accidentally broke glass jars within days of each other. When I wondered about that to a wise friend she said “The jars took the injury, so you don’t have to.” I try to remember that when physical things break, annoy, don’t work as planned.
– Compartmentalizing is a survival skill. When things get rough, this form of self-preservation kicks in to keep us sane and functional. It’s hard-wired. Glad your survival wiring works when you need it, Jen.
– Part of that survival hard-wiring also allows us to keep seeing those areas of ourselves and our lives that don’t refer to illness, death, fear, and all those thougths and feelings that threaten to overwhelm. It’s from those few vestige niches that we coax joy, complete with art and other ways of manifesting meaning. Glad your joy wiring works, too!
9 lain Sep 27, 2006
Oh, Sweetie-
I haven’t checked back here for a while and I see all that is happening with you and your family… so sorry that this is going on. Wish I could help in some way. I will send you good juju and maybe some chocolate chip cookies.
xooxoxxooxox
L