Every time I prepare to teach / lead / facilitate a workshop or retreat, I freak.
I freak
As in chew my tail off (or I would, if I had one.)
As in moan and thrash and pace.
As in I wish Kripalu would call and say, “Oh sorry. We decided you’re a big fake and we don’t want you here.”
I decide
I have nothing to say.
I have too much to say and I can’t possibly organize it all.
So I try all sorts of note organizing systems – big index cards, little index cards, files on the computer, mind maps, collage-things. They are all over my office right now.
I obsess about teaching stories and art journaling and how to help people shift at the level of how they see their lives rather than downloading info at them.
Downloading info doesn’t work.
I decide retreats are a waste of money and I should go work for my friend Howard.
I decide other people can do a much better job and this should be my last retreat.
Big Fake Syndrome
All of which leads back to what a Big Fake I am.
Capital B, capital F.
I have worked with this story, been coached on it, ate it for breakfast and been eaten by it for almost 20 years.
I thought I knew what a ruse this fake impostor story is.
I thought I had dismantled and dissolved it and then, this morning, in my morning “meditation” (which is more of a growling, writing, crying clearing) I realized that part of me is afraid.
Afraid of not doing a good job.
Afraid of not giving people what they need.
Afraid of not knowing the answers.
Oh sweetie baby darling, of course you want to know the answers. You are such a good girl and knowing the answers makes you safe. You are such a good student and so earnest and I know how much you want to help women.
And of course you freak every time we go to teach because you teach there are no fixed answers. Hell, we believe there isn’t even one fixed person to have one fixed set of answers!
Of course you want to run away and hide. You can’t be right.
And you certainly can’t give everybody everything they need. It’s impossible and that’s so hard.
Tell me what I could do to help you feel safer.
My fearful self told me she needed rest before we lead these retreats and she needed to lean on my assistants and that she needs me to remind people I’m no guru and, most of all, she needed me to be really present and let the retreat unfold.
Because when I do that, it’s not about me.
It’s not about answers or fixing anybody.
It’s about saying hello and working with what shows up.
Aha…
I’ll hope you’ll join me at Kripalu where we will make art journal pages and dance and talk to our afraid and weary and frantic selves with lots and lots of love.
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20 responses so far ↓
1 Hiro Boga Mar 27, 2009
“It’s about saying hello and working with what shows up.”
Jen: When I read this, I felt such a sense of spaciousness and peace and . . . ahhhh . . . just a deep settling into my body.
Today is the first day since my surgery that I’ve used a cane instead of a walker. And I drove for the first time in seven weeks, to my doctor’s office, five minutes away.
I returned home exhausted and close to tears.
Your words were such a kind and gentle reminder. Say hello. Work with what shows up. In retreats as in life.
Your retreatants come to you because you offer this heartful container of willingness to be with them where they are. To be with yourself where you are. And to make a path by walking it.
Such a blessing!
Much love and many thanks to you,
Hiro
Hiro Boga’s last blog post..Creative Connection: Where’s Your Muse When the Baby’s Spitting Up at 3 am?
2 Karen Mar 27, 2009
I have this posted at my desk –
Knowing —with your mind–is so wildly overrated.
Remember a time in which you were breath-breakingly alive?
You might have been walking by a field of ripe pumpkins or
making love in an Italian castle by the sea or cleaning the bathtub.
What did you know right then, not later, but right then?
Did you know what you would do the next day, or in five years,
or whether your idea for this business or that poem would win the accolades of millions?
You knew no such thing.
All you knew, I say, was trembling gratitude
All you knew, I pray, was to open your attention wide, to make
a spiritual umbrella for catching grace
All you knew, I trust, was to dwell in the house of your heart
Have you ever asked yourself:
Why do I want to know?
What new thing can I create when I know?
What has knowing (with my mind) ever done for me?
The fragrance of stillness beckons
The realm of not knowing awaits
Why wait?
