“Where do you go when you get to the end of your dreams?” Dan Fogelberg
I was on hold with my local clinic about my big toe – which stubbornly is not healing*—when I realized I was hearing a Dan Fogelberg song from my youth. In fact, the song coming over the phone had been the soundtrack for my 16th summer, a time when I was bursting with hopeful itchy angst, stuck between yearning for newness, for life, to be in life yet completely unsure what I wanted from life. As I listened to Dan croon (what a crush I had on him: the original sensitive man!) it struck me that how I felt my Pu16th summer was very similar to how I felt now, some 29 years later, and that Dan’s question was perfect for me – and maybe for you, too. Where do you go when you get to the end of your dreams? (I realize now the station was playing Dan because he died Monday of cancer at 56.)
I’ve run out of dreams. It’s very scary to admit that because in this microcosm culture of personal growth and coaching where I spend a lot of my time, it’s all about possibilities. Declaring, “Hey, I’m tired of growth. I don’t want to live my best life. I just want to curl up and do nothing,” feels so unrealized. It also smacks of the S word-selfish. “Dreams are the food of the soul. In our existence, we often see dreams come undone, yet it is necessary to go on dreaming, otherwise the soul dies and agape does not penetrate it” rhapsodizes novelist Paulo Coelho in his Ode magazine column (January/February 2008). Yes, I say to Paul yes but where does the letting go, cleaning out, dropping-into-nothingness-stage of dreaming fit? In our love affair with self-improvement and efficiency, have we forgotten this aspect? If you and I don’t attend to not dreaming, do we block the ability to conjure truly new dreams? If I lack the courage to peer at my dreams and ask hard questions like:
- What commitment am I willing to make?
- What price am I willing to pay?
- What courage is required of me right now?
(Questions courtesy of The Answer to How is Yes by Peter Block)
What is the result? If I lack the stamina to be restfully fallow (say that three times really fast), do my dreams cease being dreams and become should-filled bland heavy nightmares? If I only dream, do my dreams become only delusions?
I believe many of us have gotten to the end of our dreams—I certainly think our American culture has reached the end of something. Partially this may be because we have relentlessly, brutally pushed ourselves. Faster, faster, grab the golden ring! Keep moving, keep buying, keep trying because if you don’t, you’ll be left behind. Our collective well has more than run dry; we’ve pushed clear through to China and out into empty space. Consider our political landscape, our national depression rate, and the number of horror movies leering from the New Movie wall at the video store* as proof positive. We want to dream radical raw dreams, we want to feel desire, we want to believe in new beginnings but we’re too tired from doing, from pushing, and those optimists among us, from dreaming.
Stay tuned for Part 2…
14 responses so far ↓
1 Paula O Dec 20, 2007
Jennifer,
Your vulnerability is strikingly beautiful! I loved this post… it rings so true for me. Recently, I took down my website and replaced it with a single page. I didn’t want to keep maintaining (or growing) something I was no longer. It was the most challenging yet freeing thing to do. I’ve also been through a six month period of not singing a note. As a singer, that’s a scary place to be. The voice in me is screaming, “What does all this mean?”
Not only do I feel I’ve come to the end of some dreams, but no new dreams have swallowed their space. How odd this is for me. Then these words formed in my head…
Being uninspired is a perfect state of being. There the artist may rest.
Enjoy a beautiful holiday season!
Paula
2 Jennifer Louden Dec 20, 2007
Thanks Paula for writing – it is SO comforting to know I am not alone. And I ADORE your mantra of being uninspired. WOW WOW WOW.
This quote came my way today: “By means of all created things, without exception, the divine assails us, penetrates, and molds us. We imagined it as distant and inaccessible, whereas in fact we live steeped in its burning layers.” ~ Teilhard de Chardin
3 Kaite Dec 20, 2007
Jennifer,
Thank you so much for your post. I can completely relate. My husband passed away suddenly 2 months ago, and since that time I have been completely unable to connect with, or even envision my dreams. They say it’s a necessary stage of grief, and I am willing to accept it, but the most helpful thing I have found in all this is Thomas Moore’s book “Dark Nights of the Soul.” In particular, he leads off with a powerful chapter on the concept of the “Night Sea Voyage,” best exemplified by the story of the hero swallowed by a giant fish. The sensation of just sitting within the huge living creature, unable to free oneself, unable to move, and yet the creature continues to move through the waters, carrying you to a new beginning. After weeks and weeks of despair, and inability to use the spiritual and creative tools I have always relied upon, I finally was able to relax into this “Night Sea Voyage” and allow it to carry me for a while until that new day. This experience has completely stripped me of all my easy answers and my neat solutions to spiritual dilemmas, and will, in the end, reshape my entire calling. But in the meantime, I wait, deep in the belly of the fish, the womb of my incubation, a witness, rather than an active participant in my own transformation. Moore says the Dark Night of the Soul can be created by any massive change or loss or transition period, whether inspired by relationship, career, death, health, etc. If you’ve not read this book, I highly recommend it, at least for some powerful meaning that comes without judgement, and without a “fix-it” agenda. I send you my blessings and my prayers. You have been inspiring me for ages, and you continue to do so, even more so in your humanity and your honesty.