Jennifer Louden
You have taught me a lot about being ok with unknowing, about being real, about what a good teacher looks like – As a student I am not looking for the answers – I want to know what the questions are, I want to be stimulated to think for myself, I want to sit with not knowing in a place that is safe with people who know how to just be…
I wish I could join you – and I hope you keep doing these retreats because eventually I am coming to one of them
Karen
3 leah Mar 27, 2009
It somehow makes me feel so much better to know someone who I see as having it so together can still see herself as a fake from time to time. I suppose that’s what makes you not fake at all! Funny, isn’t it?
leah’s last blog post..Free Dream Call! Thursday, April 2nd 8 pm EST
4 MarjakaThriver Mar 27, 2009
I saw your Tweet on this and just had to come by and read. You have always been one of my biggest, most positive influences, ever since the Writer’s Spa in Taos. I deal with this Big, Fat Fake/Impostor stuff all the time. But, it’s hard for me to remember that you do, too.
Be gentle with yourself, remember how divine you are and how much you have to contribute, and enjoy Kripalu.
5 Char Mar 28, 2009
Jen:
I am working with Michael Bungay Stanier’s new book (www.boxofcrayons.com – for anyone interested) and one of the sections has you list your heroes and the qualities they have that you admire so much.
You and Steve Chandler are on that list. I met Steve in your Virtual Retreat and am now a member of Club Fearless (www.clubfearless.com)
Anyhoo, what I love about you is exactly what you write about today – that willingness to acknowledge that imposter, talk to it as sweetie, baby, darlin’ which is by the way the coolest phrase ever, and be with what shows up.
It is absolutely awesome how you can put your finger on the pulse of this concept in so many ways that truly speak to my own experiences.
One of these days, it will be my thrill to show up at one of your retreats and be with you as we both see what shows up. I secretly lust for the one in Mexico this summer
Thank you so much for all you share with us – it is powerful and life changing.
6 Cindie Wilding Mar 28, 2009
Boy do I know how you feel. As a life coach and retreat leader myself, the minute I sense “no one is going to show up” it is immediately about me and about my being afraid that I am really not all that good at what I do. And then I get down, down on myself, and down in general. And I know that I can’t attract good and abundance to me when I am in a place of feeling down and “not good enough”. And you know what I finally figured out about that Jen? Why it’s hard to get out of the not good feeling place even when we know it’s a ‘bad’ place to be? Because I want to be right. Of course I’m not that great – look I can prove it. An interesting revelation. And yes, I have decided I’d rather be happy than right.
Choose happy Jen. We love your humaness. Show up and say hello indeed. ;0
7 Ingrid Mar 28, 2009
Now, even more than ever, I would like to come to one of your retreats, where I would bask in the realization of your beautiful openness; your honesty; your true authentic non-stingy, non-competitive friendly generosity; Your vast inspiring integrity; Your passion and playfulness; your gentle not-knowingness; your spacious infinity. You are a beautiful soul!
Ingrid’s last blog post..Joy Lives Like A Jonquil in Winter
8 Diedra Mar 28, 2009
Jen,
If by some odd tweak of the universe you were ever officially deemed a fake, then who cares, because whatever “fake” you do just rocks and helps me (and MANY others!!) get through life more gracefully, peacefully, wonderfully!
~big hugs~
diedra
Diedra’s last blog post..Slacker??? Or maybe just enjoying life at my own pace?
9 Jennifer Mar 29, 2009
My golly gosh, thank you!! I’m so blown away by your comments, so wise and poetic and such a good reminder.
This week is about rest so I can be resourced to be show up.
And Karen, thanks for this!!!
“I want to know what the questions are, I want to be stimulated to think for myself, I want to sit with not knowing in a place that is safe with people who know how to just be…”
10 mary ryan Mar 30, 2009
Thanks Jen, You connect with my thoughts, feelings and emotions by sharing your authenticity. Whenever fears of how I’m teaching or what I’m teaching cause me to doubt, be afraid, or all those feelings that say I’m not good enough I try to remember, it’s not about me and trust the Universe.
IT WORKS!!
Mary
11 Charlie Mar 30, 2009
“It’s about saying hello and working with what shows up.”