Love,
Kaite
4 Beate Foit Dec 20, 2007
Hi Jennifer,
During this time of year it is very difficult to even remotely think of growing – all that is required, truly, is to just stay put, to let your mind and body and spirit take that long deserved rest. Winter!
Sometimes it feels that I am running like that little hamster on its wheel, moving forward yet not making any progress. However, when that wheel stops, I am propelled to a standstill. A paradox, if you will. This is when all that I’ve been running after catches up with me, and it is time to assimilate rather than searching for a different path to proceed on.
Your thoughts resonated deeply with me and I appreciate your honesty.
Wishing you the best for this Solstice.
Beate
5 Daphne Dec 20, 2007
I welcomed reading this post today. I’ve been thinking a lot about resting, and laying fallow, and allowing things to ‘just be’. This time last year I was busy with a full time job, as well as starting a fledgling jewelry business, a pet-sitting business, and a home catering business (yes, all at once! Luckily they were all on a very small scale). Also I was looking into going back to school for illustration. These were all dreams of mine. I was achieving big steps faster than I could have imagined. However, I of course burned out equally as fast and it’s taken me all year to regain perspective. In fact, this has been a year of ‘doing nothing’ and I think it’s the best year I’ve had (on a deep, internal level) in a long time. Doing nothing, not worrying about ‘achieving’, letting things go… this has allowed me to finally come back around to myself and what I *really* want: peace, less stress, positive growth without being torn apart by ’shoulds’, more focus on the things I love (art) and less focus on the things I don’t care about (housework).
Finally letting go of all these ‘dreams’ and admitting “I don’t know what I want or need” opened up a space for that quiet voice to pipe up again. She said to me, “Go to nursing school! It is the perfect next step for your life at this time!” And, it is. She also said, “Clean out the office and create your art space! You really need it!” And, I did. And it’s more wonderful than I could have imagined, even though it just a humble desk and bookshelf.
Not-doing has opened up a space in myself that I had completely lost, and that I wasn’t finding no matter how frantically I searched for “myself”. And it took a really long time — but finally, a year later, I have a direction that feels sane, feels authentic, and feels like I’m ready to step out into the world again.
Sometimes letting go of all that self-improvement stuff is exactly what we need to do in order to actually improve. We KNOW what we need to do. Filling our heads with other people’s words and other people’s ’shoulds’ are wonderful distractions from quieting down and listening to what our hearts and souls have to say (which sometimes we don’t want to hear.).
Anyway. Bravo. Take your time. Listen. Know that you have all the answers… eventually. Taking time to find out what your true direction is is very *un*selfish, because then you will be able to actually function in the world to your true capacity!
6 Rebecca Dec 20, 2007
What do you do when you come the end your doing and don’t know your dreams?
7 Shelley Dec 20, 2007
Jennifer,
Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU!! I cannot tell you how much I have been feeling exactly this way – “Hey, I’m tired of growth. I don’t want to live my best life. I just want to curl up and do nothing” – and it was such an incredible relief to hear someone (you) say it, that I started crying (which surprised me!) I am just sooo tired! Inside to the bone tired, and have really really noticed it during this season. I seem to have lost all joy or any interest whatever in Christmas – every single thing feels like a huge effort – one in an unending, replicating list of “shoulds”. I’ve never felt this way about Christmas before, but I am simply going through the minimal motions – me, who is usually the decorating, baking, wrapping, traditions, fun, joy of the season cheerleader for the family. I’m not depressed. My appetite & sleep are fine & I’m not feeling sad.Just overwhelmed by life. And there is nothing else to “pull up” – no more energy & no more creativity hidden away in some resevoir. I just want to be quiet. To sleep, read a book, watch a movie. Do “NOTHING”!
And as a woman in our culture, I especially related with your perceptive comments near the end of your blog today, where you said, “we have relentlessly, brutally pushed ourselves. Faster, faster, grab the golden ring! Keep moving, keep buying, keep trying… the well has run dry.” Every woman I know lives like this – kids, work, driving, planning, organizing, cooking, committees, activities, family crises, family holidays, community causes, etc. etc. ETC!! And it seems that few – even our close friends – understand if we feel we don’t want to or can’t go on at that pace.
Jen, thank you again, from the bottom of my heart for your words & your honesty today. It was the very best Christmas gift I will receive. I still have to struggle through Christmas, but I have printed up your blog to remind me that I’m not crazy & to give me some loving support when I am feeling “alone in the crowd”
over the next few days. I hope you have a really peaceful Christmas.
8 Jennifer Louden Dec 21, 2007
Beate, I thought of your post several times yesterday — it’s the darkest friggin time of the year! That does add some weight to the not knowing… which is why I can’t wait to get on the plane tomorrow and fly to warmth!