I’m with Hiro on this one in that I needed to hear this. In a world that seems to be moving & changing so fast that it’s hard to commit to anything, it’s so nice to be reminded that I just need to work with what shows up.
Thanks!
Charlie’s last blog post..The Rebirth of Entrepreneurialism
12 Soleil Hepner Mar 30, 2009
me too, me too! Thank you for writing this.
I go to do trainings in studios where other ‘great’ yoga teachers have done their magnificent work just before me and I think to myself, really, what does a “little Jewish Girl from Detroit” know about teaching REAL yogis, yoga therapy!
Have a great time – I love Kripalu & the Berkshires.
Soleil* (Mercer Island!)
Soleil Hepner’s last blog post..Have we gone Techno-Crazy?
13 Kate Mar 30, 2009
Jen, you inspire me in so many ways. Thank you. I’m sure I’ve said this before, but I love it when you write these kind of posts, because it reminds me that the fact I feel terrified/awkward/insecure doesn’t necessarily mean that anything’s *wrong*.
Kate’s last blog post..Faith, love, and doing
14 Avia Venefica Mar 31, 2009
-Came here by way of Havi via Twitter post.
Easter’s come early ’cause discovering your ‘site is like finding a marvelous neon colored plastic egg with my favorite kinds of treats inside.
Permission to use the “chew my tail off” line? Oh, that set me free. I’ve no more tail to chew – all nubbin.
Thanks for being a whispy sheet of transparency in this post (takes cajones). Of course, like everyone else here, I can totally relate too.
High beams,
A.
15 Dee Mar 31, 2009
honey, you’re not the only one.
i’m thinking `breathe´ and invite you to try and allow participants to find their own answers by providing them with a platform to be heard and to exchange thoughts.
i’m sure you’ve prepared thoroughly and thought about your stakeholder’s motivations and goals, another approach would be to keep your own goals in mind. having fun and enjoying yourself, you’ll make sure to project good vibes, and those are infectious!
continued joy,
dee xx
Dee’s last blog post..My Presentation at FIGT 2009 – Saturday, March 7th
16 Gayle Apr 2, 2009
Do you have a lot of repeat retreaters or do you like to make it fresh each time? I’m sure whatever you decide on will be wonderful. Of all the life coaches I follow, you have the most heart and honesty (I mean that most sincerely).
Gayle’s last blog post..The Magic of Misty
17 Vivian Apr 2, 2009
I knew that if I stopped by here, I would find just what I need to carry on with the day. It started with a sleepless night filled with “Who are you kidding? You can’t do this…” or that or anything really and I should be a waitress and wait for some big break to happen, instead of showing up as an accomplished producer, radio host, actor, teacher and all round useful person with a lot to offer…
Thanks a million Jen!
Vivian’s last blog post..Spaghetti western revelations
18 Positively Present Apr 2, 2009
I think most of us are “afraid of not knowing the answers” to whatever questions we might be facing in our lives. The way you have come right out an admitted this fear is very admirable. It’s hard to admit it when you are afraid, but there is no harm or weakness in doing so. I appreciate you sharing your fear with us and I hope it provides an opportunity for others (like me!) to think about what we’re afraid of and, also, to realize that we don’t have to know the answers.
Positively Present’s last blog post..be conscious of your communication
19 Poet Apr 2, 2009
Give yourself permission to not do retreats if they make you feel like this.
Do only things that bring you joy – life is too short to be freaked out.
Stay in your comfort zone – you are the Comfort Queen.
If you choose to give retreats, then ask your angels to help you stay calm and focus on your message.
You have a message to give and the retreat is the vehicle for it.
Relax and deliver your inspiring message.
20 Jennifer Apr 5, 2009
Thanks everyone for the kindness and sharing your freak outs. Here’s to not knowing the answers!
Poet, I have struggled with my love /resistance dance with many aspects of my work for years. My struggle is not the issue, it’s how I hold it. Yes, asking for help is wonderfully important but what i learned a long time ago is not doing something because it’s scary for me is not the right move for me at all. It’s my work to learn to live at the edge with an open heart, as fully present as I can be. Thanks for the kind words