Daphne, your story of listening also stayed with me. I know that is what I haven’t been doing enough of— grieving creates a lot of noise!!! But I feel the stillness inviting me in to listen.
Rebecca, I feel like your question in my gut — and it’s really the more true way of saying what I’m up to. And captures the huge need for trust in my own self and the Divine as I wait. Cause doing ain’t an option anymore!
And Shelley YES for your honesty! I’m so happy you let yourself feel the fatigue. This morning on my back deck, icy cold, waiting for the puppy Stuart to do his business, doing my morning pranayama, I was moved with an idea about creating retreats that are just for tired women — all about rest. My friend Carla Blazek has been exploring that too… how do we let ourselves rest??
9 Lauren Dec 21, 2007
Dear Jennifer,
As always, I thank you for your amazing ability to tap into the “archetypal moment” and express what so many of us are feeling deep in our bones, yet are even struggling to find the words to express it. I do want to point out though, because it seems somehow a significant small thing, that the line (from Dan Fogelberg’s “Netherlands”) is actually, “Where do you go when you get to the end of your dream?” Dream, not dreams. I remember this because there always was a seed of possibility and hope there… the end of one dream could only leave space for the nurturing of a NEW dream. I don’t think I could have imagined being completely out of dreams when that song so affected me (I myself was 18 at the time!).
It’s easy to feel we are out of dreams, out of an inspired direction when we have been spinning around, buzzing about like hummingbirds, never stopping to deeply rest and replenish. The act of resting – before we feel replenished – can feel so foreign and unfamiliar and even shocking, in a sense. Does letting it all go, allowing silence and lack of purpose to take over feel like a kind of death? But maybe this small death needs to happen… to be born to ourselves at a deeper level. It seems to me that a sense of newness will arise from this — if we allow ourselves to fall into the fallow place fully.
A good time to do it, on this darkest day of the year.
Wishing you peace and self-kindness, Jen.
Lauren Miranda
10 Tracy Dec 21, 2007
Jennifer, I haven’t written for a very long time, but your post has really resonated with me, and others that followed, especially Shelley’s. I also am experiencing the first year of not being interested in Christmas, and it makes me a bit sad that I’ve lost that sense of celebration and magic. Its not depression for me either… I am also just bone tired. And reaching the end of a chapter in my life, I think. Turning points are hard for me, and this one especially hard as I begin to entertain leaving my role as a stay at home mom and returning to the workforce. Not for any other reason other than, I just don’t have it in me anymore. It has nothing to do with my kids – I have the greatest three kids in the world, but I think it has to do with the fact that I feel sucked up. Sucked up by that life, and its become a life that I don’t feel is mine anymore. And its SO hard to admit that… but now that I’ve said it, its also SO freeing. And you hit the nail on the head for me Jen, when you said you’ve run out of dreams. So have I. And how odd it feels to say I need to work outside the home again to begin to appreciate the downtime needed to reflect on dreams… many women may read this and think ‘good god woman, wouldn’t I love to be a stay at home mom?!?’ But the fact that I no longer envy my own life is a signal its time to shake it up a bit. So I can appreciate my quiet at home moments, my kids, a world outside my cozy walls of home. I may regret it later, and think ‘what was I thinking???’, but you just know when you’ve reached the end… when you’re just too tired of being it all to everyone – especially at this time of year. And now I need something just for me.
11 Nancy Dec 22, 2007
Dear Jennifer,
All fields must lie fallow for a season or they lose their fertility and become a wasteland. For some of us that season is longer than for others. Thank you for your columns and your courage.
Nancy
12 Helga Dec 22, 2007
it is what it is.
good solstice all,
helga
13 m Jan 5, 2008
nothing wrong in having a slow time and slow pace of life without having to achieve
14 Carrie Feb 13, 2008
Thank you for writing this. I just discovered your website and blog after seeing a reference to one of your books (which I plan to read soon!)
I was really struck by your comments about the taboo of letting go and releasing the desire for growth, more more more, etc.
I am on the verge of resigning from my corporate business career at age 30. I have been very successful in my career, promoted multiple times at my company, and making more money than I ever thought I would at this age. To the outside world it would be absolutely crazy for me to leave. However, I am uninspired, bored, and simply not passionate about my work. Thankfully my husband and I have saved well over the years so we are financially secure and his income is enough to support us. I have no specific plan after quitting other than to take a break for an undefined amount of time and then do whatever it is that I may want to do. Not sure what all that will be yet… spend more time outdoors, travel, explore photography, grow some of our own food… This is a huge step for me, moving away from the achievement oriented lifestyle I have long pursued, and moving into unknown territory that is simply about being me – not what I think everyone thinks I should do or be. I meet with my bosses in a week or so. I am afraid. Afraid they will try to talk me out of it, point out everything I am “giving up”, express disappointment in me, etc. It will be hard. But I can’t back down from finally being me. Why do I feel guilty about letting them down, why are we taught that simply “being” is selfish… “doing” has its place but there would be much more peace and happiness in the world if we all focused a little more on just “being”.
Thanks again for your posts.